| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/2/2006 12:51:04 PM | Ceno I would like to ask you a serious question if I may and you can either answer it or not in which case either just refuse to answer it or simply say you don’t wish to answer, no need for anything resembling a shit fight between us, we already tried that and we both know it doesn’t work.
Ok I have read this thread several times over and chose to stand back from posting because I appeared to be saying the same things over and over again which other people have since repeated and so this thread continues to go over and over old ground but never seems to get anywhere very much as others join who haven’t read the whole thread and so it goes on and this is something you yourself have also just said.
My question to you is what are you looking for from this thread? I chose to take a step back but you are still in here fighting, often against the odds it seems. Why? Do you enjoy being the object of many other peoples negative energy and bad opinions of you because often that is what you are on the receiving end of. I have been led to wonder why you are still here, the word crusade comes to mind and I don’t mean that in a derogatory fashion but I can’t think of a better word right now. I know what I did with my own anger and despair at being abused by two men who had been abused themselves. What are you going to do with yours? Are you going to sit on this thread forever trying to defend your own position and allowing yourself to be verbally abused in the process whilst also verbally abusing others? Or are you going to get out of the cycle and choose to do something more constructive with your own life so that you can make a difference?
As many people say on this thread, we either choose to remain a victim caught up in our own anger or we do something positive. You do realise don’t you that the longer you allow yourself to stay in this situation the more and more it will fuel the emotional responses you have towards women who have been abused? This thread has become something of a self perpetuating cycle, do you really choose to stay?
Very best wishes
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/2/2006 5:33:58 PM | | Oh I get it alright THORN its you that does not get it. I am a survivor not a victim. I have learned how to weed out the jerks. That is what counseling and healing is, to learn to not make the same mistakes again dating and or marrying an abuser. And no the abuse did not stop thirty years ago. I will not get into it with you but I have learned to not let abusive people control me anymore and steel my joy. I am so happy now and feeling more and more empowered everyday. BTW in one of your comments you said you were just joking around. Do you find abuse funny? Do you find illness funny? Do you find death funny? Is everything a joke to you? Learn from your past, embrass the present, and be excited about the future. That is what I have learned. Does that make me am idiot as you called me? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/3/2006 6:57:41 PM | You know; I’ve dated, been friends with and have been related to a great many men in my life who have experience with this subject. I’ve yet to run across a man who has had SIX relationships with abused women.
Now, I see one of two scenarios that would explain this:
1) They deliberately seek out people who have major, unresolved issues so they can “save them”. They come Galahading in to save the fair damsel in distress. It’s much easier to deny your issues when someone else is much worse off than you. Unfortunately, when that person is resistant to the “help” or the problem doesn’t disappear in the pre-determined amount of time that Galahad thinks should be adequate to “get over it” they leave. As we all know; it’s simply because the person who can’t “get over it” is just too “damaged”. Right? Because admitting otherwise would mean you might just be wrong and that you have serious issues of your own. Lawd knows we simply can’t have that.
2) It’s a universal truth that some abused people continue to pick people who are abusive and “damaged” in some way. Dysfunction often seeks dysfunction until they are able to acknowledge and change the cycle. Now, if you’ve had 6 relationships with abused people who haven’t been able to recover and the common denominator is YOU what does that say?
Anyone want to wager which of these two scenarios is the more likely one? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/3/2006 7:13:16 PM | eddie you don't "honestly" believe this right?
no one is responsible for what someone else does
there is no right or wrong way for a woman to "be" that will STOP her from being abused
according to "you" it's her fault for it
mmm... | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/3/2006 7:22:36 PM | You know, if this wasn't such a serious topic, some of the mud slinging would be funny. Any labels that stereotype anyone for anything is ignorant, but to argue a point that isn't even valid is truly sad. Yes I was in an abusive marriage. Gee, I must hide from the world until I die I guess! Get real. I'm mentally healthier than a lot of people I know, just physically I am a mess. Oh well!  I may not be able to outrun you but I'm not even going to get into the chase so who cares LOL
Snowwolf | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/3/2006 7:28:58 PM | That's unfortunate, I don't make anyone pay for my past, know how to leave the past behind but I've heard of it.
