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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 101 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/11/2007 7:59:32 PM | Actual Notes From Doctors' Patient Charts...
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
23. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
25. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
26. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
27. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/11/2007 11:05:06 PM | Courtesy of MsTags.com  NOW THATS NOT TO SHORT.WHAT YA MEAN I FORGOT WHAT FORUM IM EVEN IN .oh the joke forum.Well the laughs on me.Because I was just trying something and it probably is not going to work.but at least I tryed. what do you mean its too damn short.Iv done typed 4 lines man.Yall getting on my last nerve about my post being to short and iv seen other people typing just 3 freaking words | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/12/2007 12:42:14 AM |
Actual Notes From Doctors' Patient Charts...
Sapphyr -- doesn't your profile say you were a medical transcriptionist? So how many of these fubar's DID YOU MAKE :)  | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/12/2007 10:08:40 PM |
Courtesy of MsTags.com NOW THATS NOT TO SHORT.WHAT YA MEAN I FORGOT WHAT FORUM IM EVEN IN .oh the joke forum.Well the laughs on me.Because I was just trying something and it probably is not going to work.but at least I tryed. what do you mean its too damn short.Iv done typed 4 lines man.Yall getting on my last nerve about my post being to short and iv seen other people typing just 3 freaking words
The voices wont stop ehhh? lol! j/k! | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 105 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/13/2007 5:58:50 AM | That was funny King40.......
Sorry, But I just couln't help my self on that one guys.......
The Forgetful Bartender
A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."
The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/13/2007 8:38:32 AM | Paddy, Murphy & John were all good friends but one day John dies.
>
> > His wife tells Paddy and Murphy that John's last wish was to be
> >buried at sea. "No problem" replied the two men and off they go with the
> body in a small rowing, boat out to sea
> >
> > After 5 minutes, Paddy jumps out but the water only comes up to
> >his hips.
> >
> > So they row on for another 5 minutes and again Paddy jumps out.
> >
> > The water is only to his neck, so of they go again and after
> >another five mins Paddy jumps out again. This time he sinks about fifty
> feet and only just gets back to the surface.
> >
> > So Murphy asks..... "is it deep enough"....
> >
> > Paddy replies...."yeah that's great..... pass me the shovel!"
LOLOL
~sea~
> > | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 107 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/13/2007 8:56:57 AM | You Know You're Addicted To The Internet When...
...you actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
...you kiss your boyfriend's/girlfriend's home page.
...your bookmarks takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
...your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
...you find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
...you refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
...you finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the over-head compartment.
...all your day-dreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the Net - e.g. 56k...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3... and when sleeping, you dream in HTML.
...you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.com...
...you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
...you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
...you start introducing yourself as "Jane at Net dot net dot com."
...your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
...you step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
...you turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new E-mail arrives.
...your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like and it doesn't work.
...all of your friends have an @ in their names.
...when looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
...your dog has its own home page.
...you've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos.
...you can't call your mother - she doesn't have a modem.
...you check your E-mail. It says, "No new messages." So you check it again.
...you refer to your age as 3.x.
...you have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the Net and even his friends know not to call on that line anymore.
...your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
...even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
...you code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
...you don't know the sex of three of your closest friends because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
...you name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom.
...you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
...your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
...you miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.
...you start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
...you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on the way back to bed.
...you move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
...you tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
...you actually try that 123.elm.street address.
...you tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Mommy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
...your friends no longer send you E-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
...you buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
...your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
...you are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
...you get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.04 or higher."
...you never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP because you never log off.
...the last girl you picked up was a jpeg.
...you ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
...you start tilting your head sideways to smile.
...you ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
...you leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the Net."
...you begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
...you turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
...your spouse says communication is important in a marriage so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
...as your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 108 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/13/2007 9:01:52 AM | I believe in equal rights... so a little for the men & Women.......lol
Seminars For Men (prepared and presented by women)
Combatting Stupidity
You, Too, Can Do Housework
PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
How To Fill An Ice Tray
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming In Drunk At 4:00 a.m.
Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")
Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
Get a Life: Learn to Cook
How Not To Act Like A Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
Spelling: Even You Can Get It Right
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
You: The Weaker Sex
1001 Reasons To Give Flowers
How To Stay Awake In Public
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But In The Toilet
Garbage: Getting It To The Curb
You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
The Morning Dilemma: Take A Shower
How To Put The Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")
"The Weekend" And "Sports" Are Not Synonyms
Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses Are Bull
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
Mothers-in-Law: They Are People, Too
Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends At Home
You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
The Dishwasher: It's Not A Garbage Disposal
Seeing The True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked")
Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
Fluffing The Blankets After Flatulating Is Not Necessary
Techniques For Calling Home
Seminars For Women (prepared and presented by men
Elementary Map Reading
Crying And Law Enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
You CAN Go Shopping For Less Than 4 Hours
Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End Of The World: A Study In Contrast
The Seven Outfit Week
PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine
Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
Driving II: The Meaning Of Blinking Orange Lights
Driving III: Approximating A Constant Speed
Driving IV: Makeup And Driving: It's As Simple As Oil And Water
Football: Not A Game, A Sacrament
Telephone Translations: "Me Too" = "I Love You"
How To Earn Your Own Money
Gift-Giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good")
Putting The Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy Is On Your Side
Beyond "Clean And Dirty": The Nuances Of Wearable Laundry
Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self-Serve Station
Joys Of The Remote Control: Reaping The Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
His Best Friend Can Be Yours, Too
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
To Honor And Obey: Remembering The Small Print Above "I Do"
Your Mate: Selfish **stard or Victimized Sensitive Man? | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/14/2007 2:57:24 PM | Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 110 | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/14/2007 3:09:29 PM |
Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady ....
