| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/3/2007 10:13:08 PM | If the woman has well and truly worked things out and left them in the past then it can be dealt with. Although it will always be for her a possibility.
If she hasn't dealt with it then you are in for one hell of a bumpy ride. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/3/2007 10:19:05 PM | you can not udge all women alike when it comes to getting out of a abused. i was abused and i work through it..and there is soe that don't....but i am ok...and you have to take a day at a time...just like relationships...but you can not judge one man...all men are different...in all ways | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/3/2007 11:14:42 PM | Ok. Wow. So, I've only read the first couple of pages of this post and it is seriously disturbing. To think that there are people out there who think that a person, a human being, can be damaged goods. Hmmmm, interesting.
I have a girlfriend who went through hell as a child and then again later as an adult. I have heard many stories in my chair (I'm a hairdresser) but her's, by far, is one of the most horrendous. Her abuse started at 3 years old and didn't stop until she ran away from an abusive husband. If you heard her entire story you would be amazed that she's not insane. The most miraculous part of her story is that not only is she not insane, but she's thriving. This woman spent 4 years in counseling finding out what it was about her that was attracted to abusive people. She's still in counseling but she dates and works out issues. She takes care of herself and her children and is doing incredible.
Now, if you saw her, talked to her, you would NEVER know that she'd been through a mess her whole life. She has this confidence that makes me jealous. She would never look at herself as damaged goods, and shame on anyone who would tell her that's what she is.
My ex husband was abusive in many ways. I get nervous on the first date mainly because I just don't know the guy and in this world you just never know. But there's nothing wrong with doing a background check and making darned sure you're not with a serial rapist, child predator, etc. Every guy I've dated thought that I was very smart for doing a background check and keeping myself safe as possible. But then I am very particular about who I date and would never go out with a man who thought I was insecure or weak for checking him out before meeting him.
To all the women who are reading this who've been in an abusive relationship...you are strong simply because you survived. Please do not let anyone tell you that you are damaged goods. That is just the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Some people are simply not equipped to deal with a survivor because they themselves have never had the opportunity to have their spirit tested. You have, and you won. 
Now, to the dummy who told men to run...either you have been terribly hurt or you've never been up against a challenging situation that required everything inside of you to keep you safe, or you're simply not strong enough to handle a woman who's gone up against the devil and won. Whatever the reason, name calling (ie. "damaged goods") is a red flag. I hope you will get counseling for your problem because it's a pretty good indicator of an abuser...just fyi...have a nice day :) | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/3/2007 11:27:38 PM | Categorizing people is not a nice thing. Just because one has experienced abuse doesn't mean they don't heal. Men & women are abused. If they lie or cheat on you, this is considered abuse. Physical, mental, emotional abuse is not a healthy existence.
Appropriate therapy will indeed help. Trust, if one is going to trust they need to learn almost all over again. Dating is but the beginning. Being with Good people who don't lie, play head games or bs their way in life, is a good step. There are far too many people with their own issues from their past, in which come out in the next relationship. Unfortunately this often results in a breakdown of emotional or mental situations. Welcome to life.
Any relationship is going to need its work. Have its ups & downs. It's a part of life. Abusive relationship or not.
JMO.. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/3/2007 11:41:01 PM | I just read post #139. Something about women who stay are cowards.
I really cannot say enough on POF forums that people who have no idea why a woman stays should educate themselves on it. For goodness sake the last thing a person who is beaten down needs to see, hear, read, etc. is that he or she is a coward.
We're not talking about the abuser, or a child molester, kidnapper, etc. We're talking about someone who doesn't know he or she has choices or is too defeated to make the right choice. Please take a moment to remember that the person getting beaten is the victim, not the perpetrator. Maybe, perhaps, we could place the blame where it's due. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 6:47:47 AM | I would agree too that my past experience in an abusive relationship enriched who I am today. I don't hate him. That's giving him far too much power over me. He actually had the audacity to contact me recently to ask me to loan him money because he was arrrested for socking a woman in the face. I did not go off on him as that is not my style. I just advised him that I could not support him the way that he needed me to. I asked him not to contact me any further. He never apologized for hurting me though.
Sorry to hear about your relationship and her inability to be able to handle things. It's not an easy thing to overcome. It was a shocker for me. I guess I bounce back pretty quick though. Everyone is different. Give her space and she will come around; however, she will be a little cautious, rightfully so. She has been through a tremendous amount of pain. Sometimes there will be trigger devices that might bring back old feelings regarding her abusive experience. Ask her how she can be supported during the times that those feelings surface so that you know what to do when it happens again. Support comes in many different forms and is different for each person.
