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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/11/2006 12:04:39 PM | and makes me cooler
This is one of the things I've found.. just sunk in. Some people do seem to hang out with me BECAUSE i'm in a chair, that is just so not cool. I'm not a chairity case, I'd rather you hang out with someone else than make a big deal outta me being in a chair and you're hanging with me and you're my friend. In clubs it can get bad. I dance for me, I don't need someone to dance with, etc. Some women come and dance 'with' me out of pity, their comments like "you're a good dancer, no matter what hun." No matter what?? excuse me? I don't care what I look like out there, I have fun. I was the same way able bodied, and no one danced with me out of freaking pity then. Or someone will try and push me, thinking I need help for some reason, and they're doing the 'good' thing, helping out a poor little cripple. I can take care of myself, thank you. I'd rather have anger at me than pity. I am NOT breakable or some small little helpless person that needs rescuing, and others are the good people for helping. I know I'm on a rant here, but this really p**ses me off, and mabie if I talk about it, there will be more awareness and less pity.
An offer of help is appreciated, not the assumption I need it. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/11/2006 12:46:25 PM | Codee---
If I may...
You gave the child who asked how you got into your truck a free pass--she was allowed to ask.
Why don't you give the guys in the bar who ask what happened to you the same free pass?
If the answer is personal, you can always lie.
I've rolled a mile in your wheels, if you will :)
I never wanted to be treated differently because of my handicap---and I don't think you do, either. You want to be treated like you were before your illness or accident.
But, if people dance around the subject of what is wrong with you like it is the elephant in the room no one is allowed to talk about, you won't be happy. And those people will be so nervous about saying the wrong thing, some of them will never talk to you.
So, show them the grace you showed that child, and let them ask what happened.
I'm sorry if that was too bold of me...but I really think it is the way to go.
PS--the people who open doors are just trying to be nice, same with the people who offer to push you. Just smile at them and say, "I'm ok, thanks."
PPS--you might get the breakable china doll treatment more than I did, because you are a young girl, and you are pretty. Try not to let it bother you. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/11/2006 2:42:54 PM | Are you in a wheelchair?!
Wheelchairs don't bother me. I live in a low income housing building with quite a few Senior Citizens.
My only concern is making sure someone doesn't ride over my toes... and yes, making sure I hold the door open for them, etc.
So far my exposure has mainly been seeing them in the lobby, or in events where everyone has been invited, downstairs.
I wouldn't let a wheelchair stand in the way of friendship. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/11/2006 2:49:07 PM | >>Are you in a wheelchair?!
If you're talking to me, no, but I had to ride motor chairs around the grocery stores and be on crutches the rest of the time for 6 months. Now I am on a cane.
If you're talking to the OP, yeah, she's a parapalegic. But I should let her tell you herself, pardon me, codee. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:58:00 PM | From msg 51: ["you're a good dancer, no matter what hun."]
You are a good poster no matter what hun.
Codee...You are too nice to say it so..........
these people who make these lame comments at people in wheel chairs or walking aids are f... morons. Honestly it is so condescending. The aren't mentally disabled. Every time I hear something like that I just look at the person in the chair and shake my head.
I was at a bar once where this guy in a chair joined us for drinks. My drink was done so I looked at him and said "Hey dude, get up and get me a beer"... He just laughed.
For f... sakes people stop being f... stupid.
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/12/2006 4:00:50 PM | Smith -
I just don't like my gibbleness being the only thing people are interested in, and want to talk about. I live with it 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. (I get the leap year day off LOL!) When I'm out at a pub, having fun with my buddies, the last thing I want to talk about is the story of how I got in a chair, Yes, it's really really rare, yes, it's sad, yes, it's weird, etc. etc. The child didn't try to dissect how I got in a chair, he accepted that fact. He just wondered how I did a certian thing. That's totally different. I am a whole person, Yes, I am in a wheelchair, it does not define me. I AM A WOMAN IN A CHAIR, NOT A CHAIR WITH A WOMAN IN IT. I don't mind at all when people I've hung around with for at least a couple hours ask me. Its when people I have no idea who they are, never met them, seem to need to know. What if I had just gotten diagnosed with an inoperable tumour on my spine?? I go out to forget about this contraption strapped to my ass, not to talk about it all damn night.