Mary J Blidge has a song about it called baggage, very good tune. I remember the past, learn from it, but don't take it with me. | |
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ulao
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Joined: 6/10/2006
Msg: 232 | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/3/2006 9:37:24 PM | Wow! What an interesting twist of a thread. Hello to all that are reading and/or responding to this particular conversation. I'd like to introduce myself. I am the "wacko" that razor1994 describes. However, before you all run to your windows to pull your blinds down and call the police to get a restraining order against me, I'd like to clarify a couple of points, you know, as I have been heavly discussed here. Razor, it wasn't 37 messages, it was 29, I have a minor in math so I merely counted the calls. Perhaps you should mention that you are the one who asked me why I, an attractive, intelligent, funny woman had reached the age of 43 without ever marrying or cohabitating. I do appreciate the fact that you said that you had failed to call me when you said you would, but I can live with that, no problem there. However, you failed to mention the email that truely started my erratic behavior with the phone calls and emails. You remember, it was the email where I answered your question about why I'd never married, the email where I told you, the first person I'd ever told in 38 years, about the sexual abuse I'd endured as a child, the abuse that even 3 different psychologists couldn't pry from my lips, you remember, the email you failed to respond to, even when I begged you to talk to me. I didn't ask you for support, only understanding. I don't NEED anyone's support except God's through this healing, but I wanted you to know that's what I used for years to push potential mates away from me. I refused to let myself become attached to anyone for fear of them finding out how disgusting I felt about myself, how I blamed myself for allowing that to happen to me...to a FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD! Victim? What makes you think I think of myself as a victim? I am not a victim, I'm a survivor! I did not succum to drugs or alcohol or permiscuity to deal with that pain and shame. I wanted you to know so that YOU wouldn't allow ME to use that to push YOU away from me. I felt a connection with you the minute my eyes met yours, it was like coming home for the first in my life. I had never felt more comfortable and at ease with any man that quickly before. Quite honestly, I thank God for sending you to me when He did, for giving me the strength and courage to finally deal with what was done to me. I am finally healing, but without you, I would still be running from it, using it against others to keep them away from me. I'm not a whiner, I'm a winner because I won't let anything defeat me. I won't allow the actions of mean, sick, and evil people to ruin my life any longer.
I'm sorry for those of you with differing viewpoints, it's not my place to try to change your opinions or mold your views. Perhaps the women you were involved with that turned you away from women like me with true hearts and compassion were not honest with you, or were manipulating, but I'd appreciate not being lumped into that particular group.
Razor, one last thing, I'm sorry for us that you do not feel that a relaltionship worth having is worth working hard for, it would have been worth it. I know I've got 43 years of love, loyalty, passion, and caring saved up for some very lucky man. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 3:25:23 PM | | I am a therapist who works with abused women, many with PTSD...One thing I want to make clear is that PTSD can cause permanent brain changes, even damage to the brain...that does NOT mean women are "damaged goods" but PTSD can change the body permanently if it is persistent enough and occurs early enough in the persons life...So she is struggling to adjust to a sane normal life on a physical, emotional and psychological level...struggling with a brain that reacts differently than those who have not been abused..its called hypervigilence...Veterans who have experienced combat can have this also, it is NOT just all in the head but involves the body...Thats why the physical grounding and sensory calming is important...She/he may need to do that to some extent the rest of her/his life....Ive observed both personally and professionally that there are alot of men out there who want to be "rescuers" of these women..Somehow these vulnerable women seem especially feminine and attractive to certain men ,,,until they get more involved with them before the woman has done some healing for herself.. ..Personally, its frustrating to see a man you are attracted to and would like to get to know better turn his attention to the sicker, needier person and turn to you only as the more stable, healthier friend when he needs advice and support, but not the girlfriend he seeks romantically...Ive had this happen twice and had to end or put some distance around these friendships because it was too painful to just be the friend when I wanted more..Any of you who saw the 80s movie Some Kind of Wonderful know what I mean...lol... | |
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calaf
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Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 235 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 3:47:23 PM | | There is a blood pressure medication that is now being tested for use against PTSD. It is called propananol and it looks promising. They did a story on 60 minutes about it. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 5:47:42 PM | Gothy ~ as usual, well stated.
