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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Can "Friends with Benefits" turn into a Serious Relationship?      Home login  
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 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 26
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

How realistic is it for "friends with benefits" to actually become a serious relationship?


Don't get your hopes up, and don't pressure him into one of those "I want a relationship" talks.

Men are not complicated and we get used to things that are not complicated .. but women like to complicate things that work better uncomplicated.

Just have fun, keep your options open as it seems that you are here with a nice profile and photo ... and see what happens
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 27
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/26/2006 6:57:20 AM
Thanks for everyones' replies and comments.

I again spend another wonderful evening with this guy. Last night, we went to dinner, had great conversations with lots of laughs, then to Salsa dance lessons, and then finally spend the night with him, cuddling and of course, great sex. It was in one word....AWESOME!

I really do want to have something long-term, and until I know 110% that he wants one to, I am keeping my options open to the possibility of meeting someone else, and that is why I still have my profile on here. Of course, he has no idea that I'm on POF since we met at a dance club through a mutual friend.

I'm trying to just enjoy my time with him, and just be myself, and hopefully, he'll realize that he wants to be with me!
 b1965w
Joined: 8/2/2006
Msg: 28
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/26/2006 9:02:02 AM
"I should add that besides having fantastic sex, we have a lot of great conversations, and we truly enjoy each other's company. We have shared lot of laughs, and always there to help each other out when the other needs it."

My opinion is that you are in a relationship...the depth of the relationship to be determined later. Some people say they are afraid of a relationship, but don't realize that everyone you "meet" is a relationship...just varying degrees of one.
I think that he is comfortable with you because you are not pressuring him, but hopefully just by being around he can realize what he has.
I say...if you enjoy each other's company, laugh and help out each other...you are not wasting your time.
Just my opinion, though.
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 29
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/26/2006 9:18:00 AM
Thanks b1965w for your reply. I am not pressuring him. I'm just enjoying my time with him, and I hope that things do work out and he realizes what he has. Time will only tell. I do know that compare to a month ago, we are getting closer.
 anenigma
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/28/2006 1:17:32 PM
My opinion, for what it's worth...when a man tells you.."I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I have committment issues" or "I'm not looking for anything serious"...whatever the exact phrase indicating he's NOT looking for a long term thing...you should BELIEVE him. Period.

Yes, you are in a relationship, but it's one that is NOT committed. I don't think a talk will help. He told you before, am I right? (I didn't read every post).

I may be jaded in my opinion of the goals of some men, I may be cynical at times. BUT I think this guy has no reason to commit to you. He's getting sex without any strings. Sure you two get along, spend time together, BUT I think if his feelings were deeper, he'd have a hard time with the fact that YOU are otherwise available to other guys. THAT you AREN'T his girl.

What is happening is your friendship is deepening. But that doesn't mean it's leading to an exclusive relationship. I think it can happen, a FWB can turn into a LTR committed relationship, but it's rare. The exception rather than the rule.

I know you said you are keeping your options open, but if you're spending more time with him, getting closer to HIM, are you really making yourself available to other men? I'll bet your heart is with him, and therefore your really not open to anyone else.

Just be careful. I wouldn't put much stock in the 'what if's' here. If you're OK with the FWB thing...fine...but if you really want a LTR, start putting your efforts elsewhere, to someone who isn't satisfied with the FWB thing. Someone who clearly wants more. You could end up hurt and wasting time if FWB isn't what you really want!

Good luck
 scp
Joined: 8/21/2006
Msg: 31
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/28/2006 11:05:13 PM
Sorry for the length, I hate long posts too so I did my best to keep it short.

Since this sounds far too familiar and from somebody who has ended up in this situation more than once, I am going to give my male opinion on what is happening. If he is in the same frame of mind as me this is where his head is at.

