| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:24:52 AM | | I to was the loving and supportive spouse...IT depends on severity and everyones illness is different..I gave myself 100%..I was and still am his #1 advocate...Yet to keep myself and my children healthy I had to do what I had to do....I attended every appointment, read up on all his medication, kept a log of his cycles, Broke locks off of doors when he would shut himself in the basement, warded off dealers when they came to the door looking for money, after his Mania..I did all those things..Yet sometimes there is only so much one person can handle.. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 2:08:16 PM | I agree......nobody should have to sacrifice their own mental stablitity to be able to stay in a relationship......
Sometimes it is better to throw in the towel, leave, and take care of yourself...It is not being selfish........sometimes the person who has the disorder will take but wont give......if they dont ackowledge they have a problem how can you fix it.....they still need to take responsiblity for their ownselves.....but if they have someone to love them they are half way there already....
Sad for those who cant allow anyone in....they have to suffer........ | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 2:54:01 PM |
........sometimes the person who has the disorder will take but wont give
That can also equally apply to a person without an identifiable "disorder".
How do you love someone with a disorder?? the same way you love someone without one!
I tell you what, if we ran every citizen of the US,Canada, the UK, THE WORLD, even! through a battery of tests by doctors and psychologists, EVERY DAMN BODY on the planet would have some kind of disorder,disease, limitation, condition or syndrome! Wouldn't that just DRAIN the dating pool?? It wouldn't even be a rain puddle!
Cindy O | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 3:47:00 PM | You know unless you have been in a serious relationship with someone who suffers from a disorder you cant comment.....I am a very caring, unselfish individual but I spent almost 5 years dating a gentleman who suffered from manic depression......The last year has been the hardest......I have had to say good bye to him.....either that or I would end up in hospital.....have tried everything, it has taken such a toil on my life that I am in counselling now to help me deal with the effects of the relationship....My ex boyfriend is the sweetest, most caring man you could ever meet and on the surface he is perfect but underneath he is not nice most times.....I will always love him to pieces and worry about him but I cant not sacrifice myself.....he will not get help either this is a problem......
I agree everyone has some sort of a disorder but some peoples are just to hard to cope with no matter how hard you try.....
I am not getting angry here but please dont judge someone who couldnt stand by a person with a disorder.....unless youve lived it you dont understand it.... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 6:03:48 PM | I don't mean to judge anyone, and I know sometimes with illnesses such as bipolar disorder, severe depression, schizophrenia, or substance addiction/abuse, the partner has to bail as a matter of self preservation.
So I guess my answer to the OP would be;
Study the disorder, ask yourself if you can handle rough sledding sometimes( that is NOT the same thing as ABUSE), inform yourself as to "worst case scenarios" and make your decision from that.
However, there are many people who have been diagnosed with mild disorders and learning disabilities. I can't help but feeling like a lot of people go into dating/relationships nowadays with a ledger or checklist, because they are actually seeking to AVOID relationships, and "disorders" or "medical conditions" become a very common and convenient excuse.
People wonder why so many lie about or evade questions about ANY issue that might have negative connotations. Read the thread titles here for awhile
"Why won't men date single mothers?"
"Why won't anyone date a person who has a disability"
"why won't women date a guy with lowpaying job"
"Why won't men date women with a low status job."
"Is it a good idea to date someone who suffers from depression"
and on and on....
The message seems to be "If you have any issues or constraints on your time, money and health, either forget being in a good relationship or learn to gloss over or outright conceal those problems as long as possible"
That may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but it does make one wonder, doesn't it?
