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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 10:40:41 PM | | I think they would stay out of feeling hard-up...or merely out of boredom with life itself. I'd recommend some solitary time and some serious booze...also alone...to figure it out that it's simply not worth the while. Love, Titus | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/18/2008 11:03:21 PM | RE: 97
"Oh and for all of you who are self appointed judges sitting here so bored that you want to figure out why someone stays with an abusive person, I did for the last year of my 4 year marriage, being beaten, mentally tortured and emotionally stipped of pride, as to why, you really don't need that information, for you wouldn't believe it if it hit you in the face"
ruupforfunny, I have seen a few different threads of this nature and in one, actually tried to explain what you did, about a family member not myself, and was bashed for it. I commend you for what you said.
What people also don't seem to realize, in some cases, it's that attitude that keeps the women or men IN this type of situation because they have not only been stripped of their self respect but are now ashamed to admit what has been going on. They feel that THEY will be blamed, and unfortunately as you can see, in many cases they are. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/19/2008 2:35:38 AM | i agreew ith with miss mewsic....
legal costss and prison can't be good...so is turning the "other cheek" worth it?
that's what i ask.....end all be all men can not survive without the punani and i am a firm believer in power of the punani..men want it so why not give it up and show them who's boss..LOL | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/19/2008 3:31:35 AM | Do any of these questions sound familiar? "Why don't you leave if it's that bad?" or "How can you let this happen?" or "If I was you I wouldn't put up with that." or how about the king of asinine questions... "Why don't you just kick him out?"
By asking those questions or making those statements, friends and family members are re-victimizing us. Not having been abused, they do not know what it's like to feel totally worthless and ashamed. Their self-esteem has not been stomped into the floor. They have not been punched, kicked, slapped, shoved, humiliated and degraded. They do not understand how the whole process of abuse gradually deteriorates soul and self... piece by piece.
Only those of us who have been abused can understand why we've stayed. We have a million reasons why we can't stay and million reasons why we can't leave. We all have our personal reasons. Here are some reasons why many of us either don't leave or feel that we can't leave our abusive relationship or situation:
Fear: The number one reason for not leaving is fear. According to the American FBI, up to 40% of female homicides, in any given year, occur when the woman decides to leave the abusive relationship. Our fears are not unfounded! Given this fact, it is very important that our expression of fear not be minimized. If a decision to leave has been made, a safety plan must be put in place if you have reason to be afraid for your life. Don't take any chances if your partner threatened to kill you. When you're dead.. you're dead... that's it.
Lack of Resources: Since one of the major components of abuse is isolation, we often lack a support system. Our family ties and friendships have been destroyed, leaving us psychologically and financially dependent on our abusive partner.
Lack of Finances and Economic Reality: The economic reality for women [particularly those with children] is a bleak one. This is especially true for those of us who have not worked outside the home. Economic dependence on the abuser is a very real reason for remaining in the relationship. Public assistance programs have been drastically reduced and those that remain provide inadequate benefits.
Children: Being a single parent is a strenuous experience under the best of circumstances, and for most battered women, conditions are far from the best. The enormous responsibility of raising children alone can be overwhelming. Often, our abuser may threaten to take the children away from us if we make attempts to leave.
Feelings of Guilt: Sometimes we may believe that our husband is "sick" and/or needs our help; the idea of leaving can thus produce feelings of guilt.
Promises of Reform: Our abuser promises it will never happen again; we want to believe this is true.
Sex-role Conditioning: Most women are still taught to be passive and dependent on men. In addition, we generally accept the responsibility for success or failure in our relationships; to leave is to admit failure.
Religious Beliefs and Values: Religious beliefs reinforce the commitment to marriage. Many faiths hold that the husband is head of the family and it is our duty to be submissive to him. This may be a powerful reason for staying in a destructive relationship.
Societal Acceptance and Reinforcement of Violence to Women & Wives: Many people turn a "deaf ear" to marital violence and believe that what goes on behind closed doors is a "private matter." The observance of a burglary, child abuse, or even cruelty to animals in the neighbourhood might quickly be reported; whereas, an assault on a wife or significant other may not and often is not reported.
Love for Spouse: Most people enter a relationship for love, and that emotion does not simply disappear easily or in the face of difficulty. After a battering, our abuser is often extremely penitent. Because our self-esteem is so low following the incident, the apologies and promises of reform are often perceived as the end of the abuse.
I thought this was interesting so I cut and pasted it,
I am sure most of us who have been abused have went over these questions over and over again trying to find the answers.
blueangel | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/19/2008 3:45:30 AM |
Doesn't call when they say they will,
Makes plans and doesn't show up,
Makes excuses about commitment (just lies),
Hits you,
Mental abuse,
Cheating,
Lies,
Steals,
Why would you stay with anyone who does any of that?
I havent and frankly...Ive never been in a relationship that involved any of those things.
Infact referring to my marriage...my ex hubby disrespected me 3 times in one week and although one form of disrespect I only found out 5 months after the fact.
