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 Love to Cruise
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 26
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Dating when you are disabledPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I don't like that either. He went to great lengths to cover up his disability for months. Then...when he FINALLY told me...he complained about it every time we spoke. It was draining.
 RAZ49
Joined: 2/10/2004
Msg: 27
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/17/2006 7:33:46 AM
I don't go on about it at all, in fact I usually don't bring it up. It's only when they ask me why am I retired that I tell them. I always tell them I still get around and care for myself just fine and I am NOT looking for some one to take care of me, just to love me as I am. Things were really going great with the last woman (here) that I was talking to but I felt funny not telling her so I did and she did the same thing as the rest, telling me what a great guy I am and some one will be glad to know me and be with me.


piano4te. Thank you, I'll try to get out more and meet people that way too.
 Ratero-park-man
Joined: 2/2/2006
Msg: 28
Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/17/2006 1:04:28 PM

Although I would be happy to help him out sometime in a pinch, if it was a dating situation, then that would be how the relationship would go, it would be what I could do for him in a 'caretaker' sort of way instead of something for both of us.


Whatys wrong with you helping him out? I think that would be very classy and preferable as opposed to lets say just ignoring him and seeing him as someone of a lower class. (not saying you are doing this but just using an example)

Remember, we feel good by doing good things!!. It should make a person feel good if they can help another person any way they can that wil provide a better mood and well being state for that person.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 29
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/18/2006 11:07:34 AM
piano4t and suzanne hit it right on the nose (not sure where that expression comes from, could get disabled right there, ha ha!). it depends on the area you live in but there's a "meetup" site where you can do things by interest group with local people. some are married and some are single. my new area has some really great things going on and some really great and interesting people.

sure you can tell people sooner or later about your disability, as long as it doesn't DEFINE you and you don't expect them to take care of you. they also have lives to live with their own set of problems. sure if you start out on an even playing field and someone gets ill or injured, then that's what wedding vows are all about and that's where we find out how many people don't take them seriously. but, once you are single and already have a disability, this becomes your job and responsiblity to do what you have to do. if you meet someone and fall in love, and if your disablity is "degenerating" then it's a big issue and cannot be denied. but that can happen a while down the road, so live your life to the fullest now and don't wait for a relationship to make that happen. if you do live your fullest life and truly can give and take in a relationship, then i believe that it will happen for you. but you must also be aware of what you have to give, both romantically and practically speaking.

if you cannot take care of your basics, then you cannot have a "full" relationship with someone else unless they are a control freak or unless two of you share a disability that is so difficult that you can manage to share a third caretaker or unless you have really bonded on a shared interest or cause or way of life, and that person is strong enough to bare a huge share of responsibilites and truly gets something else from the relationship that is rewarding and fulfulling for him/her.. but most disabled people don't fall into that category or can get their own needs met and in fact there is group living if you really have that serious a problem.

if you don't already know someone and you aren't "volunteering' specifically to help someone or a particular cause, there is no way you should be expected to start a relationship being someone's caregiver and that person has no right "defining" you (particularly upon meeting you on a singles site) as a caregiver.