He has "commitment issues" because he is looking for the one, and at one point or another he has realized that you are not it. Now, I personally believe that very few people are lucky enough to actually find "the one", but what they end up finding is somebody that is "almost" the one. Somebody that they are compatible with, have all the great things a relationship with "the one" has, except for "the connection" that exists only between perfect soul mates. Now because "the connection" is missing, this is where the so called "commitment issues" come in. In my experiences, I enjoyed the persons company, I was attracted to them physically, mentally, and intellectually, and I enjoyed doing all the things that a "couple" would normally do, but for some reason, I knew they were not the one so I would not commit incase something closer to "the one" came along. Now before you start to think I am a complete ars hole, why did I hold on to these girls and lead them along as so called FWB? Because I doubted the decision I made. I would think to myself "what if they are the one, and I just haven't realized it?", "How do I know if they are the one or not?", "maybe in time I will realize that they are the one". People say, that when you meet "the one", there are no signs or things to look for, you just know that they are "the one". After these experiences I completely believe this. And its because I believe this that I no longer get stuck in situations like the one this guys is in, and I no longer feel like I am leading these girls down the garden path. I have to believe that when I meet "the one" for me, their will be no questions or doubts. As for getting closer with him as time goes on; this is only natural for any realtionship, neighbour, employer, friend, or partner.

Now are you letting this guy "have his cake and eat it too" by sleeping together??? Not at all, but you may need to stop this for your own sake. Sex is not a reward for being a "good boy", or because he admits to being in a "relationship". Having a sex drive is one of humans most primitave instincts, and you are BOTH (not just him) fullfilling or satisfying that desire. But if you are having sex with him; thinking it will help get him to realize he should be in a relationship with you, then you need to walk away now, because you are very very wrong!

This was all really soap box'y, so I'll get off it now. Best of luck in however you decide to handle it.
 Who Knows_28
Joined: 8/29/2006
Msg: 32
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/29/2006 1:33:46 AM
HELLO...being a 'friend with benefits' means just that...if you are with a guy..and thats the understanding..right off the bat, he loses respect for you...this is why these situations never work out. If ya wanna man to be committed, dont start off as fwb.
 kristi199
Joined: 5/15/2006
Msg: 33
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:41:08 AM
I have had experience with the "friends with benefits" and I have learned not get your heart set on hooking up with the person because sometimes it just doesnt work. And maybe you should say something to him... because you are going to be the one thats going to get hurt in the long run if you keep it to yourself. But it does sound that you guys are pretty much together.. Good luck and talk to him. If he runs away becuase you said something to him its his lost.
 The Black Knight
Joined: 1/13/2005
Msg: 34
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:58:17 AM
Anything is possible......but for the most part don't expect something to transpire....

Is there truly a friends with benefits where no one gets hurt.....I think when two people become involved in sex the intimate emotions also begin to sizzle. The majority of the time it is with the woman because that is just how she is created. if she was created like a man then you would see alot more male gigilos for women, alot more porn catered to women and the like. Instead there are more romantic novels designed for women because that is what really turns her on.

My guess is this guy is not going to change his feelings....he is just waiting for something else to come along and you will be left torn because of it. It is obvious that you are falling for him. I'd say you should back off for awhile and date some other people.
 rubyred6301
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 35
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/29/2006 9:59:35 AM
First thought that comes to mind ... Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

I agree with this. The main question is are other women involved? Have you asked him and how would you handle it if he said yes? If he is seeing no one but you I think there is a chance but you need to find out, if you fall in love with your FWB it can lead to nothing but heart break
 WolfBlassRed
Joined: 8/5/2006
Msg: 36
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/29/2006 1:25:41 PM
Ok I am really confused. You really like the guy, you have great times together on a regular basis (every week) and you have fantastic sex.
BUT, you are keeping your profile on here looking for a long term relationship - how an earth do you expect to find someone when you are telling the world that you have this FWB and expect someone to look at you for a long term thing?
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 37
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/30/2006 5:53:53 AM
Misty62......I know...I was thinking the same thing before I decided to post this thread. I really do want something long-term & committed, and being FWB is not really what I want. If I knew 100% that he wanted something serious with me, I would not have a profile on here, but this is not the case, so I keep my profile on here to keep my options open. I know it probably does not look good! But my intentions are good.
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 38
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/30/2006 6:09:26 AM
who knows_28......we did not start off as FWB. We met through a mutual friend at a dance club, and right away, there was chemistry between the 2 of us. We dated for 2 months before he broke it off with me. He told me that he liked me so much that he got scared! He is scared of committment. After about a month later (early August), I was the one that suggested the FWB and he pretty much jumped at my suggestion. However, sometime early this month (October), I noticed that we have become closer, and I think that JUST maybe his feelings have grown to the point that he might actually view me as his girlfriend...though he has never actually said this.
 Puppy_Love
Joined: 11/3/2004
Msg: 39
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:26:01 AM

SPANISHTULIP: I really do want to have something long-term, and until I know 110% that he wants one to, I am keeping my options open to the possibility of meeting someone else, and that is why I still have my profile on here.


