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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 1:36:15 PM | Just-Cal
There are female verbal abusers, most men it's happening to, suffer in silence because no one takes them seriously.. The term they used to use was "henpecked". What a insignifigant term for such a horrible position to be in.
Men typically do not speak up about being abused, they still hold dear to the way they were raised, that they're supposed to be the head of the house the strong one. There's the fear of being ridiculed because they let the "little woman" beat them, or verbally abuse them.. There is a shame factor in this.. So I feel for any man, or woman who has to deal with this.. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 1:49:27 PM | Hey, all:
Hey, MomsBabyDoll: Yay, you answered just as I thought you might. I asked to get you to say just such a thing, that having abusive behavior suppressed by someone else is not rehabilitation in the least, that the person has to recoginze their behavior as a destructive problem, and that we learn this nonsense in family surroundings, and we can tend to pass in on, just as we do our genes. Obviously you have given this a lot of thought, as has PurpleMarbles and I think you both have hit the nail on the every time.
I will say something about forgiveness. It is an extremely individual decision, some can do it and some will never. I wouldn't foreclose the possibility of forgiveness, because some are so hurt they have to make some gesture in order to move on and grow. Recognizing that someone is simply a defective but accurate product of their upbringing makes it possible to realize that such problems are widespread in society, and that one place we need to focus our attention.
Again, it ain't for everyone, but for some it is part of growth. It is also part of many religious and spiritual teachings. I am not religious at all, but I do have some spiritual leanings on a very individual basis. For some forgiving others is a way of letting them and the hurt go, so it no longer burdens you. This may be what some refer to as 'emotional baggage'.
No one should be expected to do one or the other, but the possibility and opportunity for each of us to choose should be presented.
In my own case, I suppose I did neither, or maybe somewhere between the two ends--I just completely put her out of my mind--I have never talked to her except as absolutely necessary --maybe a dozen times in 18 years--and since my daughter my only child is grown the need is pretty much nonexistent. I found that every time I spoke to her it was like baiting a troll or like putting my hand into a spinning blender, just asking for misery, and I asked myself 'Why the Hell would I want to do that?' Call it forgiveness or learning an important lesson or just moving on.
David
Messages done with sustainable energy, with Wind and Sun! | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 5:40:52 PM | SoTexMan...
Yes,I've had lots of time to reflect on my past and on our marriage and why my ex acted so abusively towards me...As I said...he too was also a victim of mental and verbal abuse brought on by his mother. He was and still is very insecure.
I don't hate him. I've spent twenty odd years with him hoping and thinking things would get better...at first thinking it was I who was making him so angry. But now, having been away from the situation, I understand why he did what he did. It definitely has to do with how he was raised by a mother who was and still is very insecure and knowing what SHE went through growing up, makes me feel badly for her too..something I couldn't feel when she was trying to destroy my mind, demeaning me every chance she could get.
Before we got married, my parents sat my ex down and said that they would never interfere with our marriage unless he physically abused me. They wouldn't stand for that and he knew it...so he never even raised a hand to me. Of course at the time they didn't think he would be verbally abusive either. Not knowing him very well and he being so much older, is why my parents gave him that warning. After we broke up, to this day my dad won't speak to him. During those years of marriage, I never revealed what was really happening.
Although some think that verbal abuse is just as bad or worse as physical abuse....I think that getting beaten up and slapped around is far worse. Not only does one have the mental scars because of course verbal abuse goes hand in hand with the physical abuser, both have long lasting effects on a person's mental psyche for a very long time if not forever. And if there are children involved, you can guarantee that the abuse will live on to the next generation.
Words do cut deep and one could never forget the hell they went through but punches and slaps etc. go along with verbal and mental abuse which makes it far worse of an ordeal and doubles the impact.
IMO | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 129 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 5:51:37 PM | CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"
CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include:
I did it because you...
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how
CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:
Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Refusing to make eye contact
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Yep to all of those! ^^
CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself! OMG! Flashbacks!
CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. ...If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". ...Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), ...The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," ...," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it. OMG again!
2) Are abusers rehabilitatable?
EXTREMELY rare, for both verbal/emotional and physical abusers... usually because they refuse to be accountable or admit that they are abusive. They will typically blame their behavior on their partners. YEP!
Funny thing is, my therapist, who has counseled my ex and me as a couple, does not think he's abusive. She thinks he's an actor who is behind an wall that cannot be penetrated as a self preservation tactic. She feels he's incapable of feeling anything, so he can't be abusive because he's not trying to control. He's merely trying to protect himself.
So, with all the above examples that I have experienced, why is my therapist not thinking I was abused?
Was I? | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 6:02:15 PM | xodara--Perhaps you need a new therapist. Perhaps your current one realizes that if she suddenly validated your truth and reality, you would stop being her bread and butter?
I'm not saying that all thearapists are unethical, but unfortunately, too many of them realize that if their clients "get better", they will suddenly have no clients. Sadly, counselling can just be another form of control that some human beings like to excercise upon others if they can get away with it.
You are the ultimate authority on you. By willing to invest in therapy, you are already demonstrating that you are opened to self-improvement, so it sounds like you need someone who can work with you. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 6:10:30 PM | it IS as bad, if not worse. Physical abuse may hurt your body...But verbal abuse crushes your spirit. No woman should take ANY of that.
And I say this out of experience. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 7:32:48 PM | | Verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, I've been through it all. It's a way of breaking you down and breaking your spirit, once they get you to their point it's all about controling you and making you think nobody else would ever want you. You have to really try hard to get out of that pit they put you in, break out, rebuild your spirit back up and never look back. You always have to be on the lookout for the abusers and recognize the signs. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 9:02:21 PM | Hey, all:
With all due respect to everybody, I think we all could go back and forth until the cows come home, on which form of abuse is worse. I think the reality is that it is extemely personal to the survivor of the abuse, the one who endured it, and in their mind the abuse THEY experienced is the worst. It is a very individual experience. Ranking, rating, comparing don't really matter too much. We instead should have compassion for everyone who endures it. Can I get an Amen?
David
Messages done with sustainable energy, with Wind and Sun! | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 10:49:05 PM | | Verbal abuse is the worst abuse ,It well leaves scars forever.It sucks but its true. | |
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AnnMF
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Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 135 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/15/2006 11:08:22 PM | MomsBabydoll; I can relate to the relationship you mentioned. I was married to my first husband for 25 years before finally calling it quits. He couldn't stay "nice" for more than a week at a time. He was abusive in many ways.
To make a long story short, after we divorced he remarried someone just as bad as himself and she drove our girls out of the house.
I remarried a wonderful man who detested violence, only to lose him 15 months ago.
The first husband recently apologized to me for the past, and I can now close that chapter of my life. But even though he did that, I can see that he is still basically the same person inside and the only reason he's not abusive with the 2nd wife is because he is on the receiving end now. People can change and I have known some who have. But it does take (what others have mentioned) admitting to a problem and getting help.
As far as which is worse, SoTexMan has a point; it depends on the person. They both can leave psychological scars. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/16/2006 2:59:49 AM | SoTexMan , MomsBabyDoll and others ,
Is there ver any case where verbal abuse is "understandable"(given the circumstances) or forgivable ?
