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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 10/30/2008 11:29:53 AM | I received thi e-mail from our company health insurance provider as a *gulp* joke *gulp* (I hope)
Notice to All Employees
As of November 5, 2008, when Obama is officially elected into office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales commissions into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to give those of you who are under achieving a “fair shake.”
2. All hourly employees will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help those who are “too busy for overtime” to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as “the government.” We will not participate in this “pooling” experience because the law doesn't apply to us.
4. The “government” will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard “for the good of all.”
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's “good to spread the wealth.” Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more “patriotic.”
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?)!!!
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 4th. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/3/2008 4:08:21 AM | The Wisdom Of Our Time
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Friends don't let friends
take ugly people home.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi .
Gaseous clouds
have been detected
around Uranus.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
GUN CONTROL:
using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/14/2008 3:52:24 PM | A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a
few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
' Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.' | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/15/2008 6:25:35 PM | Baby Airplanes
The little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant, so the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.
The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom- Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'
The boy said, 'Yes she did.'
'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.' | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/20/2008 3:51:28 AM | Where do SOME PEOPLE sign-up.  Thanks needed the laugh, that did it today. That away. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/20/2008 5:11:30 AM | Now for your  hunters to think about while your wife student is in school and your hunting.
A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your azz hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 11/26/2008 5:32:53 AM | Before Joke, hope Everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!
WOMEN SHOULD READ THIS TOO!!
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I
know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....
( applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't
....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to
others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden
with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to
better understand men. | |
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bub84
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Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 567 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/3/2008 2:40:29 AM | lol... I swear I just made this one up...
Four sailors descover a jiny. The jiny grants each of them only one wish. The first guy decides to wait, and says "you boys go first I want to think about mine". The second sailor says "Alright, I know what I want... I wish for money"; the third sailor says "Power's where's it's at. I wish for power." The fourth sailor says "you guys are chumps, Why do you need all that when you have suave!? I wish to be a ladies man." So the jiny grants each of them their wish and so now it's back to the first sailor. He crosses his arms, let's out a diabolical laugh and says "just give me everything they have!" | |
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bub84
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Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 568 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/3/2008 2:42:26 AM | Heard this one just before a presentation... really lighten things up.
It was late at night outside a dance club, just before closing. The cops are waiting out front hopping to bust any impaired drivers. People start to shove out but one guy in particular caught their attention. He stumbels to one car and tries to put the key into the door. One cop says "oh he's definitly drunk. If he gets into that car and starts it up we're definitly busting him." But the key doesn't work. So the guy goes over to the next car, tries again. Still doesn't work. At this point the cops are pretty much having a good laugh at the drunken guy's expense. Finally he finds his car and gets in at the drivers seat, but he doesn't do anything, just sits there. The cops are scractching their heads a little confused. Finally, twenty minutes later the club's closed and everyone's gone home and that guy is still just sitting in his car. Having lost their patients, the cops get out of the squad car and approach the guys window. He roles down the window. The cop says... "hey, buddy. We've been watching you. We know you're drunk. I think we should probaly take you to the drunk tank." The guy says, "well that's cool but I don't think it's going to do you any good." The cop frowns and asks "why's that?".....
"because you see officer, tonight, I was the designated distraction." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/9/2008 1:07:40 PM | Whats the difference between Sara Palin's mouth and her Va-j-j?
Only one dumb things ever come out of her Va-j-j.
Sorry heard that on the regular guys and had to repeat it.
By the way Im a Palin supporter, so please realize its just a joke. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/15/2008 10:54:45 AM | I saw this on some people's profiles and thought it was very funny... I had it on mine, but it tends ro send the wrong message...
----(((o)))----- Put this
------/-\------- on your
-----/ 0 \------ profile if
----/-/|\-\----- you know someone
---/--/-\--\---- who should be abducted
--/---------\--- and orificially
-/-----------\-- probed by aliens | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 2/14/2009 1:15:41 PM | I posted this on the Humor forum, but thought I'd post it here too.
Bin Laden's Afterlife Surprise:
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?" | |
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