Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Verbal Abusers      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 SOBEIT19
Joined: 10/15/2006
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers Page 3 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
When you forgive a verbal abuser you give him permission to continue.. They don't seek help because according to them there is nothing wrong with them.. it's all YOU.. Trust is earned.. and when it comes to an abuser forgiveness is earned also.. From one who has been there and survived that.. Those who have not experienced it have no right to discuss forgiveness, or pontificate upon the matter..
 EpisodeIV
Joined: 6/28/2006
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 4:45:15 PM
I have been subjected to verbal abuse and... death threats. And now, in "the system" I'm being made out to be the bad guy. The irony is very distressing. Had it not been for a child and the fear that the abuse would have turned on him I would have gotten out. Instead I stayed and took the abuse not realizing until recently the toll it has taken on me.

So I guess you can say, I have some baggage?

Perhaps the worse thing right now is that most people, almost all people, don't believe it can happen to a man. Because of that I am finding the situation can be particularly difficult. I've even had one person say, "Don't say that" when I tried to explain what I've been through and how it has affected me. In some ways I am just getting a better sense of how it has affected me.

I don't blame women in general. I believe the abuser was a special case. I want to believe that anyway. But I do find myself particularly sensitive to certain situations and behaviors. I figure if I do eventually find someone within the range of my "ideal," not even near an exact fit, I'll be doing exceptionally well.

I'm still fishing!
 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 53
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 4:47:44 PM
Forgive? No problem. Forget? Not on my life! My verbal abuser that I was with for three years is a very close neighbor. We all share in the garden expenses and the harvest of the garden he has designed and plants and works in. We work side by side. He has been to my house to eat. Sure I forgave the drunken sot.

Then, sometimes he comes around and gets kinda teary eyed cause no one understands him like I do...and I've hung around in the neighborhood longer than any other female he has ever been with (we live in an intentional community). When he does that teary eyed thing I want to throw up, cause I know his verbal abuse will begin with the next beer. It happened again this last wednesday night...and I have witnesses.

I won't ever forget.
 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 54
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 4:52:44 PM
Oh, Episode...it happens all the time to men. I've seen so many women brow beat and deride their men in public as well as at home. It appauls me to see humans treat fellow humans like that. No one deserves that. Like I said before...just get up and walk out the door. "Don't like my big ass...then get a good gander 'cause this is the last time you'll see it as its walking out your door."
 best kept secret
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 55
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 4:53:23 PM
Most here have not rebuked the power of forgiveness!
What "h" & jurgen are not understanding, is that the "place" where an abused person 'is', does not allow for the "next step" in healing, which is forgiveness, until they gain some of their self-control back.

Why that is a difficult thing to understand, is amazing to me...

It is truly a "step process" and if you can't see that, then you are not capable of understanding "healing" let alone having it explained to you.
 JurgenH
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 56
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 5:05:01 PM
Which "Place"? [The quote marks are indeed at the crux] Which Steps? Whose Path?
 Woodstar
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 57
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 5:16:12 PM
She is referring to the Twelve Step program they use in AA. People who have been with any kind of an abuser are usually codependant personalities. There is a twelve step program for codependent people. Its called Codependants Annoynomous...or CODA. I took part in the program for about a year. It was very helpful to learn when to do that famous "walk away...just walk away" thing I have mentioned.
 miss_claudia
Joined: 7/1/2006
Msg: 58
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 5:16:24 PM
Sorry, but I cant forgive someone who treats me like the dirt on the bottom of his shoe.. No matter how many times he apologizes.. Which is everytime he does it, and promises not to do it again... No person, or animal should have to be subjected to any kind of abuse, physical or verbal.. I have seen dogs who are basket cases because someone abused them.. The men who are talking about forgivness are probably abusers themselves!!
 best kept secret
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 59
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 5:52:36 PM
Which "Place"? [The quote marks are indeed at the crux] Which Steps? Whose Path?


My, you're a deep one.



She is referring to the Twelve Step program they use in AA.


Not necessarily, although I see where it would do good...just help with the process from abuse counseling is a good first step.
 rac917
Joined: 10/14/2006
Msg: 60
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 6:00:42 PM
YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT !!!!! I THINK ABOUT THIS EVERY DAY. WHEN IT COMES TO MIND, I TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. IT WAS VERY UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL. NO I DIDN'T MAKE HIM DO THE THINGS HE DID. I HAVE NOTHING TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR. NOBODY'S FAULT??????? HE KNEW VERY WELL WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE BEAT ME AND TRIED TO KILL ME AND SCREAMED ALL KINDS OF HORRIBLE THINGS AT ME. FORGIVE HIM????? MAYBE IN TIME. BUT 12 YEARS IS A LONG TIME, SO IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME TO FORGIVE. Afterwards he would say he loved me and that I made him do all the things he did to me. To please forgive him and he'd never do it again, even would go and get help. You have no idea, until you have walked a mile in my shoes.
 xodara
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 61
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 6:10:25 PM

Covert verbal abuse, covert (involving
very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing. There are many categories of verbal abuse.

