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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/1/2008 4:25:48 PM | An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Mary, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/2/2008 6:47:55 PM | Have tears running down my cheeks. This is about the best one I've heard in a long time. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/9/2008 2:18:31 PM | A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins
snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The
woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking
with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring
loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she
goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it
around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The
woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached
to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know
where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God .. We took first and
second place
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/17/2008 1:28:12 PM | TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best of all!!!
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/19/2008 3:36:18 AM | She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make
love to me this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then
gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all
about?" She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/20/2008 5:22:31 PM | Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it
was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom
came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and
sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy
and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to
get water is the toilet?'
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/23/2008 12:29:15 PM | WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector wen t off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/23/2008 6:59:13 PM | Outsourcing is getting out of hand!
I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Iran. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:52:17 AM | | I love that I'll tell it at Church tonight Didn't make it this morning . | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/26/2008 9:13:26 AM | There were two
nuns..
One of them was known as
Sister Mathematical (SM),
And the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and
they are still far away from the convent.
SM:
Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM:
Oh, no! At this rate he will
reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The
only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not
working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So,
what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The
only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way.
He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened
to Sister
Logical.
Then
Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
happened!
SL: The
only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed
me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The
only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he
started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : T he only logical
thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The
only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up
can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you
who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:31:16 PM | Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped..'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:40:00 PM | | ^^^ I bet that one won't get told at church!!! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/6/2008 9:20:35 AM | THE NEW BOSS
If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking
things through, you will love this!
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you
make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week.
Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does
anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/8/2008 5:01:38 PM | Three little ducks go into a Bar............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/9/2008 7:49:18 AM | (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as
Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward .
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
And ..
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor .
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/14/2008 12:17:21 PM | I borrowed this from jumpingraindrops in another forum,
an open letter to Dr. Laura
J. Kent Ashcraft
May 2000
Dear Dr. Laura,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
what a hoot
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/14/2008 8:55:00 PM | Chelsea Clinton went to Iraq to visit the troops. Every soldier she talked to she asked,"What is your biggest fear in this war?"
The overwhelming response she got was this.
OSAMA, OBAMA, and YO MOMMA! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/15/2008 4:40:46 AM | WMD and they are all... Weapons of Mass
Destruction... | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/15/2008 7:08:30 AM | Pray for Fred
Fred was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY
angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning Fred got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in
the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out
to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Fred has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/15/2008 11:20:52 AM | 1)A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'
2)A new way to lose weight-
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:09:46 PM | A woman went to the emergency room and was seen by a young and relatively new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?
hehehe | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/16/2008 3:00:35 AM | Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 3/24/2008 12:50:19 PM | POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear,
tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is
step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on
this gown.
Everything clear?
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?'
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me,
half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the
other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps....
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| High Tech or Low Tech?
Posted: 5/1/2008 2:43:34 PM | THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY
PAGER," SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG
WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS
MY MOBILE PHONE. I
HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH... NOT TO BE OUT
DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. S HE STEPPED
OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM
HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE
OLDER WOMAN
FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M
GETTING A FAX!!
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