now all that being said, i find with my disability which i take care of myself, that people i meet (or don't even meet because of the online situation) are critical and often they accomplsih or contribute less than i do. so again, what a great way to weed them out and not waste "my" time. these people are the opposite of the extreme givers, they are the extreme takers.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 30
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/18/2006 11:16:15 AM
raz 49: i have to say that the "fat, lazy, beer drinking slob" beginning of your profile is not funny to me and i have a pretty good sense of humor. it's more of a guy kind of joke (at least for some guys). and it's the first thing you write. i said it before, for me it's hard to even get past it to read that it's a joke. people have a whole lot of "findings' when they do a single search and they often don't read through it, especially when the first few sentences are turnoffs. they just keep clicking to see the next profile. if you insisit that this is funny, then at least put something "attractive" before it. i would venture if you posted on that thread that has people "react" to your profile, the majority would agree with me.
 RAZ49
Joined: 2/10/2004
Msg: 31
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/18/2006 1:19:17 PM
You could be right about the profile but believe it or not no one ever conntaced me before when it wasn't funny and only a couple women even replied to my emails, that's why I changed it to be more funny. Maybe a different approach though might be better. My disease and back injury don't run my life at all, I still do most of the things I did before just a little slower and I always tell the women that but they are afraid of the unknown, like how long till I can't care for myself. That day may never come but they don't want to have to care for some one. Thanks for the help and I'll work on the profile.
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 32
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 12:12:26 AM
tell them to worry about it, if and only if, you propose marriage! by the way, i hear woman worry about taking care of any man as the men get older. it's another reason why they go after younger men. particularly the housewives who've cared for husbands and children and now want a life, both an intimate non-mommy life and a social life. so you may also be experiencing that. i think by demonstrating your lifestyle in a "real" group or maybe several versus online, you may not have that problem.

for me the problem is finding people in their fifties who are getting out and doing things. tonite i went out with a bunch of movie goers to see 'the queen". most of them were in their thirites. it was fun and if i didn't have to pick my daughter up at her party, i would have gone to their last minute party at one of the member's houses afterwards. i think of the seventeen people involved maybe four others at most, maybe three men, were in my age group. one came with his daughter, just visiting and one was with someone. so, if you are not working and trying to do stuff, you just may also come across a younger crowd. if anything, that's been my problem. even my best female friends are in their thirties and lower forties. but you know what, it was fun and one more step towards integrating into my new "neighborhood" and finding a sense of real community. in fact, i kind of enjoyed the age spread, because it was like having family. on thanksgiving, we've been invited sight unseen (my daughter and i) to another groups vegetarian dinner. and, we have two other group events going on , as well as car pools over to the next county to visit their groups. it's great!
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 33
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 12:34:22 AM
tell them to worry about it, if and only if, you propose marriage! by the way, i hear woman worry about taking care of any man as the men get older. it's another reason why they go after younger men. particularly the housewives who've cared for husbands and children and now want a life, both an intimate non-mommy life and a social life. so you may also be experiencing that. i think by demonstrating your lifestyle in a "real" group or maybe several versus online, you may not have that problem.

for me the problem is finding people in their fifties who are getting out and doing things. tonite i went out with a bunch of movie goers to see 'the queen". most of them were in their thirites. it was fun and if i didn't have to pick my daughter up at her party, i would have gone to their last minute party at one of the member's houses afterwards. i think of the seventeen people involved maybe four others at most, maybe three men, were in my age group. one came with his daughter, just visiting and one was with someone. so, if you are not working and trying to do stuff, you just may also come across a younger crowd. if anything, that's been my problem. even my best female friends are in their thirties and lower forties. but you know what, it was fun and one more step towards integrating into my new "neighborhood" and finding a sense of real community. in fact, i kind of enjoyed the age spread, because it was like having family. on thanksgiving, we've been invited sight unseen (my daughter and i) to another groups vegetarian dinner. and, we have two other group events going on , as well as car pools over to the next county to visit their groups. it's great!
 Scifigeekgal
Joined: 4/30/2006
Msg: 34
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 12:57:00 AM
Hi there,

First of all I am disabled just like you HOWEVER I gotta tell ya to cheer up! It's not the end of the world in dating. I have an awesome boyfriend that I met on here, and my chronic illness does not bother him. I try to not talk about it too much as it can be depressing and I get depressed talking about it too, so I have been working on expanding my horizons through developing more interests and hobbies. My illness is not something I could necessarily hide (I have Fibromyalgia (FM) and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) ) unless I was having a good day but since my days are unknown, and I do not know how I am going to feel day in and day out, I do disclose my disability and explain very briefly what it is, what happens and don't go into deep detail even if they want to know. I figure that if they want to know in deep detail I will give them a website or two that explains it in full detail or they can look it up.

