| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/18/2005 9:43:54 PM | you're absolutely right and i will get back on track starting now thanx.
when i was a pre-teen i had done some very stupid things like running a fence over with my dads car and punching out several windows in my parents home and lots and lots of fighting i thought i was the****of the walk i'd throw down with kids just for looking at me wrong and i unfortunatly delighted in fighting i foolishly thought fighting was the only way to gain respect from my peers (and truth be told it worked very well in estacada , goes to show how foolish we kids are ) well it wasn't the answer then or now , i wanted nothing more than every one to hate me as much as i hated myself and it worked very well (oh what tangled webs we weave huh) my childhood was as i made it , (wow i guess i do have a few minor regrets that i didn't realise i had) some things like my brothers using my head as a punching bag or my mom telling me that she wishes i'd have died at birth or my sisters telling the whole school that i wet the bed and the only one that effects me to this day and that is being told i was worthless or i couldn't do anything right that one still eats at me some times , one of the little pains i've suffered that i no longer give any thought to is being called stupid that was something i had heard so much and knew i wasn't but i gave up on trying to prove my intellectual side and let every one think i was stupid though (and not being self rightous here ) i am very intelligent for the most part any way lol . so much hateful stuff was said to me when i was very young i had come to believe most of it and let it effect me for many years , i didn't put any effort in my education i just simply didn't give a damn (i'd like very much to go back in time and give my self a really good talking too lol) i just proved every one right , well ok not every one there was a short list of my elders i didn't dare give any lip to and my great grandmother was at the head of that list i'll get into that area more but later (good god the stories she's shared with me lol ) i knew better than to sass my grandma when i was young she wasn't afraid to switch you when you damn well knew you deserved it lol and i did nothing to earn a switching from her she'd make us kids pick our own switch and dear god help ya if it didn't whistle my back side hurts just at the memory lol i learned faster than any of my sibs or cousins it took them a few times to get the idea (why you might ask ? lol i haven't yet figured out what the deal with them was other than they must have liked it i can't for life of me see how that could be lol, my dad, uncle marv, uncle bob and, my mom though with her it was only because of my dad and i very rarely ever sassed any of them only when i wasn't thinking survival was i foolish enough to get them upset lol , the funny thing is i did very little to get into trouble well at least as far as the law goes of course no one ever dared tell on any one else for fights except my sisters (and i'm glad they did tell on me and still erked that they blamed me for many of things i didn't do oh well i shoulda been nicer lol) ok i've covered far more than enough of what punishement was like for me lol. i'm so done with rambling and to be honest i'd much rather just delete this whole thing but i guess it's a part of what makes me who i am so i'm going to leave this on here even though i don't find myself liking the idea ,hmmm does arguing with one's self constitute insanity ?lol ( ) i am multi-faceted lol oh well i guess i'll leave you with some thing rather funny
when i was around 6 or maybe 7 my mom took us kids out for a picnic or something well it turned bad because there was this really foolish person there and he threatened my mom well we all got in the car and took off and got home and my mom called the police (3 hrs later) they get to our house and go inside take every ones statement and then get to me this cop asks me a bunch of questions the only one i remember is the last one and that is if i had done anything to provoke that guy and i said no but i did tell the cop as we left i flipped the guy off like i'd seen my dad do when he was angry the cop chuckled and my mom gasped hell i didn't no any better lol well take care one and all see you all on the flip side | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/19/2005 8:57:28 AM | Glad to see your back to writting! I think we all may have gone through our, Thinking fighting was tough, stage. I know I did.I was always the smallest child in school, so if a girl had to prove herself, she came looking for me. Knowing I was to small to kick butt. But then a funnything happened in 10th grade. we got shipped to a school in the cities, in lock down all the time. I mean God forbid, if they let small town kids get loose in the city. Anyway, I had 4 free hours to do nothing, so I took up weightlifting, got pretty strong, and went back and kicked the crap out of all that had hurt me. It felt great at the time, but now I look back and know, I lowered myself to their level. That bothers me still.
