| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/31/2006 7:43:47 AM | | OP, if I loved someone it wouldn't matter what they had. But in your case I'd be more worried that he was 'so drunk' he slept with a stripper. Being drunk is no excuse as we've all been drunk and know that we are atill aware of what we're doing...and he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't do the deed with her obviously. Besides the fact that you and he were working on things, so he essentially cheated on you (which I'd be more concerned about) you don't know for sure that that's where he got the herpes. They can stay dormant for many years. Also, for him to stop contact with you without even talking about it doesn't show that he thinks much about you; it all seems ot be ablut him. No matter what, when you have a relationship you need to be able to communicate about anything, or there's really no relationship, IMO. First thing is to educate yourself about herpes, second is to decide if you want to be with someone who isn't faithful when he's 'drunk', who runs when there's a problem, and who doesn't appear to have much respect for you or for himself. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/31/2006 7:55:48 AM | | I agree with "prolibertate", if he's cheated once and used drinking as an excuse what next? Instead of genital herpes it could be AID's next time he gets drunk. I've been "flat on the floor puking drunk" before and I still have control over my actions. I've been STD free all my life and would never let someone with low morals infect me, use me then go on her merry way later when things didn't work out. Just out of gut feelings I'd say "dump him" he's not worth the time you'll end up giving in this relationship. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/31/2006 10:06:04 AM |
And about the stripper. Yes, it IS bad that that happened while we were talking on the phone and planning a future together, but I really didn't expect him to be celebate until we actually got together. Let's face it, we are 2000 miles apart and weren't getting together very often and we both have a high sex drive. If he had just told me he got with a stripper and he was disease free, I'd be over that by now!
But I do love him and I know he loves me. Although some people are questioning his feelings due to his having sex with someone else, that doesn't bother me so much. I think it is unrealistic to expect someone to be celebate for such long periods of time, especially if they have high sex drive. I never asked him not to have sex with anyone and he never told me he wouldn't. And I wasn't exactly an angel myself!
If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with! LOL!
OP, I guess if you both feel that being celibate isn't possible, and he has no problem if you haven't remained celibate all this time, then his being with a stripper isn't an issue for you. Although it would be for me, as regardless of how high one's sex drive is, if they only want one person then why be with someone else regardless of how far away that special person is. My opinion is that it's unrealistic *not* to expect him to be faithful, especially if we're considering being together for the rest of our lives...but that's how I feel...And as long as you two agree about this, and he's not upset if you slept with anyone else, then that's what works for you two and no one else's opinion matters. How does he feel about you not remaining celibate?
Herpes won't kill anyone, and with the medications they have today, it's manageable. I have a friend who has had it for 20 years and her LT boyfriend of 15 years has never caught it because they're careful and use common sense.
The longer someone has herpes the less likely they are to spread it. But that takes a number of years.
Msg 53, where did you get this bit of misinformation from? Herpes can be spread even if a person isn't having an outbreak, and that goes for people who have outbreaks many years apart. one also has to be very careful if they're going to have a child, as that child can be harmed when moving through the birth canal. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/31/2006 9:40:34 PM | Everyone seems to have more trouble with the fact that he had sex with that woman than with my main issue... the herpes!
Well, as I have said, we have been totally honest with each other. I was still sleeping with someone when we first started talking, and then that relationship ended and I wasn't with anyone for a while, then I got with him a couple of times. But we were still having these talks about who would move. He made it clear to me that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, and at first, had said he could move back here. But because of his business, and the fact that he loves it so much there, he started trying to talk me into moving there. I wouldn't say that I would. Although we do love each other, at the time of the incident with the stripper, we were kind of at a stand off. He said,"Move here!", I said, "Come back home!", and neither of us knew if we were going to get together. We wanted to be together but our future seemed unclear. I can see his point about the business opportunity. I live in rural Mississippi and the business opportunities are not good. Sounds like he really has it going on in Oregon, and should I decide to move there, I would want for nothing. I guess I had issues about moving there before Herpes came into the picture.
A couple of months after I found out about the Herpes, I started talking to someone on the internet and we seemed to be a great match. We met and were totally attracted to each other to the point that he moved 200 miles just to be near me, which is another story, but the point is... my guy in Oregon knows about everything... and he still wants me!
And me, it seems that no matter how attracted I am to someone else, or who I'm sleeping with, my mind always goes back to Oregon.