My mother was telling me about a couple we know somewhat . The man was 12 years older than the wife and she married at 22 . He was somewhat verbally abusive to her because her parents were emotionally and mentally abusive to him and his family . This was complicated by the fact that the girl ( and her younger brother ) had been sexually molested by a family relative of the girl -- who then was protected by her parents and family . This caused the girl to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -- she told him she was ill before they married and he didn't mind. This behavior of her parents made him tell her that they(her parents ) were bad people and to have no contact ( which she interpreted as controlling ) .He "justifies" his mild verbal abuse of his wife on the grounds that she didn't care or was apathetic to the behavior of her parents toward him and his family -- and their marriage . Anyway it gets worse. The guy was a student at university when they got married . He leaves his course to persue another field and was then struck by MS ( Multiple Sclerosis ) and was unable to work. He has a nervous breakdown and becomes extremely verbally abusive to his wife and her family . He thinks she doesn't love him and is only hanging around because she feels sorry for him ( according to him ) . One day his wife tells him that he has done everything to her except hit her . So shortly after he bites her arm to give her an excuse to leave him because he didn't want her to be with him out of pity only .She then files for divorce and leaves
I want to ask the people here that when 2 people have problems -- obviously the marrage will be challenged --- is this verbal abuse ever forgivable or understandable given that he was facing horrible circumstances ? He says that all this was part of a phase of his disease and the fact he could handle the prospect of being a cripple in other words he went nutz . He seems fine now after the divorce ...He has taken full responsibilty for his actions even going to a psychiatrist . Although he does miss his wife a lot . He says he couldn't save his marriage because of his MS which sapped all his energy for life .
What do people think of this situation given the discussions in this thread ?
My parents feel sorry for him .
Boy , this feels like a question in a psychology course  | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/16/2006 3:41:05 AM | SoTexMan:
Amen!!!
To AnnMF:
First let me say that I am "so so sorry for your loss."
I can see that we both relate to almost a same situation. I feel for your girls as well. I wanted children big time. I always dreamed of having a large family but my ex didn't want any children, he having had two children from a previous marriage. I allowed him to make that decision for me in which made me so sad when seeing my friends have child after child, knowing that would never happen for me. Now looking back, the way he was, I am happy I never had his children. They would have witnessed all the abuse I had to endure and they would have had to endure too.
I run a very successful preschool daycare in which I love and fills my needs for little arms hugging me, feeling the love these little children give unconditionally, witnessing the different stages as these children grow.
As far as physical verses verbal abuse...(I am not slighting what we all have gone through verbally) but my only point is/was...when physical abuse is involved, the person being abused not only has to go through the pain and torture of the physical act but always accompanied with it is also verbal abuse. One does not go without the other which in my opinion is a double whammy.
I know in my situation, that if my ex had of ever struck me, I would have been out of there in a flash. But because it was all verbal, I took it for may years thinking at times that I provoked it in some way. We accept verbal much faster than physical...at least I did.
But like SoTexMan wrote..."it depends on the person" being abused. "They both can leave psychological scars".
And let me also add "my apologies" to anyone here that thought I was slighting verbal abuse. I know only too well how detrimental it is to a person's life and those of us who have lived it, can never totally put it behind us. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/16/2006 3:52:07 AM | I found that an abuser justifying their behavior is about the most known reaction of an abuser. Someone told me once that if that other person needs you more then you need him.. they tend to hurt you more to get a reaction out of you. Some how this shows them that you love them. It's highly dysfunctional of course.. yet on the other hand.. if you enter a relationship with the feelings that you have nothing to offer.. then you will end up on the other end of the whole thing.
I think that if anyone has to abuse someone they are suppose to show love to.. then they have not found their match and are afraid to think that their match would be like themselves. Counseling could help.. maybe.. in some parallel universe. The reality of it all is... the relationship wasn't meant to be from the beginning.. and never had enough time to develope communication first. If you can't talk to someone.. you shouldn't lie with them.
You have to find someone you can be yourself around.. and who will let you be yourself.. and who you let be themselves and support. Supporting each other in all reasonable situations is what's important. Knowing that you are two pillars that hold the temple of the relationship. If the two pillars are too close together the temple will fall. If one pillar is more sturdy then the other.. it will fall. If one pillar is crumbling and not reinforced the temple will fall.
A relationship takes work.. and looking at both sides of a conversation that you are in.. takes insight. Controlling someone is only a way to try and force them into loving you the way you think you need to be loved.. with words that hurt. Who wants to be forced? If you feel more freedom out of the relationship then you feel inside it.. then you are in the wrong place. I found a great book.. it's called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.. and it actually has some great advice.
