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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 5:27:17 PM | | because usually the person sticks arouind to take it..I think verbal abuse could be worse sometimes..or just as bad..they abuse becasue that is all they know.. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 5:27:52 PM | | Couldn't agree with you more, lotsofffunletinme..been there...done that..the damage is equally the same....and, in some cases, with the verbal abuse even being MORE damaging. I would rather take the fist than the damage done by words. Very abusive and very damaging to your self esteem. And, for those who have gone through the abuse (physical/emotionally/mentally)...the results are HUGE. It's something you rarely EVER get over..in spite of what you may think. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 5:33:27 PM | | just more infor on that did you know that just witnessing a violent act or verbal abuse may be equally damaging or worse...sad stuff | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 5:43:03 PM | | i was verbal and physically abused i got married when i was 15 and he treated me bad from the start i loved him so much and he took that for granted he cheated on me for years and told me so many times that i was fat ugly and stupid and i would never get ne one else if i didnt have him that was 15 years ago and i still hurt cause of it i am divorced and have been the only good thing that came from it was my 3 wonderful kids | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 8:41:12 PM | Abuse is abuse. Whether it's verbal or physical. It's still abuse.
I was married once (years ago) and although my ex husband never physically abused me, some of the things he's said still haunt me to this day. Words can really put a scar someone and those scars take lots of time to heal - if they ever do heal at all. Coming from someone you love, whom you think loves you, it can be devastating. | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 156 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:17:58 PM | My whole thing is...I KNOW better. I have talked to some friends about their abusive/toxic relationships.
Fast forward to my life...he found me when I was at a low point in my life (funny thing, that hindsight, eh?) and asked me to move halfway across the country to be with him, which put me at a lower low (didn't know anyone, no job for months, my dog died, no friends, no family, etc.). But, he did that with his exwife too. And, EVERYONE warned me, or tried to...even the pastor to his church! Of course, I was smitten. He was my forever. So, i chose to ignore EVERYONE. I blamed his exwife...she started rumors, is what I said in his defense.
I asked this same priest how I know if God is giving me a sign (I was asking for a sign as to whether I should stay and work on this, or go, like everyone tried to tell me to do.), and he told me that quite often, a sign is something as simple as many people telling you the same advice. I chuckled when he said that. I'm thinking there's much validity to that now. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:54:40 PM | Hi, I didn;t read all the posts, but I have been sexually molested, emotionally/verbally abused and been through traumatic experiences since childhood. They all have there differences and also they have same affect. Personally I think none of them are worse than each other it is how the interpretation of these actions that defines which one is worse. No offense | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 158 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 7:10:08 AM | Angelina,
I go through that stuff too.
I think people mistake our kindness as a weakness. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 11:38:37 AM | Hey, all:
Sadly it seems to me that kindness overdone is seen as a weakness. We all need limits to what negative influences we will accept, but many of us have none. And kindness is just one of many characteristics we exhibit.
Being pushed over the edge, and then having to reclaim the edge at the expense of a relationship, is not a very good way to demonstrate our limits. Far better to mutually identify limits clearly and early, so that each person knows when discomfort or fear or any other negative emotion is developing.
David
Messages done with sustainable energy, with Wind and Sun! | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 2:17:14 PM | Hey, all:
Hey, Angelina:
Please understand, I wasn't arguing with you, and I do agree that what I said, and many other tasks in addition, are easier said than done. I really wasn't even referring to you necessarily at all, and was referring just to the concept of finding out what our limits are, making them known, and sticking to them.
Just as an example, if someone's behavior makes the hair on the back of your neck, maybe it is time to get out. We all have similar triggers, or we should develop them. It may be related to developing a sense of self and self esteem.
David
Messages done with sustainable energy, with Wind and Sun! | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 2:30:03 PM | | yes, in fact in my opinion, verbal is worse becuz no one can see the damage on the outside. I'm leaving my verbally abusive hubby! It ruins ur self esteem! | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 2:43:58 PM | I counsel on domestic violence.And verbally or mentally abusing just as bad as physical abuse.Just cause you cant see the marks dont mean they arent there. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 5:08:28 PM | ~Mookie~
Joined: 8/15/2006
Msg: 14
Been lied too , cheated and lead to believe he wanted to be together for life but come to find out:
Posted: 8/30/2006 7 01 PM
"I have been the person who has lied to a woman i was involved with off and on over the course of the past 2 years ( i was the one who broke it and ran and hid from how i treated her everytime) lying and by ommisions, taking money, not doing a thing to change that behavior, i couldnt face her because of how i couldnt take responsibility for my actions,blamed her for everything painted a slanted view of things ,blamed her when it was my fault all along,lied to her stole and could not face my actions, she gave me nothing but unconditional love everytime i hated myself and took that out on her verbally and by my actions abandoning her with no answers ,not talking to her for long periods i could not even pick up the phone to say i am sorry for all the hurt and damage i caused.