SAM | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/20/2005 6:00:56 PM | | Well i am not sure as to how much more i'll be putting on here as my schedule is rather more full than i'd like and i don't have a computer of my own and getting on here is getting harder and harder so i will only be on when ever i get a chance which is really random and i hate that but life isn't always as i'd like it so take care i hope to see you all soon | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/24/2005 1:46:40 PM | | you all want to know something ? well i'm going to tell you any way lol i find my present situation both aggravating and funny all at the same time you see i don't fancy myself a writer which i'm really not but thats ok because i'll get better if and this is the part i find funny i can only get over this blank i suffer every time i try to write about my life i just don't seem to know what else to put in here i've shared a great deal of my pain and a little of the stuff i find funny i just don't think i thought this thru as well as i should have because when i started this forum i figured there would be questions and alot of them and i also figured if i opened up my life to one and all i some one would have asked me how i would or did handle different situations not that i'm complaining cause i'm not i just had an image in my head and it's not holding up to my vision so no worries it's my problem and i'll get over it very soon in fact i just have to think about what else to write about i could tell you a thousand stories about my pets when i was growing up but the thought of that bores me some are funny but now that i think about it most of the things i was going to write about seem to be rather fuzzy so i guess i have some thinking to do and i may not post anything for some time because i've some family members i need to talk to and get some things right because i don't want to put anything in here that isn't true so i hope all is well with every one i'llbe stopping in here every now and again with short little quotes or something at any rate i'll keep pluggin away at this at least a little | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/26/2005 4:44:14 PM | | well i figured out what part of my problem is lol and it's not being able to sit down at the computer when i have a clear idea of what i want to say though i am saving for a computer some bill or another comes along and needs to be paid and it's times like this that i find being an adult really blows chunks that inner child of mine is a true fighter he wants out to have fun and i can't let him out because i work so much and i think to myself if only well that line of thinking has been keeping me down for years now so i don't have this or have that i have alot more than alot of people i know and not being grateful for what i do have is just plain selfish and yes i'm venting a bit certain things that really piss me off shouldn't not sure why they shouldn't other than worring about jerk off snobs who have no idea what true suffering is like and i'm not saying there are alot of people like that because to be honest i only know one person who is like that but it bothers me alot only because i was eating at a resturant a table away from this guy who was ****ing because he only made 100k this year i could live on that kind of money for 10 years and he's upset about only making that kind of money sorry folks i have no other way of venting and my schedule is getting to me and that guy nearly caused me to blow a gasket i save 3 weeks so i could eat out at a nice place and other than listening to mr. money backs i enjoyed the meal or at least tried to ok i feel like a turd venting like that , i do tend to go on and on about virtually nothing and i only have about 15 minutes left so i'm going to cheer myself up and think and tell a story about my great aunt . my folks drove us to salem to visit some relatives we'd never met before and i was the only kid looking forward to it well the drive went rather fast like all drives do when one sleeps my dad shook me awake and said that we had arrived well i get out and see this huge house and i walk up to the door and just as i'm about to ring the door bell this scary woman opens the door and looks down at me and says oh you must be michael well that was 2 points against her already i hated and still rather dislike being called michael any how shesmiles at me and i feel all achward so i say the first thing that pops into my head and i tell her that i have 2.38 in my pocket and she smiles and says oh my you're rich and asks me if she could see such a fortune well i dig it all out of my pockets and she again says oh my you are rich i don't suppose i could borrow some ? and i tell her that she can have the little ones meaning the dimes of course well at the time i hadn't grasped the concept of nickels and such and my dad had to always tell me how much i had my great aunt though at first sight i thought very scary was by far one of the nicest people i'd ver met and to this day i'm glad i am her great nephew well i'm putting myself to sleep with so much writing and i still have to get to work i just hope my off days like this one will be further from each other bye for now hope all is well | |
