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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/2/2007 4:09:20 AM | You guys keep calling this guy a player. A true player goes under the radar and will have the woman wanting to be with him despite letting them know honestly that he has MLTR (multiple long term relationships), eg. Tom Cruise type personality. This guy described is an amateur if you've left him.
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/2/2007 4:19:39 AM | | wow what an eye opening story.. I think there is more of this going on than any of us really want to know .. the lesson ?? IF you think you love HIM ... CHeck him out If he is NOT doing any of these things he wont MIND you looking into it .. If he IS he will automatically defensive about you "snooping".. YOU GO "stella" | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/3/2007 1:00:59 PM | Gardennut--I'm sorry you had to go through the Hagen-das blues, but at least we can laugh about it and are the wiser for it and it sounds like both of us are making better choices now.
Breathlesshush--I went through exactly the same thing with my ex-boyfriend and responded exactly the same way you did. I found some of the dynamics in your posts interesting and maybe we can gain some insights. The reason I say this because I've gone through the same thought processes myself. You asked a very important question about personal responsiblity:
Am I to blame for TRUSTING my boyfriend??
My answer would be heck no! It's funny how the same person can both fault you for giving them trust, and also not trusting them when you become suspicious of their deceit. It's a very difficult process, because you want so badly to believe that they aren't being disloyal. This is a normal response in these kinds of situations.
What's interesting it when bikeman began to shoot holes in your lack of observation of his supsicious behaviour--things that I assume you didn't notice because you were too busy giving him the benefit of the doubt and processing your own feelings and thoughts--you turned around in a subsequent post and blamed yourself!
That's how they get away with it! Very subtly (but powerfully), you took the blame for his behaviour. I can't speak for your feelings but I know when I went through it, I felt very stupid and foolish for a long time, and yes, I blamed myself which "gave" him my permission to blame me for his actions. Problem solved for him, because I was virtually consenting to his treatment of me.
What came out of it is that I'm being extremely cautious and it sounds like you are taking the same approach. What a tough lesson! The good news is, not all guys on this system are buggers. The process just takes longer, but you feel better about yourself for it.
I currently have a friend's first interest and I sincerely believe he is wise enough and mature enough to see the value in a friend's first approach--not just for me, but for himself as well. The good ones are out there too.
Good luck  | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/3/2007 4:12:15 PM | Like OP and vanillacream2006, I've been down this road before, too.
One of the male posters stated
Love, sex and intimacy are supposed to be gifts, not rewards for good behavior. Not prizes to be won, or something that is earned by good behavior.
I think there needs to be some kind of parity to valuing these gifts. Perhaps we humans have different worth that we ascribe to sex, love, fidelity, gestures of affection. Maybe some are comfy being on this site and in a relationship. As long as both members of a couple are comfortable with that, I guess that's great for them. But it would be less than ideal for me. I would always have in the be back of my mind that he's still looking, which says a lot about how committed he is to having a relationship with me. Not marriage, just interest. No more than being committed to...physical health, financial goals, family, a hobby or discipline. I imagine this site has a broad range of what a person is seeking re respect for the sanctity of marriage, of the intimacy found there--not sex--intimacy, common purpose. For some, maybe the forum thing is a hobby or distraction. For me, personally, I'd expect to be his favorite hobby and his favorite distraction.
I think the point the OP is making is that duplicitous connivers (having his Kate and Edith, too) really really hurt their victims. Some derive pleasure from hurting, some are simply driven to manipulate and lie. I've run into a few men who are desperate to impress--me and others. That's what *I* want to avoid. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:34:23 PM | [(having his Kate and Edith, too)] I love this line!!!
Pretty Picky: my reply to bikeman was total sarcasm. I do not blame myself, and as I pointed out in my post that he was referring to, there weren't any clues to my bf's escapades. I chose not to repeat myself (and could also care less what he thinks), so I didn't post again.
'Nuff said. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/4/2007 3:04:02 AM | | Just a thought, Would you not feel better if instead of cancelling the account he or she chose instead to post an update on the account stating that they have found someone to be with. I would think that then all the single people would know not to fish here. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/4/2007 3:20:16 AM | Or better merge their 2 profiles into ONE (do the merger on both profiles)?
