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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/27/2007 9:16:57 AM | Ladies, I feel genuinely ashamed of the way some guys are, and it makes it very hard for the nice guys to establish any kind of decent reputation. It does cut both ways though. I've been used and hurt before as well.
I do believe there is a male correlation. It's just as bad for a man to be a "slut" as it is for a woman in my opinion. The ones who think "stud" have some twisted views I think. All that is is glorified narcissism, and it's nothing to be proud of. In fact, it's even worse if they think are doing a good thing by adding notches to their bedpost. Wish I could convey somehow that all men aren't like that. | |
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~Ames~
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Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 304 | |
| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/27/2007 1:40:26 PM | | Wow. I kinda don't know what to say. But someone up there had a shitty comment that said people come on here to look for something "more"...that is crap. I met my boyfriend here on POF two years ago, we have been happy since, we live together, he is paying for me to finish up school, and we have discussed marriage. Just read my profile. Anyone that enjoys forums like I do shouldn't have to give that up. I don't. He trusts me. He knows my account exists. I make it clear that I am with someone and I truly care about him. People that are serious in their relationships should atleast do the same. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/27/2007 3:35:19 PM | I agree with the heading of this thread. I have many women friends on this site. All of them have been dumped after sleeping with some man on here.. But why open those legs just because they close their account?
There are thousands of dating web sites out there. You can't find every site your honey is on..
So I say keep the legs closed until there's a ring on your finger.. My mother taught me that. How much respect can you have for yourself when you find out you were used for sex? NONE | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/27/2007 3:43:28 PM | 1) "Used for sex?"
Silly me, I thought women enjoyed sex too!
2) "Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!" ....
... and gives you access to his checking account or credit card?
Solution: Why not have a "joint" POF profile? | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 2/28/2007 9:58:31 PM | I think it goes either way, Nikos. I'm specifically refering to the guys who feel better about themselves for being "sexualy liberal". I think that qualifies as narcissism because they truly feel that its the way to be and makes them a great catch to treat all those women that way. They are horribly mistaken and completely twisted in their perspective as with any narcissist. For some reason there is a profoundly strange social norm that glorifies men for promiscuity, while degrading women for it, so in my opinion, I think they have no shortage of self-respect for doing it because society as a whole subtly congratulates them. That's why I don't watch the news. People are twisted.
"Take a mortal man and put him in control... Watch people's heads a roll." | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 2:45:59 AM | For the sake of discussion, being "sexually liberal" does not automatically mean treating your sexual partners like things! In the same way that a free market does not mean treating your employees or clients like "things".
"I'm specifically refering to the guys who feel better about themselves for being "sexualy liberal"". Many, many people "feel better about themselves for being" ________ (fill in the blank with anything. Are they then, by your definition, "narcissists".
At its basics, sex is about exchange of pleasure between two people. Is there something wrong with giving and receiving pleasure these days? Are women not getting pleasure out of sex? Those women (or men) who are not, then they should not do it. Nobody "has" to do it, unless they like to.
But it is not OK for some women to "use" sex to attract a husband and a future father of the kids they want to have or for securing company (aka LT relationship) for when they are older? Sex is sex and it should not be used as a weapon or "Trojan Horse" for other things.
And, no, a dating site is NOT a "meat market". Its main function is a "socializing" tool (in the scientific sense of the word).
Another thought: Do we have to be miserable to be "self respectful" these days?
That is my philosophical 2 cents. Take care ya all! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 3:04:36 AM | Stella, I think all women on this site has been through what you have been through.
It's a psychological game most guys have been playing on here for years..we just dont' know how to master the fine art of cyber cheating...behind a loved ones back and getting away with it.
The men I have had this dance with were not good looking at all...nice guys but that this obsession of having a HAREM. They don't like to admit it..but they do. Variety is a spice of life and why waste it on one women that will do anything for them...when you can have a half a dozen to be at your beck and call????
So what if they are not all that and a bag of chips??? Most guys on here feel that women online are like candy in a candyshop..they can pick em' and toss em' if they don't like the rules they set up for them....all women on here are whores and treat them as such....free whores...for a price of a cup of coffee.