Also, to clarify another point, remember I said "I don't mind people asking if I need help, it's the ASSUMPTION I need help that bugs me." Holding doors is just something everyone wants to do to help me, I don't mind that. Simple things like that don't bug me. When I'm in safeway and someone decides because I'm going slow (just looking at stuff,) that I need help and starts pushing me. Well imagine it, I can't see behind me, I have one ab left that works so I can't just turn around. I don't know where I'm being taken, and at that time I was newley in a chair (like four months) so I didn't have the upper body strengh to do anything either. Imagine how vulnerable I felt.
And yes, I do say "I'm OK, thanks" to people if I feel like opening a door myself, and I do thank people when they do open a door or move so I can get by. Some how I don't see how you being on crutches for six months and using the electric scooters the grocery stores provide, and now using a cane makes you have "rolled a mile in my wheels." I am in a chair for the rest of my life. Imagine pulling up your pants when you can't move your legs, hips, lower back, and all but one ab. Did it take you 17 minuts to pull your pants up when you were on crutches? I can't use those grocery cart things, they don't have enough back support, I will tip over in them. I now need someone to push a cart for me. I need someone to drive me to and from the grocery store. How did you get from one seat to another? Imagine how I do. I have to wake up to roll over, to move my legs with my arms until I'm comfortable. And yes, there is a fair amount of pain. I don't want to belittle your disability, but you're giving me advice on something I know, and have been learning about for eight months solid. Crutches and wheelchairs are totally different, when my legs were going downhill at first I was on a cane, then crutches, walker, then wheelchair, so I have used every walking help thing there is.
I think sometimes I just feel like a car accident, people have this morbid curiousity about me and why I'm in a chair. I was a person that had friends and must have been somehow somewhat interesting before I was in a chair.
It bothers me when people treat me like a helpless five year old who's in her communion dress. I am an adult, I am 25 years old. I can think for myself, I've lived on my own since I was 17, and seen more shit than half the people twice my age. I want RESPECT as an adult. Ask ME what I want for dinner, instead of the waitress asking someone I'm with "and what's she having today?" If I'm in a store looking at stuff, treat me like an adult who has enough money to pay for what I'm purchasing. Stuff like that I think anyone, able bodied or gibbled, would get mad at.
Man I sound bitter. Like I say, I'm only like this when someone (or a couple people) say something that just hits me wrong. But I'm totally enjoying this debate!!! | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/12/2006 4:06:19 PM | P.S. I'm watching the football game with a buddy who was on crutches for six months - he says "You're comparing apples to oranges." He says, yes, it does suck, especially for half a year, but he also sees the way I'm treated by some ingorant public and the general frustraion of being in a chair, but it does not compare at all.
Like I say, I'm not undermining how bad it is to be on crutches or a cane, but I really feel it's not the same as everything an inch above your navel not working. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/12/2006 4:33:15 PM | I am really glad you asked this question, cause I had a not so great exchange with someone who apparently was in a wheelchair, too.
What I really like about your profile, is that you were up front about it. This other person baited me. First she did not mention it or show pictures of her in it on her profile. Then she initiated an exchange with me. I looked at her profile and decided on the merit of its content that I was not interested in anything except a platonic friendship. Then she starts to bait me with loaded questions, basically trying to set me up for the fact she really had a handicap and that I was biased against people like that. Well, I told her it didn't matter to me, as I have hung out with ppl of many kinds of handicaps (as stated in my profile) and that I considered them no different than anyone else, their handicaps happen to be physical compared to the rest of ours. She wanted to be dumped because of her handicap and could not accept that it was due to her personality or who she really was beyond her handicap. I let her know she was being too sheltered or that ppl were treating her with kid gloves. I treat everyone the same.
So, I really appreciate ppl to be honest. I reject any person who is dishonest or misleading with their profiles. There are so many out there that have way outdated photos, or misrepresent themselves in some other really obvious way. They do this for short term gain and wonder afterwards why noone continues to want to be know them.