Cindy O | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:16:28 PM |
You know unless you have been in a serious relationship with someone who suffers from a disorder you cant comment
I agree. And if you do comment without having been there [directly or indirectly vicariously], you're only playing with a concept. Talking about it, and actually living it, it's an entirely different world. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:45:00 PM | you r absolutley right blue, i have been bi-polar most of my life. its a horrible illness. i take8 pills in the morning and 3 at night for my condition. and yes, its hard to find a real man who will deal with the mood swings, jelousy for no reason,making u get out of bed and be thankful when u just wanna curl up and die.i'm in a manic phase at this point, u can always tell w/a bi-polar person.they ramble on, and on, like me, heh heh.anyways u hit it right on the nose when u said [ donot comment without havivg been there,you're only playing with a concept, living with it is an entirely differnt world] i hold back telling guys cuz as soon as they know, they think i'm gonna go psycho,and thats only when people are not on there meds. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:46:10 PM | | I myself agree with loving unconditionally, however.... when they start to act out on account of the disorder and there is physical harm, then you have to step back and think twice. My ex was all peaches and cream.. then it came out- and the abuse started. Your classic Jekyl/Hyde scenario. You just have to consider what is necessary for your safety as well as thiers... if that makes any sense... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:57:25 PM | | i've never physically hurt anyone, but i know what u say is true, i control it as best as i can. my big thing is insecurity because a guy don't wanna take the time to read up on it. i'm sorry that u were abused. and i hope u nailed his ass (in jail i mean). no one deserves that. condition or not, when u feel that way, the best thing to do is lock yourself in a bedroom,bathroom, or take a walk. it works 4 me..good luck. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 8:21:27 PM | I did not understand the Jeckyll/Hyde concept for about two years....Last going off before I realized that he was bipolar I commented that he was like Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde because he would be calm, and collective and then just because I said it was snowing out he would become a savage...calling me names, making me feel like I was the worst thing in the world, etc....violent...not to me but those tendencies....It is scary for the person who is trying to live with someone with it; I can just imagine how scary it is for someone going through it....bottom line there is a difference in someone living with a condition and appreciating someone standing by them by trying to control it or somebody living with it and not caring how the other person feels.....not acknowledging that someone actually cares and is trying...
Those of you who are living with any kind of a disorder dont ever think you arent as good as anybody else.....Please though if there is someone who is willing to stick by you, please help them deal with it to....you dont have to go it alone.......trust that the person you are with truly cares, they must or they would not stick by you.....and ensure that you get help so they can continue to be a rock for you..... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/30/2006 8:49:10 PM | I myself have Aspergers Syndrome.
I believe that anyone has the power to overcome any adversity that hinders them. I hope my testimony will help others find within themselves the power to succeed.
I used to be what you could call a LOSER. I had NO friends. No life.
You see AS (aspergers syndrome), caused me to not have the social skills that any "normal" person would have, it also affects how I communicated and related to the world. I often misunderstood people and stuffed alot of things up.
However over time I (somehow) taught myself the proper social skills, and found ways in dealing with my problem. I re-taught myself how "normal" people think and act and copied this, so I too was "normal".
Anyway...
"Gifts of God come wraped up in problems"
"within every adversity lies the seed for an equall or greater opportunity" | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 5:31:49 AM | With patience....alot of patience
Some disorders are never ending for whatever reason - perhaps a chemical imbalance that cannot be rectified medically: some are treatable with prescribed drugs, sometimes nothing seems to work. Sometimes a disorder can disappear naturally over time because other things take precedence. When you have other things to live for, the 'disorder' or obsession ceases to dominate your life, it can take a long time but it isn't beyond the realms of possibility.
A disorder can cause utter havoc to a relationship and it would take the patience of a saint to put up with it. But patience is the only thing that really helps. That and an awful lot of talking, or should I say listening. The sufferer will open up and talk if and when they feel like it. Never force them to do anything. Alot of these things stem from being over-controlled and dominated so it is their way of restoring some control over their lives.
So much depends on the nature of the disorder; they are all so different, you can't generalise.
I suppose sustained support, love and acceptance is the only thing that will help any condition because so many disorders stem from deep rooted emotional problems and insecurities. Disorders are SYMPTOMS of something else not problems in themselves. (apart from things like dyslexia obviously but i can't see how that could impinge too much on the quality of a relationship)
Being heavy handed does not help at all: EVER (hospitals are obscenely heavy handed and often do nothing but keep a person alive, which is sometimes the last thing the sufferer wants anyway, but of course it is necessary). Ultimatums, threats, arguments, force, emotional blackmail do nothing but compound and re-inforce the problem. Nope - LOVE IS DEFINITELY THE ANSWER and consistency, they need to feel secure (having autonomy and security is a hard balance to strike but is worth striving for)
For the person suffering from the disorder:
The best thing you can do is IGNORE IT pretend it doesn't exist. Don't give it airtime. The less attention you give it the less significance it will have in your life. Don't be a slave to it. Cultivate new interests, focus on other things. Ignore it and it will go away....eventually.....the cause of it won't that will take years and years of talking and crying and feeling wretched (it all depends what the cause was) but once it is out it is out, you will feel exorcised and can then get on with the rest of you life! Don't be a slave to it, there is a big wide world out there, full of wonderful opportunities, you have one life; don't waste it.
