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Posted: 10/21/2006 8:45:39 AM | Jarbarian, sounds like you are still smarting a bit and allowing an issue of semantics to be the way to work out some of the lingering feelings. Would it have made you feel any better if she had said she didn't feel that she loved you enough to make a long-term relationship work? That would have been less hurtful. Juniper Moon made some very good points as have others about the different types of love we feel for various people in our lives.
I was very seriously involved earlier in the year but after a few months, he proved to be very different from who I thought he was. Very strong feelings quickly evaporated on my part because the man I fell in love with did not exist. I had a brief, two-year marriage in my twenties, never felt the in-love thing with him and we divorced I think because we were just too young to know what the hell we were doing. I was "in-love" with the father of my children and one of the reasons I did not walk out of a bad relationship earlier was because I let those feelings cloud my judgment; the I'll die without him malarcky.
Sometimes it is better to listen to what the person is saying not so much how they say it. You indicate that you are happy to be out of the relationship because she is probably not a good choice for long term. Ultimately, she did you a favor when you may not have recognized the obstacles to a successful LTR, i.e. someone with butterfly needs would require huge continual amounts of attention to be happy, how exhausting. Take the cliche as a blessing and hopefully the next gal will be the right one, lol. | |
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Posted: 10/21/2006 12:11:22 PM | Disagree.
I have friends which I have no problem telling them that "I Love You!!" but not in love with.
People do have many unreal expectations though, about a great many things.
You can't underestimate the power of denile. | |
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Posted: 10/21/2006 12:52:33 PM |
it happens that you can "love" somebody but never really feel butterflies at all..ever..and that sucks..
like freyja said: it simply can mean ..I dont want to have sex with you..lol.
And while it might be un-realistic to expect butterflies to last forever..love is a place where your illusions are important.
Overly romantic folks..like myself..we like our illusions and want the same illusions in our partners..even if the intellect tells us that these "illusions" are ultimately "false".
I mean doesnt everyone on here want love. (intimate encounters aside) ..yet all of us have had little "lasting" luck in our past..but that doesnt stop us from looking.
Some people are looking for a realistic "co-habitation" some are looking for "romantic" love so its good when you find someone who shares your illusions..
Sobotai's comments could not have been more true for me. I looked at what I wanted to quote from this post, but the whole thing really works for me. I know that I have had butterflies, I have had a true abiding love at the bedside in the hospital of a lover. I have got past the limerance stage where love is only bliss. True love bends over backwards to accomodate.
If being in love was only about sex than I would still be in love with past lovers. For me I am not in love now for probably the first time in my life. However I have many I love, ex's included.
Is there anything wrong with the expectation and notion that the ultimate romance might lie ahead? At this point in my life cohabitation with someone is the last thing I want. I seem to only want the "illusions". My life is pretty full of normal everyday living, I can do that without being in love. The part of me is here on a regular basis is the one that needs romantic illusions to be complete.
I Love you, But I'm not "In Love" with you... I've heard it, I've said it. | |
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Posted: 10/21/2006 12:53:22 PM | | I disagree I use the word I love you in terms of romantic love and only for that. Otherwise I'll use I like or I care about you. To me there is no such thing as I love you but I'm not in love with you, it's either one or nothing. | |
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Posted: 10/30/2006 5:11:29 PM | Personally I have never used this statement or ever heard it used it towards me. But it is rather cliche. I think it is sort of the way to duck out of a serious commitment but slap on the bandaid by saying...but I do love you...just not in love with you (can't see myself being with you the rest of my life kind of loving you).
Some people do not like commitment, want to have sex, so they need to say they love you, then they can get out of a serious relationship by saying "I'm not in love with you" | |
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Posted: 10/30/2006 10:25:33 PM | I agree with Mimosa, you can love someone as a friend and appreciate many things about him. But if you're not 'in love', then something is holding you back from making a genuine personal commitment; for whatever reason that you may not be clear to you at the time. If you're looking for an excuse to not have to do something in your life, just pick one, it really doesn't matter what it is, just don't pick this one if you're trying to break up with someone.
BonBon | |
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Posted: 10/30/2006 10:47:22 PM | I disagree I use the word I love you in terms of romantic love and only for that. Otherwise I'll use I like or I care about you. To me there is no such thing as I love you but I'm not in love with you, it's either one or nothing.
"Ok, it was great talking to you mom/dad... I... care about you". 
or your child going away to college:
"Have fun, study hard, get good grades! And don't forget, I.. like you". 
Realistically thats an absurd statement. The words "I love you" can have different meanings depending on *who* you are saying them to.
He is now (and has been for quite a few years) my best friend. I love him dearly. But I definitely do NOT feel romantic love for him. I don't feel chemistry, spark or even sexual attraction. I value him, his friendship, his many wonderful qualities, but there is no way I'd date him or otherwise be intimately involved with him. I think that technically means I love him, but am not in love with him.
I have a couple ex's that I will always love for the experiences we had together, and for what we learned from each other along the way. I'm not "in love" with them, but we still talk occasionally and I value having had them in my life. And yeah, one had surgery (hysterectomy) back in January, and I sent her flowers and a nice personalized "get well" card signed "w/ love, Pete". Her BF called and thanked me for the flowers, said they made her smile (even while doped out on morphine). Its called being a friend. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2006 8:38:00 AM |
Jarbarian, sounds like you are still smarting a bit and allowing an issue of semantics to be the way to work out some of the lingering feelings.
Nah, I saw the quote and wanted to get feedback on it. Nothing more, nothing less. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2006 3:33:04 PM | I disagree ...it is just a bullshit statement that usually is used to get rid of the person with little hurt involved but also with little feeling into the statement.I find it is used when a person feels trapped and doesnt know what to say...say the truth. You are not in love no more and you do not love the person.You care for them but do you really still love him/her. | |
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