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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:37:44 AM | Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
In our youth, Mother Nature conspires to lure us to reproduce. Attractiveness, not fussiness, is an asset.
In middle age and older, fussiness is our defense against what we endured in youth. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:58:48 AM | Well said, uncle_enrico.
I am new here, and am really enjoying the various forum threads. Not sure if I can add any other great insights to this question, but here goes. I have never been married, but have had some relationships that didn't work out for a variety of reasons. Looking back, they were definitely NOT meant to work out.
So, I am now sort of redefining what I want in terms of a "relationship". As noted on another thread, "long-term" can be interpreted many ways. For me, I'd welcome something long-term that doesn't necessarily include marriage. I'd be hard to live with, anyway!  It would be great to be with a guy for movies, dinners out (and in), sports events, etc. And, it would be equally great for both of us not to be dependent upon each other, but definitely to be there for the good and the bad.
So, that's my idea of a relationship at my old age of 45! | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:28:52 AM | Two miles? Sounds like a plan to me!  Please, not next door...
Seriously, that's a really good question (and thanks for the compliment.) I confess that I hadn't really thought about the ideal distance. I guess I need to find the right guy first...then, see what happens!
At any rate, I don't think relationships are very difficult to find in middle age. Again, I think one's definition of a "relationship" dictates the relative difficulty or lack of it. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:55:26 AM | Right on zeeba. I figure what you really need is a good stable circle of friends to build a life with. That would likely lead to an eventual serious relationship, but perhaps not if you don't really want to become focussed on a single significant other and all the constraints that puts on to life.
No doubt about it, there are lots of relationships out there if you are open to them. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:28:16 AM | Why is it so hard? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. And I have no clue, no clue at all. It seems like a lot of people, either online or in real life, can't really be bothered to put any kind of energy in getting to know someone. It can be very one sided and that's difficult.
A lot of us have gone through relationships, marriage(s), children. Some of us have gone to hell and back. So now we find ourselves at our age and really, don't want to jump through hoops, make sacrifices, or devote the time it takes to meet someone and build a relationship. It's like nope, can't be bothered really. I mean, look at all the number of threads on why can't he/she respond, or be nice, or truthful, etc...
As for me, I doubt I'll ever get a relationship in the conventional/mainstream sense of the way. Right now I don't want to get married, or live with someone. It may change if I meet a person I feel a strong connection with but it's not a goal for me. I'm happy on my own. But it doesn't mean I don't get lonely and wish for a partner. But I want it to be a two-way street, not just a one-sided relationship. I'm still hopeful though
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:44:03 AM | From what I see around me, once people get over the split, they rebuild life to a functioning and comfortable level, even if it lacks completeness. Once they get there, and the longer they have been there, they are reluctant to disturb their tranquility and refocus their lives back into the one on one mould. If you get set up with a network that is stable and socially satisfying and manageable, then comes along a person that would basically cause you to drift from the network and focus on mutually shared plans, the quest arises as to whether its worth the trouble. In a lot of cases I have seen, the answer that comes out is not really, and things go nowhere.
If you are not driven by the reproductive force, as we older types are not, then the variety, spontaneity and stability of a wider social network is a lot more interesting than the usual path of the one on one scene, at least in my own experience. True, that deep ache in the heart may not be quenched, but on average life is filled with more diverse and interesting social events. | |
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Joined: 3/7/2008
Msg: 484 | |
| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 2:48:15 PM | | With my situation, I tend to look more for a relationship where I do not want to change a woman's personality and also respectfully want to find a woman that is not looking to change mine. Given that, maybe it is that I am not as patient with a woman's quirks as I would have been when I was younger, surely she thinks the same way...So I remain single at this point.....Given that...Heheee...Maybe I am just becoming an Old Fart? | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 3:09:29 PM | That's an interesting observation -- no, I don't think you are becoming an Old Fart (!) If so, I guess I am as well! One of the best things I found about getting in my 40s is that I finally became more self-confident and sure about my wants, emotions, and desires. I think that happens to both genders. We sort of cut to the proverbial chase.
Does it mean that relationships in middle age are doomed? I certainly hope not. But, I certainly am less tolerant of some behaviors.
BTW, I just re-entered dating after years of feeling not terribly confident, and at the beginning of 2007 I shaped up my bod, my wardrobe, and my attitude. So, I speak from the perspective of being new again at this dating scene. Whew! | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:48:39 PM | I know at my age of 58 now, I'm looking for someone I can be comfortable with, have fun with and enjoy living just a normal daily life with. Sure, that will include some fun times of going out and doing things but it would also include just ordinary things like going grocery shopping together or doing things around the house.
The other day I saw this middle aged couple going around the garden shop and picking out flowers for their garden and then loading them into their car and I could imagine the rest of their day..........going home, planting the flowers, cleaning up, then sitting out on their patio barbecuing and enjoying their new garden......relaxing in a jacuzzi after dinner............laughing, loving.......