What i couldnt see was her venting at my actions in the first place and how i was cause of things,not her.
i gossiped ,lied, to make things look better for myself spun all of it to make it look like it was her ,myself being the one who could not see his own issues and problems and illness as being the root cause of how things went.
the damage i have have done to this woman cant be undone and there is no excuse for how i treated her.
yes the "actor" does sum it up
she gave me nothing but openess and honesty, things i could not return .
this kind of damage to another person can do so much to them it is something that runs a deep wound to their very core.
this is the other side of this topic being the root cause of this behavior effects people like described above
how would i feel in her shoes if it happened to me ?..the same as she feels now disheartened hurt and untrusting cant blame her for all that because i gave her that"
~cut and paste courtesy of my best friend's ex, who has recently escalated to even more lies, threats and domestic violence, while he'd offered her a "safe" place to stay until her new place is ready. even though he's finally back on lithium and anti-psychotics, it puts no dent into the narcissistic abusive vile sub-human monster that his mama raised, and still enables. the rage escalates rapidly with every time she's refused to get back together and even the slightest hint of rejection is inconceivable to his distorted false pride and ego. meanwhile, he claims that she has no right to mention the daily swearing, yelling, cursing tirades, breaking things, cheating with about 5 women now while trying to lie, deny, duck and deflect. her best friends have read and heard all of the irrefutable proof and his admissions of guilt, to be charged with slander, libel, assault, battery and theft. i'm driving her to toronto next week for a polygragh to shut down the monster's filth, gossip and character assassination. she's got some really protective and pissed off male friends, so the guy ran outta town to mama's, same as every other weekend for over 3 years 'cause he's up against the wall and the police are now involved. | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 164 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 5:19:04 PM | hello kitty
I give that guy a little credit. It takes a big man to fess up to his mistakes.
My ex put me through all that stuff, but I know he'll never come clean and admit to any of it. the words, "I'm sorry" never came out of his mouth...unless he was saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." SO manipulative! | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 5:30:47 PM | | @xodara, that post was three months ago and he was just trying to save his bad rep. and jail time, which is now the case as the verbal, emotional, lying cheating and stealing have now crossed into physical abuse/domestic violence. wasn't any of that clear?? he's treating her worse daily right now, has broken many laws and some phones and pc's on her now. that creep will never pass go nor will he collect $200.00. he's had her as a roommate since that post and the police have been informed. it's complete bullshit and he's worse today than ever. | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 166 | |
| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 5:42:59 PM | Oh, I must have missed that.
Yep, he's manipulative all right! | |
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| Verbal Abusers...
Posted: 11/25/2006 5:57:46 PM |
People CAN and ARE damaged by words. They may just be words, but words are FELT.
This has been my experience too. I am here to tell you that the result of being verbally abused as far back as I can remember have led to decades of bouts with depression and 15 years of therapy off and on. It also led to poor choices that led to marriages with men who were also verbally abusive. There is a silver lining however...some how, I believe devine intervention, I was able to break the cycle of abuse and as a result I have two amazing nearly grown children who have never heard a demeaning word come from my lips. They are strong, independent thinkers who know they can be whatever they want to be. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/25/2006 7:33:32 PM | | Hi Hello Kitty, Just some questions is this guy in jail? ever thought about using a small digital recorder to capture all of this on audio? Otherwise finding proof that he terrorizing her? I'm don't mean to pry I am going through the same situation slighty different circumstances, I did not do anything to my ex fiance but to be blunt as basic she is out to ruin my life and she is psychotic that's putting it lightly. It will never end with here now I have to mave and do all the fun stuff so she cannot stalk me or etc...If I offended anyone I apologize it was unintentinal:) | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/26/2006 3:58:35 AM | I just came out of a relationship that lasted several months.
As I walked away from the relationship it occurred to me--with the help of my friends--that this man had been verbally abusing me. The obvious change in my self esteem and total demeanor had changed slowly and dramatically in a negative fashion.
He wasn't a yeller. But the verbal abuse I suffered came through in the form of negative comments he would continually make.
I'm grateful that I had the presence of mind to get out before any long term damage was done.
Abuse in any form is crippling. Oftentimes creeping in slowly. The abuser, for whatever reason, needs to feel superior. There's alot of those kinds of people out there. I just don't get it. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:28:27 AM | in january 2005 i thought i'd met the man of my dreams and he moved in not long after.
after about six months he developed a drink/drug problem and decided to take it out on me. every day i was scared to come home - i didn't know what mood he would be in. would it be the loving, caring "i love you so much" guy or the verbally abusive, "you're sleeping with so and so" guy.....
i took me until our first anniversary to pluck up the courage to ask him to leave (i actually had to get my parents to come over after one particularly bad fight to get him to leave).
it's been 10 months now and i still get down about it. i too have trust issues. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:42:58 AM | | geri: Not over a zillion times. I was married to one that was physically and verbally abusive thru out our entire time together. I thought my name had been changed to b---- or w----. To me bruises heal, but mental abuse hangs around like baggage. Abusers do it to make themselves feel better, to build up self esteem. If you are in that type of relationship get out now. It only gets worse. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/26/2006 7:18:37 AM | To 6footsharon:
I can total relate to what you are feeling but although the recollection of the abuse that you went through is still fresh, (sometimes it takes years to be able to get past it, but you will never forget it), with time, you will start to realize that not all men are like that.
