| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/18/2006 10:53:25 PM | For four months, I worked for a guy who along with his wife had his own hedge fund. They got married during my period of employment. He was the worst person on Earth to work for.
His dreadful treatment of his employees extended to his wife. He regularly slammed the phone on her, if she called and he was in a bad mode. He denigrated everybody including her for virtually every possible mistake. She openly complained to me about this while I was there. I didn't try to understand either of them, because I disliked her as well, albeit less than him. She was passive-aggressive. She would take all her anger out on the lower-ranking employees like me. One time he and I went to this important event at the New York Stock Exchange, and she accused him of deliberalely skipping their son's award ceremony at school. She, of course, made all these accusations when talking to me, but did not repeat them to him. This woman was a real headcase. On my first day on the job, she described me to in graphic detail how her mother committed suicide, and how her son found out about it. This was the very first conversation she and I had, and she unloaded all of this on me. This guy's wife was totally ****ed in the head.
He, on the other hand, was just plain abusive. While I was absolutely certain that he would make a horrible husband for almost any woman, I was pretty firmly convinced that she was one of the few women with low enough self-esteem to tolerate, as she put it, his demeaning behavior.
Well, I left that job after only four months. The whole experience taught me a little bit about how some marriages seem to be all about abuse. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/18/2006 11:03:27 PM | | athletic2222 its mostly a self esteem issue with the woman. Many men who are abusive choose women who have lower self esteem than stronger independent women who would not put up with their crap, because the men know what kind of low life people they are. Once they win the woman with their charm (as these men usually start out quite charming) the abuse starts in very little amounts and along with that he usually attacks her self esteem and totally robs her of it. Because, the woman starts out being generally happy with the man she lets one thing slide, then another, then another and before she knows it, he is totally abusive and she believes that she is the worthless piece of crap he addresses her as, and treats her like. In addition, the man usually has cut her off from friends and family that would have generally helped her in the position she is in, making her totally dependent on him. That is how these men operate and why the women they choose remain with them. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/18/2006 11:16:29 PM | Like I've told people/still tell them in these situations.
Leave. If you remain and keep taking it over and over, I have no pity for you. There is way too many support groups/agencies to assist.
It's very very simple. I just don't buy into the 'it's complicated, etc.'. No, it's not complicated. No, it's not a matter of I've never had it to happen to me. No, it's not a matter of I don't understand the 'feelings' involved.
I have been there, been the recipient and it didn't take long to know the simple answer. Not some long drawn out process. Leave. Do not be around people who disrespect me or others. Period. Done deal. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/18/2006 11:18:33 PM | I have always thought of myself as a strong assertive woman but one day found myself in a abusive relationship(though it did take me awhile to realize it). I have to agree with gentleoldsoul...My relationship with my son's father was a great one...he never exibited any of the examples from above or I would have abandoned ship at any first signs of crazyness. After being together for almost two years, we became engaged and I became pregnant. Something changed in him almost over night...and what I did it's called rationalization(spelling). I figured he was having a hard time adjusting to our many life changes and that I needed to give him some space, support, and understanding. I made excuses for his behavior, and let him walk all over me. I allowed him to do all of the things above to me and more if you could imagine. Untill one day after having my son something in me snapped and when he hit me while I was holding our child..I physically kicked his ass and sent his sorry behind to the hospital. (Of course after putting the baby down)Thank GOD for older brothers in the USMC, I will never again complain of them picking on me!lol I then got a restraining order, had his property moved to his parents house, got full custody of our son, and went to counceling. Now I have deal breakers...I will not stand for disrespect or abuse of any kind..IF you are in a abusive relationship I urge you to seek help! The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from the man I loved for so long and the father of my son but it was totally worth it. Get help and get out...don't allow yourself to be the victim!!