Peace, Lily | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 139 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/16/2006 6:04:04 AM | This was complicated by the fact that the girl ( and her younger brother ) had been sexually molested by a family relative of the girl -- who then was protected by her parents and family .
OMG!
THAT is unforgivable.
red lily,
Excellent post. | |
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AnnMF
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Joined: 3/31/2006
Msg: 140 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/16/2006 10:12:56 AM | MomsBabydoll: Thank you. Actually, that was my quote commenting on the previous poster.:) No matter. Could you please mail me? You're limited to males only.: )
Sometimes one is worse than the other. That's why I agreed that it depends on the abused. Sometimes I would think the verbal was worse, but not all people "just hit" and get it over with. You can find yourself living with the fear that they're going to do it again, then you can carry it into the next relationship or even with people in general (either expecting something to happen when "you upset someone", or flinching every time someone raises their hand). And living with nightmares of past incidences. Many variables involved. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/17/2006 3:48:37 AM | To PurpleMarbles:
I've given your post some thought but can't come up with an answer...not being in that position to know if forgiveness is justifiable. Someone with an educated opinion is what you need to answer your question.
It's a sad situation for this gentleman and for his ex-wife and children. Only they would know if things he did would be forgivable or otherwise. Not wanting to accept his illness, pushed away the ones that meant the most to him and could have been his salvation if he had of only been different with her. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/17/2006 7:50:28 AM | I totally agree with you, I have been verbally abused for 18 yrs.
I married a man 15 yrs older than me and I guess he thought he had some sort of "control" over me. We take it because we are so used to it and we need to be appreciated. My self esteem is really low and I don't have alot of self confidence especially when out and around other men.
I am in the process of leaving my husband now (I know about time) but the damage is done. There is no fighting back with verbal abuse and words certainly can hurt. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/17/2006 9:50:42 PM | xodara.. you wrote..
Funny thing is, my therapist, who has counseled my ex and me as a couple, does not think he's abusive. She thinks he's an actor who is behind an wall that cannot be penetrated as a self preservation tactic. She feels he's incapable of feeling anything, so he can't be abusive because he's not trying to control. He's merely trying to protect himself.
So, with all the above examples that I have experienced, why is my therapist not thinking I was abused?
Was I?
It sounds like you were. And it's also common for therapists to be clueless, which only serves to make things much worse for you. Here is why:
From: Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence
http://www.acadv.org/abusers.html
Couples' Counseling does NOT work in abusive relationships!
If you are struggling with a relationship, some people may advise you to get marriage counseling, or couples' counseling. While this can be good advice in some relationships, it is NOT good for couples where there is violence. In fact, in many cases, couples' counseling has increased the violence in the home.
Couples' counseling does not work because:
Couples' counseling places the responsibility for change on both partners. Domestic violence is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
Couples' counseling works best when both people are truthful. Individuals who are abusive to their partners minimize, deny and blame, and therefore are not truthful in counseling.
Couples resolve problems in counseling by talking about problems. His abuse is not a couple problem, it is his problem. He needs to work on it in a specialized program for abusers.
A victim who is being abused in a relationship is in a dangerous position in couple's counseling. If she tells the counselor about the abuse, she is likely to suffer more abuse when she gets home. If she does not tell, nothing can be accomplished.
If you think you will benefit from joint counseling, go AFTER he successfully completes a batterer's intervention program and is no longer violent.
I would suggest 2 books, the best on the subject, for very enlightening info:
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans
- her website: www.verbalabuse.com, which has a wonderful (and private) forum.
or
"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft (former codirector of Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men)
Good luck!  | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/17/2006 10:12:38 PM | mystykchyk :
The Evans book which I have read is important but hardly clinical . There are a lot of "opinions" offered and anecdotal advice . Also , it is ideological ( i.e. feminist ) . Objective advice based on undisputable clinical studies is lacking .For those of us who are survivors good science is needed here as in all such things -- at least that's how I think ( probably due to my background ) .
I just think people have to know this before reading some of these books . But they are a good start and will certainly make you feel good if you know nothing about this and are a survivor .
