| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:05:51 PM | Love Story
This is a Wonderful Love Story.........
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas." | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:17:19 PM | Great idea - I so needed this today =)
An old Irishman is staring out at his potato farm, lamenting his age and the fact that he can't dig the holes to plant his crops and have food to eat. His son, who would normally help him every year, was in prison after being arrested for robbing a bank. Not knowing what to do, he writes his son and asks what he should do.
His son writes back, "For the love of God, Dad, don't dig up the field! That's where I hit the money!"
The next morning, a team of police officers arrives at the man's farm and proceeds to dig up the entire field, but after spending hours digging, they come up empty. The father, perplexed by the turn of events, writes his son and asks what he should do next. The son replies "Plant your potatoes, dad, I did all I could from here." | |
|
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/11/2006 3:50:23 PM | | Wing--you are not a "joke" you are a human being with feelings just like everyone else. I don't like that you feel you have to be outrageous to get attention. It's sad really. | |
|
| |
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 8:30:30 AM | Why do dumb blondes wear panties?
To Keep their ankles warm.
What do you call twenty dumb blondes in a deep freeze?
Frosted flakes!
Thanks for the jokes, everyone...cheers! | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 8:34:10 AM | Oi, here's a classic for ya...hehe
A crowd of people are standing in a circle, stoning a woman for being an adultress. Suddenly, Jesus appears, and in a booming voice, demands of the crowd, "WHO AMONG YOU IS WITHOUT SIN THAT YE CAN CAST THE FIRST STONE?!". Well, all the people are ashamed, and, one by one, they drop their stones...all but one woman, at the rear of the crowd. She drops her stone, alright, but she picks up a huge boulder, wings it at the woman, clocks her in the head, and kills her, dead.....at which point, Jesus says....
"Dammit, Mom, sometimes you really piss me off!!!" | |
|
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 10:09:15 AM | *lmao @ Nomad and Scher (sorry g/f not even going to attempt to spell that)
What do a blonde and a turtle have in common? ....
Get them on their back and theyre both screwed.
Whats the definition of Jello?.....
Koolaide with a hard on. | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 11:34:06 AM | Menopause Jewelry
"My husband bought me a mood ring. When I am in a good mood it turns a beautiful shade of green. When I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red spot on his forehead. Maybe next time he will buy me a diamond ring instead. "
 | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 11:36:05 AM | Mr. and Mrs. O'Kelley are retired. Mrs. O'Kelley insists that Mr. O'Kelley go with her to Wal-mart. He gets bored with all the shopping.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. O'Kelley loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. O'Kelley,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.
All complaints against Mr. O'Kelley are listed below.
Things Mr. O'Kelley has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares' and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ....
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!" | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 11:37:23 AM | >>>>Cigarettes and Tampons
>>>>
>>>>A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
>>>>The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He
>>>>answers
>>>>that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points
>>>>him to
>>>>the correct aisle.
>>>>A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
>>>>ball of
>>>>string on the counter.
>>>>She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
>>>>tampons for
>>>>your wife?"
>>>>He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife
>>>>to the
>>>>store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
>>>>tin of
>>>>tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
>>>>cheaper.
>>>>So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she". | |
|
| |
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 11:55:37 AM | The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her, what she needed to do with it... | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 2:21:00 PM | New Age Supermarket
A really great supermarket just opened near our house.
The fresh produce section has an automatic misting system, just before it comes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell fresh rain.
As you pass through the veggies department you can smell fresh buttered corn.... yumm
Approaching the dairy case you hear cows mooing and the air is filled with the scent of fresh cut hay.
At the egg case you'll hear the cluck of chickens and smell the wonderful aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
Passing through the laundry products you'll hear the sound of a washing machine running and smell sun dried linens.
Ahh, I don't buy toilet paper there any more....... | |
|
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 2:35:50 PM | texsan---
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her, what she needed to do with it...
That is priceless. | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 2:59:00 PM | for Chuck:
Why did the blond girl have a sore belly button?
Because blond boys are dumb too
Why did the blond climb on the roof?
Because they told her the drinks are on the house | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:40:41 PM | A man was sitting on his porch when his wife came home. She walked into the house without a word and came back several minutes later with all of her clothes packed.
When he asked what was going on, she replied "I am going to Vegas. I found out that I can get paid $200 a night by doing what I have been doing for you for free."
He walked into the house and came back out with all of his clothes packed.
She said, "What do you think you're doing?"
He said, "Hey - anyplace where you can live on $400 a year sounds great to me" | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:50:35 PM | Ok ,,, this is a yo mama joke and its racist but not my point of view to all my afro american friends,,,,
what 3 things you cant give a nigro
1 black eye
2 fat lip
3 job
ok you can tell a whity joke now | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 4:36:40 PM | There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were constructed of brass
When jangled together
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass! | |
|
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/12/2006 5:16:49 PM | A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" | |
|
Home
login 
