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| Jokes Of All Kinds
Posted: 9/29/2008 2:30:16 PM | Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. | |
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 10/1/2008 2:48:01 AM | I hyjack this joke from A VERY COLD TO BE Northern State..So TRUE!
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir,' replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump
right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck...
Moral of the story: Southerners may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government
employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north | |
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 10/3/2008 11:19:59 PM | THis isn't a joke... just something funny said in my classroom today.
So yesterday, I dropped a frozen steak on my toe.... I can't wear shoes... for obvious reason, so I'm in 'dressy sandals'...
ONe of my students comes in adn says... Ms Z... did you know your toe is blue and purple and it's swollen!!!!
I respond.... REALLY! WOW, would you look at that! I didn't even notice it! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
He thought I was serious.... sheesh! | |
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
Posted: 10/10/2008 2:54:01 AM | Ya, gotta love-em...
This one is for everyone who ..
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?" | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/10/2008 8:39:17 AM | The speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start locally. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media.
Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton ' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?
Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no understanding of foreign policy or economics. This nitwit says we should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. Then he wants to go to Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . Did all of you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you dumbasses with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the **stards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times, USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2012.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America .
Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, can kiss my ass.
P.S. - You just might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/11/2008 10:15:59 AM | Hot & Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.'
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/20/2008 12:23:19 PM | The Smiths were unable to conceive children decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
B R>'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/22/2008 12:32:34 PM | Legal terminology
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove This to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?" | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/23/2008 9:15:47 AM | She Has Destroyed My Fishing Pleasure!
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/28/2008 7:54:48 AM | WE should of listen to Forrest Gump's Mother..
Forrest Gump Explains Mortgage Backed Securities:
Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street
stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal
buddies at Standard & Poor rated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates. These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites
into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates
anymore worldwide.
Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of
turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds
returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole
all the good chocolates are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.
Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first Forrest!! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/29/2008 6:21:22 AM | On the lighter side of life...What us Men have waitng for us ..Nurse Tracy's...
MY PRIVATE PART DIED
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.
'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'
(You've gotta love this .)
'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.' | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/29/2008 6:35:37 AM | Ladies...just in time for Christmas..ex...somebodies gift..
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the ex....
This was submitted by a lady who purchased her
ex a "pocket Taser" for Christmas gift...
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
the bum dump me.. and I was looking for something to get real even. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing them adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought
it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my landloard what that
burn spot is on the face of the microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-a batteries,... right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my ex,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I was with reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a t wo-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as
to say, "don't do it lady," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both breasts on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both breasts were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs.
Can't wait till put it under his tree, with instructions has to be use on YOURSELF FIRST....  | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/30/2008 11:29:53 AM | I received thi e-mail from our company health insurance provider as a *gulp* joke *gulp* (I hope)
Notice to All Employees
As of November 5, 2008, when Obama is officially elected into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales commissions into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are under achieving a “fair shake.”
2. All hourly employees will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are “too busy for overtime” to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as “the government.” We will not participate in this “pooling” experience because the law doesn't apply to us.
4. The “government” will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard “for the good of all.”
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's “good to spread the wealth.” Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more “patriotic.”
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?)!!!
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 4th. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/3/2008 4:08:21 AM | The Wisdom Of Our Time
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Friends don't let friends
take ugly people home.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi .
Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
GUN CONTROL:
using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/14/2008 3:52:24 PM | A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a
few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
' Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.' | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/15/2008 6:25:35 PM | Baby Airplanes
The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'
The boy said, 'Yes she did.'
'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.' | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/20/2008 3:51:28 AM | Where do SOME PEOPLE sign-up. Thanks needed the laugh, that did it today. That away. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/20/2008 5:11:30 AM | Now for your  hunters to think about while your wife student is in school and your hunting.
A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your azz hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/26/2008 5:32:53 AM | Before Joke, hope Everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!
WOMEN SHOULD READ THIS TOO!!
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I
know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
( applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't
....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden
with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to
better understand men. | |
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bub84
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Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 567 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/3/2008 2:40:29 AM | lol... I swear I just made this one up...
Four sailors descover a jiny. The jiny grants each of them only one wish. The first guy decides to wait, and says "you boys go first I want to think about mine". The second sailor says "Alright, I know what I want... I wish for money"; the third sailor says "Power's where's it's at. I wish for power." The fourth sailor says "you guys are chumps, Why do you need all that when you have suave!? I wish to be a ladies man." So the jiny grants each of them their wish and so now it's back to the first sailor. He crosses his arms, let's out a diabolical laugh and says "just give me everything they have!" | |
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bub84
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Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 568 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/3/2008 2:42:26 AM | Heard this one just before a presentation... really lighten things up.
It was late at night outside a dance club, just before closing. The cops are waiting out front hopping to bust any impaired drivers. People start to shove out but one guy in particular caught their attention. He stumbels to one car and tries to put the key into the door. One cop says "oh he's definitly drunk. If he gets into that car and starts it up we're definitly busting him." But the key doesn't work. So the guy goes over to the next car, tries again. Still doesn't work. At this point the cops are pretty much having a good laugh at the drunken guy's expense. Finally he finds his car and gets in at the drivers seat, but he doesn't do anything, just sits there. The cops are scractching their heads a little confused. Finally, twenty minutes later the club's closed and everyone's gone home and that guy is still just sitting in his car. Having lost their patients, the cops get out of the squad car and approach the guys window. He roles down the window. The cop says... "hey, buddy. We've been watching you. We know you're drunk. I think we should probaly take you to the drunk tank." The guy says, "well that's cool but I don't think it's going to do you any good." The cop frowns and asks "why's that?".....
"because you see officer, tonight, I was the designated distraction." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/9/2008 1:07:40 PM | Whats the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her Va-j-j?
Only one dumb things ever come out of her Va-j-j.
Sorry heard that on the regular guys and had to repeat it.
By the way Im a Palin supporter, so please realize its just a joke. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:54:45 AM | I saw this on some people's profiles and thought it was very funny... I had it on mine, but it tends ro send the wrong message...
----(((o)))----- Put this
------/-\------- on your
-----/ 0 \------ profile if
----/-/|\-\----- you know someone
---/--/-\--\---- who should be abducted
--/---------\--- and orificially
-/-----------\-- probed by aliens | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/14/2009 1:15:41 PM | I posted this on the Humor forum, but thought I'd post it here too.
Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise:
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?" | |
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