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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 26 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/16/2006 6:52:52 AM | Here's a couple of tongue twisters. How fast can you say them and what others do you know.
Enjoy!
I slit the sheet - the sheet I slit - and on the slitted sheet I sit.
Try to keep repeating the phrase "Red lorry, yellow lorry"
She sells sea shells on the sea shore !
Six slippery snails, slid slowly seaward.
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son.
And I'm only plucking pleasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.
Silly Simon's sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where he sits he shines, and where he shines he sits.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/17/2006 3:35:01 AM | Gone are the days of being called the devil! Gone are the days of having to defend GOD over politics. Gone is the ignorance to at least see anothers viewpoint other than ones own. Gone is the namecalling when someone doesnt totally agree. I SURE do Miss all that!
NOT!  | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/17/2006 6:04:00 AM | I saw a t-shirt the other morning that made me smile.
Top line: "Your shirt says PRINCESS"
bottom line: "Your face says TROLL"
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/18/2006 3:18:30 PM |
Dont feed the trolls.Now that is funny.
yep, especially the FORUM trolls. They leave the most awful mess when they come around.....
Ok, a couple other shirts I saw:
"I see dumb people"
"Mean people suck"
"I ran into my ex the other day. Then I backed up and ran into her again..." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/18/2006 9:10:01 PM | | A little indian boy asks his mom how little indian boys gets his name. The mom says "well son the first thing we see when we stick our head out of the Tee Pee that is what we name our Son." If we see a deer running throught the woods we name our son Running Deer. If we see an eagle flying through the air we would name our son Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask Two Dogs a ****ing? | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/19/2006 9:09:24 AM | | hey bigdaddy...i liked the joke or the way you were mocking the way some people talk. i like joking around and it seems to keep people in better moods...but you always have some sore cats who can not take a joke and got to make something of it. | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 35 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/20/2006 5:59:43 AM | I came across these today, I thought that everyone could use a little humor.... It's Moday ! Enjoy...
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/20/2006 1:35:38 PM | A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh!, Killed any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/20/2006 1:37:52 PM | ADHERE TO THE COMPANY POLICY:
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
Company Policy:
Effective from 9/01/06
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
_______________________________________________
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/21/2006 10:54:34 AM | | LMAO this stuff is soo hilarious. I definitely gotta remember these!! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/21/2006 11:28:41 AM | An old couple is sitting on the porch in their rocking chairs.
The old woman looks at her husband and says "Elmer! I'm bored. I found this book at a store the other day that shows all kinds of different sexual positions. Lets go try it out!"
Elmer looks at his wife and says "Wilma! I'm old, I'm tired, and I don't have the energy to try any of that new age sex stuff! If you want to do it, do it yourself!"
Wilma glares at him and goes stomping into the house, thinking to herself "Fine, I will go try it myself!"
She gets into the bedroom, takes off her clothes, looks in the book, and puts both legs up behind her head. To her dismay, she finds that she's stuck and calls out "Elmer! Heelllp! Heelllpp me Elmer!"
Elmer gets up out of his rocking chair and goes to see what's wrong. He walks in, takes one look at her and says, "Gracious Wilma, you look awful! Brush your hair and put your teeth back in!"
 I know, not the best. | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 40 | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/21/2006 5:05:03 PM | | Ha Ha Ha,That was so funny,I forgot to laugh. | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 42 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/22/2006 11:17:03 AM | Cute Jokes, Hope everyone enjoys...
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a
year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The
same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you
sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They
named him "Sum Ting WongÓ
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/22/2006 12:09:08 PM | Heres one for you. Thought it was a riot the first time i heard it.
A man walks into a bar. He approaches the bartender and noticed that there are three 100 dollar bills on the bar. The man is puzzled and asks the bartender. "What's the deal with the three 100 dollar bills?" The bartender replied. "IF you can drink this whole bottle of Tequila, ill let you have the first $100 bill" The man agrees, and asked what the next one is for. "I've got a bulldog out back with a bad tooth, and if you can pull that tooth for him, you can have the second $100 bill." Ok, the mans says. What about the last one? The bartender replies. "I have a whore upstairs that has never been satisfied, and if you can make her have an orgasm, you can have the third $100 bill." The man slaps his leg and tells the bartender that he'll take that bet. He chugs the entire bottle of Tequila down and stumbles outside to that bulldog. The bartender hears an ungoldy racket and the bulldog is yelping. The man stumbles back in and asked the bartender "O.k. where's the **** with the bad tooth?" | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/24/2006 11:13:28 PM | | LOL poor dog! edit: I tried posting this and got a message saying "message this short cannot be posted" What? I'm supposed to tell a joke? | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/25/2006 8:30:10 AM | No, Writer, your message has to contain a certain number of characters before you can post it.
OK, a little "racial" humor I got out of a magazine: FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED< PLEASE WRITE TO HUSTLER MAGAZINE WITH ANY COMPLAINTS!!!
There's a black guy, sitting on the corner, holding a sign, which reads:
Got no rhythm
Can't play basketball
Got a little pecker
PLEASE HELP THE HANDICAPPED | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 46 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:06:34 AM | Thought of the day from Maxine's sister!
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer:
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
luv to all....
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/27/2006 1:24:10 PM | Only one I can think of at the moment...(must be the Grey Goose)...
What do a BBW and a Mo-Ped have in common?..... They are both fun to ride, but don't let your friends see you!!
Perhaps another Goose....lol. | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 48 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/27/2006 11:07:53 PM | SUNDAY CLOTHES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the
other direction.
"Hello" said the little boy.
"Hi" replied the little girl.
"Where are you going"? asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the
little girl.
"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from
church".
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little
girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill", replied the
little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided
that
they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where
spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they
could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said
the
little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied
the
little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull
off
all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across".
"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same
thing with my suit".
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun
waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the
little boy finally remarked.
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there
really
is between a Baptist and a Methodist".
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/30/2006 8:24:54 PM | | theres a patrol man who pulls over 1 out of every hundred cars that goes by. So the patrol man pulled one car over and walks to the window and says, "sir, u just won a million dollars from the safety board for wearing your seatbelt. what are you going to do with the money asked the patrol man?" the guy says, " im going to go to drivers school to get my lisence." the lady in the passenger seat said dont let him fool you. hes a smart ellick when hes drunk. a guy in the back seat who was asleep and woke up and seen the cop, and said i told you we wouldnt get far in a stolen vehicle. a knock from the trunk, a voice asked in spanish, are we over the border yet? | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/1/2006 6:22:41 PM | | A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "Your wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." | |
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in the forums that pretended that he was elated that his debating buddy was "Gone":
