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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/10/2007 10:20:01 PM | Whew....to post # 50..........everyone deserves some lovin!!
A guy walks into his local shoppers drug mart. Approaches a cashier "excuse Miss, Im on an errand for my wife, can you tell me where the feminine hygiene products are?"
"Well sure, Sir, they are in aisle 3"
"Thank-you Miss", he replied.
Aboot 15 minutes passes, this gentleman proceeds to the same cashier that told him where he needed to go. He plunks down , a bag of cotton balls, a roll of twine .
The puzzeled cashier looks at him and says
"Sir, I thought you were on an errand for your wife"
He replys, "Yes I am and I have everything she needs"
She looks at him really puzzeled now.
"Look Miss, I appreciate the great directions"
"I sent my wife last week to grab me a carton of cigarettes and she brought me home a tub of tobacco and some tubes....I'm going to make her, ROLL HER OWN"!!!  | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/11/2007 8:26:29 PM | What do you get when you cross Viagra with chocolate......
OOOOOOhhhhhhhhh HENRY!!!!
(that is actually the only joke I know but I love it!) | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:33:23 PM | Values
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He
decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man is impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest boobs. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:36:32 PM | A married Jamaican went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almos' had an affair wid an nuder woman. "
"The priest said, "What you mean, almost?"
The Jamaican said, "Well, we get undress' and rub up an ting,
but den I stop."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Jamaican left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box"
The Jamaican replied, "Yeah fadder, buh hear me, ah rub de $50
on de box, and 'cordin' to you, dat is de same as puttin it in........"
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/12/2007 8:50:00 PM | A Penny Saved
There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure."
So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.
The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like."
So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure."
So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!"
This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."
The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?"
The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm a about to save you a thousand bucks!" | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/12/2007 9:05:39 PM | .....well a relatively new joke, but what the heck........and I'm gonna get roasted for this one.......
Kevin Lowe and Dwayne Roloson get out to see a movie one afternoon. About half way through the movie, Dwayne tells Kevin "I'm hungry, let me out and I'm gonna get something to eat". Kevin tells Dwayne back "I have to go to the bathroom. Stay here and I'll bring you something back from the snack bar."
So Kevin goes to the bathroom, finishes his business and heads to the snack bar. After grabbing an extra large plate of nachos, the biggest bucket of popcorn, and an extra large soda, Kevin runs into Darryl Sutter. Darryl looks at the amount of food that Kevin has, and exclaims how much is there.
Kevin looks at Darryl and says "no it's not for me. It's what I got for Dwayne Roloson."
Darryl replies "well that's more than you got for Ryan Smyth". | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/12/2007 9:10:07 PM | A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?!" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!" | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/12/2007 9:11:11 PM | The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/13/2007 11:29:51 PM | Do you know what happens to the "Energizer Bunny" if you put his batteries in backwards???
He keeps coming and coming coming...... | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:48:46 AM | 100 LBS OF DYNAMITE
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde
says, "what a massive chest you have".
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What
massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of
dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes
running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body
builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He
catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment
like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all
that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/20/2007 10:53:11 AM | I heard the best but cheesiest one ever this weekend.....almost died!
Q: Why was Tigger looking in the toilet???
A: He was looking for Pooh!
ok....well, I found it funny. 
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 3/20/2007 12:08:31 PM | Broke Back Mountain Lady
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found her waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the Fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 5/31/2009 7:21:30 PM | I don't know any jokes, but was whining earlier that the forums suck lately.
Thought I would dredge up an ancient thread (well maybe just old), and see if anyone has a joke to post! Pass some laughs around the Alberta Forum!! | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 5/31/2009 7:36:26 PM | Oh gosh, do the forums suck.. It's like the life has totally been sucked from them.
please someone tell a joke, even a bad one..
Here's my bad one.. men will hate it.
Did you know single women can't fart? They don't get an ***hole til they get married.
harhar har | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 5/31/2009 7:55:11 PM | | I am pretty new to the forums and didn't get to enjoy all of these the first time around. Wish I had a good one to add but I just wanted to say thanks for bumping up this thread, I got a lot of really good laughs out of it. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 5/31/2009 9:31:07 PM | A psychic midget walks into a bank, then up to a teller and telepathically sends a message to the teller that he has a gun and wants all the money in her till. Without a word being spoken the teller hands over all the bills in her till and the midget makes good his escape.
Now the police are looking for a small medium at large. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 5/31/2009 9:36:01 PM | You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
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Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 6/6/2009 9:36:19 AM | An older couple at an art exhibition were staring at a painting that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation. He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Canadians in predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.
After the curator left, a man with a noticeable maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?" The couple looked at the man with some degree of suspicion......"How & why" asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?" "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans shown here at all. They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:55:30 AM | Once upon a time.........
There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body, when he noticed that he was suntanned all over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.
Two old ladies were strolling along the sand, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, "There ain't no justice in this world". The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"
"Well" she said;
"When I was 20, I was curious about it".
"When I was 30, I enjoyed it".
"When I was 40, I asked for it".
"When I was 50, I paid for it".
"When I was 60, I prayed for it".
"When I was 70, I forgot about it".
"And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 6/19/2009 12:26:18 PM | WORKPLACE HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEMS
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
RE: WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 90 - 550 lbs.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if incorrectly used.
5) Found in various states ranging from Virgin metal to Common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1) Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
5) Most powerful money-reducing agent known.
COMMON USES
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside better specimen.
HAZARDS
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2) Illegal (and not recommended) to possess more than one. | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 6/22/2009 12:37:58 PM | Thought I'd bump this thread back up to the top. Thanks "Castaline" (message # 66) for bringing it back out of the mothballs. I too love jokes and hoping the two I posted weren't so bad that nobody wanted to continue.
So.......I'll give you another. 
(So many oldies in this file, I don't know which one to write)
Let's try this one..........
CAUTION TRAVELLERS : THE "747" HAS EVERTHING
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of using the Men's room. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied.
The stewardess suggested he use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing the buttons on the wall.
The buttons were marked "W-W", "W-A", "P-P" and "A-T-R".
Eventually, his curiosity got the best of him and sitting there, he carefully pressed the first button marked "W-W". Immediately the warm water sprayed gently over his entire bottom. He thought, "Golly", these gals really have it made.
Not yet satisfying his curiosity, he pressed the next button marked "W-A". The warm air dried his bottom completely. This he thought, was wonderful.
The button marked "P-P", when pressed, yielded a large powder puff which patted his behind lightly with scented perfume powder.
"Now", he thought, "For the last button".
Time passed and he was aware of nothing more until he awoke in the hospital. In a panic, he buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out "What happened? What am I doing here? The last thing I remember was being in the Ladies room aboard the plane."
The nurse replied, "So you were, but you were also cautioned about pressing any buttons on the wall.
You were doing great until you pressed the button marked "A-T-R", which stands for "Automatic Tampax Remover", so here you are and your penis is under the pillow." | |
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| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 6/22/2009 9:15:41 PM | Another oldie, out of the mouths of babes..... LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~
DEER MEAT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother
'Don't eat it, it's an ***hole.. | |
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