By the way athletic if you would like to use my story or need any help with your research, feel free to contact me! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/19/2006 3:45:19 AM | Many people, including some in this thread assume victims are "stupid" or just "like suffering". That is the dumbest thing you could possibly say. Here is the truth:
Why Does the Victim Stay? There are numerous reasons for which men or women decide they should not leave an abusive relationship. Some of the more common reasons are listed below.
1: Children – victim’s often desire for their children to grow up with both parents.
2: Control – victims often believe that they can control the violence by doing what the abuser wants. This is almost never true.
3: Shame or embarrassment about their situation.
4: Isolation – many abusers will cut off relationships the victim has with family and friends, leaving the victim to feel alone and with no control over the situation.
5: Fear – the perpetrator will often make threats of increased violence and even homicide if the victim threatens or attempts to leave. Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% increased risk of being killed by the abuser as compared to women who stay with the abuser (House of Ruth, 1998)
6: Financial concerns – victims of domestic violence often feel they have lost all control over money and feel hopeless about their situation. In their first year after a divorce, a woman’s standard of living drops, on average, 74%, while a man’s standard of living improves by an average of 42% (Action Notes, 1989).
7: Deserve abuse – victims often have the false belief that the abuse is ‘deserved.’
8: History of childhood abuse – victims with a history of being abused as a child or witnessing domestic abuse in their family of origin often believe that violence is a normal part of a relationship.
The act of leaving an abusive relationship is a process.
Victims cannot assume that violence or the threat of violence will end when he/she leaves the perpetrator. Many perpetrators of domestic violence will stalk and harass former partners and victims of domestic violence for years. Some are often murdered.
Domestic violence robs victims of their fundamental human right to maintain a sense of control over their own lives. Victims of domestic violence often feel hopeless and powerless in regards to escaping the continuous abuse.
Source: The above information was adapted from materials provided on the following websites: http://www.houseofruth.org/; http://www.fvpf.org; http://www.ncadv.org
For those of you who actually care to help someone in a situation of this type here is some guidance.
Five Things You Can Say to a Victim Reluctant to Leave:
* I am afraid for your safety and the safety of your children.
* Without a change, the abuse tends to get worse.
* I am here for you when you are ready to leave.
* You deserve better than this.
* There are people who can help you.
Show Support:
* I believe you.
* The abuse is not your fault.
* How can I assist you in feeling safe?
* Help me to understand how you feel.
* Your reactions are normal for such a horrible experience.
Things NOT to Say to a Victim of Domestic Violence:
* I know that you are a battered woman/man.
* Did you try to stop the abuse?
* What did you do to provoke the abuse?
* Why don’t you just leave?
* If someone ever hit me, I know I’d leave immediately.
* That happened awhile ago, can’t you just forget about it?
(1)Source: http://ohcm.gsfc.nasa.gov/family/domestic/whyrelation.htm | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/19/2006 11:04:00 AM | There are many reasons why a person does not leave a disrespectful person. There are many ways to provide assistance. However, nothing will totally remedy the situation without the hurt person ...leaving...and if kids are involved, take the kids, then seek legal/emotional support avenues.
The very worst thing for small children-teenagers is to be exposed to a parent who puts up with being disrespected and/or abused. I've worked with enough dyfunctional families to have seen every possible scenario.
Be supportive yes to people who seek advice, but, do not coddle them. And, I am not afraid or hesitant to tell someone they are 'stupid' or 'dumb' for staying in a bad situation. It may anger them at me for a time, but, it has a high success rate of working...getting them to help themselves. That is what matters most.
NO excuses... including kids, no job, etc.
1. Children are better off with a single parent outside of an abusive/disrespectul situation.
2. Jobs can be found and there are agencies which will assist with day care expenses.
As I said, I've been there/done that...but, only once...all it took was a couple of disrespectful scenarios for me to get the hell outta Dodge. I also went on to earn a graduate college degree with two kids while working two jobs....then, actually practiced mental/physical healthcare to clients. Sooo, am not saying anything here that I didn't say to them.
