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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/26/2007 12:39:50 AM | | well as a woman who is dating and in love with a man who doesn't respect or give a fig about her, sometimes you just realize you're too fat, too ugly, too unlovable to do any better. That apparently, its all you are worth. Sad, but true. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 12/26/2007 1:12:23 PM | Stocholm Syndrom. It is how they call it. I am not sure it a case here but it is possible.
She can't recognise that it is NOt the way it should be. A knew someone who has adopted a girl. She didn't have a good family until that age. She is a grown- adult now...
Years of therapy, thousands of dollars, some sort of improvement of course but still inability to manage a lot of relationships, a pattern of attracting abusive men, suspicions that people want to lie to her and hurt her, clear episodes of negativity toward others.
She is good gal but somehow she thinks it is o.k. to be treated poorly in relationship.
The therapy helps and she personally under the impression that it helps a lot but it is pretty much the same old way of acting.... | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 1/17/2008 7:57:09 PM | Respect for all human beings is a cornerstone to civilization.
That being said, or writen actually, I could never respect anyone who is physically or verbally abusive to a woman. Ladies, if that happens to you, you need to exit as soon as possible. Life is too important to tolerate that.
Everybody loses their temper and gets angry from time to time. But that doesn't excuse violence. Get the hell out, as soon as you can.
I'm not a pacifist. Violence can be called for to protect the innocent or a loved one, or to maintain liberty. If someone threatens an innocent or a loved one or liberty, then corrective action is required, and this may involve restraining or incapacitating the offender. But this does not apply to a relationship, only to thugs, criminals, or those who seek to remove liberty and impose their own will.
AUTHOR: Thomas Jefferson (1743–1826)
QUOTATION: The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is it’s natural manure.
ATTRIBUTION: THOMAS JEFFERSON, letter to William Stephens Smith, November 13, 1787.—The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, ed. Julian P. Boyd, vol. 12, p. 356 (1955).
That's what I was trying to say.
Blessed be~
JD | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:05:46 PM | I don't so I can't answer this , other than what I know from previous patients/friends/family who have been in said situations and stayed.
lack of self esteem , you feel so bad about yourself you think you can't do any better.
fear of being alone - it's better to be with someone who treats you poorly than being alone.
I have a good friend who is in a relationship with a man who constantly belittles her, name calls and yells , Every time I hear/see it, I thank my lucky stars that no matter how lonely I may feel sometimes, I would not , could not, settle for that sh*t. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:25:52 PM | It's hard to give up on a dream. It's hard to give up on something you have invested your everything in....emotions, thoughts, dreams, finances. Like a business enterprise. Someone/something you gave everything to, until you had nothing left to give, and even beyond that, so much you burnt out. You don't want to realize that it's not working, and you believe you are worthless, because by then you are bitter, jaded, not so happy-go-lucky, have tiny lines in your face that tell everyone what you have been through (or so you think)...because you failed. Or so you believe. You didn't get the right partner, because you are a loser with issues. Or so everyone says (kind of...;))Your partner mistreated you, because you somehow deserved it, since you let it happen. Because you're too stupid to find a way out...or so you think. You're loyal, and true, and believe in the good winning eventually (because of all those fairy tales read to you at bed-time), and so you hang in there, even when the going gets tough.
By then you believe that you have nothing left to give to someone else, because you have already given this one everything; that no one else would want you or even look twice at you. And even if, that your own negativity would attract the wrong types anyway, and people would only perceive you a certain way, and not understand you.
Added to that is financial isolation, then you usually have a child to care for(most in this situation have children. For singles, it's easier to just get up and walk away, with the child you're looking at everything differently - finances, how a separation would affect them, decreased standard of living-how that would affect them...)
Add to that no suppport group (family or friends) and you find yourself stuck.
I also find that nowadays, people don't like to be friends with people "with problems". No one wants to be "emotionally drained", or get too deeply involved in other people's "issues". So people in this situation often find themselves isolated without true friends to fall back on --don't want to "burden" or feel ashamed towards their existing acquaintances--through no fault of their own...or even their partners. But society in general...
And there you have the "devil's circle", crude but apt translation of "Teufelskreis".
I'm so tired of hearing it has to do with how you were raised, or low self-esteem, and all these slogans...it's not. This topic is as varied as the people it affects, and it's not just women. Men too.
