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 Wiyan
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 226
Verbal AbusersPage 10 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
advice from the bookworm lol-You might find 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans helpful
 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 227
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Verbal Abusers
Posted: 9/6/2009 4:25:49 PM
^^^^^ I agree, this is an extraordinary book for anyone who has been the victim of verbal abuse.

I also recommend it to anyone like me who has been subjected to personal attacks on the forums from sick strangers who enjoy attacking people who post here.
I get attacked for being 56 all the time here whenever I post something!

The bottom line is, that terribly insecure people try to make themselves feel more important by attacking others.
 forumologist
Joined: 2/23/2008
Msg: 228
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 12/13/2009 10:53:14 PM
Trust is earned.. and when it comes to an abuser forgiveness is earned also.. From one who has been there and survived that.. Those who have not experienced it have no right to discuss forgiveness, or pontificate upon the matter..


I'm more than willing to forgive anyone anything as long as they are genuinely sorry. Not sorry they got caught, not sorry for themselves. Sorry that they genuinely feel guilt and remorse and wish to undo the wrong they have done and know deeply is truly their responsibility.

Here's the snag.

This self observation rarely comes from an habitual abuser. Regardless, even if they are the type to feel deep remorse afterwards that's even more scary because what it means is that they are addicted to the rush of their outbursts and cannot control their emotional outbursts despite deeply wanting to.

Either way, you and a relationship with them are hooped.

That's what victims of abuse that stay too long, have a hard time realising. They are generally good people who think they owe it to forgive every time someone says sorry. They think they should not expect anyone to be perfect. That's what they say to themselves. No people are not perfect but there is a limit to the imperfections you should accept. Murderers are not perfect but would you want to be close to one. Is it reasonable to be close to one???

That's one of the ways the cycle goes around and around. All the goody goody belief systems that make people vulnerable...but not really good. There's nothing good about being bad to yourself. And letting abusers stomp over your rights is not taking care of yourself. If you beleive in god then you know you were given to yourself in this life to take care of yourself. That is your sacred responsibility. If you don't believe in god then chalk it up to plain common sense. You don't owe it to anyone to keep them company when they make you miserable, no matter how much they want and need you. Another trap is sneaky abuse you can't prove and you believe you should ignore your gut and your screaming intuition and the little clues and give them the benefit of the doubt. But really, when it comes to your gut there is no doubt. But your insitence that you ignore your gut to benefit the abuser is what they recognise and exploit. They know you doubt yourself and feel OBLIGED to trust them if you can't prove their guilt. This is a confidence trickster.

These are all beliefs that keep people trapped. That and other factors such as financial dependence and kids.

Good luck to everyone out there that has been vulberable, preyed on and suffered. The experience can make you stronger. All you have to do is learn and share your lessons so that perhaps you can prevent someone else falling into the same trap. Then in some crazy way it was worth something after all.
 strgzr2691
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 229
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 12/14/2009 7:19:55 PM
["As for why people abuse? I don't think anyone can answer that question...there are probably thousands of 'reasons' why people do it. They can justify it in their minds, for whatever reason. "]

I disagree. People know exactly what they are doing, and don't care. They do it out of jealousy, fear, need for control, fear of falling short, deep roots of inferiority, improper training and rearing, lack of knowledge that there is a better way of relating to others with an unwillingness to change or admit it, ignorance, plain old meaness and taking pleasure in hurting people, lack of trust, believing lies and fantasies i.e. their significant other is cheating when it isn't even happening, so I guess a little bit of schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, full blown schizophrenia, anti-social personality type, drugs, alcohol, hiding criminal tendencies or criminal behavior, a need to keep ones secrets secret, inability to be emotionally available due to all of the above. So yes what you said .. "thousands of reasons"; but mostly because they are evil and bad and should be locked up and spanked; no not really, they need love, love, love. Most will respond to love, if they don't then yes they are evil and should be locked up! Not really. But maybe. I still think 90% know what they are doing and why. Only because 90% won't ever go get help to change. They are alright in thier minds and everyone else is wrong to them. I think. Hmmm.
 xemilystrangex
Joined: 10/11/2009
Msg: 230
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Verbal Abusers
Posted: 12/15/2009 9:21:40 AM
Verbal abuse definately has the potential to create lasting emotional scars. the first intimate relation ship i was in was with a man whose "pet name" for me was dumb slut (i had been a virgin before him). There were various other insults and comments which i've mostly blocked from my memory. To be honest i still feel shame for putting up with it until he eventually just stopped calling. He did have his "nice" moments, but in general the experience was humiliating. First time we had sex, he pulled the condom off, laughed in my face and asked "do you want to frame this?"....i know what i'm gonna hear from you guys...that it should have been the last time as well, but i was young and naive...still am in many ways.
 xemilystrangex
Joined: 10/11/2009
Msg: 231
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Verbal Abusers
Posted: 12/15/2009 9:38:38 AM
Verbal abuse definately has potentional to create lasting emotional scars. The first intimate relationship I was in was with a guy whose pet name for me was dumb slut (i had been a virgin before him). I've tried to block out a lot of the painful memories, but sometimes i still feel ashamed of myself for putting up with it until he finally just stopped talking to me altogether. He did have his "nice" moments, but overall the experience was incredibly painful and humiliating. The first time we had sex, he pulled the condom off laughed in my face and asked "Do you want to frame this?". I know what everyone will say..."It should have been the last time as well". I know that now, but i was young and naive...*sigh* still am in a lot of ways....
 xemilystrangex
Joined: 10/11/2009
Msg: 232
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Verbal Abusers
Posted: 12/15/2009 9:42:04 AM
Crappolla. i had no intentions of posting twice. i had to retype that whole thing because i thought something went wrong...besides my luck in relationships. apologies! i guess that's wha i get for trolling message boards on my phone while i'm sposed to be working.
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 233
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 12/15/2009 6:41:32 PM
op, abuse is one of the few reasons i advocate leaving a relationship. in general, i feel if you've made a commitment, then stick with it. very few exceptions, but this is one of them. most people divorce for what are essentially trivial reasons...and usually reflect poor values, self-centeredness, and lack of basic decency. abuse, however, falls into a separate realm. just walk...no, run!
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