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| The Half-Wit
Posted: 12/18/2007 10:07:06 AM | The Half-Wit
The man owned a small farm in Indiana .
The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.
" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per
week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per
week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the
agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer. | |
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| Free Sex with Fill-Up
Posted: 12/18/2007 10:17:19 AM | Free Sex with Fill-Up
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."
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| Jokes of All Kinds............
Posted: 1/2/2008 8:01:35 PM | My sister in Savannah sent this to me today at work.
It is all in how you read.............................
"SIGNS"
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESNʼT KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmerʼs field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESNʼT WORK) | |
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| Well Women Learn !!!
Posted: 1/4/2008 12:18:36 PM | LOL Lorri ^^^^^^^^^
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion,
not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the butt are permanent.
________________________________________ | |
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| Well Women Learn !!!
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:56:16 AM | Very good post Jeri. I have already copied it to share with others not on pof.
But you always come with some good stuff. Maybe you will like this one, too.
Knowing you, you probably have already seen it.
Receive this in an email this morning:
Please Pass This On!
--------------------------
I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my e-mail, but this one is too important and Hillary needs your support. This one has been circulating for months and months. Please do not delete. If you don't want to sign, at least keep it going!
To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list:
=======================================================
1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.
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| Well Women Learn !!!
Posted: 1/5/2008 7:57:53 AM | | ^^ I guess Chelsea or Bill started that email.............. | |
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| Well Women Learn !!!
Posted: 1/6/2008 7:10:27 PM |
you're not funny here either...
deepcfishin4you
I agree...best laugh I've had all night was reading your profile...go laugh at mine...laughter is good for the soul. | |
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| Well Women Learn !!!
Posted: 1/10/2008 7:01:19 PM | The man with the teddy bears.
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up
leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put
into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom
shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a
large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and
actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,
she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds
warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each
other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had
never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive
guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over,
gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
eyes, and says......................
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
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| Well Women Learn !!!
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:28:39 AM | For all of us who are married, were married, wish they were married, or
wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the next
time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade..."
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| Jokes of All Kinds !!
Posted: 1/11/2008 5:23:38 PM | RedD4Love, thanks for the great laugh. I really needed that!
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/12/2008 6:56:30 PM | This is hilarious,
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Hope your week is better than his!
.....thanks rkick | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/16/2008 6:45:44 PM | This will brighten your day.
There is a lot more truth here than first meets the eye!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL : " The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems ".
OPRAH: " Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens."
GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here."
COLIN POWELL: "Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..." .
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: "We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road."
JOHN KERRY: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it."
NANCY GRACE: "That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks."
PAT BUCHANAN: "To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American."
MARTHA STEWART: "No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information."
DR SEUSS: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told."
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: "To die in the rain. Alone."
JERRY FALWELL: "Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that."
GRANDPA: "In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough."
BARBARA WALTERS: "Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road."
JOHN LENNON: "Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace."
ARISTOTLE: "It is the nature of chickens to cross the road."
BILL GATES: "I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ... ..... reboot."
ALBERT EINSTEIN: "Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken ."
BILL CLINTON: "I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken ?
AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"
COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"
****CHENEY: "Where's my gun?"
AL SHARPTON: "Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens."
Hillary Clinton: " I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire." | |
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| Zen Sarcasm
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:39:21 AM | Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of your
car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night | |
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| The Flight Crew
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:28:28 AM | The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destinatio! n."
Bill sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Bill, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the C0ckpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The C0ckPit."
"It's The Box Office." | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:40:27 AM | ^^^^^ Too Funny!!!!!!
1. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pu&!$&#air had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
***Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
2. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener."
*** Dr. wouldn't submit his name
~Sneaks | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:50:31 AM |
Great posts sneaks and zee! Thanks for sharing.
Here is one that you might want to share at work sneaks,...or not.
From a common friend, here is some Airline Funnies.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in****it.
S: Something tightened in****it.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in****it.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:52:12 AM | The **** replaced the word c***pit.
I had no idea......
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/23/2008 9:26:23 PM | You mean c0ckpit. LOL!
I sent that one to my boyfriend - he's an airplane mechanic.... figured he'd get a kick out of it!!! | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/24/2008 4:24:17 PM | The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love ‘o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit..." | |
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