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 1/17/2008 8:59:04 PM | You're writing a book?
Okay - here's some information for it. I stayed because he could be as nice as he was mean. For every nice thing he did, he did or said something mean which continually balanced things. He was totally respectful at times and at other's - totally disrespectful. To put it in a nutshell - this is the stuff of co-dependence. You stay because there are benefits, but it's almost as if you have to pay for those benefits with the bad stuff. It's like taking the bad with the good, constantly. It's a strange balance, but somehow it can be enough to make you want to stay. You start thinking, well 'what really is healthy'? Is anything really healthy or is there always an underlying thing going on, even in the relationships which you see that seem to be good. Are they really good behind closed doors. Why are there so many divorces and breakups? Do people really work things out, or if the going gets tough, do the tough always get going ...? Do many people have healthy relationships or is there always something going on which keeps them from being as healthy as they should?
Since, as I said, there were a lot of good things about this relationship, there was a lot of drunken abusiveness too. But again, I could say - well he doesn't know what he's saying or doing when he's drunk and he always feels terrible the next day because he's knows he's overstepped his bounds and is truly remorseful. No - it's not healthy but when you're in this kind of relationship long enough - you actually get used to it. It becomes very difficult to see what 'normal' really is or what it should be. You feel you can't live with the person, but are not sure how you would live without them. 'When they are good, they are very very good, and when they are bad they are horrid'.
It's never cut and dried. It's not as though people stay (by choice) with people who are ALWAYS abusive and NEVER nice. People who stay with abusive people because they feel their life is threatened is very different from people who stay with abusive people who they know have a lot of good in them too. I'd say most abusers don't even know that a lot of the stuff they do is abusive, because it's stuff they grew up with. They see it as a normal sorting out of differences and a way to get their point across. Is it right? NO! Should anyone allow themself to be treated in such a way? NO! But as to why people stay, it isn't because they enjoy being abused, but many aren't abused every single second of the day. There can be great times in between.
Also, when you're with someone who is abusive and you really know that they don't realize they are, it can become a lifelong mission to teach them that they do not have to treat people the way they may have been treated themselves. Should anyone undertake that mission? Well - it's a tough call, especially when you see how much potential a person has to be the great person they could be.
So why stay? I guess it depends on what type of abuse you're willing to put up with. I would never have stayed with someone who was physically violent with me, so we all have a line in the sand that we draw and that's mine. I'm not saying that emotional/verbal abuse doesn't wear you down, because it certainly can. I'm only trying to tell you, from my point of view, that I've found all of my relationships difficult for one reason or other and that there are many different forms of abuse which don't come into these categories, and I believe that relationships just are difficult - period. They teach us about ourselves, and some of the lessons are ones we don't want to learn or aren't ready to learn. It seems to me that most people want to be in a relationship, but they expect to find that perfect one, and after being in many, I've yet to come close ... | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:08:52 AM | BUSTED...
I am so guilty as this.
Putting up with:
The first: A shotgun to the head/Cheating/lying
The second: Cheating/Lying.
The third: Lying/lying/lying
My heart was so broken to trust... it's was sad!
I have learned to believe in myself, to love myself and to live by the Secret!
First sign of Disrespect I am gone!!!
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:22:24 AM | | Shouldn't this be in the 'Ask A Girl' area? The quick answer to why dames do this is that they are dumb enough to enjoy it. It reminds them of how their daddy's treated them, and their mommies. It reminds them of their first badboy BF who gave them their first hump. They think they deserv it...and they are right. If they put up with it they do deserve it. You will never hange these idiot femmes, so don't try. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:41:01 AM | ["Why would you stay with anyone who does any of that? "]
In my case it was because I had hope that my ex husband would someday see me as a person that deserved his respect instead of someone he felt he needed to rescue from my history. I even worked to educate myself knowing he placed high regards for women who were educated. I stopped at my Master's degree when he told me one day during a heated discussion that I couldn't tell him anything because I didn't have my Ph.D. (not gonna get my Ph.D either....to much damn research involved....maybe one day my law degree though..who knows). I had one of the ah ha moments when I knew that no matter what degree I held he would never have any respect for me. That is when I found my self worth and it took me 12 years to find it....but hey I got a Master's degree in social work out of it.... | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 12:30:54 PM | I think if you respect yourselves, this wouldn't even be an issue for anyone that has self respect.
