| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 8:57:38 AM | what better could you do, but by showing those "extra stresses", how their mother should be treated, cared for and loved. Regardless of her past and their father!
Men accept a challenge, boys complain about it!
Sorry all I see is someone whining about something they have control over! | |
|
Phat
|
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 27 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 9:09:48 AM | I did not start this post to make blood boil. I just started it because many women think the kids are the reason so many guys back away. But i just wanted to let them see another point of view. I have dated a few different women with kids. And some had bad relations with there ex's and some having good ones. I was even engaged to one with a daughter that got along great with the ex. So I have been in the situation. it is not about judgeing or grouping. I am sorry if anyone gets pissed about this topic. but I feel if you are getting mad you are not looking as openly as I am hoping most would. No matter how youlook at the situation from start to end. There is huge issues to look at that you don't have to deal with in meating someone with out kids. Everything from finding time to get to know each other. ex's. whats best fro the kids. I refuse to meet kids till i figure something is there. I don't want the kids to get hurt or attached. The you got to think about what happens if it dosn't work. and what the ramifcations are.
Basically I am looking at it from the point of on extreme to the next. but you have to look at the big picture and not get caught up in the moment cus you have to think of everyone involved. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 9:22:39 AM | I agree with the poster who said dating men w/o children who are around or over my age are pointless-the immaturity not to mention the not understanding the concerns of a child.
I actually look forward to meeting men who do have children and enjoy hearing about all their antics-trade off stories etc. And if things were to work out I would be ecstatic to have more little darlins(they hafta be compared to my son lol) to spend time with.
I guess the point is that if you don't have children that you do see regularely and spend time with you would find it harder to relate with a single parent.
I'm another one who my son does not see his father at all(thankfully he had his ass thrown back in jail) and doesn't have to go through the manipulations or mind games or arguments-makes life so much more stress free.
I think at the end of the day we will all be surprised with who we meet or end up with. And those little hiccups really won't be that much of an issue. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 9:47:59 AM | The notion that men without children around "our" age are immature is flawed. When women in their mid-30's don't have children, it's a conscious decision to have other things take priority in their lives until they're ready. When men do it, it's because we're unable to handle responsibility.
It's the latter notion that is immature. | |
|
| |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 10:17:55 AM | well..... I for one only wanted to date man with kids... And I was happy to meet a single father that has custody of his two kids full-time... and I am so glad i made a great choice in choicing him too.... and so looking forward to seeing where things go with Him and I... | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 1:09:46 PM |
what better could you do, but by showing those "extra stresses", how their mother should be treated, cared for and loved. Regardless of her past and their father!
Men accept a challenge, boys complain about it!
Sorry all I see is someone whining about something they have control over!
Awesome!!!! Nicely put sambucadawg! | |
|
GUMMLE
|
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 33 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 1:26:26 PM | @Phat...
And I thought I had become selfish...
From being single too long...
There are so many reasons why...
A person could be a single parent...
The simple statement that they are...
Does not mean the other spouse is still around...
If you meet a single parent...
And connect...
Why would you not be willing to work...
At keeping that connection...
And making the relationship work?
Where do we draw the line...
At how much effort is too much...
For the sake of love...
And long term happiness?
I believe you need to re-evaluate...
What you have to offer a potential mate...
And weigh it against what you want/expect in return...
Because I honestly don't think...
That you have a balanced equation...
As for the responses...
From the single parents...
My eyes have been opened...
To a lot of things...
About being a single parent...
That I didn't previously understand...
Especially regarding the "Me Time" or "Me Space"...
I would like to thank you all...
For sharing so much of yourselves... | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 2:44:15 PM | Okay I have read this thread a few times but no longer can I stay quiet. Never once did I think that a man backed away because I had children and was a single parent but rather that because he couldn't handle the responsibility that come from caring and loving the whole package. Sorry but thats how I see it. Do you not think that single parents are concerned about letting somebody into their life and the impact that that has on the children involved?? Hmmmm, maybe thats why so many of us are still single, do you think? Now what are the ramifications if it doesn't work? So what are we supposed to ask for a gaurantee before getting involved with somebody? Apparently there is no such thing, since oh yeah we are already single parents. What about the fact that the significant other in our life enriches our childs/childrens life? Do we deny them the opportunity to see what a balanced, caring, loving relationship is all about or do we hibernate and show our children that it's safer to not care about anybody because we might all get hurt?
When are looking from one extreme to another I think you chose a very narrow road my friend, or maybe did not fully express what you are feeling because unfortunately there are many other things that fall into this equation then how YOU feel, last time I checked a relationship was not all about You and your feelings but rather about all the people involved be they adults or children! | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 3:02:27 PM | ^^^^^^ Thanks for saying that! That's the other thing I had wanted to say in my last post! I didn't have a dad in my early years when it really counts and the fact that a man who loved my mother also loved me enough to make me his own...my life has been blessed and richer for the gift of love he gave me!