We have to wake up to the fact that we can't be so weak in the flesh that ANY dude saying "HELLO" is going to bed in your bed the next night..and they will STAY in your life forever and ever..amen..it's not that way anymore....
This site is full of casual lovers...married, already in committed relationships looking for self gratifications..you just have to be prepared for the LINES..and key words to know they are not looking for anything permanant or serious..just playing around..forever and ever..
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 3:20:10 AM | My philosophical 2 cents:
1) Why does something serious have to be permanent? Can it be "permanent"? What is permanent? Are jobs "permanent"? Is life "permanent"? Is a hair cut really "permanent"?
2) "Playing around": What is wrong with "playing"? What is wrong with "fun"? Are women not getting "fun" out of sex? Then maybe they should not be doing it, then! Nobody "has" to. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 3:57:31 AM |
Most guys on here feel that women online are like candy in a candyshop
Focusontoday, is it really most guys? If it is, then I guess I have some major damage to undo with my future partner. I honestly don't know if most guys do that or not, but I like to believe that most people are generally good. It's a shame when we learn the wrong lessons. I think that not all experiences are conducive to our growth and well-being. Some things damage us. Just because it happened doesn't mean it's the norm. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 7:08:46 AM | in response to "ames"
the whole start of this thread scared the crap out of me and made me almost want to delete my profile ....immediately!!...
i am new at this and have wondered how i would feel if i actually were to meet someone i liked on here (though i am sceptical...i need the whole real life chemistry thing)....would either of us want to keep our profile on here...and how would i feel about that...THANK YOU ...this whole thread boils down to what you have said..."he trusts me"....trust....in yourself to make the proper choices in whom you choose to be with...and trust in that person once you have decided to be together.
it shouldnt matter if he/she is still on dating sites...as long as everyone is up front and honest.
i believe a woman "knows" if her man is truly "into" her...when in doubt...throw him out! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 7:25:12 AM | I believe a woman "knows" if her man is truly "into" her...when in doubt...throw him out!
Ah, Debrad, if only it were that simple...
I know what you mean about online dating "scaring the crap" out of you. I was there myself, at the outset.
It does boil down to trust. But I, with what I consider to be above-average assessment skills, have been know to misjudge a man and his intentions.
Sometimes it has been because of a man's ambivalence. He wants me, he doesn't want me, he maybe wants me-----no no no, he really really wants me! It isn't so much that the man was deliberately "playing" me.....it was his own confusion.
Best of luck with the online dating thing, Debrad. I met my current partner on this site, so it truly is possible. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 9:14:50 AM | Why is it if a man is screwing around behind a woman's back, someone inevitably finds a way to blame it on the woman??
"The very fact that you were with this man for 12 months and had no clue as to his behavior calls to question how attentive you were to your situation, and how much effort you put into knowing this man before you "spread your legs". Even the best "Long Con" artist can't play a con that long without clearly slipping up."
Is that right?
Dated a guy for four years, found out he not only had a personal ad in the paper, but was checking out other women's ads as well. Know how I found out?? I went through his stuff. Felt terrible about that, still do, I don't think it's right to invade someone's privacy.
Having said that, if I hadn't, I probably never would have found out about HIS deception. And there were absolutely no clues that he was doing this.
So, is this my fault?? Am I to blame for TRUSTING my boyfriend?? Yup, eventually I did get suspicious and go looking for evidence (which I found), unfortunately I don't remember what triggered my suspicions (it was a long time ago).
He of course claimed he was just looking, and had no intentions of following through.
He has a profile on this site, probably many more sites, and is still looking. He recently attempted a reconciliation with me, claiming that I was "the one who got away".
