|
|
|
|
|
| Sexual position for married couples
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:07:02 PM | It has been determined, the most used
sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
 | |
|
| Blonde Joke
Posted: 5/4/2008 10:00:09 PM | A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, Please come
over here and Help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out
how to get it started.
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"
The blonde says, According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.
He looks at the table for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he
sighed...
Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box. | |
|
| Walmart Wine
Posted: 5/4/2008 10:06:37 PM | Some Wal-Mart customers will soon be able to sample a new discount item, Wal-Mart's
own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the
$6-8 range. While connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, "there is a market for inexpensive wine", said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
> >
> > 12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
> >
> > 11. White Trashfindel
> >
> > 10. Big Red Gulp
> >
> > 9. Grape Expectations
> >
> > 8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
> >
> > 7. NASCARbernet
> >
> > 6. Chef Boyardeaux
> >
> > 5. Peanut Noir
> >
> > 4. Chateau des Moines
>>
> > 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
> >
> > 2. World Championship Wriesling
> >
> > And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
> >
> > 1. Nasti Spumante | |
|
| Walmart Wine
Posted: 5/18/2008 11:11:44 PM | Ok, you have to keep an open mind about this one.
A Scotsman was visiting the US, and decided to take in a baseball game. The first batter came up to the plate, and hit a double to which everyone started screaming "Run, run!" The next batter hit a single, and got much of the same reaction. The Scotsman was really getting into it, and wanted to join in the cheering. The next batter stepped up to the plate, and got walked. As he trotted off towards first base, the Scotsman jumped up and yelled "Run you wanker! Run!" To which everyone around him started laughing. Obviously embarrassed, he sat down quickly. A helpful fan leaned over, and whispered to him, "He can't run, he has four balls." To which the Scotsman stood back up, and yelled "Walk with pride man! Walk with pride!" | |
|
| Deserted island
Posted: 5/19/2008 8:07:12 PM | *********************************************************
A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day, a gorgeous blond woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear arrives on the island. She comes up to the man and says, “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?” “Ten years!” he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that ever good!” Then she asks, “How long has it been since you had a whisky?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, “Wow, that is fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some real fun?” And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
************************************************
 | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:55:20 AM | Only A Man Would Do This:
Stun Gun (only a man would do this) (Gals - you have got to read the whole thing if you can keep the tears out of your eyes) Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something 'extra' for my wife. I came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect her self against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'NO possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...
I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it again, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a 'one-second burst', when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get way up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:42:03 AM | The miracle of toilet paper....................
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are
too small. Instead of characteristically telling
me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up
with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and
rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper
and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years', my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make
my breasts larger over the years?'
With out missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt,
didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with
a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again,
although he will probably continue to take his meals
through a straw. Stupid, stupid man
| |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:41:23 PM | A Texas Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.
The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....
Your card! Show him your card!"
| |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 8/18/2008 11:13:47 AM | Why men started wearing earrings
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' He walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'
(I always wondered how this trend got started)  | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 8/18/2008 6:46:12 PM | The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years.
In an effort to determine the circumstances during the last 15 seconds before a fatal accidents, "black boxes" were installed in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks.
The auto makers were surprised to find that in 49 of the 50 states, the last words spoken of 61.2 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Oh, shit!"
Only the state of Georgia was different, where the last words spoken of 89.3 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"
| |
|
| |
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:25:42 PM | Subject: The F.E.M.A. Genie........
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie.. 'You know how I work..You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says. 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
 | |
|
| |
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:44:19 PM | The doctor said, "Well, it doesn't look good. I'm afraid your condition is terminal."
"How long have I got, doc?"
"Ten."
"...ten? Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?"
"Nine... eight... seven..."
---
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
---
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.69 a pack, and deer nuts are under a buck.
---
"Well doctor", the old woman said, "I must admit I've been having problems with flatulence lately. You probably haven't noticed, but I've passed gas three times since you came in the room."
"All right, ma'am", the doctor replied. "We'll try to do something about your gas problem. But first, I think we should have you fitted for a hearing aid." | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 8/28/2008 9:30:50 AM | The honeymoon's over
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother."Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother."Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?""Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter."I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
 | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:36:39 PM | A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
The vendor prepares his food and gets a twenty for his trouble. The vendor goes about his business, so the Buddhist asks, "Where's my change?"
The hot dog vendor replies, "Change comes from within." | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 9/2/2008 8:01:53 PM | A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother."Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother."Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!"
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?""Please don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter."I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!"
That's a good one! Ain't that the truth. | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 9/2/2008 8:32:55 PM | True searchings
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
  | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 9/2/2008 9:53:10 PM |
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
LMAO...that's great! 
But that's not me....I promiss
Now where is that damn thing? They all need clappers put on them. Keep us out of trouble. Them too. I know I have played second fiddle to that dern thing! | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 9/3/2008 5:50:35 AM | The new wife turns to her husband and says, "Now, I know there will come a time when one of us just isn't in the mood. So if you don't want to have sex one night, reach over and squeeze my breast two times."
"That's fair", says her new husband. "And if there's a night where you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... two hundred times." | |
|
| Jokes Of All Kinds (Do Not Change Subject Line!!)
Posted: 9/3/2008 3:12:34 PM | diary
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk...
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not
to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that at I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem
distant and absent..
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
****************************
HIS DIARY:
Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid. | |
|
| |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 9/7/2008 9:35:13 AM | Tips for Rednecks
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
***DINING OUT ***
1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone..... deodorant is a waste of good money.
**DATING (Outside the Family) **
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad.'
***WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom: at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
~sea~ | |
|
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 9/8/2008 5:32:38 AM | HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST
ANYMORE - ACTUALLY HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IN THE UK - FULL STOP!!
>
>
>
> George Phillips of Marsh Green, Wigan was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window
>
> George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
> He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he
said 'no' Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would b e along when available. George said,
'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
>
> 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
>
> Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
>
> One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that
you'd shot them!'
>
>
> George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
>
> I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!
| |
|
psssst
|
Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 525 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 9/8/2008 1:54:13 PM | An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, ‘That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
‘And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'' | |
|
|
| Page 21 of 24
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 |
|
Home
login 
