| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 4:52:06 AM | i have ocd and its hard to live with. i understand tht he should not have raged like tht to u. but the feelings something like using a towel produces are really bad at times. if it was easily controllable, no one would have ocd. i got very upset when a friend made himself a coffee and used my cup..i just stood there getting stressed and said thts my cup..and he apologised as he knew why it was a problem but didnt realize while he was making the drink. i accepted it but was quite anxious for a while after and had to wash it several times.
i always set out rules for ppl when they visit. i choose a certain colour towel etc for them so it makes it easier,,and they r always in a different place in the bathroom.
i have succesful friendships/relationships with ppl and they are/have been empathetic to my illness. please dont call ppl with mental illnesses freaks etc. we are not. | |
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Xena_
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Joined: 6/16/2006
Msg: 27 | |
| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 5:28:18 AM | lizzie2763 :
You are absolutely right. You most certainly are NOT a freak because of your illness. But you do recognize it and understand that many people don't get where you are coming from. It is an unfortunate side effect but you do take the steps to ensure that they at least begin to understand. They know that they must abide by certain boundaries and are more than willing to do so because of the way you have approached them and because they appreciate you for who you are.
The gentlemen as described by the OP has not taken these steps and the two are in a relationship...He has, in fact, taken it a step further and put the blame on her for not fully understanding and has become angered with her. One can certainly understand his frustration had he gone about this in the way you have, he hasn't. Instead he berates her for not doing as she is TOLD, rather than as she is asked. (Two different approaches if you ask me.) Which is what makes this such a difficult situation. The OP has to understand that until he recognizes his errors, she no more can help him than any of us can. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 5:51:40 AM | Zima...this man has huge issues that stem way beyond his towel obsessions.
First its thie towel issue...next it will be something else....
From what I read in your excerpt....and I am not an expert at diagnosing anyone but I have seen alot in my life and been there before my dear... he appears to have the following...
he has control issues
obcessive compulsive disorder
and an abbusive way of speaking to you
Ask yourself one thing...is this the man for you???
Good luck honey and start fishing again
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 6:18:55 AM | I agree with KBMor^^^^^^^first this issue.. and there will be more...
I agree with most of the posters here that you should run... get out of this relationship- fast! Some have pointed out that he actually did, in fact, explain and ask you NOt to touch towels. But thats like asking you to breathe in a certain way- what you did was just natural and normal. His request, while you would like to honor it, is not normal and not something that is wrong with you. I could see if he said "That really bothers me, could you please try to remember this in the future.. I just have this thang about towels touching..." and both of you working it together. BUt his verbal abuse and blaming oyu for this goes over the top. And once he has you controlled in this area, there will be others, and he will just keep raising the stakes.
I was married to someone like that, though it wasnt about towels or anything that actually seemed significant. Just little things that would make him blow, and I usually never knew what it might be. I hate those kinds of surprises, and I learned to live in fear. You definitely do not want that to begin consuming your life. You will lose your identity and then friends, etc. I adored my husband, and it near killed me to leave him. But whenever I second guess myself, I think of the rages and control issues he had. He wasnt even as bad as your BF sounds, at first, but things do escalate.
Actually, as I type this, come to think about it I guess my ex DID have a towel thing, too. He would NEVER hang up a towel to dry and reuse the next day. He would use it, then drop it on the floor or put it in the laundry bin. Never ever used a towel twice in a row, and that cdreated a big laundry problem for me, which I dutifully did as a good wife (Oh but I was never good enough to comply with ALL his demands!)
Just realilze, also, that its not YOU, OP, its him! Do not allow him to control your life or habits. He might be OCD, but there's a difference between those who acknowldge and accept their own issues and those that just blame others and get enraged.
Just my 10 cents worth (I'm in FL so its more $$)
Take care and be careful, please!