That was it...over. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/19/2008 6:36:22 AM | | tig53 a woman can learn to be confortable with love, attention and understanding as well. The evil you know is not better .....step out of the box gf! it is ok to say "f**k Y**" | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/20/2008 10:24:47 PM | I DONT !! but i do have friends that do, and most of the time, i believe its becouse they have no self esteem, desperate, or dont know any better .... | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/21/2008 4:49:50 PM | I DONT !! but i do have friends that do, and most of the time, i believe its becouse they have no self esteem, desperate, or dont know any better
I can agree with that a little bit speaking for myself. Part of it is that, but part of it is there is too much pressure and stress and lack of communication in relationships. I just wonder if it is worth it at times. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/21/2008 7:02:27 PM | | The obvious answer is low self esteem. It's really sad for your friend. Sometimes I find myself thinking that perhaps I deserve to be talked to disrespectfully or maybe I can't do any better and this is my best shot at being with someone. Myabe your friend feels the same. ,It's not fair to your friend to have to be treated like that but like you always hear, you can't help someone who doesn't want to change. I think alot of people are ignorant ( not stupid ignorant ,just they havent been through this type ofsituation ) when it comes to abuse. Sometimes people have not known anything but abuse. It sounds like your friend has been with more than one guy who has treated her poorly so perhaps she feels this is the way a relationship works. At the end of it the only thing you can really do is support her because obviously the losers she has been with are not doing just that. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/21/2008 7:21:17 PM | maybe women stay out of loneliness or afraid to stand up on thier own and speak up for themselves.
its like an addiction almost, going back to the same person who promises to change themselves. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/21/2008 7:35:12 PM | Yes - it's the devil they know. The unknown is much scarier and there is comfort in the familiar. I will cut them off at the knees before they ever get that familiar with me. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/21/2008 8:48:49 PM | Society has brainwashed women so that so many feel that having "some kind of a man"is better than "no man at all."
I hear this from women all the time....especially women of color.....and it's sad! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/21/2008 9:11:15 PM | | very, very good... its been said that we all try to work out our problems with others who represent or are similar in character to our parents.. and its not a hang-up...it is exactly that familiarity...it completely explains it all. Also abusers as a species work really hard at setting up the abused... nobody likes you, you have no other friends, things and events are so sordid, you wouldn't dare tell anyone, total control over other person, financially, socially, threats of fights o r threats of private violence... fears of survival... | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/21/2008 9:16:08 PM | Society has brainwashed women so that so many feel that having "some kind of a man"is better than "no man at all."
Chocolate, why is it you think it is that way? I hear the same thing all the time. How come you're not with anybody? I would rather have exactly what I want in a woman than just settle.
My roommates cousin is one who always asks me that question. Back on July 4th I stayed at their house, and heard some extra activity, but didn't get up to see what it was I heard. I found out the next day it was her and her husband fighting because he had a shot of tequila, and she didn't want him to. So the next time she asks me that question, I am going to point out last July 4th. People try controlling eachother, and that isn't right. If you try controlling somebody, you don't respect that person IMO. There is a lot of controlling on!!!! Both sexes. | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/22/2008 12:30:10 AM | | Well honey some people wait a lifetime to finally get a companion. So maybe your friend is afraid of the thought of being single again that she 'll do whatever it takes to be with someone. One other thing i find mysterious about ladies is they tend to get more turned on when guys treat 'em like crap - used to be like that and ever since i reformed into this 'nice' guy i haven't gotten laid (considering going back to the old me by the way...). Anyway tell your friend to leave that trash and start all over again - its never too late, besides being single is actually fun! | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/22/2008 3:37:03 AM | she stays with someone like that because he treats her the way she feels about herself
end of story.
"messages this short may not be posted"
and yet, i have nothing else to say
but there is an entire book buried in what i just said | |
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| Why do you stay with men who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/22/2008 7:13:35 AM | "Can anyone explain why you would stay with someone who disrespects you. These examples don't apply to my friend but to anyone as in:
Doesn't call when they say they will,
Makes plans and doesn't show up,
Makes excuses about commitment (just lies),
Hits you,
Mental abuse,
Cheating,
Lies,
Steals,"
>>>take a long, honest look at your friend. Confer with other friends.
Does she have the same habits, but maybe on a smaller scale?
People don't leave their hands on hot stoves...unless their hands are cold, and the stove is only warm. In other words, if you don't see it as a problem...you don't think of it as one.
Of course, there are people who are afraid of being alone, so they rationalize his behavior. Why are they afraid of being alone? Insecurity. Why do they not see abuse as bad? B/c the stove isn't hot, just warm...and their hands are cold.
As for the one who used to teach security, and knew of abusive women: been there, didn't have that--b/c I didn't make fighting a big issue of my life. So I didn't attract women who did the same thing. That's how you found 'em | |
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| Why do you stay with PEOPLE who disrespect you?
Posted: 10/22/2008 7:25:11 AM | "Doesn't call when they say they will
......this can be excused, because something may have come up beyond their control, and they may have been unable to call at that particular time.
Makes plans and doesn't show up
......this too can be excused....they may have been hit by a bus."
uh, yea, suuure, if it happens ONCE
what is the excuse if it happens over and over and over again..dozens of times, almost 'every' time, or indeed, 'every' time..IF oyu let it go that far.
this type of behavior is NOT exclusive to ONE GENDER (men).
Women often display similar behavior..not respecting the other person.. | |
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