I got away all right, and thank-god for that. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 10:07:41 AM |
Dated a guy for four years...I went through his stuff...if I hadn't, I probably never would have found out about HIS deception. And there were absolutely no clues that he was doing this. No clues? Wow that's some player. You sure there weren't any hints? Like being unavailable for periods of time? Moody for periods of time? Not wanting or initiating sex for periods of time? Usually isn't there something that indicates that you should be discussing issues you might be having, exclusivity being one of those issues? Wouldn't you sense bullshit answers, or that things that individually might be ok but taken together indicate something else? | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 11:05:52 AM | I really struggle with that. First of all, if you found out, more power to you. As for overly curious.. I suppose it's important to establish.. WERE you mutually spoken for? Was this stuff spoken about? Did you guys, TALK about these things? Was your relationship moving forward?
I have seen women lead a man on for years, and years, and years, having no inkling to give anything of themselves, but who expect an awful lot of hoops to be jumped through, to even begin to lose the "guard". And the arguments, and the fights, and the disagreements, caused by stereotyping, (other people have done it), baggage (it's been done to me personally before) or simple skepticism (omg, something terrible is going to happen so let's nip it in the bud before I find out the hard way) . Seriously. Get a GRIP already. Life is too short to not give someone the best available way to communicate.. If their heart is fully committed to you, or even if there's still unsurity about the way things are going.. keep an open mind to the situation.. don't come down so hard by what you think that you refuse to accept any form of explanation.
There is absolutely no way whatsoever, that I am going to be able to accept someone, who does not give me equal ground, and equal trust in getting to know me. If you're skeptical, don't let the door hit your butt on the way out. I cannot STAND my loyalty towards anyone being questioned. I put far too much effort into being honest and loyal, and upfront with others, and maintain communication about these things with someone. You may not like everything I do, and believe me, it works both ways.. give and take.. but if someone shows you who they are, believe them.. and if you have no legitimate reason to snoop, you have no business creating monsters in the closet. I firmly believe this is the singlehanded reason why rather than ask face to face or eye to eye, people turn into supersleuths. Suspicion without any legitimate reason, other than a hunch, is a lousy way to look at a relationship. Sounds to me like you already had one foot out the door when you decided to violate his privacy without talking with him. There's no excuse whatsoever for lying.. but it is just as much an insult, to assume someone has an alterior motive. You obviously had no reason to be upfront and discuss this, did you? Dealbreaker. And RED FLAG!
If someone trusts me absolutely, and with a certain amount of safe naivete, I have always had the heart to be COMPLETELY honest. That takes a LOT of effort, and it's an absolute insult to think that someone would have the insecurity, to go around snooping at things in my life that might indicate otherwise. I'm just not that afraid of anything I have ever done in my life, that you can't ASK me. The problem begins, when you stopped expecting the truth from someone who tells you the truth. It's a complete waste of effort to tell the truth, if it isn't appreciated, recognized, and respected. I cannot STAND the HORRIBLE skepticism that ruins perfectly good relationships. Do not assume too much, and MAKE SURE YOU TALK ABOUT IT. There's no way you can explain a single thing about men's boyhood childish (and stupid) curiosity, if you have already made up your mind your man is cheating, the relationship is over.. there IS no working on it. That is the beginning of the end. Start that way with a guy, and you'll be getting exactly what you deserve, and what you expected. "all men are liars?" "all men are cheaters" "all men are players"
How about, even if they were the best man in the entire world, you would eventually run into a thing or two or a situation or two, that a guy couldn't explain.. and without an open mind and a keen sense of forgiveness and reasonable understanding.. that tangled web can be woven to be exactly what you perceive it to be. There are two sides to every story. How willing are you to be open minded? I've been controversial here, but two people do not see things the same ways.. you have to LEARN about what the other person is trying to SAY, and obviously, their point of view.. before you leap to conclusions based on what you think something is. There's a lot to be said, for the phrase "you get what you give" or.. "you get what you expect"
And it's not all your fault.. obviously, guys do stupid things sometimes and don't realize what they're doing is hurting your feelings, or bothering you in ways they didn't realize.. Plenty of men will stop doing it if ya sit em down and explain how ya feel about some things.
