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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/31/2006 9:54:37 AM | One thing that made the Seinfeld series so popular was how closely it hits home at times.
And what was the constant theme of Jerry 's love life? He'd be with this fabulous girlfriend and everything is going along just great, then they'd go out to dinner and he'd see the way she ate peas, or she had anti-fungal cream in her medicine cabinet, or worse yet, she had man-hands  That was it, relationship over.
I think once we get past the age of believing we can change people into someone more to our liking, we then evolve into a Seinfeld almost looking for a reason to end it. Although I wouldn't have dumped Teri Hatcher, real or not, they were SPECTACULAR!  | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/31/2006 6:03:58 PM | ...aha another Seinfeld fan...loved that show. You do have a point kid, we do look to change someone to suit us. And in all honesty were not all that accepting of their faults whether it be eating habits or sleeping habits. Those of us that have been on our own for some time cannot always tolerate those "little annoying habits" .......
...maeflowers | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/31/2006 7:16:22 PM | Because dating in this age group, is like trying to find parking at WalMart.
By the time we show up, all the good parking is gone, and the only spaces left are either way at the other end of the parking lot, or handicapped.
Now when I say this, I don't mean physically handicapped, I mean mentally handicapped.
Bitter, avoidant, deceitful, wary, selfish, hypercritical, insenstive, picky, or just plain unable to make a commitment out of fear. If they were not some of these things, they would likely still be married, or remarried quickly. As we get older we are more set in our ways and less likely to change and/or compromise. Those are important skills in making a relationship work.
Sure, sometimes you can catch someone on their way out and if you hurry you can get that space.
The difference is, is that many of the people in our age group have lost hope, either through their divorce or the following relationships, and instead of leaning back and considering the issues that brought us to a break up, some just keep on dating and making the same mistakes, and rather than look inward and face themselves head on, they assume every person is essentially the same.
I often read the "gold digger" threads, or the "lying men" and the "unable to commit" threads where I see a lot of rash overgenerizations. Perhaps if we all relaxed and slowed down, we might see those red flags waving from a long way off, instead of jumping in head over heels and ignoring them when they are being stuck in our faces. | |
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zooom
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Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 56 | |
| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 10/31/2006 7:27:24 PM | | It's hard because the last relationship ended when their partner no longer put up with the BS. Now they can't find anyone new to put up with it, either. People who end relationships that way belong single. It's all working as it should. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/1/2006 10:47:03 PM | I'd like to throw a different thought into the mix and wait for either the feedback or the fallout! Of course this is only based on my experiences but that's all I have to go on.
Men my age were raised in times when their Mom stayed home and looked after the husband and kids. Her days were spent making sure they were all healthy and happy and she rarely gave much thought to what made her truly happy outside that. If they were happy then so was she.
Along came Women's Lib and the fact that if we want to have a life worth living women have to get out and work. Our horizons expanded and we started to see that our definition of happiness wasn't built soley on making our family happy. We actually began asking ourselves what made us happy and did so without feeliing fuilty or selfish anymore. We discovered it was quite alright to say "Yes, my own personal feeling count for something too!"
Unfortunately a lot (not all) men my age still want to live in the past. They like coming home to dinner on the table, a nice clean house and all the laundry done just like Dad did. Well those were different times and things were simplier then - mom knew what her role was and Dad did too. But all that stuff had to be tossed out the window to fit today's reality. I can understand why men would like it to be the way it once was but women these days aren't willing to accept that anymore. We can't be full-time employees AND full time wives, housekeepers, cooks and gardeners. There simply isn't enough of us to go round and we expect our men to pitch in and do their fair share without it being classified as a favor!
I dated a few guys and while they seemed to be able to manage quite fine on these fronts before I came along it didn't take much time at all for them to start relying on me to take care of these tasks while they watched the game or had the guys over for a few beer on the back deck. While it took a few serious discussions they finally did admit it was nice to have someone in their life again to take care of them. They honestly felt this was one of the ways I showed my "love" for them. Since men are full grown adults quite capable of taking care of themselves why should women need to do it as part of proving they love them?
There's a great book out there I think some men my age should read: "Your Wife is NOT your Mama." I am your peer and I'm not here to look after you I'm here to SHARE life with you in every respect. I'm looking for a partner not a dependent. And I sure as heck don't want to be thought of us someone to pick up where Mama left off but with the added benefit of supplying sex and a good income too! | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 12:55:06 AM | i'm not sure it's much harder now than it was before. the issues, however, are different. as a woman in her 50's i find younger men are easier to get along with and have a lot more energy and curiosity about life in general, but i hesitate to get serious (beyond a 5 years or so difference) in that i worry that we wouldn't have sufficient history together to weather through my entering my 60's and 70's with a younger man trailing behind... or maybe i'd be the one trailing behind at that point!
