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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 8:43:17 AM | As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge
to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and
what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any
reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my
indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or
humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no
avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... as soon you appear
I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with
all my strength so you won't disappear.
I won't rest until I squeeze your blood out..... you friggin'
mosquito!
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 9:02:14 AM | Here is a good one, I'll always remember.
My wife and I have sex almost seven days a week.
Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday, almost.....
So for You single guys out there, enjoy it now, while you can. Once you say I do, it is all over with.
 edit: I forgot, it is suppose to be something to cheer us up. | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 9:25:39 AM | o.k. an elderly couple come into the dr office , dr asks "whats the problem ?" and the elderly man says" sir, i have a sex problem and i wondered if maybe u would take a look and tell me what u think?" dr felt obligated no matter how odd. so the couple have sex and dr. saw nothing wrong at all , told the man not to worry , so the couple thanked him and left. a week goes by and the dr walk in the room , there is this couple again... the elderly man is persistent that dr urgently see their sex, because " ... something is wrong ?!?!!!" once again dr watches them and tells him nothing is out of the ordinary and the dr asks " y do continue to visit my office when clearly nothing is wrong with u or the sex?" and the elderly man and woman smile back when the man replies " dont u see, my $15 co pay is a lot less expensive than any motel "
lol
xoxo
c.  | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 9:51:50 AM | here is one that i thought was funny
2 Weeks Without Sex
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle
aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 11:48:59 AM | Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 12:10:46 PM | When God first created woman, Eve, he made her with three breasts.
Soon thereafter, he realized that she'd look much better with only two.
So he cut off the third breast, and Eve stood before him, breast in hand, and puzzled, "But God...what are we to do with this useless boob? Seems a shame to let it go to waste."
So God created man. | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 1:54:54 PM | For anyone who remembers having a "Slinky".......... (Why didn't those darn things work as good at home as they always did on the commercials?)
Question: What does your Slinky and your "ex" have in common?
Answer: Neither one of them are really good for anything but they sure are fun to push
down the stairs once in a while!
Ha Ha Ha - Ho Ho Ho - Merry Christmas Everyone!!
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 4:46:00 PM | When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming
to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out,
Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the
floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys
were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of
apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had
eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very
cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree! | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 7:30:39 PM | I was in line at walmart with a large bag of purina dog food in my basket. This woman asked me the obvious, "Do you have a dog?" I decided to have fun with her. I said "No, I do not have a dog, I am going on the purina diet again. It worked great last time, I lost 50 pounds, you just eat a few of them everytime you get hungry, works great for the weight, but then I woke up in ICU with tubes and wires everywhere, and an IV in each arm. By this time this guy in line behind me, was paying close attention and began to chuckle. She then asked, "But why go back on the diet if you got sick from the diet. Did you get poisoned from the dog food? Is that why you got sick?" I told her no I was in the hospital because that where they put me after I was picked up out of the street. What happened? She asked. I told her "I was sitting in the middle of the road , minding my own business, licking my balls, and this truck hit me !!!!! "
I thought the guy behind me was gonna have a coronary he was laughing so hard.
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/8/2006 11:54:30 PM | There are two brothers in their room one day, one is six and the other is four. The older one says to the younger one "I think it's about time we start cussing'". Then he tells his little brother that when they go downstairs that "I will say hell and you say ass."
They head down stairs and mom asks, "Well what would you two like for breakfast?"
The older on say, "Well hell ma I think I'll have cheerios."
She turns around and screams at him and chases him back to his room, where she proceeds to beat his but black and blue.
She then returns downstairs to the sound of his crying and ask the younger child, "Well what are you gonna have for breakfast?"
He starts bawling on the spot and says, " I don't know ma, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be cheerios!"
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/9/2006 5:13:04 AM | There was this blonde virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.
With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
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A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No" | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/9/2006 12:47:26 PM | an elephant asked a camel why are your breast on your back?
The camel replied " that's a strange question from someone who walks around with a d**k on their face.
why are men smarter during sex? DUH!!!!!!!! because they are plugged into a genius!!!!!!!!
How do we know santa's a man?
Cuz he show's up late, eats your food, emptys his sac, cums only once, and leaves when your asleep!!!!!!!!!!!!
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noodle
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Joined: 10/20/2004
Msg: 164 | |
| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/9/2006 3:00:08 PM | | a flea wanted to have sex with an elephant,so he climb up her leg and started gettin it,a coconut fell from a tree and hit the elephant in the head,she roared waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,the flea yelled ,suffer big mama, suffer | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/9/2006 5:21:52 PM | For Lexophiles:
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay you r exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/10/2006 7:27:54 PM | This old couple goto the Dr and the Husband is hard of hearing
The Dr asks the elderly husband, "I need a Urine sample, a stool sample and semen sample"
The elderly husband looks at his wife and asks "What did he say?"
Wife looks at the husband and yells, "give him your Shorts!!"
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/10/2006 7:32:46 PM | here is a Dirty Johnny Joke
Dirty Johnny got caught Jacking off
His mother told him to save it till he was 21
By the time he was 21, he had 9 jars!! | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/10/2006 7:35:21 PM | A man goes to the Dr and the Dr says, "I have bad News and even worse News"
the man goes, "what is the bad new?"
Dr goes "you have 24 hours to live"
The man is in shock and asks, "what can be worse than that?"
Dr goes, "I forgot to call you yesterday" | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/10/2006 7:42:25 PM | A man calls a hit man and says, "My wife is cheating, I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the privates"
The hit man is in shock and decides to take the job, the go and watch the womans bedroom with a rifle and the hitman goes, "There she is!"
the husband goes, "really" and the hit man say tells him,"be quiet, I can get them both in one shot" | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/10/2006 7:43:38 PM | Well, it's shit...that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced,
Be shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
Find a place for your shit,
Or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while
others can't tell the difference
between Shit and Shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit
or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit, or find
yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other
times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit. Or not
do so, If you don't give a shit!
Well Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do
Give A Shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit head........Well, shit happens!
i just figured this would get a few laughs as well... | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/10/2006 9:21:53 PM | "Christmas Stamps"
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? - -
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists." | |
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/13/2006 8:59:07 AM | GO GITCHA MOMMA
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a mall for the first time in
their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuttin'
like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, an overweight, elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped
out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha Momma............... "
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| How about a joke to cheer us all up?
Posted: 12/13/2006 10:29:20 PM | | how are tornadoes and marriages the same? They both start out with a lot of sucking and blowing and when it is over you lost the house! | |
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