The next person who comes into my life, will be what the person above me said. Not Daddy, but a positive male influence and role-model for my children. Hopefully, we together, can show them what love is about, the way my parents showed me.
Also, i have my kids full time, they see their father every other weekend, so my free time is limited and I choose wisely who I spend it with, and I learned the hard way not to get my kids involved too soon...so I need to know where things are going before he meets my kids.
But I think I have said all I need to say, because I'm just basically repeating what the other mom's have said. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 3:11:39 PM | | Know what all? A long time ago I would have taken issue with the OP and his thoughts. Having been around the block or two since then, I can certainly understand his point! He appears to want a child of his own. He is only 29 and I think he deserves to get what he is looking for. I think it all boils down to one fact, and one only! It does not or will not matter should you meet the one who catches your heart! You WILL make the added effort. Some gals/guys will use the excuse "it was my kids", which may or may not necessarily be true. Sorry, just the way it is sometimes. I think we all have a tendency to overanalize things when on our own with extra time on our hands. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 3:50:51 PM | the last time i checked a 29 yr old man should be able to take care of themselves a child cant sorry man i want to agree but if u cant live second best to a child better off not dating single moms and its even worse u say u need to "lower ur standerds to find a date ????"""""
and ur worried about single moms hell when i had my daugther my standerds went though the roof now u better meet what i want for me and my daugther or nexttttttttttttttttttttttttttt???? theres 1 million guys out there that would kill to be apart of our lives ... and frm what i see most single moms dad took off somewherre3 but hey thats me maybe im crazy here ??
p.s dont date single moms for the love of god i cant see u being a role model to any child !!!!!!   i need a drink after this crap lol | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 4:12:39 PM | Wow have lots of you taken this whole post the wrong way. You all are taking it as personal attacks just because you have kids. Maybe read the very first post that started this and try and see a few different points of views on this. Everyone has their own preference, he is stating his, and why are you all attacking him like he's wrong? Put the claws away and try to see a few different angles, obviously some of you can't.
You all are forgetting that some of us that choose not to have kids right away, when we meet people with kids, its US that has to sacrifice and adjust OUR lives and time to adapt to yours and your kids lives if you want us around. So don't be getting upset and angry at him, I think he's got some pretty awesome points said up there. It wasnt attacking, it was points of views!!!
You are also not noticing, some of you are talking like if he's with you, he needs to act like the kids' dad right off the bat! He's looking to be with someone for a relationship, not meet someone to take care of their kids. The kids is an added bonus that he can be a friend to and maybe in some cases a new dad to WAYYY down the road, but don't expect that from anyone.
PS -
i need a drink after this crap lol Nice. Good role model yourself I see. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 4:32:52 PM |
It does not or will not matter should you meet the one who catches your heart! You WILL make the added effort.
Way to go for that Kitkat !! .. and that's from both sides .. if you want it and care about the other person ... you WILL make the added effort
The ones with kids seem to be saying that it's being able to accept the responsibility of the "total package" ... are they responsible enough .. or they don't want the added responsibility, blah, blah .... so you were married or with someone before and had kids with them ... it didn't work out .. life has moved on ... and of course you want someone to accept you and your situation as a total package ... who says the person without kids can't accept and handle that?
The one with kids must also be able to accept the responsibility of dealing and being with someone who doesn't have kids or the the ex "that will always be there" factor, usually exes are exes once a relationship is over ... unless there are kids involved ... They have certain needs and wants of someone who is going to be in their life as well ... why does it have to be one way or the other .. or one person's life is more complicated or more rigid or whatever .. kids or no kids .. this is two people with pasts, different things in their life, work, family, etc. .... coming together to start something anew ... work together ... geesh
 | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 4:40:38 PM | | ya accually im a great role model i dont drink do drugs or deal with idiots ;) and i do get what hes saying but saying he cant deal with being second to a child is abit much i mean hes a growen man not a child he doesnt need to be first anymore ..... i have a 2 yr old and her needs are always met before anyones no matter what they may be and that includes myself ... most i can agree with i remember life before my daughter and being with her dad and not being able to do alot of things i wanted, his kids mom always up in my face over b.s but hell i was 18 complaining about that crap not 29.....the statement about exs i can still agree to this day i dont have drama with my ex hell i dont even talk to him let alone have problems with him i cant be bothered .. i know we will never agree on anythign with my daugther and im not about to figth on everything so i just stay away .. and i expect a drama free zone from a partner but being second to a kid if u cant deal with being second to a child who cant always meet their own needs ur better off not getting involved and i already said that ..and i know people who dont have kids may "sacricifce" things to be with soemone who has a child but a child is a person and a blessing not a bloody burdan..... im sorry i can honestally say my daugther will never come second to anyone she is my baby she needs me more then anyone in the world and the day i gave birth to her i made an obligation to do the best i possibally could for her and i stand by my commitment if people cant accept that then great im better off alone anyways | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:01:32 PM | | True, no child should ever come second to anyone. A child is a gift and I don't have problems with that. But why can't the guy or girl the parent dates be up there as number 1 as well? You would expect them to put you and your child as number one on their list. If you want them to be in your life all of them should be just as important in their own special ways. Lots of people forget that and just shove the non-parent aside sometimes. It's ok once in a while, but sometimes its too much too often and thats not a relationship anymore. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:27:33 PM | Well I totally agree with the OP - and I am one of those single moms with kids, but I agree with everything he said.
