| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 9:22:34 AM | ScaryDave--you are bang on with your post. However, once emotions get involved it's sometimes very hard to detach enough to take such a mature and balanced position. I wish that I had that good sense with my ex-boyfriend...but well, I got too emotional.
Point being that sex is all too often attached to emotion. Sometimes sex is nothing more than sex and there should be nothing wrong with this.
Yes, for women like the original poster and myself sex is attached with emotion. This is precisely why I don't buy the "sex as a bartering chip" argument. Wanting to wait to have sex until there is emotional commitment, monogamy and exclusivity is not about manipulating the other person, it's about protecting one's own emotional well being.
Fine if you believe that sex should be nothing more than sex and there's nothing wrong with it. Just don't manipulate someone who believes in waiting for committment when you have no intention of giving it. That makes me  .
And before anyone jumps in with the point that it's a woman's responsiblity to make sure she is not manipulated into sex (I mean jeez, what kind of fool is she away)....well, that's exactly my point about waiting until she is in a mutually exclusive relationship. Problem solved. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 1:50:05 PM | When I read this thread I was so happy that this topic was brought up! I am currently in a situation regarding if he should take his profile away. Even though we met on this site and we are in a exclusive relationship, he wouldn't take his profile away, so I kept my profile up.
I told him that it would bring too much temptation if he continues to keep his profile active, so if would be actually best if we both get rid of out profiles, but he said he didn't know how to and when I gave him directions, he kept it up. I even changed my profile by putting 'not single. not looking'. Then I wrote that I have 'found someone', but I changed it back because he made no changes to his.
I feel that if we can't come to terms with getting rid of our profiles, then it puts up a red flag on maybe I should move on. For all I know he could be dating someone else. My friend did some detective work and he failed.
Getting rid of your profile is out of respect of your partner. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 1:58:18 PM | Vanilla, there are a number of red flags jumping up with your current relationship, but I don't need to spell that out for you.
I have kept my profile here for the forums, and I have specified in every way that I'm currently in a relationship and JUST HERE FOR THE FORUMS. My partner deleted his profile but recently put on here to join in with forums (I think that would be fun!) He has clearly stipulated on his profile his "taken" status.
You have a difficult decision to make----but I'm sure you'll make the right one for you. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 2:18:26 PM | Well the last man I was in a relationship with asked me to delete my profile, even though I had specified that I was not looking on it and told him I like the forums. But deciding I really wanted to give this a shot I decided to delete my profile if it meant that much to him. Well I found out he had not deleted his profile, only hidden it. Wow what an eye opener for me, I guess he thought maybe this won't work out and she not worth the trouble of building a new one.
That hurt, guys if you ask a girl to take off her profile make sure you do the same, if you don't and she is smart enough to figure out you have it hidden you might as well break-up with them cause thats a hard to get over.
Assuming you do care. Or you better have a real damn good explanation (the truth) | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 2:20:45 PM | Gardennut, I had to look at your profile and I love it.
Maybe I should copy the part when it says that you are on here for the forms and send it to my boyfriend. But now I think about it, why should I have to do that? Me discussing with him about changing our profiles should be good enough, that's why I kept my profile up because he didn't change his.
thx | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 2:32:07 PM | Hello to all the pof members
I must say that after reading some of this stuff it just amazes me how many people just DONT get it!!! There all types in the walk of life... We have all had good times and bad times... Life is what you make of it and what you settle for... There are just as many or more 2 timimng and yes even 3 timimng women out there today as their are men... That is just thier way of life... You wont change them so why waste your valuable time on them or trying to figure them out??? It only makes it harder for us good folks to try and find a honest mate when every one is focused on all the bad... Its called LIFE people we learn to deal with it and life goes on... You can not put a a whole group of poeple in the same barrel just because there is one bad apple in that group and YOU chose to take a bite into it!!! Live with it, deal with it and go on... I wish all of you that have had a bad mate all the luck in the world, time will mend all wounds... Just remember not all men are ass's and maybe you might find a good one if you keep digging thru that barrel... Mark   | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 4:15:42 PM |
Getting rid of your profile is out of respect of your partner. True, that would show respect, however asking or expecting your partner to get rid of his profile is not right. A guy who is content in his PoF relationship would either remove his profile, or modify it to indicate he isn't available. He might even take down pics or hide the profile. But removing it isn't necessary. A woman "crossing her legs" generally is a stupid concept anyways, and it certainly doesn't make sense in the sense of this thread's topic. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 4:51:50 PM | sounds like you found a player, I dont think all guys are bad though...i've met a great guy on POF & we BOTH still have our profiles up but changed them to marital staus:not single/not looking & seeking: friends as we enjoy using the forums & having a good old chat  | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 5:11:19 PM | Thanks for your kind words about my profile, Vanilla!
