| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 4:33:03 PM | That's the problem Bestkept... you are changed forever! It's not a war it's a control issue with the abuser. He wants you in a quivering mass on the floor.. Too scared to answer the phone, to afraid to answer the door. The sleep deprivation is another matter. You can't just walk out of the room when they start their rant. Sometimes it's five minutes sometimes it five hours. Try sleeping when someone is standing over you screaming at you.
My lovely abuser would put tape on the screen door, or sticks in the opening of the door. If the tape was broken or the sticks gone I would have to hear hours of screaming rants of accusations about who I cheated with.. Forget having a job because having money ment you had the power to leave. Try stashing change away for an emergency.. He'd find it in any place you hid it.
Before we married he was the most charming man I had ever met, knew all the right things to say, did all the right things.. My first clue should have been when suddenly all my friends and all our friends were no longer welcome in our home. Our apartments kept getting smaller and in nastier locations. He would make so much noise screaming at me that we would have to move, he feared the police being called. The thing that finally made me run.. I had caught on to the tape and stick in the door, as he was leaving for work I opened the door and waved goodbye to him and laughed.. That night he took me for a ride in the country with is pistol sitting on the seat between us.. So.... yep you are changed whether you want to be or not, whether you have counselling or not.. I am oh so cautious, oh so unwilling to step in blind. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 4:53:01 PM | Yes both are the same in the end!!
I lived through them both and I will
never get in that position again..
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 6:22:44 PM | sobeit...is he out of your life right now?
I'm in unfamiliar territory here, so bare with me... there must be support for you somewhere...a self-defence class with women who are in it? Hopfully you will find others who may have retrieved some sense of power back.
I am so sorry you had to go through all that...Man! I wish there was something I could do.
edit...I went through all kinds of crap with my father..It took years to get to the place I am in now, but it does not compare with your experience. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/7/2006 6:50:23 PM | | I have a girlfriend that was mentally abused until it escalated to physical abuse and one time he went to far and she ended up in the hospital for 6 weeks on an I. V. she has never been the same since she left the hospital it's like something inside her died | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/8/2006 5:56:25 PM | | I also have an abuser in my life, I want him out of my life so much it hurts... Last night he took my only car that I had it took me 6 months to save for that car. he also took my sisters cell phone from her house last night... what can I do to get these things back with out calling the police??? before he took my car he pushed me out of the car while he was driving about 10mpr I have scrapes and cuts on my arms and back...I know I have to give this to God above but I hurting inside over this abuse.... | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/8/2006 7:41:01 PM | Really need some serious advice in this thread! Hippienation...please bow out....it's not all about you and how right you think you are now!
ladymaria....get a hold of and abuse hotline or shelter or something to get the help you need.
I hope those who know what to do will chime in here and give their advice! Please... | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/8/2006 8:19:15 PM | Bruises, black eyes and split lips heal. Words (stupid, ugly, useless, worthless) become a mantra and can be etched indelibly into your mind, even when the logical side of you knows it's not true.
Verbal abuse beats away at your self-esteem, and has the power to affect every part of your life, even after the abusive relationship has been abandoned.
Physical, emotional and verbal abuse are often tied in together - all are damaging, and I personally don't think it's a comparable quantity (one more so than the other) - it depends on too many factors. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/9/2006 4:05:20 AM | | He will never win as I am happy and dont need to control anyone and he is angry and miserable. I have lots of lovely friends too but its hard to date as this man tries to stop me and make my life hell if I am happy | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/9/2006 4:34:45 AM | Yes, I've been verbally abused by my husband for a long time.
At least I know I do not deserve it and it's not my fault.
He has depression and mood swings and often acts childish, pushing me away farther all the time. He refuses to get treatment for the depression. So I just put up with it.
Not only that, I'm verbally abused by my 17 year old son. he will tell me to "shut up", I'm "stupid', "retarded", ect.
He has physically abused me as well, beating me with his fist.