You messed up--again, and you continue to heighten the situation with your comments. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 6:44:00 AM | | It is obvious to me that the two of you are not on the same page with this towel issue and there will be many more such issues should you choose to stay in this relationship. I was in a relationship with a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder and I sympathize with this man who as many have said suffers mental illness most likely OCD. One has to ask themselves the question no matter how much or how little they love the person am I willing to put up with this disorder and will it be the best possible relationship for me. Often people stay in a relationship where they are not really happy out of concern for the others illness. I know I did for 1 1/2 years after I really was not happy in it. I believe that everyone deserves to be loved but I have learned that I can not let my love for them stress me out and undermine my life lest my mental state become as confused as theirs. I would lovingly explain to him that we are just to different and things are just not going to work out. Rather than drive each other to rage with the daily disagreements such as this one it is time to move on. He knows he has issues and no matter how he reacts he will know you are right after he thinks it over. It is very difficult to live with a mental disorder and even more difficult to live with a person that has one. I have many friends that are mentally ill and I love them dearly. They each have something about them that others do not have but one must be willing to be a patient listener and do much research to understand and maintain such friendships. I would be very unlikely to enter into an intimate love relationship with a mentally ill person again due to my experience with this but very much love them as friends. They are not terrible people to be avoided completely and God loves them as much as he loves me and you. If you can work with their disorders they are among your most loyal of friends. Be nice be wise and do what you already know is best for both of you. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 6:57:38 AM |
. One has to ask themselves the question no matter how much or how little they love the person am I willing to put up with this disorder and will it be the best possible relationship for me.
Really, its not about how much you may love someone, but about how much you can manage it, and still keep your own sense of self worth and sanity. I very much loved my husband the day I made him leave (with some assistance) but I was afraid of him, and I otherwise had no control over my own life. My closest friendships were destroyed beyond repair, and I no longer had the same access to my family as I had always known. You can love that person fiercely, but its no good if you cannot be yourself and keep your own identity as well. Its extremely unbalanced. You might not lose your life or get battered physically, but you might lose everything else. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 6:57:55 AM | | I would run the other way as quickly as possible. To be dating this guy for 1 1/2 years and he is doing this. Think what would happen if you ever got married. You would be walking on egg shells all your life and who needs that. He needs some kind of help for his compulsive behavior. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit. | |
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daisie
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Joined: 9/22/2004
Msg: 33 | |
| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 6:58:37 AM | If it's HIS house you should do things HIS way.
If you don't like his way, then stop dating him.
It's pretty simple....it's not your business to make him change his behavior. But it is absolutely your right to subject yourself to it or not.
So I think asking about where is a normal place to put towels is beside the point...the better questions are these,
"WHY do I continue to casually date a guy for 1.5 years when it bothers me that he feels and acts like this?
WHY can't I draw my line, and take action?
WHY do I need this guy so much I'm willing to put up with this behavior I disagree with?" | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:09:24 AM | dump him quick! you are wasting your time with him. If you take a shower at my place I would be grateful if the towel was hung up.  | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:20:30 AM | | I think your friend is very weird, disrespectful to you and he sounds like a control freak. GET RID OF HIM IMMEDIATELY BEFORE HE HURTS YOU, physically or mentally! | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:27:07 AM | | Oh My run away! Change you number and move, seriously! He sounds like a complete nutbar. I have to say Mackz suggestion of letting the toilet over flow and use his towel to mop it would be funny except that he might seriously try and kill you. I had a boyfriend that everything on the shelves in the bathroom had a place if I put something in the wrong spot it would be moved, so I played with it a bit until one day he talked to me about it. So the next time I completly flipped the shelves around. He quickly fixed them, and all he said to me was "That was not funny" but never did complian again if something was slightly out of place. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:39:44 AM | | Sounds like this guy has some serious control issues besides being obsessive compulsive. If he freaks out over, in my mind, a trivial issue like this, what will happen if something serious arises, as it will, over time. My recommendation is start looking, this one's on the edge. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:43:08 AM | | well, you've been seeing him for 1.5 yrs. are you emotionally attached to him? it does sound a bit like ocd. sorry. but, that does'nt mean you should just toss him. first, i would apologize (but don't take the verbal abuse). then i would talk to him about it. if you're not emotionally connected, then i would still apologize, and give serious thought to moving on. but just because someone has ocd does'nt make them unlovable. it's just sometimes a bit more work. only you know for sure op. good luck...............................vvvvvvvvvvvvvv - the guy below me has some really great points too - i'm the same way about some things - does'nt make me ocd......sorry.vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:54:10 AM | Sounds like you don't care to honor his simple little request.