The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way but be abusive in nature.
Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.


It's funny how you can read into almost anything and see if the way you need to see it, when you need it most.
 Rdr121
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 62
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 6:42:55 PM
If I had to go through another bad relationship with both verbal and abusive, I would personally take the verbal part over physical abuse any day.

I once lived through an abusive relationship and it took me 3 years to get away from my abuser, after I finally broke things off and started to live, I had to drop out of school, because he stalked me and harassed me, and then it got so bad, that my parents had sent me away to stay with a member of my familly in another province...but anyways, when I finally went home, I had no friends left, because he had turned everyone against me, so I lived there for another year, and then moved here to NB, where I dont find the men half as bad, but do tend to find alot of childesh men, who have not grown as much!LOL

anywho, now that Im living in NB, I got to move into a womens abusive house to learn how to live strong again, without the abuse...I just wish that I had of been a little older at the time, because maybe I would have lived to learn more, but now that Im older I look back and think...wow...Im alive, and he never killed me!

I wish I just could help people my age, not fall into the same relationships...anyways, I hope I have answered the abusive questions!
 shiloh444
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 63
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:19:34 PM
Verbal and physical abuse are two diiferent issues but stem from the same abusive individual,verbal and mental abuse is a horrible thing ,the words that come out of ones mouth is oh my god phenominal they are demeaning and hurtful and stay with you forever yet with time and the right ears and the right eye's this too fades with lots of patience and assurance,physical abuse is the beating and bruises the control to which one is in charge of the weakest yet this person is the biggest form of slime and evil put on this earth,but in time the scars heal and the pain subsides again with patience and understanding from the kindest soul whom God put on this earth,No man or woman has this right to hurt another whether tis a friend ,wife,husband,or child or parent,noone has the right to condemn,Only God has the right to either condemn or forgive those whom want forgiveness,its the abuser whom shall never shine and the weakest will always move ahead and rise and shine and if others care then the friendship and kindness will also shine,For mine eye,s have seen this and heard this and mine eye,s will never ever again want this,and mine eye,s and ears and kindness of doors shall always be open to those whom want to talk about it,
chin up and never walk alone
shiloh
 JurgenH
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 64
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:32:11 PM
The men who are talking about forgivness are probably abusers themselves!!

I'll forgive that libelous statement, miss_Claudia.

To hippieNation:

How often is one shark the “victim” of another shark? In those cases would it be too much of a stretch to call one shark berserk – i.e. insane – and the other simply the unfortunate victim of circumstances, not malice or evil.

In respect of my Shark-Victim analogy...I was thinking less in terms of two Sharks going at it than the gobbling of the innocent swimmer. Perhaps we come from different philosophical Traditions:My commments were directed at broader power relations -- beyond the verbal, or philosophy even.

As for the Amish...well... those good people of Lancaster County might be on to something (recent actions having therapeutic effect, if not having engaged 'Therapy' modernly understood ) that all of us --Academics or not --can grasp. I can think of no more poignant expression of the Power of Forgiveness than theirs.

As someone who lists philosophy as one of their interests you may appreciate reading Epictetus, specifically, the Enchiridion:
http://home.nvg.org/~aga/stories/enchiridion.html

I'm rusty on my Ancients. I appreciate the reference.

BTW: I salute Rdr121.

JH
 shiloh444
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 65
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:36:26 PM
I do not agree with making fun of the person whom is verballing abusing another,tis only adding fuel to the fire and giving this person even more control and make this individual stronger then before,i feel you should call the authorities before things get out of hand,they shall know better as to how to handle this situation,
 Honesty1965
Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 66
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:37:40 PM
Abuse is abuse no matter how you slice it. Any kind damages the person being abused! Verbal may not show scars on the outside, but it damages the way we judge ourselves, the way we view events that happen in our lives.

The problem with verbal is that it's not recognized as damaging by society. However, you will find that anyone that has been verbally abused over a long period of time have trouble maintaining a good paying job, are less productive, have far more sick days than someone that was not abused, and do not maintain healthy relationships, the reason is because that is how they view themselves.

So if anyone in this thread believes that sticks and stones can break their bones, but names can never hurt them........hasn't been told enough times they are stupid or ugly or in capable of doing something! Do not judge what abuse can or can't do to someone until you have either experienced it first hand or have seen the damage it can cause to someone you love!!

~LETS PUT AN END TO ALL ABUSE!!! VERBAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, SEXUAL AND PHYSICAL~

And for anyone that is continually finds themselves in an abusive relationship or with the 'wrong' one........seek some good counselling, it's all about how you see yourself. With proper help you can find a person that will treat you with respect.

I know.........I was 39 when I first seen my counsellor!!! And I was abused from before I can remember until that day....And now I'm not settling for abusive in any form!! I know I'm worthy of having a man in my life that will love me and care for me, exactly the way I am!!!!!!

