| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/25/2006 9:52:58 AM | I'm not sure if an addiction should be considered the same as a disorder but since I've got a long history of living with an addict, I thought I'd throw my two cents in on this topic. My wife and I were married for more than 20 years when it became aparent that she had a gambling problem. Eventually, it became obvious that it was much more than a problem . . . it was a full blown addiction. Since we had always been able to overcome any other obstacle in our relationship I was not immediately that concerned. We discussed the problem and I helped her find a local Gambler's Anonymnous meeting. Well, as the months passed the problem only got worst. So I helped her get some professional counseling to deal with it. Again, her addiction got progressively worst. Without going into a great amount of detail I will just say that her addiction eventually led to our filing bankruptcy, the foreclousre of our home of 15 yrs & eventually to our divorce after 30 yrs of marriage. The most valuable lesson that I learned during that tragic time in my life is that you can NEVER change another person, no matter what you do or how hard you try. In the case of an addiction, if the addict is not 100% committed to recovery, the only thing you can do is accept it and let go of the problem. It's very difficult to watch someone you love destroy themselves but in the case of addictions, if you allow it to happen they will imprison you as much as the addict themselves.
Gary | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/25/2006 12:00:49 PM | | Gary, you hit a couple of nails on head, if the person is allowed then why not!!! how ever in my case alcohilism is classed as a desease (spelt wrong i know im crap) an allergic in the brain. personally i tackled 100% and have been sober 19 months. difficult yes a massive understatement but as you say with support of loved ones without prejudice has helped me combat this and many other issues. To anyone who is in a relationship with someone with "disorders" it can be very hard and i wish them every luck with it. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/25/2006 2:10:46 PM | The best thing to do is learn as much as you can about the disorder, then makes sure you can live with the personality of the disorder. I am bipolar, and my wife and I love each other dearly.
We have gone through ups and downs, but I have made a serious effort to overcome the bad parts and utilize the good parts. Its been 16 yrs since we got together, and everything it going great.
Dont get me wrong here, it hasnt been easy, but I think that has also helped create a stronger bond between us. If the person is ungoing medical supervisions and is really working on it then yes you can have a good relationship. If they are not being treated, then forget it and run like hell. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/25/2006 2:38:14 PM | I wish I knew the answer to this post....I dated a gentleman for 4 years who suffered from bi-polar, diabetes, and panic attacks....I did not know about the bipolar for a few years just though he was really hard to get along with....I learned everything I could about diabetes and panic attacks.....Well, when we broke up I found out about the bipolar.....so we tried to make it work again......I even went as far as setting up therapy for both of us...he was willing to go until it was time......blamed everything on me......would at times admit he was doing something wrong but could not accept the fact that he had a problem...afraid that it would be use against him.......The relationship is over but breaks my heart because he is such a sweet caring man who needs help but wont take it............I lost myself in the relationship; tried to the point of almost killing myself........cant be responsible for someone else......
I have nothing against anyone with a disorder but I know I can never put myself through it again.....to hard on the body, mind and emotion.... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:13:29 PM | speaking from someone who has Daily anxiety and Depression, and who is trying home therepy for it through Lucinda Basett www.stresscenter.com
I agree it is hard sometimes with disorders, but a typical person is stubborn and set in their own ways anyways. the rough part is the Stigma Attached to any Mental Health Issues.
There is a lot of rough things that happen in everyone's life and some people have taken it well and some people have not, some people have to learn Life Skills to live life fuller and some just go on their way. Everyone is different, I can and will lessen my anxiety if I put forth the effort! unfortunately not everyone can do the same thing, but it doesn't make them less human. I have friends with many types of disorders from ADD to Bi Polar! Do we clash when it comes to certain things we both think yes for sure! do I love them or care about them any less DIFFINATELY NOT! if anyone wants to get to know what that person is going through they can read it up on internet or get pamplets and inform themselves, as many have said in this forum. I beleive if you really love someone you can make things work, weather it's a health issue, a arguement, stressful times, becuz these times are always going to be here, it's a matter of keep doing what we are doing and carry on.
Kristie | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/25/2006 3:17:17 PM | speaking from someone who has Daily anxiety and Depression, and who is trying home therepy for it through Lucinda Basett www.stresscenter.com
I agree it is hard sometimes with disorders, but a typical person is stubborn and set in their own ways anyways. the rough part is the Stigma Attached to any Mental Health Issues.
There is a lot of rough things that happen in everyone's life and some people have taken it well and some people have not, some people have to learn Life Skills to live life fuller and some just go on their way. Everyone is different, I can and will lessen my anxiety if I put forth the effort! unfortunately not everyone can do the same thing, but it doesn't make them less human. I have friends with many types of disorders from ADD to Bi Polar! Do we clash when it comes to certain things we both think yes for sure! do I love them or care about them any less DIFFINATELY NOT! if anyone wants to get to know what that person is going through they can read it up on internet or get pamplets and inform themselves, as many have said in this forum. I beleive if you really love someone you can make things work, weather it's a health issue, a arguement, stressful times, becuz these times are always going to be here, it's a matter of keep doing what we are doing and carry on.
