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| Well Women Learn !!!
Posted: 1/11/2008 10:28:39 AM | For all of us who are married, were married, wish they were married, or
wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the next
time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,
studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat
next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade..."
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| Jokes of All Kinds !!
Posted: 1/11/2008 5:23:38 PM | RedD4Love, thanks for the great laugh. I really needed that!
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/12/2008 6:56:30 PM | This is hilarious,
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!
Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
Hope your week is better than his!
.....thanks rkick | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/16/2008 6:45:44 PM | This will brighten your day.
There is a lot more truth here than first meets the eye!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL : " The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems ".
OPRAH: " Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens."
GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here."
COLIN POWELL: "Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..." .
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: "We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road."
JOHN KERRY: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it."
NANCY GRACE: "That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks."
PAT BUCHANAN: "To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American."
MARTHA STEWART: "No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information."
DR SEUSS: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told."
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: "To die in the rain. Alone."
JERRY FALWELL: "Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that."
GRANDPA: "In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough."
BARBARA WALTERS: "Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road."
JOHN LENNON: "Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace."
ARISTOTLE: "It is the nature of chickens to cross the road."
BILL GATES: "I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ... ..... reboot."
ALBERT EINSTEIN: "Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken ."
BILL CLINTON: "I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken ?
AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"
COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"
****CHENEY: "Where's my gun?"
AL SHARPTON: "Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens."
Hillary Clinton: " I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire." | |
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| Zen Sarcasm
Posted: 1/18/2008 9:39:21 AM | Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
3. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of your
car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night | |
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| The Flight Crew
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:28:28 AM | The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destinatio! n."
Bill sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Bill, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the C0ckpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The C0ckPit."
"It's The Box Office." | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:40:27 AM | ^^^^^ Too Funny!!!!!!
1. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pu&!$&#air had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
***Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
2. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener."
*** Dr. wouldn't submit his name
~Sneaks | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:50:31 AM |
Great posts sneaks and zee! Thanks for sharing.
Here is one that you might want to share at work sneaks,...or not.
From a common friend, here is some Airline Funnies.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in****it.
S: Something tightened in****it.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in****it.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/21/2008 10:52:12 AM | The **** replaced the word c***pit.
I had no idea......
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/23/2008 9:26:23 PM | You mean c0ckpit. LOL!
I sent that one to my boyfriend - he's an airplane mechanic.... figured he'd get a kick out of it!!! | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/24/2008 4:24:17 PM | The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love ‘o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit..." | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/24/2008 9:26:36 PM | ^^^^^^^^ 
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet
doors was ajar.
I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those
were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).
Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks
are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone.
Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into
laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my
father, who roared with laughter.
Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place
setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate,
with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail
in so they didn't hang off the edge!!
My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"
Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?! ????????
awwwww!! Little People.........
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/25/2008 4:03:08 AM | The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this
year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Do peler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub
in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole. | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:08:15 PM | POFERs and KIDs made me think of this one. It is cute and funny.
Why
parents drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued
employees had not phoned in
sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted wi th a
Child's' whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy
home?" he asked.
" Yes ,"
Whispered the small
Voice.
May I talk with
him?"
The
child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,
the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?" "
Yes ."
"May I talk
with her?" Again the small voice w hispered, "
No ."
Hoping there was som eb
ody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
Asked, "Is
anybody else there?"
" Yes ,"
Whispered the
child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be
doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with
the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy
And Mommy and the Fireman ,"
Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the
background through
The earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
" A helicopter "
Answered the whispering voice..
"What is going
on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The
Search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated th e
b oss
Asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
giggle...
" ME ."
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/26/2008 7:35:56 PM | You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local
cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the
front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went
inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know
that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say
goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as
we drove away. 'That stupid **** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off,
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car. | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 1/27/2008 6:39:59 AM | SOB story
Judge asked a prostitute, "So when did you realize you were raped?
Prostitute replied, wiping her tears, "When the check bounced."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/28/2008 9:15:59 AM | ^^
.........................................................................................................
Micheal Jackson
Micheal Jackson is in bed with his girlfriend.
The girlfriend says to Micheal:
- Micheal, you are pedophile.
Micheal says back:
- That's a big word for a ten year old girl! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/29/2008 4:46:58 PM | This is hilarious!!!!
Finding Love When It's Freezing...
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have very good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's, concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Tonight Show.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/30/2008 7:41:49 PM | Don't step on Ducks..................
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" 
'nuff said........
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/31/2008 12:15:20 PM | Two Cajun hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As Boudreaux and Thibodeaux start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."
The two Cajuns object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours," said Boudreaux.
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few minutes later, climbing out of the wreckage, Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," replies Thibodeaux.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:21:06 PM | Subject: Leg Problems
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by
herself :
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread . . "
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/31/2008 4:47:12 PM | Well that's one way to get your exercise...
This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice
for best webmail-award-winning letter....
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos
on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy
was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:10:31 AM | I saw a LJ entry from some years back that is hysterical about the very thing... and the 'scented' versions of such.
This was in my box this morning...
Four doctors attending an international medical convention are discussing medical care advances in their respective countries.
A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'
A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week!' | |
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