| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 7/31/2007 8:46:33 PM | Ck1960’s post about eggs reminds me of that movie Runaway Bride. It took our hero Richard Gere for Julia Roberts’ character to realize that she didn’t know what kind of eggs she liked, as she had always taken her eggs the same way her partner du jour did! Your posts are all very well written; nicely done!
Clearly Leeanne has a good handle on what works, as she got to marry her fish; congratulations once again my dear! And we know Randall has a lot to say on this subject and he says it very well every time - can’t figure out why that man is single except that I know a number of women who actually value height over character. Can’t understand that at all myself; I’ve fallen for men ranging from 5’2” to 6’9” and I know that nice guys, like jerks, come in all sizes and shapes!
Although I’m not currently in a relationship, I have given this subject a great deal of thought as I keep discovering what does NOT work! I think the most important thing from the outset must be honesty. Don’t say you’re looking for a long-term relationship if you really just want to get laid. Sometimes a woman just wants to get her itch scratched too you know, even though I think most of us are more likely to be looking for the whole package (I.e. emotional intimacy as well as the physical kind) since the act of physical love is much more invasive for a woman. Sadly far too many of us have been victims of some form of abuse in our lives so it might take a lot for us to trust you enough to invite you into our beds; shame on you if you betray that hard-won trust! No man old enough to vote can be excused for that sort of behaviour.
In my particular case, I have some health issues that I always disclose depending on what direction the relationship appears to be heading. If there’s no interest in having more than coffee, I don’t need to tell somebody I’ve just met as much as I would tell somebody who’s likely to become a friend or even, in time, a lover.
Having just shared in the joy of my younger sister’s second wedding, I think in a long-term relationship shared spiritual values are very important. I do think it’s possible for people to subscribe to different faiths as long as they respect each other’s views and both believe that there is just one God called different names by different people around the world. Possibly the best example of this is Danny deVito and Rhea Perlman. They were together for more than a decade before they allowed their parents to meet as he’s Roman Catholic and she is Jewish. They’re still together after how many decades?
I also believe, based on past experience, that it can be a terrible mistake to expect one’s romantic partner to share every single interest that you have. It can be crippling to become too isolated from family and other friends; been there, done that, still bear the scars to my psyche! I’m starting to get seriously involved in music again so it would be great to have a partner who is also interested in music but there is a school of thought that says one should not mix business and pleasure so dating my accompanist might be a bad idea, for example.
I actually test as INFJ on those Myers Briggs tests, but anybody who’s met me would probably be surprised by that as I am quite capable of talking your ear off. The explanation I read for that is that it’s my interest in other people which makes me appear extroverted. I can enjoy the company of a quiet man, as for me the real litmus test of a good relationship is when two people enjoy doing absolutely nothing together. Perhaps he’s at one end of the couch watching a sporting event on TV, while I’m at the other end of the couch, or maybe have my head in his lap, reading a good book. Enjoying the “together” time but pursuing separate activities.
I personally believe that if everything else is there, the compatibility in the bedroom can evolve. I had a strictly platonic friendship develop into something much more and because of the profound trust I had in the man it was the best I had ever known in my life. He died at the age of 39, after saying he would have married me years ago if my libido had been as high then as it is now, and I miss him every day.
I’m not sure Randall realized I would write this much when he asked me to post something but I’ve been away from the Forums for a while! Hope this sparks some interesting responses. | |
|
| |
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 8/2/2007 2:59:54 PM | Wow Great post Dar!!!!!
well you know what I am going to say. Yes it can start that way, however the sexuality in a relationship is a very key place to make sure both you are on the same page or get on the same page or it isn't going to work inthe long run. Yes in a great relationship it should get better over time. The tantra on relationships is good stuff to read. It may have been written seven thousand years ago, but they wrote on how a couple can stay connected and insync both spiritually and sexually.
Hi NotUrAverageGurl,
thanks for your post.. You got it.. both open and non-judgmental communication is key.. The sexuality in the relationship well never grow to its ful potential or even fail without great communcation.