How "dumb" was she?....
Loved the joke...keep 'em coming!!! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:05:19 PM | wow ya`ll got some good jokes
i lik`um
i know a joke but it can`t be told
only seen | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 113 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/14/2007 6:50:55 PM | A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!" | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/14/2007 8:30:22 PM | | hippychick, I really resent your implication that I am dumb! LOL! | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/14/2007 9:50:16 PM | This is in no way, shape or form intended as an insult to black people
There was this little black girl and she was out in the potato patch. Her Mother came to the door and hollered at her and said (in a southern black country voice) "Lizza you get outa that tater patch, don't ya know those taters got eyes and ya don't have on any draws"
~sea~ | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/15/2007 3:54:59 AM | hippychick, I really resent your implication that I am dumb! LOL!
Hit dog hollers.............. oh wait, that one goes in the other thread (Southern Sayings)
Love ya mean it!!!!!!!!!!
~k~
OT: There once was a man who muttered a few words in church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
Confucius says. Man who loses key to girlfriends flat gets no new key!
Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay
A well dress but obviously intoxicated gentleman stumbled up to a policeman at a busy downtown intersection and voiced a thick-tongued complaint. “Somebody stole my car, officer,” he announced groggily. “I had it right here on the tip of my ignition key.” “We’ll go right to the station and report it,” the cop replied, amused at the guy’s condition. “But I think you should zip up your fly up before we leave.” “Oh, my,” exclaimed the drunk, looking at his open barn door. “Somebody stole my girl, too!”
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/15/2007 4:43:37 AM | Had to add this one today
An old lady was standing at the railing
of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight
so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said:
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward,
but did you know that your dress is
blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady,
"I need both hands to
hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that
your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the
man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down
there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
HAve a great DaY !!! | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 118 | |
| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/17/2007 9:21:44 AM | Simple Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. So be brief with people.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thoughts for the day:
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Some people are like "slinkies". They're not really good for anything; but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Have a Gread Day Every One | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/17/2007 10:36:44 AM | A traveling salesman checks into a futuristic motel. Realizing his hair needs cutting, he calls the desk clerk to ask if there's a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not sir," the clerk tells him, "but there's a vending machine down the hall that should be able to help you".
Intrigued, the salesman finds the machine with the sign HAIRCUTS $10.00. He is skeptical but puts in $10 and sticks his head in. The machine starts to whirl and buzz. Fifteen seconds later, he pulls out his head to reveal the best haircut of his life!
Looking around, he sees another machine with the sign MANICURES $10.00. "Why not", he thinks and inserts his hands into the opening. Fifteen seconds later, he pulls them out to find they're perfectly manicured.
Amazed at this new technology, he reads the sign on the next machine, THIS MACHINE PROVIDES WHAT MEN NEED MOST WHEN AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES $10.00.
He looks around to check there's no one about, then puts his money into the machine, unzips his fly and eagerly sticks his willy into the machine. The buzzing starts and the guy shrieks in agony, but he cant escape!
Fifteen seconds later, the machine shuts down and, with trembling hands he withdraws his manhood.............now with a button neatly sewn on the end!!
Van typically the fall guy in everyone's jokes was one day surprised to receive an invite from one of his neighbors - Koos. Koos was one of the local rich kids - by inheritance.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, Koos said, "I have a 10 ft. Man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million bucks to anyone who has the balls to jump in." The words were barely out of Koos’ mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Van in the pool! Van was fighting the croc and kicking
its ass! He was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of things like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Van and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Van strangled the croc and let it sink to the
bottom like a sick goldfish. Van then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally Koos (The rich guy) says, "Well, Van, I reckon I owe you a million bucks."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it,” said Van Koos said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it,” answered Van. Koos said, "Come on, I insist on giving
you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a
Rolex and some stock options?" Van just said no. Confused, Koos said, "Well, Van, then what do you want?"
Van answered, "I want the name of the smart ass who pushed me in the pool!" | |
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| Couple of Irish jokes.
Posted: 1/17/2007 11:59:52 PM | Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy."Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night".
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, "after a moment's calculation there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?," Chirac asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the****it, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!," said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners." | |
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Kyn269
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Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 122 | |
| Jokes of all Kinds
Posted: 1/18/2007 12:21:22 PM | I hope everyone enjoys this.... little long , but I think it's worth it.....
How To Give A Cat A Pill
If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed} by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.
 
Just thought it was too funny not to share.. | |
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| Jokes of all kinds
Posted: 1/18/2007 3:21:57 PM | PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
This is cute and true if you are a pet owner
~sea~ | |
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| Jokes of all Kinds
Posted: 1/18/2007 3:38:27 PM | I laughed all the way thru...
thanks Kyn and Sea | |
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