 Honesty1965
Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 67
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:42:28 PM

I do not agree with making fun of the person whom is verballing abusing another,tis only adding fuel to the fire and giving this person even more control and make this individual stronger then before,i feel you should call the authorities before things get out of hand,they shall know better as to how to handle this situation


Bravo Shiloh444

Making fun of someone is ABUSIVE...........

The person should just look them straight in the face and tell them "I will not put up with your abusive nature, please leave now or I will call the police, no tears you cry can undo the damage you cause by your actions, I'm worthy of more!"
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 68
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers are funny
Posted: 11/10/2006 8:30:15 PM
~OP~ I once had this little saying I'd tell my ex: hitting me would hurt less than this emotional beating you give me.

It's all tragic, but yes, mental and emotional abuse definitely hurt me much more than the physical abuse I endured 20 years ago. That is just me, I seem to be able to recover from the physical injuries quickly ~ the mental and emotional stuff, well, it still plagues me sometimes. None of it is appropriate.
 purplemarbles
Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 69
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers et al
Posted: 11/10/2006 10:11:00 PM
JuergenH ,

As a man I am struck and saddened at some of the hate I detect towards men from some of the divorced women and the refusal to respect men's point of view .

Its common in treatment of aggression by psychiatry to eventually forgive thus releasing the monster from causing anaymore harm to you .So your reasoning has rock-solid support in science .

Verbal abuse is writing or saying ANYTHING that hurts someone else's feelings .Even deliberatly ignoring someone to hurt their feelings is verbal abuse .

Everyone on earth has at one point in their life engaged in verbal abuse of someone . If they deny it they are liars .

Writing that someone is an abuser because they advocate forgivenes to release the pent up aggression is verbal abuse itself , because the person that wrote it did so as an indirect jab to hurt a person's feelings .

All of us have to control our behavior and respect others to have relationships that don't end up in divorce .

I know divorce creates bitterness but other people are human beings too and have feelings too .
 JurgenH
Joined: 9/5/2006
Msg: 70
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers are Marxists
Posted: 11/10/2006 10:35:28 PM
And to think I was planning to go the Cinema tonite!

I can't seem to shake the Cultural/Historical Materialism (Marvin Harris inspired). Overwhelms my paradigms and analogies. Language given too short-shrift? (but cf.Rdr121)

Funny,eh, how a straight-laced (Lapsed) Catholic and a Lover of Weed (and UFC? --among other things! :)) get tossed into the same boat.

We ('hNation'...perhaps yourself?) come at the problem differently. I suspect we share the Prescription:
Love, Friendship, Forgiveness (in no particular order).

Cheers,

JH
 purplemarbles
Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 71
view profile
History
Verbal Abusers are Marxists
Posted: 11/10/2006 10:43:26 PM
JurgenH ,

I agree .

Men and women were put on this earth to love one another .

Peace people ! Make love not war ...:)


Have a nice nite at the movies . Hope you are going with a girl ! :)

Cheers :)
 xodara
Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 72
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:27:33 AM

And for anyone that is continually finds themselves in an abusive relationship or with the 'wrong' one........seek some good counselling, it's all about how you see yourself. With proper help you can find a person that will treat you with respect.


It's funny how I feel so good about myself when I'm single, but self doubt creeps in when I'm in a relationship.

I'm the perfect target for abusive men. I'm not sure why or how, but I need to figure out a way to change that.
 wannashakeyourtree
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 73
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:52:17 AM
What many seem to ignore is that forgiveness is not the be all and end all of human happiness.

It is in our nature...in order to survive...to fly, fight or hide from negative stimulus...whether it be physical or otherwise.

To forgive is simply a coping mechanism. It allows us the the basic need to "feel" whatever emotions we need to in order to deal with the negative stimulus at the time...and then move on.

In other words...be afraid...or angry...or sad...whatever...but don't be consumed and lost to your emotions forever.

Forgiveness is to aleviate suffering...not pain.

Christ said forgive...he never said forget. He would not suggest that you stand and be struck 77 times...just that you remember to forgive once it has ceased.
 littlerockstar
Joined: 10/15/2006
Msg: 74
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:41:22 AM

Christ said forgive...he never said forget. He would not suggest that you stand and be struck 77 times...just that you remember to forgive once it has ceased
chemistryNkisses


So, let’s get this straight – Jesus holds a grudge? :)

Jesus preached to forgive and to forget - if you haven’t forgotten then you haven’t truly forgiven either.
 best kept secret
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 75
Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:42:05 AM
Sigh* "some" of you guys...are not "getting" it.
You are trying to "win" an argument that has nothig to do with the OT.

The way you are pushing forgiveness is that it should come immediately...not that forgiveness is not a part of healing,,, the way you argue; it should be done while being abused!

Forgiveness has it's time...the frame of mind a person is in while being abused wont allow the "enlightenment" that will come.
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Verbal Abusers