Once people realize this is not rocket science... it becomes easier to simply leave and get on with life in a better mental health state of mind. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/19/2006 11:22:15 AM | I'd agree with pretty much everything that has been said above--and I think that low self-esteem is the critical issue, whether it pre-dated the relationship or plummeted within it.
But also, no one can be reduced to one element--or even a series of elements--of their personality. An abuser is rarely JUST that. He/she is also many other things, some of which can be attractive enough to make it difficult to leave the whole person, especially if the worst manifestations of the abuse are relatively rare (e.g., physical violence). Weirdly enough, an abuser can also bring joy to their partner, even if they are screwed up enough to feel joy just because it's been "great" for a couple of months, etc. But maybe the two people share a passion or an interest; maybe the abuser can also be incredibly thoughtful; maybe he or she is intellectually compelling. The point is that one of the insidious things about the whole dynamic is that while people around a victim of abuse are perplexed that he or she stays in the relationship, the person actually being abused finds himself or herself incapable of expressing why they stay. His or her friends know that the abuse should be the ONLY critical issue--while the person in the relationship finds it impossible to compartmentalize their feelings in that way. It's easy to see the obvious answer from the outside, because the outsider has never actually loved the abuser.
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/19/2006 12:28:02 PM | I would never stay with someone that did that. There are to many man out there for that shit.  But maybe she does have very low self esteem or just does not want to be by herself and puts up with just to have someone.  You only put up with what you let them do to you. So she will see and tell him to go to hell. Or she is going to keep letting him do it. And than its on her. It is what it is. She needs to wake up | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 11/19/2006 3:08:02 PM | | Ya know I really don't think there is any one answer to this, as you can see from all these posts! I know from my own experiences that it just creeps up on you....I have no self esteem issues really...I know I am smart, funny, kind and very happy with my life....ya I could loose a few pounds ...in the big picture (not a pun..lol) who really cares...anyway.....It disrespect slowly creeps in...you let it happen to you.....somethings you let slid then bang....you are right where you didn't want to be "in a crappy, disrespectful relationship"""...the only thing is we do it to ourselves...we just have to learn how not to let people do this........ummmm sounds easy but it's not! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 3/24/2007 1:58:13 AM | NO! if a man disrespect's you then you dont need him leave him get yourself a good man and you will always be happy respect is everything in a relationship and if its not there then he's not the one for you, dont fool yourself into thinking you can change him, its not going to work you'll lose time you could have hand with the man who will treat you right, and look at it this way if he desrespect's you now and you marry him down the line who know's what he will do to you?. So in the end in a relationship your first love your true love and soul mate should be you! dont look for someone to make you happy or love you love yourself first and you will never be sorry because then you will see people for who they truly are and you will know that they are no good for you and are not treating you right if you love yourself enough when you meet the wrong guy you will say to yourself should i be treated like this would i treat myself like this? ask youself these questions and if you get a no move on and get out before its to late. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 3/24/2007 2:18:53 AM | | I would have to agree with him But yeah i was alway curious i mean damn leave his ass and go with some one that is going to take care of her and treat her right i mean there are olenty of us nice guys but apparently thats not what some woman want they want the****eads that screw around on them!! | |
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tigerg
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Joined: 3/13/2007
Msg: 38 | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 3/24/2007 2:47:11 AM | When I did it was for a couple of reasons:
1. Low Self-esteem
2. I grew up in an abusive home as a child