I don't like my refridgerator door left open while someone is pouring a glass of milk, or the water left running while washing dishes. These are simple things that irk me and may seem like stupidity to someone else but if someone is going to try to belittle me because they think my irks are stupid, they wil soon be shown the door.
You owe him an apology. Sounds like he's sick and tired of you not keeping your word and he doesn't any longer care if he's rude to you because he's probably ready to dump your inconsiderate butt. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 7:54:18 AM | | All I can is that you are a STRONG WOMEN! who gives a S*** about a F*****G towel, tell him to bite you. leave his A** alone | |
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*Illsa
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Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 41 | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:06:05 AM | | Dear God!!!! If he is this way about a towel, wait till you get to something really important. Leave the ASS and move on. | |
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a1na2
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Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 44 | |
| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:16:45 AM | If you really respect him then apologize and abide by his wishes as best you can from now on.
Otherwise, it's time to move on. | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:37:33 AM | A few names have been mentioned...Control freak...insulting...neat/germ freak....OCD...
OCD is a real disease...and while I know I couldn't live with someone who is like this I don't know the whole story well enough to say you shouldn't. I see his behavior as abusive and insulting.
On another note...I can't imagine making love...oh, sorry...having sex with someone like this...does he jump up and run to the bathroom to wash the minute it is over???? LOL This is just a micro-example of what it would be like to live with someone like him...YIKES!! If your towels aren't allowed to touch, are your bodies allowed??? LOL   | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:38:34 AM | | Girl, do you really have to consider this subject? Listen to the disrespectful way he talked to you? He "instructed" you not to touch his towel? He "expects" you to do as he wishes? Maybe I am wrong, I don't know him, but I was married for many years to a verbally abusive,controlling man and I see red flags all over the place in the way this guy talks to you. It is NOT going to improve, please believe me. I'm very worried for you. Tell him to sleep with his towel and move on, you deserve better!! | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:39:43 AM | Hi Ravager,
I do agree that this is clearly important to him and he has a right to expect her to respect his feelings. But look at how he talks to her, THAT is the problem here. I think the towel is just a small part of a much bigger situation??? | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:49:15 AM | | Hello All, I am a psychiatric R.N. and from just the bit that the initial contact wrote it is pretty obvious that this man has some problems with obsessive compulsive disorder, he cant help it, it's a disease,believe me I know it by heart because it run's in my family also! It can be very hard to live with, especially without medication, so maybe you should suggest that your friend see a doctor or that he look up the disorder and see if he then think's he might need to talk to a Dr. It will always be with him, it can get better but it can also get much worse and it can be HE** to live with. Hope it work's out for you in a fashion you can live with...............................BBB | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 8:52:08 AM | | Yeah ok the guy has OCD - obviously - but that does not by any means give him the right or the excuse to be ABUSIVE !!!!! You would be safe to suggest therapy and medication then have no further contact with this man - he is out of control!!! Do not take any chances with your safety!!! | |
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| TO TOUCH OR NOT TO TOUCH
Posted: 10/18/2006 9:18:33 AM | I agree with what thesnuggler had to say!
This guy is one sick **stard!
He shared your germs through intimacy, now don't you wish
you could wash his germs all away?! | |
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