I've been on my own with my kids for 12 years - some casual dating, but no relationship since their father left. My kids are my #1 in my life and I recognize that any poor guy who would be sharing my life would always be #5 on my list of priorities - after the 3 kids and myself. Who wants to be #5?? I would expect to always be #1 on someone's list and until such time that I am available to give that back, I will remain single.
As for single guys dating single moms. Ummm... as far as my own experience from the other perspective, my mom was a single mom and she married a single guy who was a jerk - he was just a kid really - he was in his 20's when I was in highschool - totally whacky situation. Long story short - my mom had a new baby with him and there was no room for me anymore - l moved out at 16. She broke up with that guy 2 years later. Their marriage was over. My relationship with my mom wrecked for ever. Their baby is now 24 and has been raised between 2 seperate homes. His life was wrecked. Moral of the story . . . . Why f#$*^ up everyone's lives ?? If you are single and looking to get married and settled and start a family, I strongly believe you should do it with someone who is also in the same life circumstances as you. Single, no kids. Start a life together. Grow and share equally in experiences together. There are too many complications otherwise.
That's just MHO | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 5:51:26 PM | | I think my posts have become invisible..lol. Being a single parent myself..I think I stated the fact that both children and significant other should be number one priority. I look back at all the posts and why is it always the negative ones get more response. I was hoping more would agree with my way of thinking because I think on a whole it makes sense but hey..again........it's only my humble opinion. | |
|
7284
|
Joined: 7/22/2006
Msg: 44 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 6:48:29 PM | | I have dated women with kids and have enjoyed it:) Maybe I was lucky. Sure I would get annoyed at times but hey if all relationships were perfect none of us would be here. Both the guy and the girl have to make time and remember that the other isn't arround just for that booty call. I'd date a womany with kids no problem... the right woman with the right kids. Maybe I'll be lucky again :) | |
|
Phat
|
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 45 | |
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:07:28 PM | Wow lots of strong opinions here. I thank everyone who has read all the posts and see that there was no blaming or attacking anyone here. It is mearly an opinion I had and wanted to see what others thought. Some have not read all and have attack me for my opinion. but it is healthy to look at all points. Most people do not see what they are getting in to and why things happen. I did not even touch many other issuses that are included in this. But for some people to say i would not be a good role model. I think that is jumping to conclusions. At least I look at the big picture and i never said I would never date someone with kids. I am saying it is much harder. but you can never control who you fall in love with.
oh well I hope more people put there coments up on this because it is interesting to see where people are coming from with there coments. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 7:25:50 PM | I personally would like to say that ... Phat .... I know what you mean...I wouldnt want to date anyone who wasnt in it for the long haul.. cause I mean your not just breaking one heart .. if things dont work out.. your breaking those little kids hearts as well. but on the other hand as well... Maybe even if your only in those kids life for 2 years it may make a difference to them.. who knows... but everything in life happens for a reason .. and I dont think that anyone should be punished and meant to liuve alone for the rest of they're lives because they had children by another man and it didnt work out between two people.....but..obviously to each their own right.. I mean if you feel the stress would be burden to you.. then so be it.. But I mean .. you could also be missing the best thing ever by not taking the chance..... My point is... In life.. you have to ... always always take chance.. if you dont then you will never succeed and you will never be happy.. What sthw worse that can happen.. You dotn end up with her???? well by not giving her a chance your already not being with her right? So what do you have to loose.. Children are gods gift to us all.. if you really think that children maty be the only reason your not with someone... Look past it.. And be those kids best friend.. Not they're father..Im just glad I Can get along with my sons father for this reason exactly... I want to be able to be with someone one day and be able to sit down for coffee at my grand kids birthdays and laugh and joke with my sons father... it would make a healthier life in the end...