And/Or mention the username of the SO in the profile?
Indicating: Here for just friends and for the Forums!
Note: Since POF has the options like "friends" and "hang out" amonh others, presence in the POF does not IMPY seeking a "romantic etc etc" liaison or contact.
Note 2 (off topic a tad): Shouldn't there also be a "Medium Term" next to "Short Term" and "LT" options? LMAO! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/4/2007 4:25:12 AM | After reading your post....I am taking your advice to the bank
I have been dealing with a guy who says he wants to be exclusive with me (talks about being intimate), but won't hide his profile....I canceled a coffee date with a gentleman.....I hid my profile so I wouldn't recieve any emails from others......We've had some serious discussions about mutual attractions to each other.....yet his profile remains up....And the discussions of intimacy keeps coming up.....I unhid my profile.....I not gonna be intimate with this guy...I'm not gonna be his "standby" girl....And I won't be canceling any coffee dates anytime soon | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/5/2007 5:35:14 AM | Good job "bike man"! You insulted Breathlesshush" and probably a lot of other women with YOUR cluelessness....including me. I'll encapsulate the following as best I can..."I" was 'played' by a 'master player' and the only 'good' thing that came out of it is...well...nothing good came from being treated that way. In 17 years my ex-husband never played or strayed...but my first (and only)LTR...I use THAT term lightly...now.....ALWAYS wanted sex.....what I didn't know was that he wanted it with everyone. "Clues"...such as "not being available for periods of time"? Well, why on earth would someone look askance at someone viably going out of town to work? HOWEVER, Unbeknownst to me at the time, he had one there too! (They were actually everywhere...including my own town, all surrounding towns AND other states) He hired this particular one for a construction crew position (met her online!) but the word 'position' evokes other thoughts to me now....and yes, I had the exclusivity discussion with him early on and he agreed. I can guarantee you that there are true 'pro players out there and this one was a master bullshit artist, ALWAYS attentive and charming, bumbling and humble even (former high ranking military) and when it finally all hit me with a ton of bricks it wasn't due to my own (heretofore okay) intuitiveness...I only found out because someone he knew 'knew'... and sent me an anonymous e-mail because 'they, he, she' did not like the way I was being treated and lied to by this man. "He" seemed to be just as upset over 'who' sent the e-mails to me as he was to being caught! Being 'well-liked' by all was a major thing to him. I'm not a stupid woman by any stretch of the imagination but these types of men? They take something vital from you...actually lots of vital things and it's a long road back for those of us willing to climb that hill...and I have finally pulled myself out of the gutter where his actions kicked me....twice. (Yes...I was the fool the second time around. I may still be on the sidewalk but I'm standin' now.) He did try to blame it on me too...."I" didn't want to do it twice a day every day...I started to think it WAS 'my' fault....and (l gave him another chance!) THAT is embarrassing to admit! Clue #1...True love would never take away your self-respect... I finally found my common sense...it had been under the woodpile out back.....sleeping with a timber rattler.....I am a very private person and don't really like sharing the gory details of how badly I was taken for a sucker but if I can enlighten just one person I would say that my ONLY clue was that he did not cancel his dating site accts....he claimed that they were inactive/hidden/he didn't pay for membership...blah blah blah...but that was where he was finding his 'toys'. Women need to INSIST upon that....if he wants to talk on the forums here...tell him to talk to YOU rather than groups of strangers....if he won't cancel? ....I'd walk away and not look back.  | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/5/2007 6:00:43 AM | | Cardiologist...P.S.....you are correct in what you stated...I found out later that the 'other' women did not care that he saw others...or if they DID it was 'worth it' to keep him coming back maybe in the hopes of exclusivity..."I" would NEVER have 'played' THAT game so I was lied to....this guy was NO amateur...it was his longterm lifestyle. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/5/2007 7:41:49 AM |
Good job "bike man"! You insulted Breathlesshush" and probably a lot of other women with YOUR cluelessness....including me. Sorry. Maybe I offended some men too: for sure there are women too in committed relationships with dating profiles that don't state that fact.
