| |
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 3:53:58 AM | (Msg 18) This situation seems to need some stirring up ... boink him and see what happens.
I think the OP should give due consideration to Arri's advice. Let's take a good look here.
The OP and the man in question have been cursed with bad timing. One is available when the other is involved. They both have the "hots" for each other and they are likely to remain friends coming into contact on a regular basis. The man has a girlfriend whom he believes is pushing to marry. Sounds like less that 100% enthusiasm/commitment on his part.
Here's where I see the problem. He marries. The OP meets someone and she may marry. They remain friends and the first major rough spot either of them encounter in their respective marriages they will seek solace in the arms of the other. The inevitable happens and both marriages become tainted. Everything from guilt and conflicted feelings to one or both marriages ending in divorce. Looking back at this time in their lives they'll question why they didn't deal with the situation. Their immediate concern about being considered a booty call or being unfaithful to a girlfriend will pale in comparison to the upheaval of one or both going through a divorce.
I think they have to ask themselves if there will ever be a better time to resolve this conflict. We're not always fortunate enough to have a problem and the ideal time to deal with it converge. It is not uncommon for a man and a woman who have a burning desire for each other to be intimate and realize it's not whom they're looking for. In other words if they actually experience their fantasy (become intimate) it may put their minds to rest. The right thing will have been done. In all likelihood it won't be as wonderous as they both think it will be. On the other hand, if it is, then they will have also done the right thing. They will have found true love and not entered into a relationship with someone else and only been capable of giving a portion of themselves.
A preventive boink? A discovery boink? As the OP wrote, "I have known a guy for a few years. We were attracted to each other in every way,..." A few years! It's time to lay this to rest one way or the other. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:02:00 AM | | It sounds to me like his fiancee needs to dump his pathetic butt. He's a grown man. If he didn't want to get married and he wanted YOU all that badly, he'd have dumped her by now and hopped into your bed. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:28:57 AM |
he is getting married next year! ......Translated.... He says...What we had felt in the past is over, I have moved on and suggest YOU do the same.
he said it was because his g'friend is pushing it .....Translated....He says.....I don't know how to tell you this without breaking your heart, but the bottom line is, I wanna grow old with my new g/f and not you.
Suggested course of action? FORGET HIM, if he truley wanted to be with YOU he would be.
  | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:41:24 AM |
and we both want each other badly! Anyway, as luck (or lack of) would have it, he is getting married next year!
Hmmmm....Seems to me if a guy wants a woman BADLY he doesn't go marrying a different one now does he?
Marrying her should really be a fairly obvious sign that he's not marrying you. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 31 | |
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:44:54 AM |
Hmmmm....Seems to me if a guy wants a woman BADLY he doesn't go marrying a different one now does he?
Sure he does. If the communication coming from her is encrypted ... and all men here know that women expect us to read between the lines. A skill that is very hard to master.
There is an old saying ... if you snooze, you lose.
Boink him. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 5:59:20 AM | Sorry to say, but I agree, if you want him to leave you alone, you should sleep with him. He'll leave you alone after that, because he will have finally caught and tagged the one he's been hunting down.
The others are right. Fiancee or no fiancee, if he truly had all these feelings for you, he would have told his girlfriend it's time to put on the brakes at the very least. He would not have told her, 'I lust this other woman but still want to marry you, dumpling.'
He lusts you, he loves her. Why you lust him and she loves him is kinda beyond me, but see it for what it is, honey. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 6:05:40 AM |
I have known a guy for a few years. We were attracted to each other in every way, BUT..
I was unhappily married (but married) and he had a g'friend. He lost the g'friend, BUT I was still married. I am no longer married, but he found another girl in the meantime.
How unfortuante. It seems you two just can't hit the same page!
We see each other a lot... not sexual (wanna be) but not... anyway, when we do see each other it's tough! We just have to touch and dance, and we both want each other badly!
Tread lightly.
Anyway, as luck (or lack of) would have it, he is getting married next year! When he told me, he said it was because his g'friend is pushing it (she knows about our feelings, he told her).
Sounds like he's making a really great decision! NOT. Being pushed into marriage is absurd. My ex-fiance tried to push me into marriage. I didn't marry her. 6 years later she ended up lying to me about something significant. I asked her to leave and pack her things. That was it, it was over.
I didn't think he should have said anything but he did! I bluntly told him that was "DUMB".
It wasn't something she needed to know, as long as neither of you were acting on it. In-fact telling her was a really great way to hurt her. He's a bright guy!
I am trying to back off even tho I don't wanna... so tell me? right or wrong? My heart says he is right for me, but my morals say it's wrong....do you think we can still be friends?? I have never been in this situation before...do I just want what I shouldn't have?
