| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 1/18/2007 2:31:48 PM | BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THIS CENTURY.
>>
>> >> Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
>> >> expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things,
>> >> fire.
>> >> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
>> >> cigars and
>> >> without yet having made even his first premium payment on the
>> >> policy the
>> >> lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
>> >> In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series
>> >> of small
>> >> fires."
>> >> The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
>> >> that the
>> >> man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
>> >> The lawyer sued.. And WON!
>> >> (Stay with me.)
>> >> Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
>> >> that the
>> >> claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the
>> >> lawyer held a
>> >> policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were
>> >> insurable and also guaranteed that it would
>> >> insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be
>> >> unacceptable fire and was obligated to pay the claim.
>> >> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
>> >> insurance company
>> >> accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of
>> >> the
>> >> cigars lost in the "fires".
>> >> NOW FOR THE BEST PART.
>> >> After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
>> >> arrested on
>> >> 24 counts of ARSON!!!
>> >> With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
>> >> being used
>> >> against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his
>> >> insured
>> >> property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
>> >> This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
>> >> Criminal
>> >> Lawyers Award Contest. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/22/2007 11:18:36 PM | Bubba had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?" | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/22/2007 11:28:39 PM | A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender looks at him and says "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
And the Pirate responds...
(now use your best pirates voice)
"Arrrr.It driven me nuts." | |
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yugmde
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Joined: 1/15/2007
Msg: 29 | |
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/22/2007 11:59:45 PM | | A daycare had to call the cops on a 3 year old that wouldnt nap when she was told to... they charged her with resisting arrest..... | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 12:28:47 AM | These are from my band days - that I hear from again = and even my 16 year old niece is retelling (she wasn't born when most of these were being told)
Why did the punk rocker cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken
What does a bassplayer get on his IQ test?
Drool
How can you tell if the stage is level? But the drool out of the corner of the drummers mouth (me being a former drummer, didn't like that one lol - it was usually jaeg)
How does a lead singer change a lightbulb? He stand there holding the bulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him...
Groaners I know. | |
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NadiaX
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Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 31 | |
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 5:36:18 AM | How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Depends on what you want to change it into...... | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 7:51:05 AM | How do you get a Froggie to shut up????
Tie his hands behind his back!
Why did the chicken cross the road??
To get to the other side....
Why did the blond climb the glass wall??
To see what was on the other side...... | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:37:12 AM | A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper in here either." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:40:51 AM | The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and
commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is
flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 10:32:54 AM | Another dumb blonde one:)
This Blonde lady walks into the Doctors office nervous about the results of her pergnancy test. She asks the Doctor the results and he tells her yes. She sits down and cries, he asks her whats wrong? She replies "can I be sure it's mine"? | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 10:45:07 AM | Doc, grumpy and dopey decide to leave Snow White for a world tour.
They travel the world seeing many wonders and visiting every corner.
After several months they bump into Mother Teresa.
They are really excited and begin to ask her many questions.
Doc asks her "are there Nuns all over the world"? she replies"yes"
Grumpy asks "do all nuns wear similar clothes"? she replies "yes"
Dopey asks "Are there black nuns all over the world"? she replies "yes I am sure there are"
Doc asks " are there midget black nuns all around the world"? she replies " yes most likely"
Grumpy asks " are there midget black nuns near the north pole? she replies " most definitly not we have no nuns near the North Pole"
Both Doc and Grumpy smile and yell out "Dopey ****ed a Penguin, Dopey **** a Penguin" | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 10:47:02 AM | Question: Why do Scottish men wear Kilts?
Answer: The sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
A man walked upto me at the last scottish sports event I was in. (Caber Toss)
He was drunk, he was trying to ask me a question. His rather embarrassed wife/girlfriend standing beside him just wanting to leave.
He asks me, what do ya scots wear under those Kilts?
I smiled, looked at his wife/girlfriend, looked back at him and calmly said as I pointed to his wife/girlfriend....Her Lipstick. (He finished his drink in a single gulp and walked away)...Dont think he got it. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 4:48:46 PM | How can you tell a blonde has been on the computer - there is liquid paper on the screen
How can you tell a brunette has been on the computer after the blonde? There is writing over the liquid paper. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/23/2007 7:28:01 PM | three women where at the doctors office getting there medical reports rumor has it they all were in a discussion of sort pertaining to the way they got knocked up ,the red head said she was on top during intercourse and is having a baby boy ,the brunette she she remembers being on the bottom and metioned she id having a baby girl ... and the blonde spoke up and started to scream and left the building crying hysticaly and mentioned something about puppies.
have a nice day,palaka | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 2/24/2007 5:03:12 PM | why does Santa Claus have such a big bag??
because he only comes once a year....
common it was cute.. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/1/2007 6:43:33 PM | Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any kids?
Whenever his wife gets hot, he wallops her over the head with a shovel
Yes, I made sure it was a BEAR joke | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/7/2007 11:01:24 PM | This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/7/2007 11:19:09 PM | I really hope I don't offend anyone out there...................please dont curse me cause it's not my joke.
Q. What do Hutterites do at Halloween?
A. PUMP-kin
((blame an ex for that one, oh and I've had a few drinks so far tonite..... still gonna burn in H E double-Hockey-stix!!)) | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:41:46 AM | what's the difference between toast and toilet paper?
Toast is brown on both sides.
That's always a classic. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/10/2007 3:59:35 PM | hey sabrinakicks..... it takes everyone a couple minutes to get that joke.....its one i'd rather explain in person tho! | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/10/2007 9:48:37 PM | ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE
GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE,
I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE. | |
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