Randall | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 8/8/2007 11:57:20 AM | Since I posted a few days ago I've been thinking about this a great deal. I guess for me the trick is to find the right balance. When my late best friend and I entered a sexual relationship, we stopped leaving the apartment to do anything else!
Of course we are sexual beings, and since I hit perimenopause I've had the libido of a teenage boy (still trying to find him to give it back  ). It's important to remember, however, that many of us have been victims of some form of sexual abuse. It takes very little for that tape in our head to start playing back the message that we are not good for anything BUT sex! Other victims simply cannot abide being touched as their lives have taught them that touching is always hurtful.
When I was diagnosed with that pesky virus in January of 1994 in some ways it was a relief. From that point on any relationship I entered HAD to be about more than sex, since there were going to be times that intercourse was simply not possible. Over time those times are much fewer and further between, but the mindset is still there. To be clear, during those times in my younger days that I was engaging in behaviour that would be considered promiscuous by many, it was because I felt I had NO CHOICE at the time, NOT because I wanted to or because I enjoyed myself. In the 8 years I was with my second husband I don't think I had a single orgasm that did not involve copious amounts of alcohol or grass because I believed at the very core of my being that GOOD GIRLS DON'T ENJOY SEX!!! Even married ones. Even rape victims. Whatever.
Last night I lay awake until 3:30 thinking about the first man I met through this site who became a lover. The sex was the best I had experienced in more than 20 years (although I still haven't convinced HIM of that, 11 months later). We had this Pisces/Scorpio chemistry working for us and every time we've been together it's been phenomenal. Forget waking the neighbours - I'm talking about registering on the Richter scale!
Unfortunately I did not learn until after we had spent our first 12 hours together (and made love 6 times  ) that he holds certain beliefs which I find abhorrent. Forget trivial things like that he was a smoker at the time, or the frustration I've experienced a few times of really liking a guy who's allergic to my cats. This was a fundamental belief system that made it impossible for me to stay in any kind of real capital R relationship with him. (long story short, he holds all Muslims responsible for 9/11 - there's more but that gives you the idea).
It's because of that heartbreak that it is my intention from now on to ensure that the VALUES are there before we sort out the sex. Of course you know what they say about the road to hell and all that.
I've only met one man in the year I've been on this site (off and on) for whom I'd give up my cats if he were allergic. My feelings for him were so profound that it was easier to fantasize about marrying him than to fantasize about sweating up the sheets with him! I have only started on this new life as a "single" woman (i.e. no kids at home, living in my first apartment that's just for me & the pets) and I've only just started working on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to revise my core belief system about what I'm really worth and what I'm really good for and so on and so forth. After 35 years breaking out of the mindset of being a victim will be hard work so I'm trying to be realistic about how many years it will be before I'm ready to commit to a long-term relationship with a man.
My priority right now is to rebuild my relationship with MYSELF, and I daresay that above and beyond everything else that has been contributed to this thread the MOST important prerequisite to a great relationship with another is being able to genuinely love and accept oneself without the crutch of the good opinion of others.
End of sermon....lol.  | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 9/7/2007 7:14:01 PM | | Well thunderstorm59 I know a good relationship is based on a good sexual partner and i don't care what anyone say's if there is no sex than you may as well flush your relationship down the toilet,,,,and yes communication ,trust and all the other good things that go with it ,same or similiar personalities are a bonus GEMINI"S are great sexual partners.check it out. (Open up life is short)(Dreaming is for sleepers) | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 9/17/2007 1:27:21 PM | Yes I agree the sex part of the realtionship must be good and that two people must be able to meet each others needs. Plus they have to know how to keep it exciting and fun. That being said you must have great communiucation to go with that. Mutual respect. Enjoy each others company... etc... or it will fail too.
