|
|
|
|
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 6/23/2009 11:57:50 AM | These groaners are from the mid-Nineties. Forwarded to me via fax from a friend who recieved it from someone in Tourism.
Being Canadian, and having to answer some ridiculous questions about Canada many times in the deep south of the US, I find extreme humour in this stuff........thus posting this in the "Joke" thread.
(I'll put my own personal favourite at the end)
QUESTIONS ABOUT CANADA
1) Q: (UK) I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
2) Q: (USA) Will I be able to see polar Bears in the street?
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
3) Q: (Sweden) I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto; can I follow the railroad tracks?
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, so take lots of water.....
4) Q: (Italy) It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver
A) Let's not touch this one.
5) Q: (UK) Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax?
A: What did your last slave die of?
6) Q: (USA) Can you give me information about Hippo racing in Canada?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North.......
Oh forget it..... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
7) Q: (USA) Which direction is North in Canada?
A: Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here for the rest of the directions.
8) Q: (UK) Can I bring cutlery into Canada?
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
9) Q: (USA) Can you send me the Vienna Boy's Choir schedule?
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ....
Oh forget it..... Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, straight after the Hippo races. Come naked.
10) Q: (Germany) Do you sell perfume in Canada?
A: No, We don't stink.
11) Q: (Italy) Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population?
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
12) Q: (Germany) Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan's. Milk is illegal.
13) Q: (USA) Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
A: All Canadian rattlesnakes are harmless and can be safely handled and make great pets.
14) Q: (USA) I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone who dares walk near them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before going out for a walk.
15) Q: (USA) Will I be able to speak English most places I go?
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Groan, groan, groan ..... 
My personal favourite ......... True story
I was eating in a Truck stop down in rural California, somewhere between L.A. and Phoenix and conversing with a middle-aged guy who had never even been to any of the northern States. He drove truck on an East-West dedicated run between Florida and California.
He asked me what I did with all the freight I hauled once I got to the border. I'm like....what do you mean?
He tells me that he's heard there weren't any roads in Canada due to 12 months of very harsh winter ........ how do I deliver my loads?
Ohhh, I get it........ (my true reply)
There are huge parking lots at the end of the road, right on the border. I meet with several Dog-sled teams, and we transfer the cargo onto the sleds depending on it's Canadian destination, and then off they go to deliver while I come south for more.
Not only did he believe me, he then asked me if cargo going to Alaska needed to be re-loaded onto trucks when it reached the Canadian - Alaska border?
I couldn't believe it. I can only imagine the conversation the next time he met a Canadian driver.
   | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 6/23/2009 3:00:05 PM | Subject: THE GOLFING NUN.......
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -5 40 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f _ _ _ 'n putt, didn't you?' | |
|
| |
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 7/16/2009 11:33:00 PM | | Do you know how to tell when your sisters having her period?... Your dads****tastes kinda funny. | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/13/2009 9:30:12 AM | | An American tourist and a newfie were standing on the ocean shore looking out across the water. The American says to the newfie..why do they scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat? The newfie replies..well if they fell the other way they would still be in the bloody boat. | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:17:58 PM | Three men married wives from different provinces. The first man married a woman from Ontario. He told her that she was to do the dishes and
housecleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Alberta. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Saskatchewan. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. | |
|
| |
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/16/2009 8:44:54 AM | Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble? "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing at our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/17/2009 7:15:30 AM | How'd the punk rocker cross the road?........stapled a chicken to his head.
How'd the chicken cross the road?........yep....stapled a punk rocker to his head.
You know what they say about men with big hands and feet.......their a clown!
When did ponnochio realize he was made out of wood?.......when his hand burst into flames. | |
|
| |
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/19/2009 3:14:49 PM | Words of Wisedom
Before marriage:Roses are red, sky is blue
you are beautiful, I love you
After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue
you are mt headaches,one day I'll kill you | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/20/2009 4:50:23 PM | A guy walks into a bar with a gorilla. He sits down and orders a beer.
In the meantime, the gorilla wanders over to the pool table and starts rolling the balls around. Suddenly, the gorilla grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it.
"HEY" the bartender exclaims! Your gorilla just swallowed the cue ball from my pool set!
The patron, obviously upset, offers to make amends. "I'm really sorry. I'll buy you a new cue ball."
The bartender says, "You don't understand. That's an antique set. It's not replaceable."
Guy offers; "Okay, I'll buy you a new cue ball AND a whole new set."
Frustrated, the bartender shouts; "You're not hearing me! That set is antique and CAN NOT be replaced!"