3. I thought more about the "good" times with him than the "bad" | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/2/2007 1:54:27 PM | | Unfortunately, in todays society, we as women are used to that kind of behavior, our mothers endured it, so as our role models, most us don't know any better, it's consider the norm in our world. And, some of us don't believe there are men out there that can truly treat us with respect! And, some women just plain like the adrenaline high they get being with a BAD Boy image kind of man. They crave that excitement, they love the drama, and again, goes back to what they saw in their household, dysfunctional behavior is considered the norm for alot of women today. It's even happening in the Jr. High schools now... sad.. but so true! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:03:19 PM | | First off, you should never stay in an abusive relationship period! Especially if you have children, because all you're doing is showing that child/children, that it's okay to allow that kind of behavior to occur in their lives as they grow up to be adults. If anyone is out there experiencing abuse, and it doesnt neccessarily have to be physical abuse, it can be verbal, emotional abuse in the form of criticism, put downs, yelling, and screaming. ABUSE IS ABUSE. GET OUT! BECAUSE EVENTUALLY, VERBAL ABUSE CAN AND WILL TURN VIOLENT! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:06:47 PM | | Geesh, why would you call someone "stupid or dumb" for being in an abusive relationship? Isn't this a form of abuse on your part too? Can I suggest you find another job, because it sounds like you may need to be a bit more sympathetic to what is happening to your clients! Calling them names isn't going to make them feel any better, they already have low self-esteem and don't need you to add to it!! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/2/2007 2:11:13 PM | | I think the bottom line here is, the abuser him/herself is a victim also! The abuser learned it from somewhere/someone in their household growing up! So, let's not trash the abuser and place the whole blame on them. Both parties involved, will need counseling and understanding... no bad words, no name calling, no referring to who is or isnt "stupid or dumb." Unfortunately this is the way of the world, and unfortunetly we may never stop the VIOLENCE, but we can help to understand it and treat it, and helpthose involved in it! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/2/2007 3:27:35 PM | I was perusing the "Urban Dictionary" one day on the internet. I found a very interesting definition in there of "nice guy" or "nice girl" this could answer some of those questions. I will never again call myself a "nice guy". I am clean, decent, respectful, caring, etc. but I have dignity and will not allow that to be undermined by a anyone, even a woman I care for.
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/2/2007 3:34:13 PM | I think the difference between an abusive man aka bad guy, and a non abusive one aka nice guy. Is that the "nice guy" does not know enough to draw the line if she starts using him as a doormat. You have to be able to walk away.
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/2/2007 3:44:12 PM | I really dont understand it either. I have a friend who is going through the same thing.
She really likes this guy, want them to be exclusive and doesnt want to lose him. But, He is dating another woman and from what she describes to me, he is probably sleeping with this other woman as well.
She recently caught him in a lie as to whom he was actually with a few nights ago, but she remains with her notion that someday he will snap out of his ways. This guy is 41 yrs old mind you. Personally I dont think he is going to.
I tell her over and over how much I think she is letting this guy walk all over her and letting him away with it. I guess there really isnt much I can do at this point. She is grown woman, capable of making her own decisions, even if most people would agree with me when I tell her to dump this guy and find someone who is willing to give her exclusivity.
Personally, if it were me? I would have left the moment I knew I was being played like that. I cant stand games like that when it comes to relationships.
V! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/6/2007 7:56:06 AM | | I agree with some of the posts. What started out as an awesome relationship and blossomed to love slowly began to fall apart. I did not have any self esteem problems, I had a fantastic childhood (parents are still together, no abuse). For me, it was the HOPE that this was some phase he was going through and he would become the man I originally fell in love with again. He had some major issues and a shi### childhood, I THOUGHT I could help him. I was WRONG. In a nut shell, I finally realized that the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was gone. (All a facade for the first nine months). I could not "get back" this guy because he really never existed !!! Some people can just PRETEND to be something they are not until you love them and are willing to sacrifice part of yourself. Eventually, at least in my case, I realized that I was "in love" with the past and it would never again surface. No matter how much I gave to him, how much I bent and turned the other cheek, nothing would ever change. I learned to LOVE ME again, instead of suppressing myself. It was a journey that was very painfull, I am stronger and wiser for it though... | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/6/2007 8:02:59 AM | I don't know why anyone would find disrespect "appealing" and remain in that type of relationship. I will NOT tolerate it from anyone.
Some can't be alone, have low self-esteem or maybe have not experienced anything different??? If someone tolerates this type of behavior they themselves need some help in order to break that pattern/not attract that type of person. | |
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