~OT~ Well, I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but ceno does make a point here.
Aphrodite59, you're living in an altarnative reality, just like many posters here. You simply preach abused women to get out of the situation, but at the same time, want us (men) to stay with an abused woman and go through that hell. Most abused women get as abusive as their first abuser. So why would men stay?
I was the victim ONCE. After that, I was a participant. He beat the hell out of me, making me a victim. I stayed, making me a willing participant. When all was said and done and I took over my own life, I was damaged. I was then a problem to others. There wasn't a man on earth, at that particular point in my life, that could have done much right in my eyes. Nor would it have been fair for me to involve someone in my life during that time. I had a small child to raise, and a load of issues to deal with. Like many others, I had PTSD, GAD, and a slew of other things that simply were not condusive to a healthy relationship. It was time for me to take control, live alone, learn how to be healthy, how to cope, how to be self-sufficient, self-confident, etc. Basically, to re-learn how to be a productive, mentally sound adult.
I don't believe all survivors were/are as damaged as I was nor do I think that I was the most severely damaged. But I do believe that all too often, we look for men to fix what another man has done. (Or I should say, what another man was allowed to do.) Women need to be empowered in their own right. It does no good to play victim and it does absolutely NO good to venture into a relationship with the intent that someone is going to kiss it and make it all better. That just doesn't happen. Support from friends, family and the appropriate counseling avenues are the only route that will break the cycle. JMO  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 6:03:21 PM | Ceno: I think that what you wrote was one of the most insensitive things I've ever read. And I am referring to this:
<div class="quote">To me, women who had been in abusive realtionships, are damaged goods. Especially, if she's coming from a abusive father, abusive boyfriends etc.
At some point she will think you're just like the others (eventhough you're not). She will think you're trying to control her etc. She will get defensive, bitter etc.
Every survivor is different. And women aren't the only people in the word who get abused...
And situations involving abuse survivors are ones that should be handled with understanding and maturity.
But suggesting that abuse surivivors are damaged goods is not only insensitive, I think it's actually cruel.
As for some of the back and forth in the thread... I'm going to leave that alone. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 7:05:25 PM | Have you ever seen that commercial about bullying where this tough little boy is screaming and yelling obsentities... then the camera zooms out and you see that the playground is empty...
I consider that such an apt analogy right about now... do enjoy your playground | |
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ulao
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Joined: 6/10/2006
Msg: 239 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 8:56:25 PM | Your posts are getting duber and dumber by the day. You're not making any sense at all, not that you did before.
Just because you don't get it doesn't me it does not make sense. Its a rather well though out analogy. Posts don't have the capability of action, people do. And She is not dub or what ever the heck you said.
Playgrounds have doors?
This tread it getting old.. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 9:04:56 PM | | Yes how long can one man be fighting an obviously defeated thinking. I see the problem now after pages and pages of this same torment. The problem does not lie with the problem but with the idea of the fighting it. I can only imagine the torment felt in the original anger. It was all consuming. Someone needs to let it go now...........finally. | |
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Valis
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Joined: 11/29/2006
Msg: 241 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 9:24:39 PM | | For thousands of yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears woman have been oppressed and abused and it will never stop, no matter how much liberal propaganda and laws are made, it's the way it is, in fact some countries, like Saudia Arabia and Sudan, to name a few, still oppress women. Unfortuantely for me and other nice guys like me we are also victims of this as the woman are skittesh and withdrawn, therefore thinking all men are abusive, controling, dominating brutes. Us nice guys are left alone for many years playing video games and doing everything else alone and sometimes never given a chance to prove ourselves. However, I do put some blame on women as they go for the Bobby Brown types, not the William H Macy types, if your confused, read thier bios and you'll then understand. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 9:31:08 PM | A lot would depend on the type of abuse and how long it was between the time she got out of the "relationship" and entered one with you.