Didn't mean to assume anything or insult anyone. Generally there are clues to behavior, each one separately (like your partner working out of town) doesn't individually indicate cheating, but associated with other clues (like turning the tables on you in the bedroom, multiple dating profiles, killing you with kindness) that's an indication to have a talk. Still without the solid proof that you had with the e-mail, the guy probably would have bullshitted you anyways. That sucks! 
Lucky for me I've never been cheated on, but I've had friends cheated on, and when we've discussed what happened I learned that the clues were all there, just ignored. I've even added a few observations that my friends had missed. Cheating sucks, didn't mean to offend anyone with my comments. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part that you can confront the cheater tactfully with questions. Again, my apologies. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/5/2007 8:31:27 AM | Bike man...it's okay... Yes, there are clues but when you've never been bamboozled like that before they may be a little more difficult to discern. I had never before been cheated on in my life and did not know that there were men like that out there that could be so horrible to someone they 'claimed' to love. It's a sordid sorry tale and actually much worse. The clues you speak of were not apparent until I started to look for them...but once I looked for them...it's called snooping ...I found a multitude of physical evidence to support those e-mails. To confront a proficient liar (tactfully or otherwise)....just produces even more lies.. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/5/2007 9:06:11 AM | There is a vast difference in respecting core values,,,and someone who shows ( by your own words) so many requirements,,,yes requirments,,,ever try "blending",thoughts needs,desires,,,
You seem far to preoccupied with one man or your past,,,,,one NEVER even needs to bargin as you say,,,the only thing needed is to learn about the other,,,commmunicate,,,if that other breaks the trust,,,than to the curb they go,,,as for "don't stand a chance of having you in his future",,,he may be a real player,,,yet you do yourself diservice,,,it shows in your referene to you even thinking of words like "giving yourself away to the lowest bidder"....like you use some scale,,,what income,,,???or other non core value aspects,,,,no one gives anything,,,they share,,,no one comares one person against another,,, | |
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MsChar
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Joined: 10/4/2005
Msg: 340 | |
| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/5/2007 9:25:32 AM | Well again .. this also is my opinion ... Both my boyfriend and I remain on POF .. not because we are looking for anything but chatting ,email ,and forums.It says that in both of our profiles.We both use the computer when we are home together or when we are home alone( as i am now). Actually we both know each others pass words even !I have never felt the need to check his messages as we discuss with each other and often even show each other messages we get. And believe it or not we BOTH still get messages and IM s from people looking for anything from a date to those just wanting SEX.We both spend time on forums and one of the things we have the most fun at is the POF parties. The thing to remember here is there are alot of couples on this site who are like us just want to chat email or do forums and attend parties too. I would not stand for any man demanding me to do anything and i sure wouldnt demand anything of him.I guess the main thing is you are taking your relationship seriously and being totally honest and most of all being truly in love!
charla | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/5/2007 9:42:02 AM | Right Nick. Thats what me and my S/O have done...simply stated that we are here for friends and refer to each other by screen name in our profiles.
I think thats kinda effective. Not only do the fishers know that we are attached and not looking, but if someone thinks he's outta line, they know how to contact me
Kidding, kidding! | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/11/2007 7:58:51 AM | | Sex is a natural addiction and when a persons wife or girlfriendwon`t have sex with him for what ever reason for long periods of time whats he suppose to do.Remember it`s a NATURAL addiction humans were born with | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/11/2007 8:24:11 AM | Anyone can delete a account...then make up one and you would never know..if you wanna hide on here you can....there has to be a element of trust and that goes both ways...
Maybe I was born in the wrong Era..but I still have faith in people and if someone claims they are for you..they will be true to that | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 3/11/2007 9:03:07 AM | | I personally think it's funny when someone acts in such a way as to create a million questions in their partner's mind, and then bash them for being "insecure." I for one would be flattered if my partner worried about such things, as long as they approached it in a healthy and respectful manner. I would also respect the fact that something is bothering them and do what I can to correct it, even though I might not agree. This is a long lost concept called EMPATHY. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 4/13/2007 9:03:08 PM | have learned, through experience, that a man who has to be asked, commanded, bullied or given an ultimatum to give up his internet dating site, is not a man who is seeking long term.