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Posted: 4/28/2005 10:56:05 AM | | the thing that changed my life was watching my dad become a man who any one would have been honored to call a friend i knew if he could do a 180 there was no reason on earth why i could not as well though i have alot of work to be the man he was i'll get there and tahnx to my dad i have gotten started at a younger age than he did though i have seen many things people around me have done and i myself haven't done them. i get on my own case about things like my last post i vented on here and to be honest if i was reading this and not knowing the person who posted it i'd be cureiuos about his/her state of mind of course that would bring me back to read more lol i just know i'll only be like a fine wine i'll get better with age lol . my oldest sister is more like my dad than any of his biological kids including myself she thinks more like him and acts more like him though if some guy claimed to be her father i laugh at the image but i'd bet $10.00 to a donut that she'd lay him out flat she is even tempered and great source of self calm for me light the light house in the fog lol so i hope i get my you all know aht together before she goes or i'll be a certified basket case lol of course i'm just kidding well in part any way lol . ok i maybe repeating myself her because i haven't looked at my posts and can't rememeber if i've posted this but here goes any way when i was very young and we took a camping trip we sat around the fire and my dad had asked if we wanted to hear a scary story well my sisters (the younger 2) said no laod enough to wake any animal around and i of course said i wanted to gear it same with my older brothers well i can't do it justice like he did so i'll just give you the jist of it he told us he was walking up the road with his great aunt and grandma and he heard a noise behind him and they all turned around and seen this hulking figure not 20 yards away and to there horror they were up wind so they got to smell the very unpleasant oder i think the oder scared my great grandma more than anything but any way to getr back on track here after he'd told his story he asked me if i was scared and i said in all honesty no i wasn't , he asked me why and i told him because every one knows bigfoot isn't real ok well i can tell you until that day i'd never been scared of my dad but the look in his eye told me that i'd just done something very bad because as he would have told you and i will tell you my dad if ever asked a question would never lie that is the only thing that remained with my dad thru out his life even when cheating on my mom he'd never lie about it so i guess i went 10 miles to try to explain a simple thing some day maybe i'll get better at getting a good message on here with out so much of my grandma in my writing lol she makes me look like a mute if you could imagion anything like that lol . well all take care and have a great day bye for now | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 4/28/2005 11:22:37 AM | Rusty,
Happy to hear that yor father changed with the 180, and that you can hold such respect for him now. My father has always been a great man,(for this I was blessed) he also has the way with his eyes. As a child, I learned very quickly to read the message in his eyes. One look, and you kew what he meant. It's funny now, I find myself giving my children the same eyes.
As for the big foot, I think it will remain a mystery in life. And we all need the mystery to keep us on our toes.
Sam | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 5/23/2005 2:49:59 PM | | i haven't very much time right now but i just wanted everyone to know i'm still alive and kickin lol just haven't had any time to get to the library but soon i'll have my own computer well ok in july but until then i'll be around if and when i can take care until then | |
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Posted: 6/6/2005 11:54:43 AM | | well not sure how this will make me look but it does bother me a great deal so here goes . i go out of my way to do right and be kind to every one and yet i find myself stuck with this stigma of having acusations thrown at me and that is being called a thieve see i hate thieves and i hate being called one a theif to me is no better than a pedofile both violate there victims i was punished once for taking money from my dads pockets when i was a small child and though i wasn't taking the change for any reason other than to hear the jangle of it in my pockets my dad sat me down and told me all the errors of thievery and the spanking aside i've never taken anything that wasn't mind to take well i feel better now at least a little lol i wonder why i am such an easy target ? i may be just to nice and if so after i get my teeth i may start biting , just kidding about the biting well take care every one and enjoy | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 6/9/2005 10:14:52 PM | Hi Rusty. I was wondering if your dad was an alcoholic? Cause you said he made amends? If so I'm glad he got straight with you and found you all some redemption.
This is a catharsis to write out your life like that. Keep going. I never saw this thread til to-night but I certainly will check back in and see how it goes.
Remember...you are thought of by others out here somewhere. I have heard innumerable horror stories of things like this from others myself. It does happen. Many even become split personalities from this type of abuse.
Blessings, Ruby..... | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 6/18/2005 10:53:56 AM | tsk tsk tsk now children this can not be an all out war. I have thouroughly enjoy everthing written in this forum.
Rusty: You are doing a fine job. If you'd like some gramatical help you just need to ask. I think it's fine just the way it is.
Mari and Sam: I'm proud of you, you are the kind of people the world should be made up of. But, if you read every word of Rusty's you'll find and I quote " if there's a writer or profreader among us than FEEL FREE to make comment's" if it wasn't true he shouldn't have said it...just remember I'm on your side. There should be no critisism at all it's an awesome story.
