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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 9/8/2008 3:44:33 PM | | Hey that's pretty funny! Did she take a shower? | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:17:19 PM | | I hope so. I can't imagine somebody not showering for that long. B.O. from hell! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:55:29 AM | | Sex is like air, it's only important if you're not getting any. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 9/10/2008 11:07:00 PM | Subject: insemination
A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to the fields, the rancher says to her,'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
The wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,'This is the one, right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me, lady,'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile)
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psssst
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Joined: 6/4/2007
Msg: 530 | |
| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/11/2008 6:09:34 PM | John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the NoBell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:20:00 PM | Puns Intended
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:29:59 PM | Redd4love is back....good to see your humor again. Since I can't tell a joke to save my life, I have to cut and paste...these are from a good internet friend:
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:32:20 PM | Redd4love is back....good to see your humor again. Since I can't tell a joke to save my life, I have to cut and paste...these are from a good internet friend:
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile.
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/16/2008 8:56:54 PM | Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!
A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!'
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/19/2008 2:48:35 PM | Today's Chemistry Lesson
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
I just wish this was a Joke .......  | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds - The Talking Dog
Posted: 9/21/2008 9:45:27 PM | LOL!!!! My favorite is "Linoleum Blownapart". That one REALLY got me.
Here's one for you then. It's a story.
Talking dog for sale...
A guy is driving around Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes to the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yes, I do," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for an airport job to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He then asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."
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| Jokes Of All Kinds - The Talking Dog
Posted: 9/23/2008 12:33:06 PM | Please don't get mad, there jokes...BLOND'S..
She was sooooo blond.............................
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ? -she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ? -she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ? -she thought a quarterback was a refund. ? -she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ? -she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ? -she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ? -she thought General Motors was in the army. ? -she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ? -she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ? -under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ? -she tripped over a cordless phone. ? -she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ? -she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." ? -at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ? -she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ? -she studied for a blood test. ? -she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ? -she sold the car for gas money! ? -when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ? -when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ? -when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ? -she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ? -if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ? -she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ? -she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "Boobies Go In Front." ? -she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds - The Talking Dog
Posted: 9/24/2008 9:44:45 AM | This was written by a black gentleman in Texas, and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!
When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin'
COLORED folks
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 9/24/2008 9:53:38 AM | A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" | |
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:41:36 PM | Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched In horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of Men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 9/26/2008 10:47:53 AM | In the interest of fairness, I tell jokes from both sides of the political spectrum. Thus:
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Early one morning during the Presidential Campaign, John McCain heard a knock on his front door. He opened the door to find a high-school-age girl wearing a "Vote for McCain" t-shirt.
"I saw you on TV last night, debating with the other candidates," she said.
McCain nodded. "The other candidates say I'm too old," he said. "They say I'm losing my memory and that I won't be able to remember the names of foreign leaders if I'm elected. But I'm going to prove them wrong."
"Good," said the girl.
"Now tell me, young lady," said McCain, "what is your name?"
The girl looked confused. "It's ME, Grandpa."
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Q: Barack Obama and Joe Biden are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who survives?
A: America. | |
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/27/2008 7:57:07 PM | A $40,000 Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said: "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said: "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/29/2008 2:30:16 PM | Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. | |
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:48:01 AM | I hyjack this joke from A VERY COLD TO BE Northern State..So TRUE!
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir,' replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck...
Moral of the story: Southerners may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government
employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north | |
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 10/3/2008 11:19:59 PM | THis isn't a joke... just something funny said in my classroom today.
So yesterday, I dropped a frozen steak on my toe.... I can't wear shoes... for obvious reason, so I'm in 'dressy sandals'...
ONe of my students comes in adn says... Ms Z... did you know your toe is blue and purple and it's swollen!!!!
I respond.... REALLY! WOW, would you look at that! I didn't even notice it! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
He thought I was serious.... sheesh! | |
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