The new guy also knew about the guy in Oregon, and that we were still talking on the phone.
I believe in honesty.
In my eyes, he didn't cheat on me, because we weren't together, we were just talking about getting together, and neither of us knew for sure if it would happen.
Who he had sex with or what the circumstances were really is of no importance to me. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 10/31/2006 9:59:35 PM | Sounds like you deserve to be with this Oregon man (and he you)...go forth and be happy. 
Forget about the guy you met on-line who moved to be near you. Seems, you think less of him considering the sacrifice he made to work on your relationship. That guy you honestly do not deserve.
I do not think the disease is of any issue, at all.
Think about it. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/1/2006 11:27:51 AM | I misread that twice but I do get what you mean.
So - you heard about the herpes and began (or continued) talking to other people. Then this guy moves to be near you because you are both besotted. Ooops - except you aren't. Not now you can actuallly have him. (I hope to goodness you haven't given the poor man herpes.)
No - now, after all, you realise you really really want to be with the one whose actions don't bother you because you both knew where you were at when he did what he did (and I guess you were on a break after he told you about the herpes when you talked to they guy who moved to where you are? This is getting really confusing).
So - I think you ought to get married. At least this way it saves other people a lot of trouble. (Unless he gets drunk).
So what gives with the poor man who's moved out to be near you? (Let's call him 'Lucky' as we don't know his name).
I do seriously wonder if you are in any state to make any serious life decisions at all at the moment. Maybe you're in some kind of shock. (I know I would be if I had all those guys wanting to be with me!)
Tell you what - we'll all stop posting, and when you've made your mind up and stuck with the decision for more than a year, start another thread and let us know how you are.
Take care of yourself and just take your time. We aren't helping, obviously.
Have a happy life. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 11:27:49 AM | I really don't appreciate the sarcasm! I just wanted to know what other people would do in my situation.
And a couple of you have indicated that you think "I" might have herpes!
If I had herpes, why on earth would I have a problem getting with someone else who does?
That makes no sense at all!
And before anyone starts to feel sorry for the "Poor Man" from the internet. Think again!
I was honestly just trying to move on because I didn't think I had a future with Oregon guy!
After the guy moved here, I found out he's a bipolar alcoholic with no driver's license and no car who couldn't keep a job, and if he got one, I had to get him to it. Like I didn't have enough problems already! I actually tried to help him, but he didn't want to help himself.
Poor Me!!! Had to send that one packing! He did not deserve me!
After all that ordeal, I couldn't help wishing things had worked out with Mr. Oregan. That is when I started doing my research and "educating myself" on the disease, as many of you have recommended. I am very well informed on all aspects of the disease. There is always a risk I'll get it if I have sex with him. It's still a tough decision.
I have NOT had sex with him since he got Herpes! We have just been communicating.
And, as someone indicated, I'm not asking strangers to tell me what to do. I just wanted some input on what other people would do if it happened to them.
The title of this thread is,"What if the love of YOUR life has genital herpes?" That indicates that I'm asking what YOU would do! There is no need to insult me or judge me.
This is a tough decision for me, and I was just asking for input. Sometimes it helps!
And by the way, a lot of you have been very helpful and I do appreciate it! | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 12:57:33 PM | | I know of two people who have this STD, one is a married women and one is a man.The women got it from her husband because he had a cold soar on his lips while he was giving her oral sex.I'm not sure what type she got from it but she got genital herpes from it..She did get pregnant, and while she was in labour (stress causes breakouts) she had an outbreak, so they had to preform a C section and the baby was fine.The male in the story had an ex and she didn't know she had it, they broke up and it wasn't untill a year later that he had his first outbreak, so sometimes you can't tell right away.....but anyways I know them and they both have great relationships with their spouse and are very happy..so for me I would say go for it if you love him but just be carefull...there are signs before they have an outbreak...and if want to have kids there are other methods of fertilization.....but in the end my dear it rest to you tomake your decision, just remember don't regret the one you make.... | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 1:16:49 PM | Sorry, Latigra, didn't mean to cause offence. 
Well - if the love of my life had genital herpes... well... if he was already the love of my life, then we'd work through/round/with it.
If he's the love of your life, that's what you'll do. And I wasn't being sarcastic about the telling us what you decide.