I will also make another point here which I've come across. There are profiles out there that list all the things someone doesn't like. That gives the impression that that person is a negative person and has chip on their shoulder. Regadless if it is true or not, that is what the first impression someone gets when the read it. We all have things we don't like and beefs in the online dating process. However I prefer to here what your likes are and what you really enjoy doing. The other stuff we'll figure out through the dating.
Also, there are some folks the have a checklist of things that they'll never do for their partner and they tell you:
Well I will never do this, and I won't do that and don't even bother asking me about that.
How do you feel when someone says that too you??
For me it doesn't matter if or if not I want thoses things, but it leave me the feeling.. hmm I wonder what else is on thay list. This person is not felxible, ridged in their thoughts. I also gives me the impression that they are a poor communicator as they give the impression as being judgemental. If that is the case how can you ever and true open communication with each other?? That is my view anyway and that may be because I am a positive person and I am big enough that is a great relationship and don't limit myself to what I would do for my partner. If I am in love and we have that respect and trust, then there is nothing that I am not open to with my partner.
I would love to hear others folks thoughts on this? | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 8/8/2008 4:39:48 PM | I would love to hear others thoughts and views!!
Have an awesome weekend... perhaps you'll find the one!
Randall | |
|
| |
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 8/9/2008 3:34:47 PM | It always shocks me that Plenty Of Fish 1st - coffee dates, try to act like a relationship is started. I agree with you, relationships requires respect/trust/honesty and communication to make a gr8 relationship, BUT all takes TIME and FOLLOW-up (nurturing) to get there!   | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 3/20/2009 1:01:14 PM | wow!!!!!! missing you, lets have dinner and i WILL show you how much i miss you!
then we can cuddle and ill stroke your chest , well we talk. | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 3/20/2009 1:20:10 PM | wow!!!! again!! everything in that is the most accurate desperation of LOVE i have ever heard!!! you are 100% right!!! | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 3/20/2009 2:49:28 PM | | I believe any time u meet someone there might be that possibility of a relationship but I also have to connect on something with someone. It can be anything from lust to just really liking what the person has to say. If the connection is there it doesn't matter what that person looks like it has endless possibilities but then I'm a little older now and a little more mature, when your younger, its different I think you just want that instant love thing and every guy you meet your in love with. Now adays you take your time to get to know someone if it works it works if it doesn't oh well, its great to have friends especially when they are men. Most of the time they make the best friends | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 3/27/2009 2:27:37 PM | | Trust, communication, mutual respect, great sex, honesty but to me most of all is unconditional love! Never "grading" your partner on anything, take the good with the bad, in sickness and in health..... Unconditional!! You are partners and therefore share everything so make sure you can do unconditionally! | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 3/28/2009 4:40:05 PM | LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
If you can laugh together, have a good time and enjoy each other's company, then all the rest will happen. And if you can laugh while enjoying each other sexually, then you have a great bond. | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 3/30/2009 9:11:46 PM | | i find building good solid friendship is a good way to built a trusting, integrity and loyalty in a relationship. You can't expect chemistry in a first date... It takes time. | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 4/1/2009 7:15:06 PM | | when you have that connection (trust, affection, friendship) that makes you smile the minute you connect eyes with each other. We're mostly lonely ships at sea that really want "home" | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 4/1/2009 11:16:10 PM | Good post. Thank you.
Building that soild friendship and trust comes from open non-judgmetal communication.
I agree you can't expect chemistry on a first date, but it can and does happen. I had a truly great relationship that started that way. However I also had an amazing relationship, where that wow chemistry wasn't there at the start, but it grew into something amazing over time.
Most people here seem to want to make a judgment after one date. They are in such a rush to find that wow. That wow can fade pretty quick too. May be give it 2 or 3 dates to see if a spark might ignite. You just never know. Some of the greatest realtionships have started just that way. | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 4/4/2009 8:17:16 AM | | I dont agree that the most important factor in a relationship is sex . Although to a man , sex may seem like the most important thing and even a woman believes that . However i believe that love and communication is the most important factor in building a solid relationship . Love and communication first and then the sex and needs of each other will simply fall into place to build a solid relationship . | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 4/6/2009 10:07:42 AM |
I dont agree that the most important factor in a relationship is sex . Although to a man , sex may seem like the most important thing and even a woman believes that . However i believe that love and communication is the most important factor in building a solid relationship . Love and communication first and then the sex and needs of each other will simply fall into place to build a solid relationship .