One time when I was in the store the cashier asked what had made the ugly bruises on my arm. Ashamed to tell her the truth, I lied and said I slipped and fell.
I did not want anyone to know my own child did that to me.
And once, when I went to the doctor, I had bruises on my legs where my son kicked me.
I had to lie again, too ashamed to tell the truth.
No, my husband never did anything about my son's verbal and physical abuse. He doesn't care.
If you are wondering what makes my son so abusive, he does not like to be shown affection.
I can kiss him or touch him and he will go off, so I stopped that. When I tell him he his a handsome boy he will tell me to shut up and I'm stupid.
Well, it came to a head one day. After being beaten by my son, I called the cops. They came
and got him. They asked what was his excuse for treating his mother like that. He just said, "She gets on my nerves." The cops told him he should be ashamed that he treats such a loving mother like that. They did an investigation and found I was telling the truth and discovered I was indded a good loving mother.
They got a court order for my son to go to therapy/ counseling.
Well, now he no longer physically abuses me but he continues to verbally abuse me.
I know when I pass away all that will come back to haunt him.....
So this is what brought me to POF. I'm glad I did, you people are great.
Sorry this was so long; but talking about it makes me feel better.
Feels good to vent....  | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/9/2006 5:20:52 AM | I was raised in an abusive family. I married an abusive man. My son (to my knowledge) did not become an abuser, rather has been in relationships where he was abused. He later had to deal with drug addictions. I had to go into a women in jeopardy program and received counciling while there. Best thing that could have ever have happened to me.
A few years ago, I met a very gentle man who had a garden and lived in the woods. A kind of hippie sort of fellow. I thought I would be so happy with him. After two years I finally woke up to the signs of being abused (what I learned in my counciling). I could not even look at myself in the mirror. I realized I was being emotionally and verbally abused in such a subtle manner that it was like being slashed by a very sharp razor. It still took another year to leave.
I am now a much happier person. I have learned that if a relationship does not uplift you and help you to become your highest and best self...if there is any feeling of worthlessness being instilled in you.......LEAVE. JUST TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT THE DOOR.
Do no let it escalate to the point you and/or anyone depending on you (such as your child) are in physcial danger. If it has reached that level, THEN DEFINITELY LEAVE QUIETLY FIRST CHANCE YOU GET. LEAVE EVERYTHING THERE BUT YOUR BODY AND/OR YOU CHILDS..LEAVE!
No one deserves to be brow beaten by the ones who "love" them.
As to HippieNation....I'm not really sure what has happened to cause you to be deleted. I only know and am concerned with some of the posters here who are lost in that fog caused by the ones who they intrusted their hearts with.
There is help...but you need to take the first step. Don't wait to be saved. Save yourself. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/9/2006 5:47:11 AM | I've been in both physical and verbally abusive relationships and they both hurt just as bad as eash other.
PHYSICAL ABUSE - Yes the cuts & bruises go away but the memory of the physical abuse NEVER goes away.
VERBAL ABUSE - This can destroy you bit by bit until you think that perhaps you are as bad as they are saying. A guy I was with made me drive my car with him sitting next to me prodding my head with his finger to make ME keep saying I'm a f***ing psyco c**t. I had to keep repeating it for a half hour journey. I got to thinking that yes I am a horrible nasty person and I didn't deserve to be loved by anyone but now I'm out of the relationship I've realised that I am a good, kind person and if I did do something to upset anyone it ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE A PIECE OF S**T ON THEIR SHOE!!!
You have to remember that no-one is perfect and people will slip up and upset their partner for whatever reason but if someone wants to verbally or physically abuse you for this rather than calmly talking over the situation you need to GET OUT of that relationship. Run away as fast as you can and DON'T look back hoping they will change. I always like to see the good in people so I do believe that if THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEIR BEHAVIOUR then with loads of hard work it could be possible but they have to want to do it for themselves and put in 110% effort.