Tough call. Trust YOUR heart. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 1:31:30 PM | First off, you need to find out what type he has. Some people have break outs often, others not. Some people are infectious all the time, others not. Read up on it, then decide. If you love him unconditionally, well... the choice is yours. Do some homework on it. Best not to ignore it. We all fear what we dont know, right?
You can also mail me on POF if you want... used to teach sex ed. | |
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xamo
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Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 66 | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 2:01:11 PM |
And for those of you that thought I might be stupid enough to have casual sex with him without a committment... Wrong!
Lifetime commitments are averageing about 5 years these days.... Not worth it IMHO. | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 4:19:38 PM | The majority of people who contract herpes, were never told by their infected partner.
So I assume all those in this thread who wouldn't stay with someone who had the disease if they were told about it will abstain from sex totally for the rest of their lives since there is no way to protect yourself other then that. I find it amusing that people trust others so much to think that they would be told. There is no test for it unless it's taken from an open lesion.
Anyways, Latigra - this guy sounds like your soulmate, you can't stop thinking about him even when you're with others and you seem to love him with all your heart. Yea, you could find another guy but you might not and then you'll be kicking yourself for letting a great, HONEST guy go. It does sound like you have hangups about the disease and I don't blame you, however, it's very likely that you will not get it and if you do, there is medication to treat it.
Giving up your soulmate on the off chance you may get a disease that's as about annoying as your monthly period seems a shame.
JMO. Best of luck to you. :) | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 6:16:40 PM | | Just a heads up about using protection (condoms) with herpes , research nowadays says that ppl can contract herpes even if the person doesnt show any signs of a herpes outbreak ( ex blisters, sores) , and genital herpes can be located in other places other than the gentials as well ( legs, area around the groin). So be advised you can contract it even though you are using protection, good luck everyone. We should all just be using a body condoms! | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/2/2006 8:25:50 PM | Obviously, I have a lot of soul searching to do. Thanks again everyone, for your input.
Several people have pointed out that even if I married him, that doesn't mean it would last forever. Of course, nothing in this life is certain.
I also find myself wondering if the virus would be such an issue with me if he was willing to move here to be with me.
To be with him, not only would I be risking getting the virus, but I'd be moving away from all my friends and family. I'd be taking my son 2000 miles away from his father. I don't feel good about that.
My heart and my brain are having a tug of war! I might be thinking way too much! | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/3/2006 9:45:53 AM | hmmm....I think u should ask him to be tested for other STD's and HIV....
Just to be safe .....
tracy
ps I know a woman who's husband has herpes..... she is disease free ...and they have been together for 7 yrs....he just really needs to know his body and there are medications to help
good luck !!!! | |
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| What if the love of your life has genital herpes?
Posted: 11/3/2006 10:56:00 AM | I also find myself wondering if the virus would be such an issue with me if he was willing to move here to be with me.
To be with him, not only would I be risking getting the virus, but I'd be moving away from all my friends and family. I'd be taking my son 2000 miles away from his father. I don't feel good about that.
I think that's spot-on, Latigra. Whew - thought you wrote 200, just realised it's TWO THOUSAND miles... that is one hell of a decision.
You are obviously a good mother who wants to do what's best for her child - and the difficult truth is that sometimes there are conflicts between their best and our best - though in fact it's good for Mum to be happy... But sometimes you do have to make tough decisions - and a good Mum can find it hard to put herself first even when maybe she ought to. (Okay, and a good Dad too, guys, didn't mean to be sexist, sorry!)
Is there a window for this decision? Can't you start somewhere new (and nearer) together? Does your son like him? Does his father know this is in the offing? Have you been there and met people you think would become good friends..?
Occasionally I back off the whole online thing just for this reason - sometimes I feel, in a cowardly way, that it's almost better not to meet people who are great, if they're going to cause all this soul-searching. But then, I know lots of people it's worked out for, too.
I think, reading what you've written, if I were you I would try to access some real-life counselling. Someone who is able to give you a few sessions of help on how to identify and focus on and prioritise the issues here. There are many of them. For instance, if you go ahead and move, without resolving the issue about your son, the guilt could creep up and bite you and destroy the new relationship... Although a few posts back you referred to the herpes as the main issue, it doesn't seem that way tome at all.
Seems to me you have a lot of thinking to do and could use more help than we can offer.
Thinking of you. | |
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