I've been thinking about your situation. An open, constructive discussion with your partner is warranted here. I'm not talking about giving an "ultimatum", but you need to be clear with him how you feel about his keeping his profile on this site, without changing it to reflect his "taken" status.
Tell him that you don't mind his being active in the forums, but he needs to change his status to "not single/not looking"; change his dating status to "talk/email"; and put in big bold letters that he's in a relationship and he's just here for the forums. Under "first date" he's to write "no first dates, I'm just here for the forums".
If he never participates in the forums, then the proper step to take it to delete his profile. Why else would he keep it on here?
But I wouldn't suggest playing games with your profile, sweetie. Make the changes I've suggested as a role model for him. Ask him to look at your profile, and do the same with his. Fair's fair.
If he doesn't respect your wishes, then that tells you a great deal about where he's at with your relationship. Tell him kindly that in a week you'll revisit the topic with him. If he hasn't done anything with his profile, then that will be his message to you that he's not interested in pursuing an exclusive relationship with you.
Don't threaten him; explain gently where you're at, and what you'll need to do if he's not on the same page as you. No-one likes to be told what to do. However, you have a right to a monogamous relationship with a man, and if he's not prepared to stop fishing while he's involved with you, then you have a right to call it a day.
Best of luck to you, Vanilla........... | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 5:25:53 PM | Thanks for the advice! I will talk to him tonight about the situation and tell him how I feel about it. Then I will change my profile back to "not single" when he changes his. I just hope it doesn't result into an argument.
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 5:52:55 PM | | Wow, very well put! I agree wholeheartedlly that we should keep our legs crossed until we meet someone worthy. Us women should value ourselves and our bodies first before sharing it with someone who does not appreciate it. To me, what's the point of taking off my clothes and being totally exposed. Bearing my body but not my soul? | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/25/2007 7:13:29 PM | That's exactly right wind. The point is, if you're going to start something with someone, you have an awful lot of responsibility towards them. On the internet, sight unseen, you have an awful lot of non contact working against you, but it can work if you're a good communicator, and a good listener.
Being upfront about yourself and your life is as simple as saying your honest feelings about where you stand at the beginning, and during stages of a relationship. If you want exclusivity, say so.. be upfront.. if it will take a while, don't expect big adjustments.. but discuss them so when the time comes you feel that it's time to make them, do so out of respect and trust and commonality.
The simplicity always seems to get washed out of some of these things.. and it floors me. Because IF I am comfortable enough to take things slow and just friends and see how things build and grow, then I should say so. Heck in real life it's not much different.. the trick is, if you forget to tell someone these things, you lead them on, and you stand a good chance of hurting someone if you don't make your intentions clear.
Think about it if you're going to connect with someone.. on the internet, OR in real life. If you want something to work with all your heart, then you don't just 'say' so, you 'do' so. If your actions do not follow the same script as the things you say, you're bound to run into snags and you're also bound to hurt somebody along the way.
So if you're on here and you're having trouble deciding if you want a relationship or not, the best thing on earth you can do, is be smart enough and honest enough, to say so so you don't hurt somebody! And in all honesty, anyone smart enough to say something like that to someone out of honesty, really gains a lot of respect from others. It's a remarkably noble and intelligent thing, to just be open. Sometimes, it opens doors you didn't even know were even there. It is a very refreshing world, when you ask those kinds of questions, that not only respect your feelings, but respect someone else's. It's a pretty rare type of person that balances protecting themself with good judgment, and making sure that they show respect for someone else's feelings.. no matter where a relationship is headed.
NEVER be afraid, ANY time, to ask someone where you stand, if you have strong feelings for someone. It is the most intelligent question that you can ask someone.. and it does your own heart a heap of good.
Sex? Saving it for a woman that's marriage material. That aspect of a relationship is well into my future with the one I want to be with. I need to find a best friend I can count on and trust first. The one thing that I know, is I can't stand 'recreational' sex. The emotional aspects of a bonded relationship with all the right ingredients makes incredible sex.. one night stands leave me feeling empty. It will take an awful lot of knowing someone before that enters the big picture. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 7:05:28 AM |
Us women should value ourselves and our bodies first before sharing it with someone who does not appreciate it.
