| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 1:53:33 PM | Honestly, I considered dating someone who had genital herpes. I researched the issues, and read more than I care to remember, and though she was an interesting person and we had a lot of chemistry between us, I had to respectfully say no. I could not. I was in my early 30s, and I simply couldn't take the risk.
I have never regretted my decision. The people who pooh-pooh the risks and impact of having HSV2 or a genital spread of HSV1 are fooling themselves. It's a disease that doesn't go away. If you get it, and it's not at all unlikely that you will, and the relationship dissolves, you will face it every time you think about taking someone home, every time you consider becoming romantically involved with someone and every time you feel that prickle in your loins that indicates the oncoming of a new outbreak.
It is NOT a disease to be taken lightly. And yes, as someone else already pointed out, only you can make this decision. If you have misgivings, then don't. Because you MUST be sure. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 5:13:58 PM | | I just want to say one more thing on this issue (not that anyone cares...). To all of you who are getting down on someone with herpes... do you ever get coldsores? HERPES! Many people have some form of it, whether you choose to acknowledge it, or not. It's quite prevalent. I think the issue here is not the disease, but the actions of the guy. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 5:22:40 PM |
I just want to say one more thing on this issue (not that anyone cares...). To all of you who are getting down on someone with herpes... do you ever get coldsores? HERPES! Many people have some form of it, whether you choose to acknowledge it, or not. It's quite prevalent. I think the issue here is not the disease, but the actions of the guy. - C_Stone
Coldsores are caused by HSV1. And yes, I'm aware of that. I'm not "down" on anyone, here. It's a very difficult disease to live with.
But when it's down south, it is different. You can catch HSV1 when someone goes down on you, but it's rare. If they have HSV2, and it's genital, that has an entirely different effect on me, and on my life.
The disease is one of the issues on the table, here. And pooh-poohing that concern doesn't help anything. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 5:50:03 PM | First of all, I'd question the validity of the fact that he 'got drunk and slept with the stripper'. Obviously since you trust him, he had to be drunk, right? And for some reason, it seems to be more 'ok' to sleep with the stripper while drunk than to actually have slept with someone he met otherwise, while you two were talking/together but not in the same town at the same time. That was pretty effing drunk, if you ask me....
I personally think you should reconsider the situation. Sounds like there's still some unresolved issues here. After all, he got this while he was 'in talks' with you.
Oh, and just a little FYI on the disease: The disease is usually spread IN BETWEEN outbreaks, when the disease 'sheds' in skin cells. Not when there are blisters, mainly because people know to stay away from someone with blisters. The blisters heal with no scar or any indication of a sore at all. When it is in the shedding stage, there is no sign, symptom or notice of when its going to happen or is happening.
Sign me,
Disease and drug free, and responsibly aware. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 5:56:04 PM | ~OP~ I really had little to know knowledge of Herpes until my very best friend told me that her husband of 17 years has always had the virus. To this day, she has not contacted it, and if it is dormant in her system, no blood test has picked it up as a positive anti-body. My point, people live with Herpes and have the same "normal" life I think I have. I had NO clue he was infected 20 years ago when they met. He told her, they spoke with medical personnel and she decided it was OK for her.
Only you know the dynamics of your relationship. Only you know how you feel about the virus. I suppose the only advice that I would take myself is to become educated on the subject in order to make an informed decision rather than just an emotional one. Best of luck to you.  | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 7:45:24 PM | Honestly, I considered dating someone who had genital herpes. I researched the issues, and read more than I care to remember, and though she was an interesting person and we had a lot of chemistry between us, I had to respectfully say no. I could not. I was in my early 30s, and I simply couldn't take the risk.
It is NOT a disease to be taken lightly.
So what exactly were you risking? How much would being with someone that had it change your everyday life or the relationship that you were going to have with that person?