LOOK OUTWARDS NOT INWARDS
DON'T SPEND TO MUCH TIME ON YOUR OWN - SEEK DISTRACTION/DIVERSION
FOCUS ON GIVING NOT TAKING
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE (REALLY!)
But the most important thing of all: the human generator, the thing that really galvanises us into action, spurs us on and gives meaning to our lives is LOVE (love for your others and love for yourself: do not think no-one can love you until you love yourself, that is a myth that can be totally paralysing: where do you begin???? The opposite was true for me (I had to be loved first before I could love myself). The source of that love has now gone, but the love he instilled in me lives on and will continue to forever.
LOVE IS THE BEST MEDICINE OF ALL
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 6:56:30 AM | Love does help one get through bad times, good times and any other time...Unfortunatelt love at times is not enough..THere are some disorders out there that you cannot just ignore and they will eventually go away..In theory it is a wonderful and positive soulution..The human mind is a powerful thing that cannot always be controlled with our own thoughts...not when it comes to dealing with the physical function of the brain..I am not talking about emotional or mental ability of the brain.....I am a true believer myself in Spirituality and positive self talk and all those other natural remedies...Yet we can not play god with the physical disfunctions that are out of our control..We can only help alleviate the mental and emotional symptoms.... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 7:32:26 AM | Bulimia and bi-polar are tough. Bulimia is probably worse in my opinion. All that gorging and puking ... not an attractive disorder by any stretch of the imagination. Bi-polar can be controlled with medication, if they'll take it. Dyslexia can't be that tough; I think we're all a little dyslexic at times -- transposing numbers, etc. My son has ADHD, but Ritalin helps him a lot. He seems to have no problem getting girls to date him. Although if he doesn't take his medication he kinda bounces off the walls and changes girlfriends like most of us change our socks...... I suppose it all boils down to whatever your tolerance level is for any disorder -- mental or otherwise. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 11:55:50 AM | If Love was the best medicine I would still be with my ex boyfriend......I did all that has been suggested, tried to boost his confidence, gave him all kinds of information on things other than his bipolar such as where to go for help to allow him to go back to school like he wanted, boosted him up so he would realize he was an asset to society, told him he was gorgeous sexy, which he was.....Like I said before I am no angel I do make mistakes but no matter how much love you give to someone they have to want to be able to love back to make it work......I wonder if he was capable of loving, of understanding what loving someone meant.....