i recently ended my first "relationship" since my divorce or rather he ended it. this man was my age and his issues with me were quite shocking and confusing to me. i have my life pretty together, but i do have a teen living with me, i have pets and i've just bought a new house near the beach. this wonderful man in my life suddenly took a giant leap out of what seemed on the surface to be a passionate relationship (where we talked about many personal things and shared many emotional, humorous and fun-filled moments) and SUDDENLY out of the clear blue, seemed to have problems with all of this ,,,,wondering how we could "ever' live together. we had never even talked about living together! he had a house for a very long time, of which he occupies only three rooms plus bathroom, he has yet to fix it up and i doubt that another person could even find space on the dresser were she to be "The one".
what it all boils down to is that no one person is going to just squeeze themselves into another person's life at this age. there has to be time and space for the other person, the wllingness to love him/her for who s/he is and not what can be done for you. the ability to share activities (for us it was cooking for each other, dancing and jazz and for me it still is that, adding now the walks on the beach at nite given my new home)... but also to be able to be there for the new person in your life during the occasional bad times or times of stress or change. and, to be able to laugh and talk and walk around holding hands w/o having to say or do anything at all. not live his or her life for him/her but provide support and encouragement and share. also to listen to what s/he needs and not what you want to shove down their throats or what you arrogantly deem that s/he needs w/o even asking for agreement.
i suppose the other aspect i was naive about is finding out up front if the person you are selecting for a "tryout" is even capable of true intimacy, has a history of intimacy problems, and last but not least has bided his time on the internet as a substitute for a three dimensional woman who thinks, feels and questions. i wonder about myself as to why i didnt' see all this coming. but to be kind to myself, this is a different world. less romantic, more pornograhpic, less dedicated, less committed. so, i think for me, my next man will probably crop up when i least expect him. perhaps in the course of living life and maybe with something so much in common that we spend sufficient time getting to know each other before either of us LEAPS into assumptions and expectations.
they say that AFTER the passion comes the bonding stage. well, i guess i am going to have to have a little look-see into that stage before the passion this next time around! duh for me. but i learn from my mistakes. | |
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zooom
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Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 59 | |
| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 2:56:51 AM | Where there are theories blaming the opposite sex or the world at large, that's how that person spent their romance time. It's normal to want some way to understand what happens but really it is better to understand what we do. So if you love someone then don't, that's all the explanation you need. You started loving them one day, did that for a while, then you stopped at some point. It has nothing at all to do with how the world is, or how men and women are generally, or dating or romance. It's what you did in that case with that one person.
You can walk through the forest endlessly searching for lumber but until you chop down a tree and saw boards you'll find none, despite being surrounded by wood. That is more apt the more I think about it, come to think of it.
Every person is a potential relationship. Just start relating. If they are not to your liking, it means you don't like them. If they don't like you, same difference. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 7:33:33 AM |
I am your peer and I'm not here to look after you I'm here to SHARE life with you in every respect. I'm looking for a partner not a dependent. And I sure as heck don't want to be thought of us someone to pick up where Mama left off but with the added benefit of supplying sex and a good income too!
Well said. I have come across the kind of mentality you describe many times in the men in my age group. Many of them expect to be "looked after" - the house cleaned, laundry done, cooking 3 meals a day, shirts ironed, pants pressed, etc. etc. On weekends you get to have a break by cleaning the windows. All this, while they are sitting on the couch watching sports or out playing golf or fraternizing with their friends. Then they expect you to be all sexy at bedtime - when you have no energy left. Hey, guys, I ain't yo' mama!!! I've been there - done all that - my children no longer live at home, why would I want another dependant? If a man still wants all those homey things done - hire a housekeeper - as I have to be at work bringing in my own money so you can't accuse me of being a lazy golddigger. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 8:33:37 AM |
You know what you;'ll find. the knight will have a lame horse and the hot little chick is going to have three or four kids hanging on to her. Then where will you be. Still looking.
So send me that knight with the lame horse already! I'm great with stuff like that!
Cindy O | |
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klnu
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Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 63 | |
| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 11:19:03 AM | Middle age....ahhhh is that what WEEE are???? I don't feel that way at all. Hormones slowing...down...OMG....Not meee I feel like I am in my prime!!!
You are as old as you feel and lazy ...yes that might be what is wrong...get out there and enjoy life.
K | |
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merc68
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Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 64 | |
| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 11:47:48 AM | Im a believer that at this point in our lives we have expectations that cant be met, we want our prince charming, our queen but we dont want the baggage that comes with a person of our age. we want what it was like in high school, everything new, fresh. the whole life to look forward.
The reality is that we all have baggage. past relationships good and bad, kids. we have our guard up, we wont let anyone hurt us, we have 3 levels of mistrust and take each new person with so much caution that its hard to truly meet a new person, its the few bad apples that ruin it for all.