My experience has taught me that I will not be intimate with a man until he decides to remove his profile.
you will find a man who thinks you are one in a million and he will ask you to cancel your membership because he will not want to share you!
What I learned from this experience is that if a man needs to be given an ultimatum to leave a dating site, then he is not worth it.
POF Account & Dating Site are NOT synonymous.
There is nothing whatsoever wrong for anyone to clearly state in his/her POF Profile he is not "On The Market" but is only here for posting on the Forums, which I might add is one of the finest Forums anywhere.
Do not associate the "POF Forums" with "Dating Site" ... they are not the samething, and requesting your other half delete their Account before getting intimate is the absolute Pinnacle of Lunacy.
I sympathize with what happened to you, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with surfing our Forums. There are plenty of People here who care little about the Dating Aspect of this Site, and only come here for Advices, Common Concensus, current Thought and Ideas on all sort of Subjects and Topics.
And if you think your Boyfriend or Husband should not be able to participate in these Forums, you are not worth it. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 4/13/2007 10:03:46 PM | Wow,
I think you are so amazing, Good luck to you after all this!!!!!!!!
Man, I have gotta say ,when is a good time or long enought time for us to trust in some man who tells us everything we wanna hear, is home every nite, makes a good living, tells us he's in love with us and then,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,bang something like this happens.
My friend was 31 yrs old, married, her husband worked in the Oil Patch, new home, all the gadgets, etc, so much in love....... then she found out he had bought a Laptop, took it with him on the riggs and was having Intimate Encounters all over the place, when she confronted him, he denied,denied,denied!!!!!!!!
So you tell me , "what does a man really need????" | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 4/14/2007 9:26:43 AM |
There is nothing whatsoever wrong for anyone to clearly state in his/her POF profile he is not "on the market" but is only here for posting on the forums....There are plenty of people here who care little about the dating aspect of this site....
I totally agree, Ticketoride.
I met my partner through POF. He deleted his account, but I have maintained mine, making it abundantly clear on my profile that I'm TAKEN and JUST HERE FOR THE FORUMS.
Yet my partner has friends who insist that the only reason why I would remain on POF is because I'm still fishing---despite having the forums aspect explained to them.
Fortunately, my partner has more sense than that, and he actually created a new profile to participate in the forums as well. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 4/14/2007 9:44:43 AM | "POF Account & Dating Site are NOT synonymous.
There is nothing whatsoever wrong for anyone to clearly state in his/her POF Profile he is not "On The Market" but is only here for posting on the Forums, which I might add is one of the finest Forums anywhere." I totally agree. It's not the internet, this site that creates liars or cheaters. There's been lying and cheating going on in relationships long before computers were around.
To make any demands is immature and controlling. If you can't trust your man, then you're with the wrong man. Don't blame the internet or a website. I guess if you can't trust him, and want to stay with him, you'd have to make him work at home, and not let him out of the house by himself. I'm sure that'd go over well. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:54:36 AM | | I must think in an old-fashioned way. I would never demand a guy to remove his profile. If we are supposed to be exclusive and he has a profile up on a dating site (not a forum or message board), then I'd know he's just playing with me and would never take him seriously. If I have to demand he remove his profile, he is not that into me. | |
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| Cross your legs until he cancels his POF account#2!
Posted: 4/14/2007 11:05:54 PM | I met my ex wife on the internet 8 years ago, pretty uncommon then. I was talking to other girls at the time as well. When we got serious, I stopped going to all the sites I went to that I knew people. I knew how easy it was to meet other people and if it was going to be me and her, it was just going to be me and her. She didn't have to ask, I did it on my own accord and would do it again in the future. I was happy with her, she was the one I wanted. If I wanted to keep looking then whey would I even think of getting married.
It really is a no brainer. | |
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