In my younger years it was all about sex and our jobs and then the family and kids. There's a familiarity of years together.........knowing each other even if you aren't happy with each other.
Then suddenly to be single.........you are used to the familiarity and the closeness being there and it's hard to feel any of that with a stranger. And as someone said above, it does take some energy and motivation to get to know someone else so those feelings of closeness and familiarity can be there again.....
Also I think that finding a relationship in middle age demands that we see attraction as more then just physical looks ......... That we realize that as we get to know and like and love someone, they become attractive to us........... Some people never stop looking for that instant attraction that happened when we were young and I think it happens differently when you are older........JMO | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/12/2008 12:41:48 PM | I think it is interesting that so many people would, if they were to chop their leg with an axe, would rush to the hospital to get stitches, though with a little common sense, and care, with time it would have healed. However, after a bad breakup, death, divorce, they refuse to seek help to heal their mind, even though, in spite of time passing, they may never heal properly. If more people were to seek counseling after a major emotional trauma, we'd all be better off. There is a reason why the Railroads send employees for counseling after a major wreck, or a train hitting someone. People wouldn't continue to train as psychologists, psychiatrists, if there weren't a need for them. It can be a great shortcut to dispense with baggage, and reveal what mistakes you've made in the past, and how to prevent repeating them. As one poster has already mentioned, if you are having a problem finding someone, maybe it is not them, maybe it's you. This is something one never wants to hear, or have to acknowledge, but sometimes a little professional help can work wonders, and even if you don't find the ideal relationship immediately, you will be much happier with your own company., and more open to the right person when they do come along.
As to settling for someone you don't find attractive, I think that is as bigger recipe for disaster than wanting someone with chemistry. As has already been mentioned, and I do believe, attraction is not really a choice. You may be able to delude yourself into thinking someone actually became more attractive after time spent, but when things start to become difficult, those rose colored glasses may suddenly become clear again, and it will be "run, Forest, run!" | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/12/2008 1:02:02 PM | Its been my observation that the vast majority of those who do not have relationships are the ones that fend off all attempts to start one. They have their reasons. Mostly I think its an unwillingness to compromise in any way. Their lives are set up, organized and comfortable, and they don't want to be disturbed in any fundamental way.
If you have been through a divorce or two, then through the slow process of rebuilding a happy life from scratch, developing a new network of friends, and expanding into a new set of activities that you more or less enjoy, its just not that easy to chuck it all for a pretty (or handsome) face that comes along with the need to slacken or abandon all that work for benefits that may or may not materialize. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:10:22 PM |
rearguard2 :: face that comes along with the need to slacken or abandon all that work for benefits that may or may not materialize.
Well, if they think like that it makes me wonder if they have any sense of 'adventure' in their life. Every new chapter in the path of live should be seen as a 'adventure', enjoyed, even if it means eventually one needs to close that chapter in their lives and open up a new page.
I don't abandon anything/anyone in my life I try to integrate. If people step out of my life it is their choice & if they are really a bad apple I am quite happy for them to fall off the tree without me.
I am always up for new adventures. :) | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:55:03 PM | (Msg 487) As to settling for someone you don't find attractive, I think that is as bigger recipe for disaster than wanting someone with chemistry.
Absolutely! The initial attraction has to be there. It is nature's way of telling us with whom we have a good chance of being compatible. Chemistry is like a gut feeling or intuition. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/12/2008 7:25:43 PM | I disagreee w/ this premise- it's not so hard- & saying it is will just keep you from being w/ someone. If you truly feel good about yourself, you will attract people places & things into your life that are good & you will have oodles of relationships...& I'm not talking about settling either | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/12/2008 10:23:56 PM | Once , when we were younger ,, we found a mate . married , had a family , and settled into creating a good life for ourselves as best we could .
Now , we have suffered the losses , family , money , lifestyle , friends etc etc .
Many are trying to create a life for themselves again . This involves finding a home . keeping or finding a good source of income . Finding some sort of social life . Trying to regain however many years we wasted in the previous relationship .etc etc .
This all takes time , leaving little left to pursue relationships .
Hence they come to these sites living in fantasyland of what might have been .
Let's face it , who wants to go down the road of hardship again at this age ???
Might all sound good ,, live every day etc etc !!! but when living becomes a struggle , and every day is a battle to find some enjoyment , it certainly takes the sting out of the prospects of a happy relationship ....
And as one lady said ( she was in her 40's ) some time ago on a television interview ...
One never gets over their parents divorcing ....
I hope people come to their senses one day , and realise that this fantasy world of possessions , excitement , fast sex , and whatever else they can come up with to destroy the family ,, is just a load of croc .
I'm sure many people in our age bracket would love a good relationship ,, but I think the scarcity of finding one far overcomes the ability to create a good life for oneself living solo.