Friends is acceptable, however you'd be placing yourself in a compromising situation because eventually one of you is going to get weak and make a move. The wise choice is to simply ask him what he wants. If he makes the decision to end it with her -- then sure she'll be hurt, but no moral compromise will have taken place, nor any cheating. If he chooses to stay with her, that's his choice, and I'd suggest you severe ties -- because it would and could potentially [likely in-fact] lead to severe moral compromise.
It's not about right or wrong, it's about what serves you, and about who you want to be. You choose.
Yeah, I figured this would be tough! HE told me first... I just thought about it...a lot! He is definitely worth the effort, but I know I have to back off! Thanks... but it will be hard to do, but I am a lady and will do what's right! It's just difficult because he hunts me down...Well I guess I can move....LOL Thanks all!
You're making a wise move if indeed it has to be this way.
Ok, Ok, I was there when he told her... I am not a liar or cheat... reason she is still with him
I think you made that abundantly clear.
I am not a homewrecker...(they ain't married yet!) but I do know what I like and at my age I would hope I had sense... I will not run, but will back off! I have plenty of dates... was just wondering
Smart woman. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 7:48:16 AM | On Terylynn..that is such a difficult one.. how hard it must be for both you and him !!
The only thing I can say and what i've learned is "What's meant to be will always find a way!" and it's soo true. I hope things work out and if it's meant to be, you and he will be finally together !
All the BEst ! | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 8:13:27 AM | He is taken, back off and leave him alone.
Also ask you yourself if he wants you so badly why has he not just left his girlfriend?
At the end of the day there is no rule that says you must be with this person and you cannot leave.
He could leave his girlfriend for you, he chooses not to, kind of says it all really if you think about it.
He may just want his cake and eat it too just as if you are questioning your feelings perhaps yes you just want what you can't have but ony you can answer that question! | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/18/2006 8:36:47 AM | I'm sooooooooooo confused!!
On the one hand......if he really "wanted you badly", he
would be very stupid to marry someone else.......and even
more stupid if he's letting her "push" him into marriage.
On the other hand.......Dave makes a pretty darned good
argument for that whole "discovery boink".
Personally......with my adversion to cheating (cheaters suck)
I'd have to say....... tell him ......leave the GF and lets spend
a few days nekkid and see if we're the real deal. If he's not
interested in that, then he's lining you up to be the mistress
and / or lying to you about his feelings for you. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 12:09:14 PM | Thanks everyone... I got the replies I expected... I am moving on...life is too short to wait. If it is to be it will be, if not, I haven't lost a thing. I WILL NOT interfere, and I have not attended any activities they have been involved in! I will make it clear if and when I see him again that I am not a back-up and don't appreciate players. Sex doesn't make a relationship... so no "boinking". He really is a good man... just wrong timing... probably for a reason! I don't believe he is lying to me, but I agree it's wrong to talk and act the way he does in front of her... Not running, just walking away with my dignity intact, and knowing it's the right thing for now...  <img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>
oh yeah! I forgot... I WILL NEVER BE ANYONE'S MISTRESS! | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 38 | |
| |
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 12:15:18 PM | If someone loves you, they will BE with you. If he loved you, he wouldn't be getting married to someone else.
Let him go and don't be "pals" with him unless you want to be his "side dish" one day. If you feel you deserve better, go pay attention to the single, available guys who are genuinely interested in YOU. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 40 | |
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 12:36:49 PM |
If someone loves you, they will BE with you. If he loved you, he wouldn't be getting married to someone else.
Hugwash ...
All these cliches such as "it was meant to be, it will be" are for lazy people. When was the last time you saw a successful person that sat on the couch waiting for what was meant to be? 
Even if he really cares for you, if you think for a second that he is going to drop a sure thing and an investment of several years with his current partner ... to discover a potential future with you .. without even a green light from you ... you are mistaken.
The question here for the OP is .. you are almost 50 .. are you willing to give up on a good possibility because you are lazy? | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 12:50:04 PM | Hugwash ...
All these cliches such as "it was meant to be, it will be" are for lazy people. When was the last time you saw a successful person that sat on the couch waiting for what was meant to be? '
There's being lazy and there's common sense. Successful people don't make investments that do not give a return. In the OP's case, if she pursued this guy it'd be like dumping cash into a failing stock - because as long as he has someone else he intends to marry any pursuit of this guy by the OP is a complete and utter waste of time.
People who take your advice in situations like these are the ones who ignore red flags and get hurt in the end...
Even if he really cares for you, if you think for a second that he is going to drop a sure thing and an investment of several years with his current partner ... to discover a potential future with you .. without even a green light from you ... you are mistaken.
Sure thing vs love? Did you ever think for a second the guy might just be a player? He's probably keeping her close to the vest as a second choice in case something doesn't work out with his first choice. That isn't love, that's CYA.