One of my friends happens to have herpes- and it has not changed her life what so ever. Yes this is an STD that is not curable- Please tell me......if you had this STD-what do you think will happen to you-what would change? Would you loose your hair-would you loose a limb-would you loose your sight or hearing. C'mon now
She has not had a flair up in over 3 yrs. So living with it is just that! No signs-no symptoms. 1 out of 3 people have it and you wouldnt even know it! Thank god she is one of the honest people and would tell her partner before it got to that level.
| |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 9:15:56 PM | The thing about Herpes is that you can't predict how it is going to affect you.
Some people have one really bad initial outbreak and never have one again.
Some people have it for years and don't even realize they have it.
However, some people have really serious, painful outbreaks.
In some cases, women will have an outbreak with their period every month.
Your friend is one of the lucky ones! | |
|
| |
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 9:37:45 PM | Love is Love, I had a friend in a similar situation (exept it was a female and the result of a one night stand) and when she told the guy she had herpes he said he didn't care if she had two heads he still loved her, (they are now happily married) if your careful and its controlled with meds its all good, go with your heart! | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 9:56:35 PM | IF It was really the love of my life - YES. If It was just someone i was very attracted to ect - NO. So thats a catch 22 as I wouldnt get to find out If he was the love of my life under normal circumstances
My gf has this - cought it off some one night stand. People should really talk to people WITH IT ( and not one trying to date you  ) who think Its not much. She has to have days every couple of months of work as the blisters are so sore she simply CANNOT sit in the office chair.
It Is a very serious, painful disease - think people - Its red raw open weeping blisters that have to crust over and heal - breaking out All over your privates... those who think its no diff than a mouth cold sore should take the time to at least look up some websites.
Dating anyone with It takes SERIOUS consideration, and condoms DO NOT protect against ANY skin born STd .. ask your doctor.
Would I? Well NO, but your situation Is very different as you have this rel established In some ways, so only you can decide. But Id be seriously taking Into account If you feel this relationship will last for life. Otherwise you may ruin yours. AND PLEASE take the time to look up facts on the websites and speak to a doctor who knows ( sexual health clinic ect )
Good luck whatever you decide
| |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 10:00:36 PM |
In my mind, I'm thinking that if I accept his proposal, I'm going to have to go into it with the state of mind that I'm probably going to get herpes and that will have to be ok with me.
In a marriage, safe sex all the time is kind of unrealistic. We always had really good sex and being so careful and so worried all the time would really put a damper on things.
But I do love him and I know he loves me. Although some people are questioning his feelings due to his having sex with someone else, that doesn't bother me so much. I think it is unrealistic to expect someone to be celebate for such long periods of time, especially if they have high sex drive. I never asked him not to have sex with anyone and he never told me he wouldn't. And I wasn't exactly an angel myself!
If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with! LOL!
I'm sure that if we were together, neither of us would want to be with anyone else. One good thing about our relationship in the past, we have matching sex drives. That is kind of hard to find. Usually one person wants it more often than the other.
I'm starting to think I should follow my heart and stop thinking about it so much. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 10:09:16 PM | Sorry Latriga - I missed the proposal bit . .. well Id say yes then - gee youve known each other 9 years and this was something unfortunate that came along on a break along the way. But a marraige Is a LOT different than dating.
Follow your heart and you have the right attitude as you are accepting the high odds of catching It so you arnt going In refusing to see reality.
May you have a happy marraige  | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 10:09:23 PM | Then again, if I hang out here for long enough, some handsome, disease free guy could come along and sweep me off my feet! Maybe I just need some help to forget him and move on!
I guess I wouldn't be here if I wasn't a little bit open to letting someone else in my life.
My head is just all messed up! Do ya think it's the blonde hair??? | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/27/2006 10:32:39 PM | First of all, Latigra congrats on bring forth an issue that i know affects alot of people. With this post you bring to light an issue that aflicts many.
I ended a 6 year long "best freindship" with a woman who decided that telling a very close friend of ours that she had herpes, was a bad idea. Truth is. . . truth is good, it is real! as you stated, and most of us will acknowledge, it would be easy to lie about. He didn't. . .
Arming yourself with knowledge is the first step... deciding to live with it is the next. . . forgiving him for bringing this burden, and confusion into your life, and your son's is the next. . .