Life is simple .. you need food , clothing , shelter, and a good companion to share them with ....... isn't it sad that more and more people are finding the latter in the form of a dog or cat ,or similar .......... | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/13/2008 4:51:34 AM | I think it all depends on the type of relationship.
When people are young they choose someone they are attracted to and build a life together. As some people get older they want someone to join the life they have already made. The whole idea, what constitutes a relationship, has changed.
I was 43 and my partner 34 when I started my current relationship. We were both prepared to start a new life as opposed to one adding the other to theirs. That, I believe, is the problem today. That's why it's not only difficult but also why relationships don't last. The partner isn't really a partner. They're little more than a friend, a buddy, a pal.
One can partner with someone without losing what they have. My partner and I purchased a home together. Both signatures on the mortgage. We both owned the home. We were partners.
I had sold a home the previous year and deliberately waited to find a partner before I purchased another one because I wanted to make sure my partner liked the home, as well. I wanted them to be a partner in the true sense of the word, not a person I casually dated or occasionally shared activities with or a roommate who lived in my house.
I think the difficulty in finding a relationship is due to the type of relationship many seek today. They want commitment but not too much commitment. They don't want marriage or, in some cases, even a live-in relationship but they expect the other person to conduct themselves as one would if married/living together.
There aren't any specific guidelines because there is no specific name for the relationship some peopel seek. It's less than a marriage but more than a casual boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement. That's the impression I get from reading the forums and profiles and I believe that's why people are having difficulty. They can't say what they're looking for because there is no such standard relationship. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:29:53 AM | I have a difficult time finding a relationship for several reasons. I cannot relate to being divorced, since I have not been married, which makes me odd to many men. No children of my own to discuss, although I have taught many in my 20 plus years of teaching. Most of the men I have met who are my age and have not been married are seeking younger women, for they want to father a child. What ever happened to looking for the traits one might like in a person, not if they are divorced, of a certain appearance, can share "war" stories, or commesurate with "she/he made me file
bankruptcy, they had affairs but I still love them, we are divorced but we still have sex, etc."---- I am the "odd" person? | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:22:22 AM | There aren't any specific guidelines because there is no specific name for the relationship some people seek. It's less than a marriage but more than a casual boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement. That's the impression I get from reading the forums and profiles and I believe that's why people are having difficulty. They can't say what they're looking for because there is no such standard relationship.
I think Dave hit the nail on the head.
Not only are relationships less defined, some walk around wounded, dazed and confused. If you ask them what they want from a relationship, they don't even know.
That's why I think it's important to know what your own goals are first before you even contact another person. If I'm not grounded in myself, sure of what I want, it'll only result in hurting others. Why do that? | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/16/2008 3:19:04 PM | "It's not just being middle aged that causes it. I contend that most don't really mean it when they say seeking 'down to earth', 'nice', 'personality', 'good sense of humor', etc. etc. etc. People look at pics (doesn't matter that a lot are outdated and makes the person look younger)...and, if the attraction to the picture isn't there, it's a no go. IF folks are really honest, that is what's going on."
The above quote from RedGG is sooooo true. I can't begin to tell you the number of posts of men my age and older who specify those things in their profile (on various sites), but I come to find out that they're lying to themselves, as well as to profile viewers.
One man I was talking to online told me that when he's old and blind (he's near 60), he'll worry about finding a good woman. Until then, he has to look at her! He was honest enough to tell me that's he's looking for a Barbie clone in her mid-twenties. I wished him luck with his search. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/17/2008 2:57:05 PM | friendlyldy????
Awesome post!!!! I totally agree with what you said.
I know at my age of 58 now, I'm looking for someone I can be comfortable with, have fun with and enjoy living just a normal daily life with. Sure, that will include some fun times of going out and doing things but it would also include just ordinary things like going grocery shopping together or doing things around the house.
The other day I saw this middle aged couple going around the garden shop and picking out flowers for their garden and then loading them into their car and I could imagine the rest of their day..........going home, planting the flowers, cleaning up, then sitting out on their patio barbecuing and enjoying their new garden......relaxing in a jacuzzi after dinner............laughing, loving.......
In my younger years it was all about sex and our jobs and then the family and kids. There's a familiarity of years together.........knowing each other even if you aren't happy with each other.
Then suddenly to be single.........you are used to the familiarity and the closeness being there and it's hard to feel any of that with a stranger. And as someone said above, it does take some energy and motivation to get to know someone else so those feelings of closeness and familiarity can be there again.....
Also I think that finding a relationship in middle age demands that we see attraction as more then just physical looks ......... That we realize that as we get to know and like and love someone, they become attractive to us........... Some people never stop looking for that instant attraction that happened when we were young and I think it happens differently when you are older........JMO | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 4/17/2008 6:01:15 PM | | I sure wonder the same thing. I can't seem to get past the first meeting or else all the guys I seem to meet have issues and all of a sudden can't be with anyone because of them. I guess it's just me. I'm just me and not desperate at all. I just don't understand. | |
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