Kristie | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/25/2006 7:49:04 PM | I was willing to stand by this man regardless of what he had wrong with him; none of us are perfect...But no matter what I did he wouldnt give an inch......I will always love him but he will never have a successful relationship because he cant admit that he has a problem....he cant trust that someone actually cares.....I tried everything short of cutting off my two arms and legs to show him how much I was trying and how much I needed him to try to....
When it came to the point that I was losing my sanity too....literally.....I had to choose between me or the relationship......killed me to give up on him but you cant help someone who wont help themeselves....I personally wont date someone again who has this disorder because I wont put myself through it again but that does not mean that a person with a disorder is not worth loving.....on the contrary, they are just as worthy but they have to recognize it and be assured that they are ok......they are loved for who they are not what they are......
And just one final note.....anyone who is in a relationship with someone who has some kind of a disablitiy I commend you.....it is not easy, it takes more work than normal and you are an exceptional person.......Enjoy the fact that you can both have the desire to be with each other despite challenges..... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/26/2006 1:41:05 AM | How do you love someone with a Disorder...
Get educated like the smart lady in msg #6 stated........and love them unconditionally....yes, you are right Cheekybrit....:)
Wishing you the very best!
0:)
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/26/2006 2:04:06 AM | Yeah, real love is unconditional.
Sounds like he's asking and implying he has a disorder. His screenname "evil blue eyes" and his look is odd too. He seems to communicate kind of out of the blue...like he's more thinking out loud then recognizing then he is posting to people. He states he has ADD, but this may be self diagnosis....what he is describling in conjunction about his girlfriend and his assumption of ADD with that....looks like "Explosive disorder" or mania.
He says she "pushes buttons" and that statement is one of the most common made by males with abuse related disorders such as mania and explosive disorder. He seems to realize he has a disorder, but the way asks the question out of nowhere, not framing his postings in thier narrative, seems a little incoherent. BUT at least he has the courage to own it which is more than I can say for some people. He has insight. Hooray. See a doctor - love doesn't treat these things. The question may be....how do you love someone, if you have a disorder ?
Go to a doctor.
Hey, codedout --- thanks for the advice from a bipolar guy....that was my observation exactly. I was with a guy like that and it was hell, absolute hell. He would not recognize it, and he did meth and you know that makes it much worse and causes it to worsen for months. It was just hell. He was raving and out of control, paranoid, and projecting, euphoric, babbling, aggressive, you know the symptoms codeout. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/26/2006 2:05:32 PM | | True Love is unconditional but sometimes even that is not enough.......It would be foolish to say that it is easy to develop and nurture a relationship with someone who has a disorder especially a mental one.....They can be most caring, honest individuals and are definetly worth being loved but it is not an easy task.........it takes a special kind of person, someone who can perservere, who can put thereselves in the other persons shoes and can learn who the person really is and understand they dont always mean what they say......And loving unconditionally sometimes means giving the relationship up because the other person is not able to love back......My ex boyfriend will always have someone who loves him unconditionally but until he learns how to love back he will always be alone.....that is what is sad....his disorder wont allow him to love or allow him to maintain a relationship and probably never will.... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/26/2006 2:51:21 PM | | Wow, sublimeluvr..a lot of power in those words. I'm dealing with that right now and, truthfully, it's time to move on when the person you care about doesn't even appear to be trying to fight their problem. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/26/2006 3:58:42 PM | If you love the person, the disorder is just like the color of their eyes... it shouldn't matter, and shouldn't be the biggest part of who they are, rather as something you account for and accept, because they belong to the one you love. I was engaged to someone who is bi-polar, loved an alcoholic, and dated a few others with severe depression, committment phobias, and other things... honestly, I believe we all have a disorder anyway!
My job put me in constant, consistent contact with people who have severe personality disorders (oh, and the patients are rough sometimes, too!)... but my advice is very simple, though harsh: Just because you know everything about someone's disorder does NOT mean you will be able to handle it. If you can accept the person completely, then you should continue to love them. If not, then be honest with yourself and with your loved one, and release the other person to find someone who can love them as you cannot. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you, it just means you're able to be honest with yourself about what you can accept and what is beyond your ability. My engagement ended horribly, but she's since married and started a family, and I wish her the best for it.
-B. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/29/2006 12:17:16 AM | Genuine,
you have pretty much validated everything I have endured. My ex is the one who had to look for the 'greener grass' after 14 years, yet.. I feel liberated, vindicated.
I'm the one who had to go through having 1 1/2 feet in the grave, paralysis, complete amnesia, and having to come back from all of that. Well in the end, all our time together (14 years) didn't amount to a hill of beans, "she" was the most important thing in this life according to her, SHE had to screw around....so yes, we all do have a disorder, some more than others, but it's all in how we deal with it ! Some deal with it honestly...well, some don't.
I'm not happy by any means, but at least I can look myself in the mirror and sleep without any pangs of bad conscience !!!