It took me a couple of years before I started dating again and even then I would look for signs that he could be abusive too. As time went by, it became easier to see the "man" instead of looking for negative signs...but be aware...follow your intuition.
Also, give the relationship time...get to know the person before you offer him residence. When meeting a potential partner, we are all on our best behavior. It takes time to get to the point of "the comfort zone" and when that happens, negative ways will start to surface.
A few signs to look for:
1) Overuse of alcohol are sure signs of not wanting to be with that person and if drugs are involved then its a definitely deal breaker! Even though not all people who drink are abusive but we all know that when intoxicated, one isn't with the same person when sober.
2) I look for other signs as well because drinking/drugs are NOT the only thing that makes one abusive. My ex-husband only drinks a glass or two of wine occasionally or on special occasions just to be sociable. He never had or will have a drinking problem. His problems were his upbringing. (See my previous posts).
3) Look for signs of jealousy, rudeness and insults to your person...An abusive person (because women can be abusive too) will always try to make you feel like you are not worth being around, when in fact it's their lack of security they are really feeling. By insulting, makes the abuser feel more powerful.
So give it some time. I promise you that you will start to feel that not all men are like the one you were with. Since my "lack of trust" period, I have dated some wonderful guys. Maybe they weren't the one's for me but I've acquired good friends on the way. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/26/2006 8:19:39 AM | | Hi, I have an alchoholic father who is verbally and mentally abusive, he's been like this since before I was born. Unfortunately I still live here because I am psychologically unemployable, not that I'm a psychopath or anything, It's from being sexually molested not by anyone in my family, but that guy is in prison, also being verbally and mentally abused all my life, as well as being stalked, decieved, as well a car crash in which I wasn't driving at 54 miles an hour into a rock I saved my cousins life he was driving, I also been a victim of malpractice which I almost took my own life because to end the pain of what was happening to me I didn't know this at the time. I have Chronic Post Truamic Stress Disorder, as well as about 12 different other illnesses mostly phobias, I am seeking good treatment know, I kept having 5 flashbacks at once and they were of the car crash, I drowned and had to be resesitated, I fell off a 60 foot cliff (I physically died), being verbally and emotionally abused, also flashbacks of hell, and something my mind had blocked out until recently and that was being sexually molested, I also had a close friend die when I was young, I was isolated and I'm claustrophobic, this place is luckily know out of business, but not to be harsh but some scars won't fully heal but they lessen sometimes at least for me, I'm also Agoraphobic along with severe panic attacks/severe anxiety attacks, There is more stuff as well but basically I know what it feels like to have my life taken away then only to rebuild it and be taken away again. I'm sorry if I have disturbed anyone by telling you most of my experiences throughout life, no offense intended, basically besides needing a vacation hehehe, I've been hurt too many times to hurt someone else.:) | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/28/2006 9:09:40 AM | | Hi, I'm sorry if I disturbed anyone with my last post, I know abuse of many types very well and I was trying to say each one has there scars, and some scars are to big to be healed they can only be mended with a memory left. I think all types of abuse is bad there is no most damaging one they all are different but they all end up with pain at the end. | |
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| Verbal Abusers
Posted: 11/28/2006 10:50:17 AM | it is so much more commen than people realize, i think everyone is somehow touched by it either through their own experiences or helping friends or family through it. i know i've had my share of it, and it amazes me in hindsight how easily it was done and how easily i excused the behaviour. how quickly you believe them. i was told how lucky i was to be with him cause no one else would want me with the way i look. he used to love to have me beg and he would punish me if i didn't lose enough weight or he didn't feel i was dressed well enough for his arrival. had me so wound up and so unsure of myself, but fortunately i finally found my strength and with the love and support of good friends it was ended. but it still haunts me, doubting myself, feeling ugly and unworthy. most of the time it isn't an issue and i feel pretty good about who i am and myself now but sometimes when i'm trying to date, etc. it flashes back, the fears, the worries. feeling terrified that i'm not good enough.
but there is warm and kind generous people who love others for who they are and hopefully one won't let one bad experience cloud all the potential good experiences. if you ever feel trapped or unsure, i suggest seek help or call a friend or even come on here, there is a lot of people who can help you through it. | |
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