I have done a lot of dating -- I'm 60 years old -- and have found the many women that were victims of abuse just take longer to give their trust to someone new. Some appear to feel that they did something to bring it on, so they distrust themselves more than the new guy.
When you run into one AND can see that she is worth some EXTRA work -- take it slow -- NEVER make promises that you may not be able to keep -- and bide your time.
As strange as it may sound, they can be some of the most loving women you will ever encounter.
VBS in Arizona | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/4/2006 10:12:21 PM | Ceno:
I agree with sassy completely
Man you are cold!
Ignorance is bliss
Our pasts good or bad in any way for many of us male or female we can grow and learn from that and be better for the experience
You with the bluntly cold words are missing out on some great wonderful women with that small mind of yours to quote Sassy!
Smart women Sass and I like to think I am the same
You need some education on this subject Ceno before you are so bluntly cruel about something you appear to know nothing about
Try anger management then come back to this topic
You are a waste of my typing but you are just so ignorant to this topic I had to add myself in on this one!
PS Worked through my abusive past and keep it there where it belongs and guess what I date alot and I am fun and happy again! Life is short and I am loving it again but would never want to meet your kind so good luck with the ladies ur gonna need it | |
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ulao
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Joined: 6/10/2006
Msg: 244 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/5/2006 5:18:34 AM | Yes how long can one man be fighting an obviously defeated thinking. I see the problem now after pages and pages of this same torment. The problem does not lie with the problem but with the idea of the fighting it. I can only imagine the torment felt in the original anger. It was all consuming. Someone needs to let it go now...........finally. - your wishes are answered..
They did yank Ceno.. LOL well that should clean up the place a bit..
VV bonbons, he is gone.. Trust me its over. no more CENO, I have it on good authority. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/5/2006 5:28:05 AM | I have no clue where cenos latest post went but its gone lol. Anyway Ceno if you see this read up. I visited your profile to see what type of person you are. You say if someone hurts you you never forgive or forget. Hmmm isn't that what your up in arms about with women who have been hurt??? Its okay for you to put up a wall but if a woman does they are mentally ill. Second from reading everything about you I find you to be one of the most disturbed mentally challange individuals on pof. You have more hang ups and unrealistic expectations than anyone I have ever met. I think its you that needs the therapist. Talk about ridgid and and narsistic. At least people who have ptsd have a good reason. Whats your reason for being so narsisitc?
Bonnie | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/5/2006 12:32:43 PM | Ceno,
going out with someone younger= drama, drama, drama.
going out with someone older = baggage
Take your pick it is the human condition.
Just try to be positive and find someone more to your liking. There will be someone out there for you....don't stress over someone who obviously isn't compatible for you. Get out make some friends ...everyone has a story ,and if you listen it's usually interesting. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/5/2006 1:29:31 PM | I actually sat down and read all of this and I feel like I have watched some bizzare episode of the Jerry Springer show!
It was like the telephone game where everything kind of morphed...
I think I am traumatized.....or no ....now I am damaged goods!! | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/5/2006 1:47:36 PM | | My ex husband was phgysically and mentally abusive I waited to heal before going on toke awhile as I was with ex 13 yrs married and child he always trhreatened to take his family had money mine didnt just everyday people he did stop drinking to try to save marriage but still cheated and the mental bs .But i did not judge my next relationship by that or any after my ex I guess i healed and went on although I Have been told i couild not have got over it but I did put it behind me just never forgot and take time to real try to know the person I came to care about .Wasnt hit again | |
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calaf
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Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 249 | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 12/8/2006 10:14:25 PM | I feel sorry for Ceno...hope he finds his way.
So, OP...we do recover from abuse...in the meantime, I'd steer clear of birds with broken wings. Its better if they heal themselves without some innocent getting caught up in the afterburn.
I'm out of my cave...never did the wounded bird trip to catch a guy...I was to busy trying to heal.
Hope everyone has a happy holiday season.
Peace | |
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