|
|
|
|
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/15/2006 9:25:10 AM | ya'll have probably heard this one... but it makes me chuckle...
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners ! Come in. Come into my humble shop !" So the married co uple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak ?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years ! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet ! You got dem on the wrong feet!!"
 | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/15/2006 11:58:37 AM | A man comes home and tells his wife, "Honey, I went to the store today and bought three colors of condoms. I bought Gold, Silver, and Bronze. What color would you like tonight?"
She replied, "I think I want the Silver. I would like to see you come in second for a change." | |
|
| |
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/15/2006 12:15:58 PM | uant2006, I tried to message you but apparently I'm 1 year younger than what you're interested in...LOL I guess that joke was on me... | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/15/2006 12:26:15 PM | An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California. Bert always
wanted a pairof authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day,
he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope," she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda
bought a hat." | |
|
| |
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/16/2006 9:42:23 AM | I don't know why the media is making such a big deal over Bush having trouble with his Generals.
-
Clinton had trouble with his privates. | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/16/2006 7:53:37 PM | A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?' | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/16/2006 8:46:20 PM | The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables." | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/17/2006 8:49:59 AM | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?", asked the child.
"Go ask your father, I think he's in the garage."
So the little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come see you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here, honey."
He took an old rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent... and then said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later, with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where is Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!)
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/17/2006 10:24:43 AM | Deciding to rough it, a couple goes camping and low and behold the Mrs. has to poop. She sees prickly leaves, poison ivy, etc. None of which she would want against her hiney-hole. "Honey, did we bring any toilet paper?" Husband then replies, "No, just use a dollar!"
A few minutes later she comes back with poop all over her hands and screams at her husband "Not only did you give me bad advice, but now I have 4 quarters stuck up my ass!!!"
| |
|
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/17/2006 12:05:45 PM | RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked
up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love,
asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ***hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face..............PRICELESS!! | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/17/2006 4:07:11 PM | Here's one for ya
MARRIED WOMAN'S GIRLS NIGHT OUT ....
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down WAY too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed)...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos = MIDNITE.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him "Midnight"!. He didn't seem pissed off at all. Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh sh#@.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."
| |
|
| |
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/18/2006 6:05:33 PM | Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again." | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:44:58 AM | THis guy died and went to heaven. When he got there he noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are all the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie."
So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing.
"Where is the president's clock?" He asked.
St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan." | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/19/2006 5:14:56 PM | | .......................................News Flash Just In: Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.......................................... | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/19/2006 5:26:26 PM | Uhh.. I've had men try to listen to my breasts...uhh.. ohh.. well at least that is what they said they were doing.  Yep....Bad Boys! | |
|
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/19/2006 6:26:00 PM | omg...lamooooooooooooooooooo
the problem with that ticker is....when they go to suck a nipple they might get electricuted(sp) | |
|
| |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 11/19/2006 6:47:30 PM | A blonde was tired of hearing how stupid blondes were, so one day she decided to change that image. She studied for weeks, and weeks memorizing all the capitals for all the states in America. Then when she felt she was ready, she went to a bar. And when one guy started telling a blonde joke, she interupted him and said, "Hey not all blondes are stupid. I can proove it. Give me the name of a state and I can tell You it's capital."
"Vermont", someone suggested.
The blonde thought for a while, then said, "V".
-------------------------------------------------------------
How do You get a blonde to marry You ?
- Tell her she's pregnant.
Then what will she ask ?
- Is it mine.
---------------------------------------------------------
A cop stops a blonde who's driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see Your drivers licence, please ?"
"What's a drivers licence ?"
"It's a little card with Your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is."
"May I see Your Car insurance, please ?"
"What's that ?"
"It's a document that says You may drive this car."
"Oh, duh! Here it is."
The cop then unzips his pants and the blonde goes, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test." | |
|
|
| Page 4 of 11
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 |
|
Home
login 