Often when women are having sex with a man, it destroys the women's ability to date good men. The women are really not available because they have a fall back plan, they do not give the men they are dating sufficient attention and will drive away good men. The women lacks enthusiasm to date the men - it shows. The only men who will pursue such a woman is a man only interested in sexual conquest.

Suppose you meet an ideal man and things get serious and you decide to conceal your sexual history. Somehow the man finds out about and perceives it as a lie. He does not know what other lies you told, so the lie destroys the relationship. Is it worth it?

I've been burned by women who were playing the field. Now I look for signs early in a relationship...unavailability on the weekend, a lack of enthusiasm to return calls, lack of enthusiams to get together, lack of sexual availability, lies, etc. I'll have sex with women who do these things, but I could never trust such a women enough to marry them. I am one of the men who is not commitment shy - I was married for six years.

Best wishes in finding what you want.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 40
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:27:31 AM

Ok I am really confused. You really like the guy, you have great times together on a regular basis (every week) and you have fantastic sex.
BUT, you are keeping your profile on here looking for a long term relationship - how an earth do you expect to find someone when you are telling the world that you have this FWB and expect someone to look at you for a long term thing?

Misty isn't the only one who is confused.

This might generate some negative responses, but here's my frank look this scenario.

1. I'm not sure you know what you are looking for, Tulip. You're on a dating site saying you have a loving FWB situation and you are also seeking a long-term relationship. Ask yourself what you truly value, sex or a relationship; decide and proceed.

2. Tulip, you should be talking about this with your boyfriend (I'm calling him that because that's how I define what you are currently doing with this guy). Reconcile your feelings about him and your relationship with him, not us. Communication is key with any substantial meaningful relationship. Work this thing out with him, not us. I wouldn't know what to say to you about how to work out a FWB, that is a scenario I've never been in, and it seems like a paradox. But it seems to me this relationship is something to which you have assigned meaning.

3. I don't understand the getting the milk from the cow for free stuff. She's milking him just as much. Without the discussion of the future of the relationship, it's just a bogus assessment of what each person is getting from the scenario. FWB means both people like the sex, right? Please tell me if I at least have that one correct.

4. Change your profile to not say long-term. I can't see how you can be on a dating site with a boyfriend having great sex and not put that info explicitly on your profile. What are you doing, looking to trade up? Have multiple sex partners? Or do you really value a long-term relationship, and are just hedging your bets?


Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?

Sure, with proper communication I think any two people can turn a sex-based relationship into something more substantial and meaningful. Have a positive attitude, talk about things, work them out, don't go crazy if your partner says something that bothers you, you might be able to work things out with a bit of time. If it doesn't work out, and you really value long-term relationships, it's probable that the FWB will end and you will be able to invest your emotions with someone else who is more likely to reciprocate their emotions to you.

Good luck Spanish Tulip!
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 41
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/9/2006 6:04:15 AM
We are now planning a vacation down south, sometime in January 2007. I am having mixed emotions. I should be happy that I will be spending a lot of time with someone I have strong feelings for, but at the same time, I am sad because I do not know for certain how he feels about me, and our "non-labelled" relationship.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 42
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/9/2006 8:03:17 AM
Tulip, how about sharing your feelings with your boyfriend? Talk to him and get your relationship "labelled" for your own peace of mind. Communication is key, you really should be talking things out with him. Don't you want to have a sense of where your relationship is going? I certainly would.
 heavenscent12345
Joined: 6/27/2006
Msg: 43
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/9/2006 2:23:19 PM
The question is: Do YOU want more from the relationship? 6 months is long enough for the guy to decide if he has deeper feelings for you or not. If you are starting to feel the pain of a FWB relationship that you want to turn into more, then get up your nerve and ask him if he wants to be your boyfriend. If he won't do it, I'm sad to say you might as well cut your losses. This one isn't that into you. Go find somebody who is.
 Goodhearted Man
Joined: 9/16/2006
Msg: 44
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/12/2006 12:05:42 AM
Serendipity, I feel sorry for ya, I really do, and I think that guy had a lot of nerve suggesting that you meet his girlfriend:( it is very hard to get over something like that, I know it may seem hard to do so now but remember "no man or woman is worth your tears and the one who is would not make you cry in the first place"
 crazychristy266
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 45
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/12/2006 12:51:00 AM
it could happen, but just dont get ur hopes up. i hate falling into this category with someone because u can get hurt. but it happens. why is it that the one u cant tie down is the one thats so darn attractive lol
 neoj88
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 46
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:23:15 AM
Friends with benefits is just another term for dating with sex involved. It can definately progress into something more.
 SthrnButtrfly
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/12/2006 6:06:48 AM
[ Sure, with proper communication I think any two people can turn a sex-based relationship into something more substantial and meaningful. Have a positive attitude, talk about things, work them out, don't go crazy if your partner says something that bothers you, you might be able to work things out with a bit of time. If it doesn't work out, and you really value long-term relationships, it's probable that the FWB will end and you will be able to invest your emotions with someone else who is more likely to reciprocate their emotions to you. ]