When it comes to hanging with wheelchair-bound friends, I just make sure to call ahead and make sure the place or activity will accomodate them. I have worked at a great many places that will go out of their way to make sure they are ready as long as your friends or dates call in advance and let them know. It's no big deal. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/12/2006 10:50:38 PM | | LOL ultimo!! that truly is a person who blames their whole life on their physcial shortcomings. Able bodied people do it too, I think the disabled crowd is more obvious. Sometimes I'm mad at the world too, yes, because i'm in a chair, but I blame my being in a chair on it being tough to mop the floor, not why people don't like me. Everyone should be honest, not just about disabilities, but about life in general. I can't believe she baited you like that and hid the fact that she was disabled, please don't judge all of us on this one person's rediculias behavour. (ok, I really hope you all can read this - just sound it out when things are spelled wrong!!) It's so interesting hearing all these different expierences! | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/13/2006 8:58:16 PM | | I am so glad you finally responded to his posts codee! I was surprised he was comparing his crutches to your wheelchair. anyway, come to the BC pof events....come to our forum, we have fun over there! | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/13/2006 10:13:54 PM | To me the wheelchair in nothing more than if the person has red or brown hair. It really doesn't matter. So maybe it is more work in some ways but frankly it all boils down to what you are willing to put up with. I do not have a friend with a disablilty like a wheel chair but if something happened and one of them ended up in one ... He or she would still be my friend. There is no question of that.
As for maing new friends that are ... There is that same consideration. If I get along with the person and enjoy the time spent with them well damn rights I am going to do what I can to spend time with that person. It is that simple.
Whether it being a matter of folding the chair so it fints into my car or helping find transportation to a party it is all the same ... And I would do it for anyone regardless.
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/14/2006 8:14:18 AM | Hey there Codeegirl. I'm jspudotoole (aka Spud) I too am in a wheelchair and love that you started this thread. I don't usually have time to venture outside of the first page of the BC forums, but thanks to stormyRock, after reading up on her profile and havein a glance at some of her sponses to the last Five threads I came across the input she had on your thread and followed it to here. So, happy that I did. I tryed to messege you but restriction prevented that from happening.
But like stormy said, you should try and make it out to some of the local events that happen almost every weekend here in the Lower Mainland.
StormyRock is comming out to the POF Brunch that I host once a month in Surrey at a place called Fresgos. I would love it if you could make it out to one of the events, and or to one of the brunches that I have. The next one is this Sunday the 19th. And in general the third Sunday of every month. I hope to see you there one day soon.
I enjoyed the thread topic and all the response to it so far. And they have come from all over. Canada and the States. Awesome!   | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/14/2006 9:39:58 AM | Right now, I'm in the middle of getting ready to move at the end of the month, and I don't have a car that's useable yet. The BF and me are going to Sawbucks Dec 2 though, and that place is very chair friendly. Great washroom, same level smoking area, there's only one part we can't get to and that part sucks anyways ;) We usually go there every weekend so it'll be fun to see if I can meet anyone I've talked to on here!
And thanks guys for the support, I felt a bit bad when I kind of went off on a couple people :$ I'm glad that I tend to speak for more than just little opinoinated misspeller that I tend to be!!
I also love the different responses and the honesty of everyone. It's cool to see a variety of people's opinoins and thoughts, be they "negative" or positive. I love the debates this is starting!!! :up: | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/15/2006 8:53:45 PM | Girl, you need me to come upstairs and help you spell! lmoa your moving out on me i'm so hurt.
since being in a chair i have met a completely higher class of people. As one person here said, it was lack of knowledge that held her back, not fear of the chair..ok i paraphrase..loosly!
Before my injury i had friends in chairs, which helped me thru soooo much after my injury. hmm like throwing a blanket on me so i can get me a ham n' cheese croissant...
ok codeegirl..aka the girl upstairs, i found the thread. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/15/2006 11:21:12 PM | | hahaha, that's definitely not what I meant. But I can definitely see how it could have been misconstrued! I say she "makes me cooler" because she's SO adorable and has such great style and personality, she's so much fun, she's always the life of the party, she's got such a great sense of adventure, everyone loves her because she's just...WONDERFUL. Those are the reasons she "makes me cooler," certainly not because I'm somehow cooler because I'm friends with someone in a wheelchair! haha... I would never, ever have that kind of attitude. But you guys don't know me from Adam, so I can see how that would be misunderstood. Sorry! :) | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/15/2006 11:40:10 PM | ROCKSTAR PARKING!!! That alone is worth it!
2 of my goodfriends are on wheels, they get around faster then I do, it is unfair We quad, go sledding boating.. They are people too. Just leave a stick in your truck so they can drive you home once in awhile!! | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:34:14 PM | Brunette -
Thanks, I was hoping you didn't mean it that way!! I maybie a leeeeeetle sensitive to certian things I'm discovering idoit public tends to do. I'm glad to get the word out there though, mabie it'll make some people think about it!