Thanks again for your post . | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/17/2006 10:18:40 PM | Red lily,
Awesome and insightful, everything you said. Bravo!! 
Purple,
Let me rephrase that. In my opinion, those are the two best books. One is more "statistically/clinically" based (Lundy). The other is not. I personally don't determine the value of a book based on whether or not it's clinical. Neither do many others who are survivors. Her book often pops up as the first recommendation on many abuse sites. It really depends on what your purpose is in reading it. If it is for statistical research, then no, it won't fit the bill. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/18/2006 12:52:04 AM | mystykchyk :
I suppose I look for techniques that work in treatment of survivors based on facts . Now I have been a verbal abuse survivor but also attempted murder . Ideology I don't like mixing itself up with facts . But as I wrote , if you just want to feel good then by all means read those books .I am not the only critic of those books . There are others too -- I can't find a link to post though .This is all a personal opinion and I respect others' who differ from my own.
Thank you for your post . | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/18/2006 4:03:04 AM | Red_Lily:
Boy, have you hit the nail on the head.
I didn't realize that that was true all those years I took his verbal abuse. But looking back, your comments ring true.
When I told my ex that I was leaving our marriage, what surprised me was how he became humble. He begged and pleated with me not to leave him. He told me that he would do anything to make me stay. He promised me that he would do whatever it took to keep our marriage in tact.
I believed him and stayed. But all was for not. He reverted back to his old ways within a few weeks.
At one point, after an arguement...he did his old habit of walking out the door. I retorted that if he walked out of that door, I would have the locks changed and he and I would be through. I had never spoken to him like that before. He stopped and turned back. Needless to say, I was shocked. I never thought that that would stop him.
At that point I knew I was the one in control. It was he who needed me more than I needed him but unfortunately, too much had happened for me to continue to stay and I knew he needed years of therapy to make it work. He didn't think he had a problem so he would never be cured.
Looking back, you are correct commenting that an abuser always needs positive input from their partner...although doing it in negative ways.
Thanks Red_Lily | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:08:31 AM | "For such a very common and widespread problem, it truly is a shame that there is so much lack of information and awareness about abuse/domestic violence. Incidentally, domestic violence includes not only physical abuse, but also emotional, psychological, sexual, and economic abuse (see link at Department of Justice: http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/domviolence.htm).
Pink ribbons are virtually everywhere, as are the emails about getting mammograms, charity walks, donation requests, etc. But how many purple ribbon events do we see? Yet, ONE out of every FOUR women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime. Compare that to breast cancer (this statistic can be verified on Natl Coalition Against Domestic Violence at: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DV_Facts.pdf)
Here is some clarification... more importantly, with reliable and verifiable sources:
1) What makes behavior abusive?
"Domestic abuse between spouses or intimate partners is when one person in a marital or intimate relationship tries to control the other person."
(from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm)
Here is a more detailed explanation of what what verbal/emotional abuse is: (taken from Dr. Irene's site, where it was from ManAlive.org - http://drirene.com/control.htm)
Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying his partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by HIM... CONTROLLING behaviors are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in his own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of "feeling," terrified of her leaving.
CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"
CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include:
I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how
Set a good example
CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:
Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing
CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to". Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr." In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!
CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!
CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best.
Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks. This category also includes statements such as: That right! You're a woman!! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I'm the leader, the boss. You're not THAT stupid. Just THINK about it. ITS THAT'S SIMPLE.
CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave. If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". A subtle way of controlling a partner's time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done. Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), "watching just one more program" or "playing one more game" (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that. "We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!") The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it.
2) Are abusers rehabilitatable?
EXTREMELY rare, for both verbal/emotional and physical abusers... usually because they refuse to be accountable or admit that they are abusive. They will typically blame their behavior on their partners.