I understand your answer. This is a very common view point as most of us were raised this way. My point here is that you can have great communication, love and a solid relationship, with your mom, dad, brother sister etc... But biology 101 says that it is sex that drives a man and a woman together.
Think about it 70% of women have afairs these days, and better than 70% of men do.
In these afairs I don't think the primary need is communication and love here. They are having these afair because their sexual needs are not being meet.
However, sex alone does not make for a great relationship. You must also, have compatible personalities and great communication too. From there the love will grow and blossom. But let the sexual part slip and you'll likely be one of the 70%. | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 5/21/2009 2:35:44 PM | | Some super observations there Randal. While I certainly agree with you in most areas, I disagree that sex is the necessary core of a great relationship. It absolutely helps and is certainly not an experience to be missed. However, the core of a great relationship is a jenuine love built on trust and respect for one another which ought to preceed sex. When that foundation is lost, no amount of good sex can repair the damage. There should also be enough common interests to keep partners looking forward to interacting with each other. I went without sex for around three years out of the five which my marriage comprised. Had other aspects of the relationship not deteriorated, I believe that as frustrating as it was, I could have hung on and been glad I did overall. Other factors such as a growing lack of common interest and diverging values eventually killed the marriage. We have to keep fuelling a healthy relationship with time and experience enjoyed together. I believe my nearly two-year relationship recently broken off was a casualty of my ex just not having the time to do anything with me. She was so busy with work and school that the love I thought we had securely built together simply got swept aside. Very frustrating considering all my effort at being patient and understanding of the situation. There has to be a healthy balance between one's own life activities and time spent together. Also, a healthy relationship can't happen at all if one or both partners feel like they're walking on eggshells all the time. There has to be room for the odd misspoken word or mistake to happen without everything being endangered. | |
|
| What makes for a great relationship
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:50:00 PM | Michael,
great post. You sound like a super guy. I can appreicate the efforts you have put forth to be a great partner in a relationship. The problem is , is that is takes two to tango.
I fully agree with you on the communication, values trust etc... I think you miss understand me on the role sex plays. So let me try it from a differen t approach.
There reason why a man and woman date and see each other in the first base is sexually motivated. This is biochemical driven and we are hardwired for it.
Sex is not the core of the relationship, it is the fire that fuels it. If that flame goes out, the relationship will end. The problemmost couples have is they forget to fuel the fire. You both have to grown and learn new things, just as you do in your careers.
Communication and trust go hand and hand. The area that most folk feel vunarble is in the sexuality. So if you can not communication at the most intimate level, then either you have trust issues or you do not trust your partner with your true feelings. That is sad, because unless you can do that, then in my opinion you cannever truly have an grea relationship. So communication is very key.
Now is we take sex out of the picture, then we can have grat relationships with anyone, or mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters friends etc... Out of all those relationships, the only thing the differentiates our life partner for the rest is sex. Then as I stated the stats before 70% of women have extramarital affairs, and 77% of men do. And why are those numbers so high. The obvious is that are not being sexually fulfilled at home. There are many causes for that some of what you mentioned. But here are some more,
one partner or the other cannot communicated there intimacy to their partner for fear fo rejection or judgment (trust issue). There could also be moral value differences or hang ups. There could be lack of repect issues. Or we just forget what is really important. lastly their personalities are too different, one is very out going, the other very reserve. They are opposites and in the long run it rarely works as the grow and learn at different speeds. All tthese issue leads on other other to become disconnected and fall out of love. When a woman doesn't feel loved an connected, the bedroom life ends. Unless both are willing to repair the root cause the relationship is over. | |
|
Home
login 