I couldn't do it. No one should have to.
I would rather be alone than be with someone in any way abusing me. Verbally-Mentally- or Physically.
I am sorry for all those who allow this to happen,
There is no reason to put up with it.
I have seen this to happen more with people that drink alcohol-some just cannot handle it and become very cruel. It is still no excuse or free pass--NOT TO ME!
I would rather be alone that be with someone who treats you bad.
I pray more men and women will get away from that behavior, It is NOT healthy in anyway--even if times are GOOD at time, It's just not worth it and how could they be that good with that hanging around-- never knowing when he or she will SNAP.
There are WAYS OUT!
I am gone 1st sign of it,
I know what it feels like- someone trashed me online- that I loved ,and shared my life with and made love to. I trusted him,
It made me very Sad- I was familiar with that feeling as he spoke bad about me before to a friend, she told me- and I believed HIM,
When I read what he wrote- about me---for everyone to see...... I knew.....he lied before.
I got away and wished him the best, It would only get worse. How could you ever trust him again..being afraid to have a simple disagreement or say how YOU FEEL.
And call that LOVE?????
There ARE Nice GUYS in this world and GOOD women,
You have to believe in YOURSELF. We are all worthy of LOVE!
There isn't anything or anyone, worth taking away `your self respect and `dignity!~
NOT to me- anyway. I am sorry people let this happen.
The HERO Lies IN YOU! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:18:09 PM | | recently broke it off w/ my gf, and that was her very problem~took me awhile to figure it out though. Her infractions of disrespect were minor, but bothered me nevertheless. In the end I realized that her upbringing had a lot to do w/ it, and that her father had basically left the mom when she was a young teenager. Anyways, I gave her a couple of chances and then saw that nothing was going to change. Never stay in a relationship where someone disrepects you....just get out. Unfortunatley, some get stuck in these types of relationships for financial reasons. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 1:34:41 PM | | You can do it girl!!! Stay Strong; stay as much as you can with a best friend; a girl in your life that can not stand that SOB; let her say what is true, change your cell phone number...get serious; I promise you will be such a better person! Good Luck! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 2:14:55 PM | Have read all of the posts and know that there are a variety of reasons people allow others to treat them badly ...
What I have a hard time understanding is how or why a woman (or anyone, for that matter) would actively choose this type of relationship, whether it be physically or mentally abusive or one based in disrespectful behaviors ... suffer all of the negative consequences that type of dysfunctional relationship embodies ... be granted the insight to see the reality of their situation and have the sense and opportunity to get out before any real harm is done ... and then step right back into the same abusive cycle with like - minded men during their next relationship(s) ... I can't tell you how many of my close girl friends repeat this destructive cyclical behavior and then are so quick to label all men as abusive, cheating, lying and controlling ... meanwhile, the guys that look after their best interests, treat them well and with respect, honor them as women and contribute far more good than not are often relegated to "let's just be friends" column ...
I swear, it's almost as if these women intentionally seek out the Bad Boy because they seek drama, like living on the edge or believe that they are the ones that can change the ways of an abusive partner ... yet these women are unable or unwilling to take ownership of their part in allowing for or enabling this type of abusive or disrespectful behavior to occur. I empower ALL women to demand that their partners treat them with loving kindness and respect.
No one can treat you badly more than once ... any time after that, the responsibility falls as much on you for allowing that type of behavior too happen as it does on the abuser for doing it. JMHO
jeffery | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 2:20:34 PM |
I swear, it's almost as if these women intentionally seek out the Bad Boy because they seek drama
You nailed it.
I think that where there is actual abuse, however, the motivator to stay is probably fear more than anything else. That's a horse of a different color.
As for the bad treatment (non-abusive), some women DO crave the drama that sort of thing produces. No one knows why.. at least not for certain. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 4:25:18 PM | Some people fear being alone more than they fear the abuse.Having a man, any man is better than singlehood.
These men are often , as has been mentioned very charming at first, sucking in the woman.Then they start the abuse in little insidious ways.When the woman objects, they say,they were joking and the woman is being too sensitive.They make it her fault.