If you can do the above, who cares what others think? | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/28/2006 1:52:13 AM |
Then again, if I hang out here for long enough, some handsome, disease free guy could come along and sweep me off my feet! Maybe I just need some help to forget him and move on!
And there you have it. Throw that coin again... what answer are you really hoping you are going to get from us?
BTW have you been checked for herpes? He might have already given you it in which case you don't need to worry about catching it, at least... | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/28/2006 3:21:27 PM |
Targus--She has to have days every couple of months of work as the blisters are so sore she simply CANNOT sit in the office chair.
It Is a very serious, painful disease - think people - Its red raw open weeping blisters that have to crust over and heal - breaking out All over your privates... those who think its no diff than a mouth cold sore should take the time to at least look up some websites.
This is unfortunate that your friend has to deal with the bad end of the STD- but maybe she should read up on it- or get a doctor that might better understand this STD This however is preventable. She can take daily pills so that she doesn't even get an outbreak. Or when she feels one coming on you can take the same pills in a large dose so it doesn't even get to that point.
Believe me it was hard for my girlfriend to come to terms with having it but you know what- it really hasn't changed her life at all.
Good luck to you OP- Only you know in your heart what you want to do- No matter what anyone says here. True love is hard to find and if you and this guy have it then I see this STD is being nothing that should stand in your way!!! | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/28/2006 3:52:28 PM |
So what exactly were you risking? How much would being with someone that had it change your everyday life or the relationship that you were going to have with that person? - GvMeUrAttn
What exactly was I risking? I was risking acquiring a disease that would effect every relationship and sexual encounter I'll have with a woman from now until the day I die. I'd say that's risking something rather important to me, and since it's my life, if I determine that is important to me, then darling, it's important. And that's all there is to it.
Will this person actually be the last person you ever sleep with? You have no way of knowing that, even if you get married.
One of my friends happens to have herpes- and it has not changed her life what so ever. Yes this is an STD that is not curable- Please tell me......if you had this STD-what do you think will happen to you-what would change? Would you loose your hair-would you loose a limb-would you loose your sight or hearing. C'mon now - GvMeUrAttn
I've already lost my hair, so that's no big risk. But I hate it when people pooh-pooh the effects of an incurable STD on anyone's life.
It WILL affect my life. I don't want to that "the talk" with someone I'm thinking of having sex with. It is degrading, it hammers your ego like nothing I've ever seen and it directly affects the quality of my life.
And to be completely honest, while a lot of men apparently don't care about herpes or HPV (I have numerous female friends with stories of telling indifferent guys about their disease, and sex happened anyway), women by comparison tend to react very negatively to this sort of thing.
Which, frankly, is why a lot of guys don't tell them even if they have ever been tested or diagnosed, which is rare.
She has not had a flair up in over 3 yrs. So living with it is just that! No signs-no symptoms. 1 out of 3 people have it and you wouldnt even know it! Thank god she is one of the honest people and would tell her partner before it got to that level. - GvMeUrAttn
First of all, one out of three people do NOT have genital herpes. That is a lie, and unsupported by any statistics I've ever read from a reputable source.
Secondly, not having flair ups in that amount of time is extremely rare.
In my mind, I'm thinking that if I accept his proposal, I'm going to have to go into it with the state of mind that I'm probably going to get herpes and that will have to be ok with me. - Latigra
Well, you're certainly looking at it realistically, but I wouldn't be fatalistic about it, either. He should go to his doctor and find out about the different sorts of suppressives he can take on a regular basis that will keep asymptomatic shedding to a minimum, and minimize the risk.
In a marriage, safe sex all the time is kind of unrealistic. We always had really good sex and being so careful and so worried all the time would really put a damper on things. - Latigra
There is another option, however. There are two or three types of suppressors that can keep outbreaks at bay. He also needs to learn to recognize the physical signs that occur before an outbreak - for example, the tingling as the disease moves along nerve pathways to the site of the outbreak. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/28/2006 4:34:54 PM | We're speaking here of the "love of one's life", correct?