But back to the point of this all... Phat .. Everyone deserves a chance..and dont let children be the reason u wont give in.. it may be the best thing you do. who knows..... | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/29/2006 10:24:54 PM | While I agree with the OP to a point..
(I have kids myself and know there are issues with that)
I don't totally agree with what all the "Kidless" posters have said..
Most of us CANNOT just go away for weekends or when ever we want (ok I can, but thats different)
With or without kids, we all (or most of us) have jobs and other priorities we must attend to..
As for coming 1ST...there is NO WAY a person I have dated once or twice is ever going to be a priority over my kids....If we were in a relationship, then yes they would share 1st with the kids...
As for many of the Exs comments, I have dated a few kid less Women whose EXs are psychotic, it had nothing to do with having kids together!
Anyways, OP..its your choice, limit yourself or accept that people with kids have other priorities... Would you quit your job for a date??? | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/30/2006 5:15:49 AM | When I was young (21 years of age) I became involved with and eventually married a single mother. There were difficult issues to deal with in many respects. Some of the issues did revolve around my role as I was very good with the situation.
However, I can see how a person without children would want to be #1 in a relationship... for a while. It's a different life becoming an instant family. There are many things a person must consider and sacrifice when deciding what he/she wants at the beginning of a relationship.
I can tell you one major drawback I experienced with marrying a single mother. It was about the focus she lacked on the relationship between the adults. Sure, It comes without saying that will always happen but the most discomforting thing I experienced was the selfishness of such a relationship once many years had past.
I gave up many things as a young man. I never complained. But then, all of a sudden, once her daughter was in school and the other children were not born yet, the relationship became about "her".
It was about her being the mom for all those years. It was about her being able to enjoy her days alone to do what she wanted. It was about her missing out on so many things.... never was it about "us" or the things I/we sacrificed through the years.... hence the reason I walked out on her, in the long run. Bare in mind she was 25 before having her first child... I was 21/22 and living with a child in my life. There is more to it, but that is it in a nutshell.
So, in support of the OP, I certainly understand why it is important to prefer being #1 for a while. You may never feel that special again... especially when kids are in the mix.
I never experienced being #1 yet, many mothers (not all, but most) did experience that feeling of being #1 before having children. I think it is short sighted to reject a person for wanting to have that recognition for a while. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/30/2006 6:01:14 AM | Good post, My Infusion - you put a different perspective on it, having lived it.
He appears to want a child of his own. He is only 29 and I think he deserves to get what he is looking for. I think it all boils down to one fact, and one only! It does not or will not matter should you meet the one who catches your heart! You WILL make the added effort.
Totally agreed, Kit! It is also about timing - where we are in life. Relationships have a much better chance of success when we have/are living thru similar situations. I have dated men with young children, and men with no children. The man I am with now has teenagers, as I do, and we have found it makes a huge difference.... we understand and tolerate each others rants about teenagers, etc. We support each other on those days when we, as the parents, want to "run away from home".
BUT, it is very tough for someone else to walk into a relationship and not have that time together as a couple, without kids. Because, even if the OP does date a woman with kids, and he doesn't meet the kids until later in the relationship, he is going to have a lot more to overcome.... A - the kids are number one in her life, as they should be, but with the kids coming into the relationship later, he misses out on that huge part of her life .... B - when he does meet the kids, he now faces having a relationship with the kids too, and if he doesn't impress the kids, he runs a real risk of the relationship failing with her, because the kids don't like him. It is not easy for someone wanting a long term relationship with a single parent, even more so if they don't have kids themself. | |
|
| dating a woman with kids. Lots of extra stresses.
Posted: 10/30/2006 7:36:04 AM | I would be more apt to pity the children the OP may one day have with the "love of his life" and it doesn't work out.. and his children end up raised in a single parent home. Perhaps then he would eat his words and not be so selfish as he would have no choice but to see the world through the eyes of a parent.
Sure life isn't always sunshine and roses and yes there are pressures when one has children whether your own or someone else's. So what if a single parent has an ex to deal with. I think it's also important how they deal with it and allow it to affect them (or not). With their reaction shows maturity of the individual. Some people can make it work others can't.
OP... because you mention the children and single parents everyone is going to jump on the fact that they have children and how they are not the reason for this or that.
Fine you have an opinion. You only have to justify it to yourself. Not to me or anyone else in cyber space. I really do hope those blinders come off eventually and you see life for what it truly is. Don't live your life in the negative... as that is all you will get.
Edit: So if he does have a baby with a woman who doesn't have children will he be just as jealous when she puts their child before him? | |
|
Home
login 