We have entered a comfort with our lives, we have our houses, are kids are gone or almost gone, our jobs/careers are good and we reached a good place in our lives and deep down we may be lonely and want another in our lives , we dont want what we have and where we are to be disrupted or ruined.
Just my .02 worth | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 3:50:06 PM | | disrupted or ruined? merc68, i figure it's like this. in business, some people like having sole proprietorships, others prefer partnerships. both forms of business have potential for loss and potential for gain. i would prefer a partnership, but as in business, i have to go for one where we each end up with 200 percent--owned and operated jointly... job descriptions agreed upon beforehand, as well as distribution of profits. and as in business, typically one person is better at some things and the other person is better at some things. so, i guess i'll have to think up what business i am in, eh? | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 4:31:08 PM | One of the reason that it is so hard to find a relationship in middle age is because so many people judge others by what they have made have experienced in their past experiences, without judging the new person for their own character.
"we all have baggage. past relationships good and bad, kids" --- is a prime example of how most people think. I have no kids, no family, am a widow from a good marriage = no baggage. What do I find with people I meet. Distrust because their ex cheated, distrust because of their divorce issues, problems of guilt with their families which if I would let it would become my problem. Thanks but no thanks. I live in a trouble free zone. I don't want others issues. When I meet someone who has either worked through their issues, or like me didn't have them in the first place, then I will have a chance of having a relationship. | |
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FN604
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Joined: 10/15/2006
Msg: 67 | |
| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 4:49:41 PM | | I have guys that flirt with me, or just want an intimate encounter, or friends w/benefits but not the dating thing. I think any guy probably wants to have a future children but with a younger female ...or they would be looking for a bigger better deal...even when I was in my thirties kinda was the same...i have been more selective when i was in my 30s and now still because i have been thru those unhealty relationships or/picking bad guyz...or guyz that cannot committ...i have been more married to my work n school...its all gd so far...look it this way i much prefer not live my life a lie and pretend i love the person and my heart is not in it! | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 5:59:14 PM | Sistermary is right on the money....I've found that men want you to be an excellent cook, take care of them physically and sexually, and make $100,000 a year, all without leaving the bedroom......so unrealistic....people our age should know better.
And then, there is the "demographics thing..." and that's even more intense for African-American women, who literally do have a greater chance of being hit by a car than finding a suitable partner.
So, it really is important to live one's life so that if you are never "partnered" again, you will still have lived a wonderful, fufilled existence. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 8:12:58 PM | Besides the statistics, pickiness, living solo, and waiting for the "right one to come along", is it any wonder that some people find it very difficult to even think about relationships?
I mean, this is my first venture into POF and a forum, but it's taken me "lurking" for a bit, to get up enough nerve to even post something. How am I supposed to even start sending emails to men I don't even know? When I was younger, it seemed so much easier to strike up a conversation with a stranger, find some common interests, and if there was an attraction, voila! a relationship was formed. But today.....I have many close friends that I can converse with, go the functions with, and share my life with...it's hard to find new people to make friends with. Most of the men I'm attracted to are already in a relationship. Or they want a second relationship....and I'm not prepared to be "seconds"...or they just want a "casual" relationship...no strings, or attachments. Guess I'll keep checking out this site, and see what I can find.....after all, it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks!! | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 8:48:36 PM | | i am 56yrs.old,and to me it seems like with all the contracepts that are out there,that the women would be overjoyed to give it up,but nay nay.i guess its in there genes.and what a pity,because sex is the most wonderfull thing that two people can share.it seems that the younger women are not looking for sex,and the older women want younger men.so it goes. | |
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zooom
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Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 72 | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 9:05:36 PM | "They're just shy about getting naked"
No, we aren't shy, we are just picky about who we get naked with. Not looking for someone younger. Just want someone our own age, who realized that intimacy is too important to ruin it by having sex with just anyone. It's the old, we have self respect, so we want to be with someone who has self respect. | |
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| Why is it so hard to find a relationship when one is middle aged?
Posted: 11/2/2006 9:35:41 PM | Why is it so hard to find a relationship?
What I think is happening in our generation is that women want relationships and men don't. Men just want sex.
Men play the "relationship game" wooing a woman until she has sex with him. If she doesn't agree to sex, he dumps her. If she does agree and after awhile wants to take it to the committed relationship level...the man dumps her because he knows his "relationship game" will convince the next woman to have sex with him. And, he repeats the cycle.
Are women giving "IT" up too easily? Makes ya wonder, doesn't it?
My Dad always said....Why buy the cow? I'm thinking he was right...afterall he was a man and he would know. And I also wonder if men would like their own Mother's to be treated with so little respect from men!
Muskoka  | |
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zooom
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Joined: 10/27/2006
Msg: 75 | |
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