If indeed that's the case, and the HSV-2 is the only "major" concern, where's the problem? Educate yourself and marry the man. In all honesty, I haven't read the entire thread, but I suspect there's more going on here than meets the eye. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/28/2006 7:36:24 PM | OP: I have a beautiful girlfriend that in her twenties went out with this guy that gave her VD.....
Because she was a really nice decent sweet girl... it was quite a scandolous thing atthe time and because of it he married her.
They are still married today, even have a son....
... and she is the most unhappy woman. She won't leave him because of the disease. She has very low self esteem. They are both very very unhappy. She feels no one will want or have her because of the disease.
They both gave the marriage a really good try in the beginning but as time wore on the relatinship wore thin and emotions wore off.
They both want out... but stay together. They do not sleep together or with anyone for that matter.
The risks would be extremly high unless you wore a condom with this man every time for he rest of your life.
We all have loves from our past that are powerful and haunting ... but do you really want that for yourself......
Soul Search Girl.... you must go deep within yourself to find the answer to this one....
I'll pray for you... cause I'd hate to see you give of yourself and love and life so much.. to sacrifice yourself that much... for love... to end up regretting it for the rest of your life later..... | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/29/2006 6:40:05 PM | It basically comes down to if you are willing to risk the chance of you getting it.
You really have to ask yourself if this really does matter to you and change the way you feel about the man.
What I really would think hard about is the way that he got it. | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/30/2006 11:02:32 AM | Absolutely.
Or the way he says he got it.
But you seem to be content with his account and to feel that it really was okay that he felt free to sleep with someone else (I am discounting the drink aspect - after all, if it was 'just' a loss of self-control due to drink, that could happen any time you're apart, committed or not...)
Tough decisions...
How are you getting on with 'em? | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/30/2006 12:00:34 PM | This is a tough one. Like many have said....only YOU can decide for yourself what you will do. YOU are the one living the "relationship". I can only tell you what I would personally do if presented with the same situation. I know you have said you both have a high sex drive and that neither one of you said you didn't have to be "faithful" to one another. I personally however would have a problem with HOW my man contracted the genital herpes in the first place. If I were talking to a man who lived a great distance from me, had seen each other a few times and HAD that sexual encounter, and were talking about "marriage", I could not and would not sleep with another man regardless of how HIGH my sex drive was. I would be committed to him regardless of the miles between us, especially if he was "loving" me that unconditionally and making plans and going forward with them. IE> new house with room for my child. JMO, but I would have serious problems with the fact that he slept with another woman period. Being drunk is no excuse nor the fact of a high sex drive. JMO....I would worry about it happening again. Him being with his buddies, getting drunk and "falling" into bed with another woman. There are NO guarantees he would or would not do it again even if you do get married. JMO.
What ever YOU do decide you must be “content” with that decision and have NO regrets about making it. I do truly wish you well and if you decide to be with him…….I wish you nothing but happiness and a long life of that unconditional love.
Just my thoughts….CS | |
|
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/30/2006 12:08:55 PM | For the folks on here that have friends or loved ones w/ this condition (& previous posters are correct, MANY people have some form of the virus) get them to talk to their doctor about modern medications. Certain meds have show to reduce the severity & frequency down to 1-2 times a year! That can do a great deal towards making you feel like a 'normal' woman. Message 44...tell your GF this info, she doesn't have to live like a nun in prison.
I have a family member in this condition & she has shared alot of her knowledge on the subject....it's VERY surprising. Did you know that both types of HSV can transfer to the other type thru contact? Yep.
It's also a situation where, with the proper precautions, you can lead a very satisfying life w/ the right partner. So don't despair...everybody has something different about them, just learn how to intelligently deal with yours.  | |
|
| |
| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/31/2006 6:29:56 AM | Forget about him herpes kills, you can't be in love when you're dead!!! He should be killed so he doesn't infect anyone else.
Funny how un-educated people have to come into a forum and be stupid about things. Especially a 29 year old man.
Learn the facts-Herpes does not kill. | |
|
Home
login 