Hello I'm the moonlightgoddess and I want to Thank You all for the entertainment it has been very pleasurable  | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 6/18/2005 12:32:14 PM | the following may emit pity but for pities sake don't pity me , i just need to vent some .
my doctor has told me that i have an enzym in my system that is more than double of what it should be and i don't begin to understand it but it may very well be the root of my problem with cronic pain as i've suffered now for years and until now was told it was all in my head so my doctor puts me on light duty and there really is no light duty in laundry and i'm also limited to four hours a day at work so i have to quit because i firmally believe that if one can't do the job there hired for one shouldn't keep that job and that puts me in a huge bind because i was paying on a computer in layaway and paying off debts little by little well life is continuing to test me and i feel i'm going to fail this one because i'm not trained or educated past high school except of course some partial studies in collage so i find myself wondering why one must continue to suffer such unfair crap ? of course i know some day life will be better but at this point i see very little hope i live my life a certain way and part of the way i live my life is by treating every one with kindness and being the kind of man my dad always told me i could be i try hard not to dwell on the fact that there are people out there who have great lifes but are nasty and then i think about how i live my life and get angry at those same people because they have stuff i only dream about and yes i know i sound pretty bad right now and some time in the future i'll reread this and be upset with myself for being such a turd i just feel like i'm stuck and there is no way and no one to help me out of it the real problem is i'm having a stupid pity party for myself which doesn't help matters any so i do look forward to hearing the verbal slaps i so rightously deserve well i'm going to go sit on the beach and try to figure out what i'm going to do and how i'm going to do it i hope at least you the reader are doing well that will at least make me feel better well take care one and all and please forgive my bout of self pity | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 6/18/2005 3:29:31 PM | Rusty, great to have you back! I pity party maybe, but we've all had our days like that!
I had my back surgery last almost 2 weeks ago now, they took out all the metal that thay had put in for the fusion. Cronic pian is not in ones mind, I can say this for fact. I've lived it for the last 25 years. Research this new information they told you, learn as much as you can. It's much easier to talk to the Doctors, if you understand what it is that they are talking about. Congrats on the new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 6/19/2005 11:10:10 AM | Rusty - Sorry to hear about these new developments. HANG IN THERE! - and keep fighting! If your doctor says you have to quit your job, can't you get help - like disability or something? The other thing to think about is how important your job is relative to your medical condition. Talk a bit more to your doctor about this. It won't do you any good to have more free time to hang around and think about what is wrong - and miss the things you were working to acquire. Hopefully, you will be able to find a job that keeps both you and your doctor happy. Have you thought about trying some part-time courses at college? - Creative writing would be one that you could contribute a lot to and get some help with your story.
Anyway, good luck - you certainly sound like someone who will do everything possible to move forward.
Goddess - welcome to the forum. Rusty was quite specific about the kind of 'criticism' he wanted. No point in being a critic here unless you can be a constructive one. As I said in one of my posts, maybe we reacted a little too strongly to some critical comments, but I think Mari Sam would agree that it was motivated by our appreciation of Rusty's magnificent narrative and a desire for him to continue with it. I guess I'm pretty sensitive to criticism of language styles because I have a fascination with the variation and dialects and also see posts expressing discomfort from victims non-constructive criticism. Check out the 'spelling' threads to get a sense of what I mean. | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 6/25/2005 12:39:19 PM | well mari and john i had a friend who is going to pay for me to take some courses in collage and it is creative writting and all the courses i'll need to be a good writer like lol spelling , grammer and all that i really would like to write a book about my life not because i want the money i just want to reach people and help them and let them know they can over come anything i am still climbing that ladder and right now my arms are really tired and i'm just hanging on until i get my next wind i will succeed and i will overcome all this crap on my door step thanks to you john and sam i have been telling myself i can be successful at anything i do and i will and also when my book does finally reach the world the two of you will have to have a dedication in the book with out you'r kindness and support i doubt i'd be this much further from my past i've come leaps and bounds though i still get in a dark mood now and then but they don't last so long any more well my friendas i must go my new car needs oil and to my dismay it will cost me money in which i must go earn lol oh and just like me it doesn't go in reverse lol  | |
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| this is me so please feel free to get to know me thru my story
Posted: 6/25/2005 1:37:05 PM | Thank - you, rusty, and good luck! - that's really great news! You're already a good storyteller, so I'm sure the writing will come easily. Don't you think you've already been pretty successful? - Overcome some very traumatic experiences in your childhood, earned appreciation from a few readers here on POF and now earned the respect of a friend who believes in you enough to pay for some college classes. Dont let it go to your head! - but recognize that it demonstrates people have confidence in you and respect for what you are doing.
You car sounds worse than mine!!! | |
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