Good luck
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| Verbal Abusers are you
Posted: 11/9/2006 6:20:15 AM | hahahaahah you actually cited wikipedia. Nice work champ. The university you attended must have had pretty low standards if that is the best you can conjure.
You don't argue better than anyone I have seen here. What use is a great argument if it contains no factual basis. I have a degree in criminology. That means that unlike you, I actually have some idea what I am talking about in regards to the issue. It also means I have qualifications that are actually useful and make me money. But yes, I will grant you you are probably more adept at articulating nothing whatsoever of substance if that makes you feel any better.
But just keep smoking away champ, I am sure you make sense to yourself, even if the rest of us are just laughing at you.
Who was this meant for? | |
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| Verbal Abusers secret stash
Posted: 11/9/2006 9:46:19 AM | so anyway, I hope you all are able to find someone to help you make the first and sequential steps to find your way to becoming your authentic selves again (although altered from before)...after you have become stronger you will be able to take the next steps to free yourself over any hold the abuser had on you.
As mention a couple times by one who is not "seeing" the whole picture, forgiveness will release you as you grow stonger..... but can not come before you working on your own strength.
In this case, putting the cart (forgiveness) before the horse (your personal healing) does not work.
I say a prayer for all of you every night that you may find the strength and abilility to find your confidence once again, (or even for the first time). | |
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| Verbal Abusers are your real best friends
Posted: 11/9/2006 1:52:41 PM | The problem with Wikipedia is
a thing called disambiguation.
geez, never heard of it before I started
using Wikipedia, LOL
It is a really interesting site but any
person can go in and edit and add
on to almost any page.
So the article your reading might
have been done by any one that did
not even have the remotest qualifications
to do and article or they went in and
added on to an article that was written
by a (for lack of a better word) professional.
I am putting the link of what I am talking
about in this post for you so you can
see for yourself.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Disambiguation
I like going there and looking around
but I don't trust the information there
very much. What is nice is it will take
you to many differant links to many differant kinds of thinking.
I think this is what the other poster
meant when he said Wikipedia is not
a good place for solid facts.
There are so many people here that have
gotten hurt by abuse. I am sorry you
all had to go through this too.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Disambiguation | |
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| Verbal Abusers are your real best friends
Posted: 11/9/2006 3:00:13 PM | Wiki can be edited by anyone, certainly. But it's a self correcting system. People who notice errors will correct them. It may suffer from disambiguation as you say, but that doesn't mean it's innaccurate. But don't take my word for it. Here's a BBC article on the accuracy and content of the Wikipedia.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/4530930.stm | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/9/2006 3:11:10 PM | | Can we get back on topic now? | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/9/2006 5:25:33 PM | | Yes bestkept, that was many years ago.. I was able to get out after six months.. Don't think I would be alive must longer after that if I had stayed. But in six months he changed how I look at men, and life, really to this day.. I went on to marry a wonderful man but as I said in my previous post I do not step in blind.. How I managed to find someone who got around the brick wall I built I will never know.. I cant bring myself to read hippies verbal diarrhea so I wont.. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/9/2006 6:19:00 PM | sobeit...I am so happy you had found someone wonderful!
If you could add anything you could say to others who are going through this hell now, it would help...like, how did you find your way out, for example.
I know verbal often turns into physical. Both are sick bullies. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 4:58:04 AM | BestKept...
I honestly don't know how I managed to get the strength to leave.. Inner survival mode? The fact that we didn't have any children really helped!!! I think if I had had children it would have been much harder. Looking in the mirror and seeing a size 0? I was physically ill from the stress, lost so much weight. My landlady in the last dump with paper thin walls knew what was going on. Heard me crying in my kitchen after he had left to go to work, and talked to me thru the wall. She called my brother for me after I gave her the number.. He took the phone to work with him every day.. I think it was headed for physical abuse.. I was so young then and easy prey to someone like him..