If he loved her, nothing would stop him from being with her but that is not the case here.
The question here for the OP is .. you are almost 50 .. are you willing to give up on a good possibility because you are lazy?
Newsflash - the guy is getting married. If the OP was smart she'd take whatever is left of her self-respect and go find a guy that is as into her as she is him and not waste her time on someone who is making it plainly obviously she isn't #1 in his life. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 42 | |
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 1:19:11 PM | There's being lazy and there's common sense. Successful people don't make investments that do not give a return.
You just made my point here. What incentive does he have to even assume that there is a possibility of an investment here???? Why should he drop the stock that is performing well?
I suggested that she gives him the green light.
Sure thing vs love?
This concept of love is a nice romantic notion. We all want love and amazing sex ... and hope to find it .. but when it comes down to it .. marriage is all about lifestyle, companionship and partnership .. and age has a lot to do with it. We have the choice to wait and look for love for most of our lives .. but when the numbers start clicking up, the whole concept of growing old with someone becomes a serious reality.
Did you ever think for a second the guy might just be a player?
Not for a second. What has he done to indicate that he is a player?
I am going to trust the OPs standards. She discribes herself as a class act with strong moral values. If she has been hot for this guy for years, I am going to assume that he is worthy of it and he is a good guy.
Also, it has been stated by the OP that there has been a strong connection between them, but both of them have avoided exploring it because of their relationship situation. They maybe flirting right now because they know that this connection existences. Doubt either one of them is sure that the other one feels the same way.
Newsflash - the guy is getting married. If the OP was smart she'd take whatever is left of her self-respect and go find a guy that is as into her as she is him and not waste her time on someone who is making it plainly obviously she isn't #1 in his life.
For someone who seems to believe in romantic love, you seem to be really ready to sacrifice love for self esteem at a drop of a hat. I may have said go boink him to her in a tongue in cheek way, but I think she may need to tell him how she feels. I doubt the words would come out of his mouth and boinking discussed. She owes it to herself to find out if this connection is real or not. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 1:44:52 PM | Ok Arri, you know you are one of the guys on here that I most respect, but we need to look at this again. She was married, he wasn't, they felt a connection. Now he's engaged, she's free, and still feel the connection. Why didn't he seek her out before he got all involved with his fiancee is what I wonder. Also, he told his fiancee that he has feelings for our OP, which kind of makes me stop and pause. What good could possibly come from telling someone you intend to marry that you have feelings for someone else (especially one that was there before she came along)? To me, that kind of sounds like a duck.
Also, if he really felt this urge to be with the OP, and find out if they have more than flirting going for them, if he really felt it, I would think that he would put the brakes on with his current girlfriend (you know the old 'I need some space' speech). Honestly, I think he is toying with her. They may have a wonderful physical connection, but sometimes that excitement is enough to boost someone's ego just enough to keep them playing. Just my .02. We don't really know much about the situation, from the sounds of it, they see each other at dances or bars mostly, but we never got the full story. We never found out if there were telephone conversations, etc, or what other contact they possibly had. From what I read, it looks like he's just out for some fun and excitement. But what do I know, I'm one of the ones sitting on my computer chair waiting for Mr. Right to knock on my front door! | |
|
| |
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 2:17:16 PM | You just made my point here. What incentive does he have to even assume that there is a possibility of an investment here???? Why should he drop the stock that is performing well?
I suggested that she gives him the green light.
She's given him the green light in many ways. You can't possibly believe he's that dense that he doesn't see....
This concept of love is a nice romantic notion. We all want love and amazing sex ... and hope to find it .. but when it comes down to it .. marriage is all about lifestyle, companionship and partnership .. and age has a lot to do with it. We have the choice to wait and look for love for most of our lives .. but when the numbers start clicking up, the whole concept of growing old with someone becomes a serious reality.
I don't think that this is the case though because if he thought the OP was the right woman for him he wouldn't be "settling" for the one he has now. Marriage is a BIG commitment and a lot of men go to the altar kicking and screaming - hah.
Not for a second. What has he done to indicate that he is a player?
Well he's screwing around with the OP's feelings, that's a pretty good indication the guy is a player.
I am going to trust the OPs standards. She discribes herself as a class act with strong moral values. If she has been hot for this guy for years, I am going to assume that he is worthy of it and he is a good guy.
Are you saying that love can not or never has been be blind? We've all made mistakes, ignored red flags and let our heart guide us where we should have listened to our head. In this case she needs to listen to her head and focus on the men who are focused on her.
Also, it has been stated by the OP that there has been a strong connection between them, but both of them have avoided exploring it because of their relationship situation. They maybe flirting right now because they know that this connection existences. Doubt either one of them is sure that the other one feels the same way.