I am not dying or anything, it is just an illness I will have for the rest of my life but my illness does not define who I am as a person. Not talking about it a lot is rough to do as these ailments are very difficult and painful to deal with, however I rely on my Fibromyalgia and CFS support groups that I can talk openly about what I am going through as they have the same illness as I do and have the same experiences.

I would highly suggest that you change your profile and take out the bit about you being disabled and your profession as disabled. Being disabled in not your life choice i hope.

In your profile talk more about you and your interests. The ladies want to know more about you, and take out that you don't want a caregiver and all that there, it sounds so negative and offensive. In this world, when most people see disabled they already think caregiver, and I am going based on my past experiences.

Dating is not going to be an easy thing but I can tell you this, it gave me more insight in dealing with other people, and made it really simple in weeding out the shallow people. My boyfriend has been really understanding and compassionate, and I truly appreciate those characteristics that he has. So that's proof right there, that there are people out there that do have a heart and are open.

So to end my comment here, BE positive, and work on your profile a little.

Also spend some time on the forums looking up "disabled" or "disability" to find threads that have been talked about here. You will see some of my posts on there too, and see how I have progressed along the way too.

Keep Fishing! You'll find her!!!
 suzanne36_lkn
Joined: 4/14/2006
Msg: 35
Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 9:24:23 AM
Ratero, I dont think that, on a first date, I should be going to his house to help give him a bath and get him dressed. Maybe thats selfish? I dunno. I have no problem doing daily necessities when I'm involved with someone. But to walk in his house and say 'Hi, I'm Suzanne I'm here for our date. Let me help you get dressed' wouldnt exactly be appropriate, do you?

Who said anything about him being lower class? If anything, he put me in the position of being 'his caretaker' instead of being 'a date'. He also didnt say, ''maybe we could meet sometime''. He said ''maybe you can come help me get dressed one day if I dont have anyone else to help me''. Big difference.

The other two gentlemen that I've met who had needs like that, were very considerate and didnt expect everyone to cater to them. They liked their independence and determination, which I admire.
 SnowwolfII
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 36
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 3:39:47 PM
Wonderful link for info on Fibro and it's in plain English! I hope it's ok to put upthis link...

http://www.geocities.com/ccslilsis/iamfibro.html

Snowwolf
 RAZ49
Joined: 2/10/2004
Msg: 37
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 6:02:58 PM
See how confussing this can be? Some say to list it in my profile so women will know right away and then others say don't put it in there and tell them after the first date or so. I'm not depressed about my injury or disease, I've gotten over that and finally got used to feeling like a worth while human again too. Not being able to work can make you feel low alright but I have only had 2 dates in the last 3 years and that does get depressing. I could handle it OK if we met and din't "click", that happens but to not even get the chance is what bothers me.
 tishisdishy
Joined: 7/14/2006
Msg: 38
Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 6:20:20 PM
I wrote about this ......what about dating someone who is emotionally disabled.......NOT FAIR......cuz there is no physical showing of it.........

if that makes sense......
 Gary101
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 39
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 6:41:19 PM
hey raz, be up front abt your dis, never deceive! Lottsa money helps but can also hinder........hell, who knows who to trust?

You just go w/ your gut feelings and plunge into the fishin' pond, otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a life of lonliness....not fun!

I'm also disabled, here's a quick suggestion......try another free site, such as: www.dating4disabled.com . We'll do better there looking for companionship. You're welcome. Ain't I helpful n nice?
 RAZ49
Joined: 2/10/2004
Msg: 40
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:18:54 PM
Thanks for the link, I appreciate it.
 brn2dance
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 41
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 7:39:45 PM
I feel the truth should aways prevail. I have dated and still date men with disabilites. We all have problems, be it health or emotional. Some disibilites are appearent, like a missing limb, some aren't, like a heart, kidney,diabetes, or emotional problems. You would not want any person who would not date you because of your disability. These people are shallow and takers. Keep looking, God puts good people on the earth, who will date you for how you treat people and see you for the person you are. Remember you have to kiss 10 sometimes 20 toads until you find a princess, but in the end it was worth waiting. Nobody is perfect.
 Knightwriter34
Joined: 9/21/2006
Msg: 42
Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/19/2006 10:32:02 PM
There is hope still for one and all disabled folk on here. My hope was renewed the other night, from reading about a woman (which I like to think of as a friend) on here and her husband (a disabled veteran 100% rated) making a go of things again. The search may be long, and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the needle in the haystack, isn't a mythical find. I know it can be done, finding ONE person that can overlook the disability, and be happy WITH me.