That, and one other thing.. it's pretty easy to be so skeptical that no one could possibly escape the bitter guardedness. Those types simply cannot trust. Those types, shouldn't date.
Just for the record.. do not accuse someone of screwing around, lying, or cheating, without a DAMN good reason.. because that's the biggest insult and turnoff you can give someone that you're trying to get to know. That'd be my cue to look for someone else right there. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 11:50:03 AM | One addition to my last post.. I'd like to add..
This isn't a gender issue. In some respects, there's a great deal of nurturing during a relationship where an insecure person will look to see what is out there, and what is out there in the big world.. even during a relationship. This 'comparison' is more based on insecurity about themselves or about the state of their relationship. There's a long stone's throw sometimes between finding the "right" person, and believing at the end of the day, which will eventually come to pass, that they have FOUND their right person. Do not always be so afraid of who you are, that you don't let your man or your woman, choose you, even though there's a HUGE world out there to look at.. It is very smart, to know thy self, well enough to know that at the end of the day, you're worth being with, and worth coming home to. When you're in love with the right person, everyone you see, and everyone you have contact with, can't budge that person from your heart.
When you don't have to worry about what someone else is doing (which you can't CONTROL) and you worry about who YOU are, you are well on your way, to loving yourself, and being happy. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 11:57:46 AM | Ladies, here are a few things I've learned by being hurt by men:
-YOU HAVE TO SET YOUR BOUNDARIES in a relationship with a man, either romance or friendship, because he probably won't. Men will maintain the status quo for a long time because it works for them and it meets their needs. Men respond and respect a woman who isn't willing to be used. It doesn't mean he will change FOR YOU or ANYONE ELSE but at least you can still have your self-respect.
-Men usually will get away with as much as they can most possibly get away with. This is where setting your boundaries comes into play.
-IF you are having to put more into the relationship than he is, he doesn't respect you. Get out, it isn't worth it.
-I don't suggest having sex on the first date but when you have sex with a man, it isn't going to really affect whether or not he will love you.
-I do believe it is not possible to know when you are getting played by a master con artist. The problem is when we have strong feelings for a man, it's harder to see the writing on the wall or "the signs". This is where waiting on sex is very important. Usually when a woman has sex, her feelings start to get in the way of judgement.
-Don't let a guy you just met know you've been hurt or used in the past. Don't put this on your profile either. This is like leading the prey to the wolf. Players will look at you as special challenge. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 12:13:55 PM | I can't believe what ya just said..
WHAT?
"Men usually will get away with as much as they can most possibly get away with. This is where setting your boundaries comes into play. " (from the last post)
B.S. to put it mildly. There's one stereotype. I do not push it. I have NEVER pushed it. I take that personally, and that's an insulting thing to assume if you're wanting to know me as an individual, as a person, and as a unique human being.
"I don't suggest having sex on the first date but when you have sex with a man, it isn't going to really affect whether or not he will love you."
Another stereotype. I grew out of that immature childish behaviour a long time ago in my life.
I agree with a few of your points however. Men respect women who are upfront and steadfast about what their values morals and beliefs are. I fully believe that if a woman has a good sense of 'self' then they're not willing to compromise what they believe in relationships or otherwise. The trick is, don't objectify 'reward and punishment' using sex as an objective measure.. that's totally wrong. Sex is not a weapon, sex is a shared mutual pleasure between two loving partners. Some may assume the old fashioned man has gone astray.. but there are plenty of people out there that grew up with the moral conduct to believe that to be a step along the way of an otherwise loving communicating, caring relationship. to objectify sex as a 'reward' or witholding of sex as 'punishment' is just jeopardizing the importance and intimacy of two people in love. Women want sex just as much as men do. Characterizing it as the basis or reason for a relationship is short sighted. I am not comfortable having sex with someone I do not share my soul with. In an awful lot of important ways! | |
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Kiwiee
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Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 322 | |
| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 1:25:30 PM | | Well, my experience is..meet the guy and have a few great dates..and every time after the date check POF...and you will still find him on there and IM and etc...I don`t understand it iether. But, a man is a man I guess and it is a man`s world. To each their own. I don`1t like it. If a relationshiip developed I would cancel mine and expect the same from him!! Chances of that happening would not be too goo though. Most men wouldnt cancel theirs. But there is still some grat guys out there. It is just finding them!! that is the problem. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 2:43:54 PM | What I said is only a matter of my opinion. Which means you don't have to take it personally. I am one person among many.