It's still wrong to flirt while the guy is engaged. If he really feels there's that strong of a connection and both are single he should RESPECT the woman he is enagaged to and break it off, regardless of whether he and the OP ever connect beyond what they have now.
It's not fair to his fiance' for him to harbor feelings for another. He should be 100% dedicated to her or not marry her.
Like my mom used to say. "Poop or get off the pot."
For someone who seems to believe in romantic love, you seem to be really ready to sacrifice love for self esteem at a drop of a hat. I may have said go boink him to her in a tongue in cheek way, but I think she may need to tell him how she feels. I doubt the words would come out of his mouth and boinking discussed. She owes it to herself to find out if this connection is real or not.
If that's what she needs to do to satisfy her curiosity then so be it. I'm not going to tell her how to live her life but the guy IS engaged and she has other, more available prospects... | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/20/2006 2:35:04 PM | Back away!!! He is getting married by choice AND he definitely isn't telling you the truth!!! No one can PUSH YOU into getting married.
He wants his cake and eat YOU too!!  | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/21/2006 12:28:15 AM | You will always be chasing rainbows and never finding your pot of gold.. He isn't worth it.
You know that if he wanted to be with you he would come hell or high water.. He isn't wanting to commit to anyone.. He might be settling just be happy he isn't settling for you.. You are worth much more my dear..
You need to search your heart.. I bet you often wondered what if but knew that it wouldn't last. So set out in search of someone that can complete your fantasy of a real love and someone that can make you # one and not second best.. You don't need it there are plenty of men out there that would be happy to make you their priority.. Stop selling yourself short and explore other possibilities.. One that will ultimately lead to a lifetime of happiness.. or at least offer you more than a moment. Best of luck in your quest for TRUE LOVE. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/21/2006 2:40:06 AM | After reading the exchanges between Jarbarian and Arri and Terylynn2006's comment,
(Msg 38) Not running, just walking away with my dignity intact... I have to agree with Arri.
Terylynn2006 has known this man for years. This is possibly the last chance they will have to find out if they're suitable. How would giving it a shot result in anyone losing their dignity or self-esteem? We keep hearing friendship is a prerequisite for sex. Surely we can say Terylynn and the gentleman are friends.
So, they have sex. What shame and dishonor could or would there be? On the other hand if the man marries and remains friends with Terylynn2006, knowing how they feel about each other, isn't an affair at least a possibility. Each time one has been free the other has been in a relationship. They both care for each other. Isn't that the stuff that leads to affairs?
Arri writes in msg 43,
I am going to trust the OPs standards. She discribes herself as a class act with strong moral values. If she has been hot for this guy for years, I am going to assume that he is worthy of it and he is a good guy.
That's a reasonable assumption. If the OP and the man explore the possibilities now at least it will prevent a possible affair in the future. And, again, where would be the shame? They have been friends for years and care about each other.
SimmahDahnNah~ writes in msg 44,
She was married, he wasn't, they felt a connection. Now he's engaged, she's free, and still feel the connection. Why didn't he seek her out before he got all involved with his fiancee is what I wonder.
Because she was married. The OP mentions that in the opening post.
I was unhappily married (but married) and he had a g'friend. He lost the g'friend, BUT I was still married. I am no longer married, but he found another girl in the meantime.
Some posters have suggested he is settling for the woman he is with. Others have stated he should be 100% dedicated to the one he is going to marry. I agree with both those statements.
As Arri mentions the numbers are climbing. Realistic folks know potential partners become fewer as they age. Also, one needs to build some sort of a base before their health deteriorates. There has to be "good times" to look back on. A history.
I suggest Terylynn2006 not let ego and pride rob her of what could be the ideal relationship. They are already friends. They have feelings for each other. Exploring them fully, before he marries, will result in one of two possible outcomes. Either they will end up together or they will realize they are not suited for a romantic relationship but their friendship will flourish. They will have answered the question and ended their wondering. If things don't work out the man can marry and his wife won't have to worry about them having an affair because it will have been settled. No affair. Two, actually three, happy people. As Spock would say, "It's the logical thing to do." | |
|
mscjn
|
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 49 | |
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/21/2006 3:07:57 AM | I feel for the poor girlfriend, ffs back off, how would you like to be in her shoes.If you were MEANT to be together (sigh)it would 've happened by now surely ......and as for him telling her about you!!! he loves the drama, as much as you do.
Go find someone single. | |
|
| He loves me... he loves me not...yeah he does!
Posted: 11/21/2006 5:10:25 AM | | I think he is confused, and you should back off. He has 2 issues to deal with: his attraction to you, and his relationship with the other woman. If he really doesn't want to get married, he shouldn't. If he truly loves the other woman and wants to be with her, he should leave you alone. Maybe you can be friends later on down the road, but right now he needs space to figure out what he really wants. | |
|
Home
login 