That should go for both sexes. I do not see what it is more relevant for women. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 8:10:00 AM | | I totally agree with Nikos there. Futhermore, I don't understand why women withhold sex as a bargaining tool. If it gets bad enough that you don't want to have sex with your partner, maybe it's time to end the relationship. I don't understand what it would accomplish to say "no sex unless..." Even if the guy agrees to to your proposal, he did it because you wouldn't give him any. Then he becomes the guy who changed his mind for sex?? Doesn't sound like a very good resolution to me any way it goes. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 8:19:20 AM |
I don't understand what it would accomplish to say "no sex unless..." Even if the guy agrees to to your proposal, he did it because you wouldn't give him any. Then he becomes the guy who changed his mind for sex?? sounds like the manipulative behavior of an insecure person who is never satisfied with anything. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 8:43:56 AM | | I've had one good dating relationship and a lot of friend relationships from this site. After two weeks of dating this person I opted to hide my profile as I wanted to give 'us' the best shot at a good relationship. I didn't cancel everything because I figured that 2 weeks was just a tad too soon to completely cancel my account. This wasn't requested of me, just something I wanted to do. Guess I'm a bit confused, but isn't compromise the relationship word for bargaining? I know that the intention in compromise isn't to trade one thing for another but to meet half way, but it often requires some negotiation. Personally if anyone witheld sex or anything to get me to do what they want I'd be gonzo. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 9:12:05 AM | Altruist and Bike man--yes, some women (and even men too, ahem) do conciously use sex as a bartering tool and for manipulative purposes.
However, there is a distinct difference between doing that and waiting until mutual, trust, respect, love, caring and monogamy have developed in a relationship and sex then becomes an expression of these things. This is not manipulation, but protecting one's own emotional well-being. I think my grandmother would call this chastity.
If these requirements aren't there for physical intimacy to take place, why not have sex with just anybody then?
Maybe I can answer my own question with a quote from Woody Allen (but I think he swiped it from Mae West--the sly dog):
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Some people want to reserve themselves for meaningful experiences only. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 9:26:27 AM |
If these requirements aren't there for physical intimacy to take place, why not have sex with just anybody then? i never recommended for couples getting to know each other to indiscriminately "get it on". just to introduce sex at the appropriate time--like perhaps when both people want it???
let's say a woman is attracted to a guy, the guy has been upstanding in all of his behaviors toward her, and the woman is genuinely turned on. why should she be chaste for chastity's sake? it's illogical. that's all i'm stating. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 9:29:10 AM | Because said guy could change his said upstanding behaviour upon getting what he wants.
What I would then recommend to the guy is to seek out women who are looking for casual sex and intimate encounters. However, there's really no challenge in that now is there?
Please remember the context of this thread: it's about abstaining until both people agree to become mutually exclusive in the context of an established relationship.
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Shynew (re: post below): I think it comes down to each individual defining what they want out of a relationship. For some, sex is only one component. Personally, I don't think it's illogical to establish trust first--to me it's very wise.
Sorry, but I think your argument is just another "angle so I can best position myself to get in her pants argument". (I call them as I see them.)
Each to their own though. I just reserve my right not to engage in relationships that require sex early on. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 9:36:25 AM | | Picky, so you're suggesting that people adjust their behaviour around what they think 'may' happen? Everyone can change behaviours. Come to think of it maybe a guy shouldn't give anything meaningful in a relationship because she may change. Sorry but this line of thinking is a bit silly to me. Having sex with someone that you are genuinely attracted to and have strong feelings for isn't casual even if it is early on. Totally agree with it being best when in a mutually exclusive relationship though. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 9:42:54 AM | Well, I'm kind of old school I guess. I think there should always be a strong emotional bond before sex is considered. At the same time though, sometimes you both know pretty quickly if you connect in that special way. I think it depends on the person. I've never had a "buddy", and in all honesty would have less respect for a person that thinks its ok to have meaningless sex. Let's face it, once you start racking up the numbers, certain derogatory terms come to mind.
But, yes, being chaste for no reason is a little confusing. If they aren't ready then that's totally understandable though. I would much rather wait on my partner than think they did something they really didn't want to. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/26/2007 10:07:46 AM | altruist--I think it's fundamental to establish trust and respect first, so I don't see waiting as being chaste for no reason.
Also, I'm in an extremely skewed dating pool. There are about four women to every one man. It's extremely common for men who are keeping their options open and still wanting samples to lead women to believe that they want exclusivity, then change their minds after emotional or physical initimacy is established. They are fickle.
I know this, so I can choose to either become intimate too quickly (as many women do) or completely abstain with the hope that he will want to discover my more enduring qualities first. I think I'm wisely choosing to wait for the right guy, although I know it's going to take longer.
For me, my choice is not for moral reasons, but rather to preserve my emotional well-being. It's just not worth the hours spent in a bathrobe, with my mascara running and eating Hagen-das.
Oh, the blessings and curses of our contemporary independence and individualism... | |
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