BUT, the fact of the matter is MOST men, with the right combination, will test boundaries within a relationship. That is why it is VERY important each woman know what her boundaries are and what is acceptable before she ever enters a relationship.
As for the other statement, I was with a guy for over 2 years and never had sex with him but he still fell deeply and madly in love with me. I was not ready for sex at that time, it never had to do anything with him. But, when I was in another relationship and had sex at the 6 month mark and the guy left me two weeks later. So, clearly, no woman should believe that she has to have sex with a guy to get his love or affection. She should follow when she knows she is fully comfortable and ready to have sex. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/1/2007 4:15:38 PM | I agree faith. Sex is not some sort of territorial boundary nor should it be the be all and end all accomplishment for the men either.. it's not a form of conquest, and it's not a form of guard witholding it either. The fact of the matter is, safe sex or not, the risk is always there, for you to one night stand yourself into being pregnant, or a lifelong disease, or dead.. who the he11 wants to risk that with someone they don't know or love, or even claim to? You're right about setting the boundaries, absolutely :) I fully agree with your point.
Just be careful how you approach someone new. The first time I ever talk to someone I appreciate it if I'm not already damned if I do just for saying hi. Getting through that guard and dropping the barriers to talk to me like a real person should not be difficult.. but it depends if I'm meeting someone ready for a relationship, or ready to test me out and make me sit and spin and not expose me to personal intimate things that I should know if I want to get closer and more involved in a relationship. It IS possible for a person to be so standoffish as to be a "dead fish" as well. Simple exposure to intimate moments and details of your life is such an uphill battle, many forget to fill in those missing blanks at the best of times.. if ya think all men look for is sex, you're barking up the wrong tree when you approach all men that way.. and if you're going to be hard nosed and rough on someone new for that reason, some of us find the nearest door and move on rather than face someone that hard to get to know. Does that make me a player? Absolutely not. Don't forget to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Sometimes they're just as nervous about emotional commitment as you are. There is absolutely no way on earth to build that without dropping significant guard and honestly talking about everything.. If it can't get to that point, why on earth would anyone stop looking for someone who will? I clearly and most definately WILL commit to someone who is welcoming me into their lives and giving me what I want and I need emotionally, and in return, I will give my all to make it work out. But there IS a moment of truth for everyone when that time is.. and if you discuss these things and you're open about them, there is absolutely no reason to distrust someone who starts "simple" and as things progress, the changes start to effect the way their world changes to include you.. and moves away from other options. You can't ask somebody to instantly cross the line the moment it suits you. You have to look after your own needs, and with the right combination of give and take, and talk, you can easily move someone into your world without the hassles of worrying about profiles...
These may be important little details along the way.. but talk about them before they become big trouble, and you'll likely be better off being inquisitive than being judgmental and argumentative and authoritative. THAT is how you tell someone that YOU care about, and respect, how THEY feel. Those little respectful gestures win the heart of the good ones out there. No one wants 'rules' crammed down their throats. What ever happened to inquisitive honest questions? You stand a good chance of finding out where you stand, if you try and see someone's point of view before you start dictating what is and isn't acceptable.. and the right people for your life may surprise you voluntarily. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/2/2007 3:07:33 AM | Nikos - have to say that I have loved your posts in this thread.... But I want to mention that for as many women who use sex as currency for "security", there are men who allow themselves to be used in that way, perhaps giving their ability to provide "security" as currency for sex, status, heirs?
In my experience, people who allow themselves to be used again and again are also using their partners in some way, meeting some need however unhealthy and twisted the means for fulfillment. | |
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It cannot be a sign of both at the same time, can it? Verdicts? 