It has been months but my heart still breaks......if he had gotten help like he has told me he would we would still be together and i would still be making sure he was ok......My biggest fear something will happen to him and he will be alone......(I have been the fourth relationship he was in; he is 43.....longest one he has been in) No one can live with him......and in his mind it has never been because of who he is; the other person is always the one who was at fault... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 12:11:54 PM | | You love them with and an open heart and mind and full knowledge of what they're dealing with. In today's society, there are all sorts of names and labels for just about everything. Though there are plenty of folks with real problems, there are also a lot of folks that aren't nearly as bad as they may sound if you're just going on their diagnosis. Give them a chance to simply be friends first. Find out who they are and what they're really like before you start trying to determine just how much of an affect their condition has on their daily life and their relationship to friends, family, co-workers and yourself. Once you've actually given them a chance for a while, then you can make the determination of whether or not you can handle a relationship with them. If you think you can deal with the quirks, then the loving comes easily, just always do so with your eyes open and remember like any one else, these folks are growing and developing daily. Patience will allow you to grow as well. Whatever you do though, don’t expect change… don’t ask for it… don’t demand it… they are who they are, just as you are who you are. Much luck to you. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 6:03:06 PM | | Yes SOme forms of Bi-Polar can be controlled with medications..not all are...and with medication comes side affects....To see a vibrant, intelligent man one day, go to a man who hardly knows his name and at times drools is another..there are so many levels to this illness..and to call one illness worse then another is ridiculous...this is not a laughing matter...not in the way you were basing your humour...there is so much depth to this..you have no ideal.... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 6:07:30 PM | | what about a disease that they cannot help they have such as a skin condition, such as psoriasis. its hard i can only imagine my sister has it and sometimes she said it can be painful and other times it dosent bothere her, i was just wandering if any one ever had a partner that had this type of disease | |
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Ewunia
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Joined: 5/20/2006
Msg: 94 | |
| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 10/31/2006 6:22:06 PM | | I have ADHD, and I'm dyslectic; I have no problem dating and I don't know why would a guy make an issue out of it...... however dating a person with bipolar disorder it's another issue...I don't think I could ........... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 11/1/2006 2:56:49 AM | | It's easy i love my mother, she has manic-depression, paranoia schizophrenia, nervous breakdowns, multiple personalities, I love my sister, she is a cleptomaniac, and a compulsive liar, I love my brother he is selfish(yes that is a mental problem) aka narcissist, I love my other brother he has tourettes, and hell I love myself, i have anger problems,lol it's easy to love someone with a problem. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 11/1/2006 6:23:54 AM |
It's easy i love my mother, she has manic-depression, paranoia schizophrenia, nervous breakdowns, multiple personalities, I love my sister, she is a cleptomaniac, and a compulsive liar, I love my brother he is selfish(yes that is a mental problem) aka narcissist, I love my other brother he has tourettes, and hell I love myself, i have anger problems,lol it's easy to love someone with a problem.
Loving them is easy. Liking them and tolerating being in their presence, a whole other ballgame I'm sure. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 11/1/2006 9:21:44 AM | | I feel so bad that I have to post these negative comments but I am just talking from experience.....I am sure it is not true for every relationship with someone with bipolar....I just fell in love with someone who cant deal with it.....Would give my two arms just to be able to grow old with him......He is loved more than he will ever know that is for sure... | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 11/2/2006 7:29:50 AM | Wow. As a person with Bi Polar Disorder some of your medical opinions are completely incorrect. We do not have inappropriate affect. You may be talking about Borderline Personality Disorder, but no Bipolar.
Unmedicated bipolars can suffer from severe mood swings. They are not "happy" they are about 100 floors above happy and are "manic". During these time, they will spend money they don't have, take a lot of risks, sleep very little, up for 4 to 5 days at a time, they are the life of the party. When the manic episode ends sometimes 2 weeks to 8 weeks, they crash into a drepression. The rarely will get out of bed, they are unable to work and they won't socialize with anyone. This can last 3 to 4 weeks without medication. They never have a midline norm.
One a Bipolar is medicated (usually with antipsychotic/anti-seizure drugs) the symptoms disappear fairly quickly and the person goes to even or midline, sometimes a little below in which an antidpressent would be added to their meds. Sometimes it can take months for meds to get to the levels they need to.
Any bipolar that consistently stays on their meds every day are extremely unlikely of having manic episodes every again. Also we are taught Cognitive Behavior Therapy to help us know if we could be heading for problems and how to cut them off at the pass.
Most bipolars don't share the information with anyone and no one knows the difference. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 11/2/2006 7:36:54 AM | Love is unconditional. You take the person for who they are with all their faults and all their other issues. If someone really loves someone truly and deeply, they see through all of this and are they to support their loved one, not desert them. If you can't handle the disorders or other issues then you need to move on. I have degenerative disk disease and could ultimately be paralyzed at some point and time in my life, but the guy I am with looks past that. He could have ran the other way, but he is still here.  Sometimes it takes a really strong person, but I believe love helps you to be even stronger. | |
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| How do you love someone with a Disorder
Posted: 11/2/2006 7:56:50 AM | | believe me, you could have invested all of your time into that relationship and it wouldn't have changed anything except your energy level.It's sad but people with these disorders abuse those around them so to be in a relationship with them is exhausting. don't blame yourself.it wouldn't have worked anyway. | |
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