For the ones on here that expose their narrow mind, and can't overlook a disability, just lets me know I'm glad I haven't messaged them to see if things could lead into a date or not. One less person to try and get their attention, when their attention isn't there to be gotten. Which is ok, because when I DO find someone to spend the rest of my life with, and they are still fishing on the same bait, I'll be that much happier! FISH ON
 Scifigeekgal
Joined: 4/30/2006
Msg: 43
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/20/2006 9:23:07 PM
Raz,

You are the one that posted and complained so if you are going to post then at a minimum remain openminded to whatever replies that you receive. It is up to YOU what YOU do with YOUR profile. It is up to you on how you are going to approach your dates with this information. I think many have given some good and some bad (in my eyes) suggestions, and for you, you just have to decide on what you would to do from there. Good luck!
 RAZ49
Joined: 2/10/2004
Msg: 44
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/21/2006 12:03:37 PM
I am being open mined but not sure which way to go. Some say tell them but not right away and some say I should put it in my profile so they will know before we even talk and then some say don't pu it in there and wait till after we get to know each other so they can see the real me. I do appreciate all the advice every one has given.
 scenicruzer
Joined: 10/20/2006
Msg: 45
Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:07:34 AM
I've been reading the many different threads on this base subject and have enjoyed reading the different views and opinions.
There are a few quotes I'd like to share that I think people need to remember when looking at any potential mate or even making new friends.

To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., "you cannot judge someone simply by the color of their skin or the condition of their body. You must judge the person by the content of their
character. "

"The key here is to realize that everyone is different, and a disability (or lack thereof) is simply a condition of the body, not the full measure of the man or the woman."

"that a person is only as disabled as you let them be and inside that person is someone whom isn't disabled and is worth getting to know."

"Disability is a matter of perception. If you can do just one thing well, you're needed by someone." Martina Navratilova

My 2 cents...
 Love to Cruise
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 46
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 11/23/2006 8:11:25 AM
For me it's hard to tell the difference between really loving the disabled person and feeling sorry for them.
 ableaussie
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 47
Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 9/14/2009 5:28:30 AM
Most people are ok with it.
Some women prefer us and say we are hot.
Have made many email contacts on the internet.
Look at things from our side!
 txtobyfan
Joined: 10/29/2005
Msg: 48
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 9/17/2009 5:28:32 AM
Actually, It was FDR who had polio....and I have Lupus....and I am disabled due to my back. I mean, the Lupus plays a huge part in my life as far as activity tolerance goes, but I still go and do cos otherwise I feel totally isolated. Any guys up to the challenge of dating a woman who has Lupus?
 txtobyfan
Joined: 10/29/2005
Msg: 49
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Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 9/17/2009 5:35:57 AM
PS to my last post.....along w ith the Lupus, I have fibromyalgia, and CFS. This doesnt stop me from being a loving and caring human being,and folks who actually love folks like me are awesome humans. RAZ....please start looking at the glass as being half full rather than half empty. People will notice your upbeat attitude long before they notice your handicap. If you lived closer,I might even would drop in on you,and get to know you. Let your loving and caring self shine!
 ableaussie
Joined: 4/17/2008
Msg: 50
Dating when you are disabled
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:39:15 PM
Very true,many tend to judge others and are often very wrong.
I would love to have a normal body but you have to work with what you have got.
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