And I'll bet you don't "wish her the best for it", but I know that's the 'politically correct' thing to say.
All I can say is ...good luck to you,..and all of us !
 Klaus | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:40:05 AM | | Last year I had to give up my soulmate..FOr the last 12 years I was married to the man of my dreams..we were bonded for eternity..WHen we first met I thought he was such an exciting man, he loved to be daring, highly sexual, very in tune with his emotional side..Until one day he woke up in the middle of the night ..packed his back pack..got on his bike and never said goddbye.For two weeks I did not know where he was.I was prepared to tell the children that addy had gone to heaven.Saturday morning he walked through the door, said good morning and headed straight to the basement..He acted like he had just gone for his usual bike ride..That was just the beginning of many, many stressful days to come..He became an addict, trying to self medicate, became addicted to pornography(hiding it everywhere) Yet I loved him, we got some help from a psychiatrist, that helped a little..Yet everything else was crumbling down, We lost our house..and then one day ..they took my children away..I tried so hard to make it work, I gave up my life to help him, our family..Today we are not together anymore..The kiddies are with me..Educate yourself, ask for help, take time out, use agencie resources, because before you know it, Everything you had that was precious to you is lost.. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:43:56 AM |
Last year I had to give up my soulmate..FOr the last 12 years I was married to the man of my dreams..we were bonded for eternity..WHen we first met I thought he was such an exciting man, he loved to be daring, highly sexual, very in tune with his emotional side..Until one day he woke up in the middle of the night ..packed his back pack..got on his bike and never said goddbye.For two weeks I did not know where he was.I was prepared to tell the children that addy had gone to heaven.Saturday morning he walked through the door, said good morning and headed straight to the basement..He acted like he had just gone for his usual bike ride..That was just the beginning of many, many stressful days to come..He became an addict, trying to self medicate, became addicted to pornography(hiding it everywhere) Yet I loved him, we got some help from a psychiatrist, that helped a little..Yet everything else was crumbling down, We lost our house..and then one day ..they took my children away..I tried so hard to make it work, I gave up my life to help him, our family..Today we are not together anymore..The kiddies are with me..Educate yourself, ask for help, take time out, use agencie resources, because before you know it, Everything you had that was precious to you is lost..
The perfect example I discussed in the "divorce" thread. People divorce for a complex myriad of reasons, claiming people who divorce just don't care, and don't "try" is foolish -- cases like this confirm my point.
It is terribly unfortuate what happened to you and your family. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:54:00 AM | Thank Metallic Blue..The beauty of this story is that I learned so many lessons from this roller coaster ride..Today I am at a place where I never thought I would be in a milllion years..It made me take a good hard look at who I am and where I need to be..It has been a process but a fullfilling and awe inspiring oneand use it properly to say the least..I wake up every morning and look forward to the sun, rain , snow and whatever life has to throw at me, because I know that through all of this..It was a gift..I just needed to figure out how to unwrap it..and use it properly to help enrich my life... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/29/2006 9:41:19 AM | justbeinme32, it's wonderful that you see it in a positive light! it's very easy to be how negitive things are in life, but if we look at the positives life is a big bright rainbow shining in front of us, we don't even need the gold at the end of the rainbow to make us happy.
"putting up" with anyone in a hard time in their life is hard, but eventually you learn how to do it, and at some point you know if things will work or not, it'll show itself. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/29/2006 10:24:10 AM | Everyone has a disorder. My neighbor has only had one guest in 4 years and she lets her dog lick her toes while she sits on the front porce. She's a psychiatrist. I know a man who leaves his wife home alone while he goes out whoring with one girlfriend after another, but he's too much of a wuss to leave her. He's got a $400.00/month crank habit and has had for years. I know a 57 year old man who has lived with his sister their entire adult life. How do you find someone without a disorder?
We are all wierd in some sort of way. Anyone who says they aren't is probably worse than most. You find someone who's particular brand of wierd compliments your own. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 3:42:14 AM | | It is not a matter of whether they deserve to be loved or not..it is whether or not, they are willing to get the help..One can only handle so much heartache..There are at times serious trust issues broken..instability, and never knowing "Whats Next"..unless you have personally dealt with a person on a one to one basis..24/7..it is hard to judge or get the full spectrum of the Impact...When i ended up in a padded room for 20 days because of emotional stress of trying to love and learn and keep our family together..I could not love anymore..This is not a judgement upon you..just a statement...No i am not Crazy..just felt like I was going... | |
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~Joy~
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Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 75 | |
| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 4:02:00 AM | If you have to ask how to love them, then don't worry because you aren't in love with them anyway. You love someone with a disorder just the same as you love someone else...you just need to be able to understand their illness and you may have to put up with a lot. If you are not willing to stay focused with that person then it is better to throw in the towel and walk away. My daughter has bipolar and a personality disorder where she switches from one person to the next..but her husband is very supportive and patient, and also goes to some of her therapy sessions with her. He is focused where she can't always be, because of her illness. Because of his stability, she has become more stable also. | |
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