And yes, I definatly get the primo parking!! I love going right to the front and sliding into the best spot!! I don't really need the closness, but we do need the wider space to get me out and curb cuts nearby. My BF drives the biggest redneckest truck, the top of the wheels are eye hight for me. You should see the looks we get!!! LMAO!!
The best part - went to the PNE right before halloween, and I was allowed on the corkscrew, and we bypassed the line!! rock on!! | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/19/2006 4:24:11 PM | | Being in a wheelchair myself, the biggest problem I have is my friends FORGETTING about the chair. Suggesting places that really arn't accessible, and then here them saying " Oh sorry guy I forgot you can't get in there. Your right though OP parking spots are great especially when pulling up in a Hummer. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/19/2006 5:54:06 PM | | If someone has to think of an answer for that.. well they are not ready or mature enough to have a true friend... Well to be truely honest my first response would be to that person thinking about that question.. get a life and dont be such a dumb ass! what you see is what you get and the strength as well as knowledge that handicapped person has learned and experianced well would make most of us humble... | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/22/2006 1:12:33 AM | | Hello i put a thread in here that involved dating people in wheelchairs and someone sent me a message saying that i shouldnt have made my thread cause this one is here. Im glad that person directed me to this thread cause i have a couple things to say about somethings wrote on here. First of all finding friends for me hasnt been to difficult i guess ive been lucky and found some really nice people who dont have a problem with my disability or the chair. Second of all for the most part when i comes to meeting new people in some places i do get the odd funny look like people are thinking what is that and why is he in it. I dont mind if people ask me about how i got in the wheelchair, I was born this way i have Spina Bifida. The problems i have are when i go to a bar and people say to me that its good to see me out and about, like im suppose to just sit at home and feel sorry for myself not likely. Another problem i came across was when i was in highschool i went to a local waterslide place at the front where you pay they assumed that i would be in the kiddy pool cause im in the chair and yes they told that to me so im not just making assumtions myself thank you very much, well i told them that i wanted to go on all the other slides they were more fun and after arguing with the lady for a few minutes she finally agreed to let me go on those slides. I just get so aggrovated that people think cause im in a chair that i cant do things that others can, I play hockey and use to play basketball im just as able as everyone else i just do things in a chair. | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/22/2006 1:16:12 AM | If it makes you feel any better, I'd have a harder time hanging out with you because you smoke more than anything else.
But yeah, you seem pretty cool. The chair wouldn't even be an issue with me and imagine why it would with anyone.
For that matter, you're really pretty and seem like a lot of fun, so I can't imagine I wouldn't even want to ask you out. Forget all the friends stuff ;) | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/22/2006 10:59:50 AM |
The problems i have are when i go to a bar and people say to me that its good to see me out and about, like im suppose to just sit at home and feel sorry for myself not likely.
Totally, I get that at clubs and pubs a lot too. The "good for you for coming out" with a pat on the shoulder and a condesending look. I think we should make everyone in a chair go out as much as possible so people get used to it!!! We'll go to all the accessable places and kidnap them... we'll tie a rope from chair to chair like a train, and pull everyone with a truck. It'll be like a parade!! Yes, it's good that we're out, not at home crying over what live has done to us, but doesn't EVERYONE have a sad story? Yes, ablebodies and gibbles alike sometimes fall into the self-pity world pit, but our story isn't any sadder or more tragic than other people's. Our's is just more visable.
I don't mind people not wanting to hang around a smoker, same as if they're weirded out about being in a chair, its just personal choice. Some people mabie haven't had someone with a disability in their world, so they're not sure what do do/ how to deal with it. It's just personal choice and prefrence. I mainly wanted to see various people's ideas/reactions with this thread, and it is very interesting so far!! | |
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| friends in wheelchairs - is the extra work worth it??
Posted: 11/22/2006 1:09:58 PM | | HELL YES, the wheelchair makes no difference in weather I am friends or not with them, or my dedication to them. Its all about the person. I have a friend in a wheel chair, and we do alot of outdoor stuff; camping, 4x4in, all that kinda stuff, and unfortunately he's got muscular distraphy, so it can make things frustrating for him at times, but we all work together as a team to overcome obstacles and make sure everyone is having a good time. The nice thing is he can maintain a sense of humor through his frustrations, and all our friends are extremely supportive to his limitations while ensuring he has the chance to experience all the possibilities as much as possible. He is an asset to our group, and his company is equally valued as much as anyone elses. The wheel chair doesn't become an issue, infact I never thought of it until you mentioned this question. | |
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