The patron stops and thinks, then says ...."OK, here's what I'll do. In a few days, the gorilla will pass the cue ball. I'll have it cleaned up, return it AND buy you a new set. Is that OK?"
The bartender reluctantly agrees.
In a few days, the guy returns to the bar with the gorrila, this time on a leash. True to his word, he hands over the antique cue ball AND a new pool set. He then orders a beer. The bartender seems happy.
In the meantime, the gorilla notices a bowl of peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sniffs it, reaches around and sticks it up his butt. He then pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender was disgusted. "That is the weirdest animal I have ever seen. Did you see what he just did?"
"Yeah," the patron offers, "Ever since he passed the cue ball, he measures everthing he eats." | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/23/2009 10:15:32 PM | just read AE post in another thread and it made me think of this one...Ok AE do you know why God put breasts on women..................
so men have something to look at while talking with them | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:31:40 PM | A variation on a joke from page one.
Your a bus driver driving a route for the first time
There are fifteen people on a bus..
Four get on at one stop, eight get off.
Next stop, three get one, but one decides it is the wrong bus and gets off.
Now if it's Thursday what is the name of the bus driver?
Check your license. | |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:31:17 PM | A Newfie, (a little man) was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American walks in.
As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
A bit later, the burly American gets up to go to the washroom, and as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar.
He walks up behind him and wacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a F**kin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire".
| |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:57:24 PM | A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!! | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 10/22/2009 4:09:29 PM | I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,
removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted. | |
|
| |
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:08:23 PM | With any luck, I won't repeat any oldie's.
CONFUCIOUS SAY:
- Virginity like balloon; one prick, all gone.
- Girl who marries detective, must kiss****
- Wife who put husband in dog house often find him in cathouse.
- Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
- Blonde girl have black hair by crackey.
- Girls should not marry basketball player .... he dribbles before he shoots.
- Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
- Those who cook carrots and peas in same pot not very sanitary.
- Kotex not best thing in world, but next thing to it.
- Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel down.
- Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all around town.
- Man who loses key to girl's apartment gets no new key.
- Woman who goes to mans apartment for snack may get titbit.
- Man who lays woman on ground gets peace on earth.
- Woman who spends much time on bedsping may have off spring.
- Passionate kiss like spiderweb ... leads to undoing of fly.
- Man and mouse alike ... both end up in ****.
- Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding the bag.
- Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.
- Man with holes in pockets feels****y all day.
- Husband who fights with wife all day gets no peace at night.
- Woman who dies virgin ... get laid in casket.
| |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:40:13 PM | DEFINITION OF POLITICS:
SON:
"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
DAD:
"Sure son, what's the question?"
SON:
"What is Politics?"
DAD:
"Well, let's take our home for an example.
I am the wage earner, so let's call me the MANAGEMENT.
Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE.
We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS, and your baby brother the FUTURE.
Do you understand?"
SON:
"I'm not sure Dad, I'll have to think about it."
That night the boy was awakened by his baby brothers crying. The boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously spoiled his diaper, the son went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maids room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boys knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy went back to his room and went back to sleep.
THE NEXT MORNING.........
SON:
"Dad, now I think I understand politics."
DAD:
"That's great son, explian it to me in your own words."
SON:
"Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of sh*t."
| |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:49:15 PM | I see I need to edit a bit ........ Might let me do it, might not.
<div class="quote"> CONFUCIOUS SAY:
- Girl who marries detective, must kiss****
- Man and mouse alike ... both end up in ****.
- Man with holes in pockets feels****y all day.
#1; ...... must kiss d*ck
#2; ..... both end up in p**sy
#3; ..... feels c*ckey
hope this helps
| |
|
| Old jokes that never die ...
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:49:01 PM | Time to try another .........
"THE UNION"
Four union workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was a "United Auto Workers" member who said his dog could do math calculation.
His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did no problem.
The "United Steel Workers" member said that he thought his dog was better.
His dog, named "Slide Rule", was told to fetch a dozen cookies and then bring them back and divide them into four piles of three, which Slide -Rule did with no problem.
The "Oil Chemical and Atomic Workers" member admitted that was pretty good, but he felt his dog was better.
His dog, named "Measure", was told to go get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three guys chuckled and agreed they all had pretty smart dogs. Still chuckling, they turned to the "Teamsters" member and (sarcastically) asked, "So, what can your dog do?"
The Teamsters member called over his dog, who was named "Coffee-Break". "Go show the fellows what you can do!"
Coffee-Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back, filed for Workman's Compensation and went home on sick leave.
| |
|
|
| Page 4 of 5
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
|
Home
login 
told to me by my 9yr old
