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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/1/2006 6:31:22 PM | The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."
Ar thur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
you were the one who invented the
Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end pr otrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few wor ds and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is
flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours." | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:17:43 PM | | Thanks Stehlookin4u, but if they were original, I would be making millions from my own sitcom! lol | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:20:51 PM | lol... and i would be your number 1 fan...
heres a corny joke i came home and told mom when i was in pre-k buddy did i get my mouth washed out with soap..
how did dair queen get pregnant???
because burger king forgot to wrap its whopper!!!!! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:24:46 PM | What does Walmart and Micheal Jackson have in common?
They both have little boys pants half off! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:33:01 PM | | theres a couple who has 1 of every toy... so the guy gets off work and goes to the toy store and asks the manager do they have anything new... the manager says yes, a voodoo di*k. so the guy asks the manager whats a voodoo di*k. the manager says watch this... voodoo di*k out of the box. the voodoo di*k gets out of the box. the manager says voodoo di*k door. the voodoo di*k screws the door. so the guy said ill take it... the guy gets in his car and is speeding home.. he gets pulled over... the cop walked to the car and said sir you know your speeding? the guy said yes. the cop looks at the box and then back at the guy and says whats in the box? the guy said a voodoo di*k... the cop said voodoo di*k my butt... hahahah guess what happened? | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/2/2006 1:50:20 AM | Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a
question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In
a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly
woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me? She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you,
Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young
boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their
backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't
the brains to realise you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again
replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted,
and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a
normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him." The defence attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either
of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/2/2006 1:56:10 AM | An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that,in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if
I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/2/2006 1:58:45 AM | Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like to have a smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear end."
"Be serious," says the top cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/3/2006 3:29:45 PM | THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Note My sis give this joke to me
>>
>>
>> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror,
>>
>> complaining to my husband that my boobs are too small.
>>
>>
>> Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
>>
>> uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
>>
>>
>> "If you want your boobs to grow, then every day take a piece of
>>
>> toilet paper andrub it between them for a few seconds."
>>
>>
>> Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper
>>
>> and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my boobs.
>>
>>
>> How long will this take?" I asked.
>>
>>
>> "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
>>
>>
>> I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
>>
>> paper between my boobs every day will make my boobs larger over the
>>
>> years?"
>>
>>
>> Without missing a beat he says: "Worked for your ass,
>>
>> didn't it?"
>>
>>
>> He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may
>>
>> even walk again.
>>
>>
>> Stupid, stupid man.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/3/2006 6:06:09 PM | This on is my favorite.
Q. What is the difference between pink and purple.
A. The grip.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/3/2006 6:20:46 PM | | I know everyone has heard this,but just in case.....A boss is like a diaper....always on your ass,and usaully full of sh-t.peace-out | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/8/2006 9:51:13 AM | big daddy you are so cute anyway!
what do a huricane, a tornado a fire and a divorce have in common?
they are four ways to lose your house.
clean mind test!!
what is old, wrinkled, and hanggs out your underwear?
answer: your mother.
perfect wife- one who is deaf and dumb, over-sexed, and the owner of a liquor store.
what's the worst thing about our justice system?
You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
gotten from:
http://www.jokeronline.com/bestof/joker01.htm | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/15/2006 3:31:35 PM | A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
>>sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this
>>really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she
>>gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a
>>while
>>he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings
>>the
>>drink and puts the following on the bar --
>>
>>A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
>>
>>The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
>>First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot
>>of
>>Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime
>>juice."
>>So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
>>He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
>>He drink s the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
>>thinks - this is OK.
>>
>>Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ...
>>... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
>>.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
>>.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
>>This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
>>disappoint
>>his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes
>>it
>>down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Man, what do you call that
>>drink?"
>>She smiles widely at him and says,
>>"Blow Job Revenge" | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 66 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/22/2006 4:49:16 PM | The Next Survivor Series.... Enjoy Ladies ......lol
This one is especially For Step..... Luv Ya Girl!!!! If a man passes this test he may be okay after all!!!!!!
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each
for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids: keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list
of "pretend" bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment and a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a
holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and
all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.
Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song
that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to
themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a
tortilla and one marker: and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish
shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to
get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal
cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swi ngs but never
once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a
tampon is for when the 6 year old boy finds it in the purse.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least
once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night
without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb
their hair each morning by 7 am. They must leave the home with no food on
their face or clothes.
A test will be given at the end of six weeks, and each father will be
required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height,
weight, shoe size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they
want to be when they grown up.
They must clean up after their sick children at 2 am and then spend the
remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and
foot until they are better.
They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of
me".
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if....he still has enough energy to be intimate with
his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again
for the next 18 to 25 years...eventually earning the right to be called
Mother!
After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will
get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it.
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 67 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/22/2006 4:50:55 PM | REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost .
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/22/2006 5:04:22 PM | | Men will past the test when it comes down to money.....as long as theres no females there to do an ole eve trick on them.peace-out | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/26/2006 7:16:34 AM | Hey bdaddy I got one for ya.
What does Mcdonalds and Michael Jackson have in common?
30yr old meat in 8yr old buns.
I got a couple that are naughty so try not to get offeneded.
Have you ever seen a pu$$y wrapped in plastic?
look at your drivers license.
Whats the only bad thing about eating bald pu$$y besides getting wet?
Having to put the diaper back on when your done.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/26/2006 7:47:42 AM | Sorry, Rusty, but child molestation is never funny. Most women who read this will be disgusted by what you are trying to pass off as jokes. Is that really the impression you want to make? I'm pretty tolerant and open-minded, (just read some of my other posts in the forums), but you crossed the line there. Whether anyone backs me up on it or not, I'm telling you....way inappropriate.
Ruthannah | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/26/2006 8:50:39 AM |
Whats the only bad thing about eating bald pu$$y besides getting wet?
Having to put the diaper back on when your done.
That's just plain old disgusting. How can one NOT get offended by that? I appreciate off-color humor, but I agree with Ruthannah-- that is not funny.
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/26/2006 9:05:28 AM | Yea that is pretty damn bad in my opinion as well.You should never say bad jokes about kids.AND DAMN SURE NOT BABYS.You are disgusting in my book.Guess you dont have children.Even then you would be wrong for that.  | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/26/2006 3:12:56 PM | | I agree...very freakin' sick and not funny at all. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/26/2006 3:49:39 PM | | Rusty, I do have to agree with the rest. The baby joke wasnt funny, distatsefull at best. I have a little girl myself, and I know I can speak for many fathers of girls, we do get protective, even when they do get to ,say , 17 years old, but we can understand those jokes, but a baby? Comon? You're welcome to post jokes here but please, use some comon sence. The other 2 were ok. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 12/26/2006 4:13:51 PM | | Wait,Wait,Wait iv got a good one.Im really mrgone and I took wolfdaddys idenity.Ha Ha.Told you I get ya | |
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