Source: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3693/is_200201/ai_n9084316
The Guardian: "The Home Office of Great Britain recently released the results of a study indicating that men who abuse their wives or partners are the least likely of all types of criminals to improve their behavior with treatment. In fact, says Harry Fletcher of the National Association of Probation Officers, there is evidence that men who go to domestic violence counseling sessions "actually become more cunning in the way they disguise their violence." Because of these findings, Great Britain is eliminating funds for programs aimed at rehabilitating batterers. The money cut from therapy programs will be used for domestic violence shelters, enforcement of injunctions, and electronic tagging to keep violent men away from their victims. There are around 835,000 domestic violence incidents annually in Great Britain.
3) The idea that physical abuse is 'worse' than other forms of abuse is a myth:
"Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse."... http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
"Many women in physically abusive relationships feel that the emotional abuse is more severely debilitating than the physical abuse in the relationship."... http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/html/fvemotion_e.html - Public Health Agency of Canada
"Q: Which is worse - physical or emotional abuse?
Actually, emotional and psychological abuse can be worse than physical abuse. With physical scars, while they may remain, most of the damage heals. Bones mend, skin regenerates, teeth can be replaced, etc. Not that any of this is good. But when a person suffers a systematic attack on their sense of self, on their self-esteem, on their very identity as a person, that sticks for a very, very long time. Most of the women I have interviewed and worked with - we're talking about hundreds of women - even years after their divorce remember lucidly, as if it happened yesterday, remarks that were made to them about their abilities as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. Most of the women I've worked with still remain fearful long after the marriage has ended. AS has been said, 'Betrayal is worse where trust is greatest.'
http://www.nottopeoplelikeus.com/body/faq.html"
~thanks to mystykchyk for these invaluable resources, and to all of the brave women who are either still in this situation, like my best friend, and/or have gotten free of it. big hugs and much love~ | |
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| Verbal Abusers (Momsbabydoll)
Posted: 11/24/2006 4:33:07 PM | Thank you..
You know the worse part of putting up with someone who is a Verbal Abuser is the fact that most of them suffer from a form of Narcissism.. Those who are so absorbed in their own desires and needs they exclude others. What is really strange is the way the VA will raise their voice when you tell them that you aren't going to listen if they feel they have to yell. They seem to go off the deep end.. yelling louder.. and seem threatening. I believe it's all about control. Some just can't function if they don't have this control. These people tend to gravitate toward someone with blurry bounderies, who will naturally take on too many responsibilites in the relationship who won't complain about it.
If it's going to work.. you have to be responsible and willing to let them be just as responsible.
They hate being incomplete in themselves. As a result, they ignore the needs of others.
Functional boundries refers to a person's ability to complete task, projects or jobs. It has to do with performance, discipline, initiative, and planning.
Relational Bounderies refers to the ability to speak truth to others with whom we are in relationship.
Alot of the time it is hard to have one and the other together. It takes true Character.
Communication is so very vital in every relationship. If you find you can't do this at the beginning of a relationship.. then it's not meant to be. If you are deep into the relationship and you find this pattern coming up.. then it's really over. When your bounderies compliment each other.. then there is growth beyond the sacred bed.. you are made to be together.
It's hard when someone doesn't want to talk with you without yelling. I knew a man who's family backed him up in the fact that I should always nurture him.. even when he was evidently wrong.. not only to me was he wrong.. to many others and the local police too. He spent 16 months in a correctional facility.
Peace... | |
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mybad
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Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 150 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 5:14:52 PM | I was physically, verbally and emotionally abused
as a child. I managed to marry a verbally, emotionally
abusive man, but was able to come to
terms with him in the end.
I did break my cycle in some ways. Every
guy I have ever dated wouldn't ever raise a hand
to me. Guys I have dated, if verbal abuse
was done, they would admit to and apologize.
That's because I don't allow them to get
away with it. There has only been a couple
of guys that I have even had to do that with.
It took a lot of counseling for me. But
what about the people who are still in it?
Who didn't see it coming? Who are
afraid to get out? These people I feel for.
There are shelters to help them out,
even if it's verbal abuse only. Ways to help
them start over and stay safe. And get
counseling. | |
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