Honestly I think everyone should have a secret stash of money in case of emergencies, a secret bank account that does not send you statements would help. Most of the time these types of abusers rush you into marriage.. So my advice to anyone would be to take their time, get to know that person very well, because an abuser has to move fast.. You will certainly see signs if he has to maintain that charming facade for too long. If after a year no abuse happens then you can use that money for a vacation or something | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 8:08:14 AM | I'll answer it...
First...we'd have to agree that people have emotional NEEDS just like they do physical.
Your philosophy as I understand it suggests that people do NOT have emotional needs.
Some people believe that...I'm not one of them. Can a human being physically exist without their emotional needs being met? Technically yes, but the result is hardly what one would call a functional human being.
I also believe that one of our very basic instincts, call it a "soft" survival instinct (strength in numbers???), is our need to be accepted by others. If we find physical safety with another person then it is logical to accept that one might seek to find emotional safety with another person also.
What I and others call intimacy.
To have positive turn to complete negative from the person you feel most intimate with is very confusing, painful thing to our body. In a different but arguably parallel way.
Basically, if you break it down to wholeness = physical needs + emotional needs, accepting that both are dependant on positive or negative stimulus... then it's very easy to see that all stimulus is equal to the equation. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 11:24:38 AM | | You get to where you wish they would just beat you. The pain goes away faster. Words have just as bad affect on you as the actual pysical abuse. Words get you in the emotional and mental too. None of it will ever go away. You move on and it goes with you always. I could tell you horror stories. But I really try to think about something else when it comes to mind. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 11:34:56 AM | Abusive behavior is behavior designed to subjecate the victim. It almost always is men abusers (Psyc class).
Verbal Abuse over time sometimes goes over the line and escalates to Physical Abuse during the cycle of abuse. Why a cycle? Because the abuser uses you to vent his anger!
The arguments of an abuser are not designed to solve issues - they have no solutions.
There is no logic and reasoning. They have no good will towards you and you can't believe they don't! They say they love you - but this is not LOVE!
VERBAL ABUSE
Overt verbal abuse (through angry outbursts and name- calling) abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. ( you..you..you)
Covert verbal abuse, covert (involving
very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing. There are many categories of verbal abuse.
The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way but be abusive in nature.
Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.
Recognizing you are being abused, played with, is the first step - most women are looking for the grain of truth behind his behavior! They do not have good will towards you!
Why abuse?
An abuser quoted in a book I read was "because I could"!
All the more reason to say STOP and walk away or say
"I will not be talked to like that" or
"That will not work anymore".
Call them on all occurrence, if you feel safe!
Written by someone who is currently in a relatinship with a man who I did stop from
verbally abusing me - It is extremely rare to stop them!
Physical Abusers have one thing in common - they all have low IQs get away from them. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 11:52:30 AM | I was treated like that by one of the men on POF. he led me down a primrose path and then let me have it. I am a vulnerable widow and it just about killed me. It took 2 friends,and sleeping for 23 hours to begin to get over that episode. He did get kicked off of POF.
But there are all kinds. People are especailly vulnerable on the internet thats why it is so important to be careful when and where you meet someone. Always be careful.
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 3:16:27 PM | Emotions and feelings are something that we decide to experience, they are games we play with each other as mammals. They are optional. It's often when we decide that these games mean something more that we go insane - manifesting in anger, depression, and fear. We have no need of them, they serve only to hinder us.
My only reservation with the gaming analogy [Homo Ludens?] is that the seas may be fraught with uneven dangers, no fault of one's own. The Shark and its Victim are, I suppose, caught in a macabre pas de deux...only one is doing the eating!
Yet, as a strategy for personal liberation, I unequivocally concur with hippieNation on the Power of Forgiveness.
Those on this thread who are so quick to dismiss him would do well to consider 'The Amish Model' rather than trotting out the platitudes of so much 'Professional Therapy'.
Peace, indeed.
JH
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 4:31:10 PM | | Was married to a guy (for a short while) who became verbally abusive when he was drunk.. Which became more and more frequent! I didnt give him time to destroy my self esteem.. I left him and never looked back!!! | |
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