Thanks bike man~~
 SpanishTulip
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 48
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/13/2006 9:02:05 AM
Bike Man,

I know I should communicate my feelings to this guy, but I'm afraid about what I will hear. It just that we have been having such a good time together that I just want to enjoy it for what it is worth.

I do know that I'm on his Christmas list... if that counts for anything?
 Internetdatingpariah
Joined: 10/17/2004
Msg: 49
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/13/2006 9:07:04 AM
Two threads on the same subject?
gee.....

By the OP:



Okay...I thought I write an update. It has now been quite a few months since I found out information about the guy I was seeing. At that time, I was told that there is a woman in his building that he slept with, and that they still remain very good friends. I suspected then that there was something going on, but I decided to believe the guy I was seeing when he told me that he never slept with her, and that nothing ever went on between them. Well we went out for a couple of months, and he ended the relationship at the end of June because he told me he liked me so much, that he got scared, and he decided to end things for fear of committment. Well, during the summer I did find out that he was sleeping with the woman in his building just prior to us meeting and dating, and soon after he broke up with me, he slept with her again. I was hurt because all along I believed him when he told me that he never slept with her.

I found out over a month after we broke up, and just when we started seeing each other again, but as friends with benefits. This woman got so upset when she realized that I was still in this guy's life, and this is when I realized that there must have been something more than just friendship between the guy I was seeing and this woman in his building. I was right, and he finally admitted that he slept with her. He told me that he slept with her because it was convenient, and that he felt sorry for her. Since he was not into commitment, it seemed like the perfect solution for him. She is much older (46 years old). He's 35. And she has 3 kids. And he always made it clear to her that nothing will ever come out of this.

Well, to make a long story short, he no longers talks to the woman in his building because she became crazy when she realized that we were seeing each other again. She assumed that when he broke up with me in the end of June that he was going to be with her ONLY, and make a committment to her. And that was far from the truth.

We are seeing each other now, and though we started again back in August as just "friends with benefits", it feels like we have gotten closer over the last 3 months. Sometimes it feels so nice & real but other times, I'm confused because deep down inside, I want a loving, long-term relationship! But I know that he has issues with commitment, so I'm not really sure how this relationship will turn out in the end.


Again...What the hell are you thinking?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 50
view profile
History
Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?
Posted: 11/13/2006 10:15:28 AM
I skimmed thru thi thread and what I'm about to say doesn't seem to have been brought up;

People who managed to turn a FWB situation into a longlasting and healthy relationship probably ARE NOT going to be on PoF, reading the forums and posting to them! Jeez, ain't that one for the "Duh!" patrol??

I tip my hat( or would if I was wearing one) to some of our members who ARE in relationships and are here for friendships,forums and fun( now there's 3 Fs for ya) but this IS primarily a dating site,after all.

Hey, maybe we need to get people who have found serious LTRs( I mean those that have gone on for YEARS not weeks or months) to form a council of elders to give insight to this type of issue?

My suggestion would be, that if you enjoy the guys company and are comfortable with the situation, keep seeing him but DON'T get your hopes up, and DO keep looking for the one who IS right for you. Some have mentioned that being in a FWB situation could interfere with the process of finding what you truly want, and there's a good deal of truth in that.

So back to the original question;

Can Friends with Benefits turn into a Serious Relationship?

Who knows??? I would be inclined to think that those who could give favorable firsthand testimony probably AREN'T here!
Cindy O
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