They abuse and are then nice and contrite for a while, creating false hope that they might change. Its an illusion of course.This hot and cold behavior creates addiction to the relationship for the abused person.Always hoping things will change, its kind of like a gambling addiction, always hoping for the pay off.
Abusers see everything as your fault, they give off that critical vibe . Self awareness is not one of their virtues.The critique can beat people down and make them feel worthless.Noone should be blamed for getting drawn into relationships like this, its happened to the wiliest of people.It takes a brave person to leave and make a new life. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 4:47:10 PM | | He has lowered her self esteem by telling her she can't do any better and making her feel worthless and she believes it that's why it's so hard for her to leave. He's brainwashed her. He's abusive towards her and that's what abusers do, it's a control factor for them. I am a domestic abuse survivor myself. She needs counselling in order to boost her self esteem and help her cope. I hope she will find the strength and courage within to leave him. She deserves so much better. The best thing you can do is be a friend and continue to be supportive of her. Her decision to leave has to be that, her decision. I hope for her sake she does leave him. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 5:05:23 PM | I am glad I have never been one of these people. I never have understood why "people" let alone women stay with this type of person.
I agree with the post that says low self esteem, and this is probably one of those people who can't be alone. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:09:28 PM | My heart is breaking right now for anyone who has been in this situation. I always was the one saying what most of you are saying, "why would anyone stay in this abusive relationship?", and then, what the heck, my ex-husband just got sentenced to two years yesterday for trying to kill me. He was apprehended by 15 officers, one whom he assaulted. I was told asked by the DA what my cost was? LOL, how does one answer this damn question. It cost my self respect, how do you get paid back for that.
Anyway, I don't think anyone of us are looking for drama, or attention. In fact I was just as normal as any of you, never in an abusive relationship, hated anyone who ever hit a woman, child or elder. My ex is loved by so many, and many of them believe him, you know, he did nothing. It's my fault that I made him so mad that he took a butchers knife and tried to take my life. I happened to be in my house with one of his best friends, and he got in between myself and my ex. Both being Navy Seals, it got real ugly, but, his friend got him away. It was terror for me for 2 months until he was caught. Happened to be my birthday and he left me a message that he was going to find me and that I would remember my birthday forever. After (unwanted drama), I was put in protective custody, and locked in a CVS Pharmacy with my daughter, and driven away in a police car, taken to the station, where I was questioned for over several hours. Oh yes, this was my fault. Don't think for a second people don't want to blame someone. Anyway, I am sorry for anyone that goes though this, and I hope you can all understand there are no books, movies or seminars that can prepare anyone to be abused. Oh and for all of you who are self appointed judges sitting here so bored that you want to figure out why someone stays with an abusive person, I did for the last year of my 4 year marriage, being beaten, mentally tortured and emotionally stipped of pride, as to why, you really don't need that information, for you wouldn't believe it if it hit you in the face. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 6:29:22 PM | Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Often it's lack of self esteem, they make you believe that is all you are worthy of and no one else would want you. "you tell your self you deserve nothing better and you blame your self for his mistakes or any wrong you think you have done..
You finally get your sh-t to gether, start realizing he is the one that has no self esteem but it makes him feel good to see you believing it and know he is in control.
It used to be :
"you made your bed, you lie in it." you feel you have failed if you walk out,
We tell our selves we love the sucker if there happens to be a time he is not angry.
We finally come to our senses and get the H ..out
Why are so many of us afraid of taking a chance and falling in love again??? | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 9:37:03 PM | OP
A man such as you have described is usually NOT like that in the courting stage and sometimes well beyond the courting stage. He gets comfortable in "disrespecting" his partner once he feels confident in his ability to keep her. (ie She is totally in love with him, or she is dependent on him, or often when there are babes dependent on her).
Why does she stay with him once he becomes "disrespectful"? Well, she's bewildered. This new behaviour doesn't resemble the man who wooed her. He may even blame her behaviour for this new "disrespect" he shows her. So, instead of leaving him, she will try to alter her own behaviour that he claims upsets him and causes him to "disrespect" her. He shows her enough of his former wonderful self to keep her believing, hoping and off-balance.
If the man as such as you have described, was disrespectful from the outset and his partner remains for the abuse, I would venture that she has incredibly low self-esteem and doesn't expect that she's worthy to be treated any better.
These are the answers that I know to why women will stay with "disrespectful" men. | |
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