Best of luck to you!! | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 7:14:16 AM |
To Brandiw:- You are one arrogant girl.....If you had have the knowledge you would know woman in general whom been in abusive relationships either have been abused by rude crude woman like you in highschool or college & think your pooh doesn't stink,bet ya don't fart or brup either....Give it up you need to do your homework......You have no right calling anyone damaged goods,when you obviously are saying what you truly are....I'm so disgusted you would speak of women this way....Did your mother beat your ass for your smart mouth if not she should of....We all have problems in this world & someone as nieve as you miss out on the most gracious kind loving people in the world.....YOU ARE entitled to your opion calling names is not acceptable in todays world....Thanks
I think you need to reread the thread....seriously. I was quoting another poster. I took exception to what he said and defended abused women. As well, I believe his comments were deleted because HE refered to women as damaged goods...something I have never done.
As for my being the rude, crude woman in high school and college....nope. I was actually bullied in school myself. I was the tall, "gifted", band and chess geek, shy, bookworm; and I was treated horribly. I had my boots filled up with glue for getting yet another hundred on a test... pinched, slapped, called names, tackled in the hallway,etc. I spent some of every day of grade 8 in the home ec. room putting peanut butter in my hair because people thought it would be hilarious to use my waist-length hair as a gum repository.
I was also a peer counsellor, peer tutor, active in community groups, and worked with abused women. I also went to women's shelters and cooked meals and babysat for them while they shopped and reintegrated into society.
I am also a "victim" (I don't like using this word in reference to myself anymore)of domestic violence and lived in fear of my life (from age 17 to 19)....if it weren't for the timely arrival and intervention of another woman the night I left my abuser I wouldn't be alive to type this to you.
I also have issues with your statement that I should have been beaten for having a "smart mouth". I seriously wonder about the mental state of someone who would advocate the abuse of a child for having such...
As well, I am very aware that my sh!t stinks, and I burp and fart on a regular basis.:) | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 7:17:57 AM | I've been dumped before because the woman had trust issues and was still going through the healing stage of her last relationship where the guy was more verbally abusive, and he would cheat on her.
So she told me outright she did not trust men and that she felt she could not trust me. I understood, and sure it hurt but such is life. The sad thing is, she ended up dating another guy who ended up being abusive to her. Was something that bothered me for quite some time, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Sad how men do that to women and then she ends up meeting a great guy but cannot trust him and sends him off. All understandable and frustrating as well. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 8:39:09 AM | I am not yet through reading this entire post, but I am heartened by what I have read so far. Can't find Ceno or the comments referred to repeatedly, but then I am a newbie to the forums.
It has made me feel ummm errr I think I want say included, but maybe it is accepted ( perhaps acceptable). I have also been through a PTSD diagnosis and reading all this stuff is reassuring. I didn't realize that I still feel compelled to hide that fact. Bravo to all these people on here.
Now my comments about the post: The cell memory stuff (where I react immediately into flight, fight or freeze response having experienced a loud noise, raised voice, trapped or pinned feeling), is what I call triggered. I am healed to the point now, where, when it happens the duration is minuscule, and the intensity minor. These moments still happen but they are instantaneous blips now. And while it is wonderful to have a partner understand where my reaction is born, it is better that I recognize when I am triggered and that it has nothing to do with him, just the ghost of past men covering him.
What I am still working through is the projection stuff. And I hear the men when they talk of the frustration in a relationship with a woman who has been abused. I am learning to know myself anew in relationship to men, in all ways by putting my toes into this water on POF. Reading the forums, emailing, IM'ing and meeting. One of best experiences for me ironically was the first "do you like oral sex" conversation (opened with that) on IM. Best because it didn't trigger me. It just passed into 'block' quickly and didn't alter my expectations of finding and knowing healthy men, on here. And I didn't judge the person either, it didn't hold any significance for me. WOW
I also feel like while we all say we are here to get to know people and shop for dates and mates, what we a truly doing is getting to know ourselves. I am getting to know who I am, how I react, when I project etc etc and if I am truly ready to trust myself enough to trust another. And that can only make me a better 'risk' for a partner. I am aware enough of myself to know when to make the effort to open up to "hear" not just listen and react.
And a special thanks to the wisdom and insight of Aphrodite. I will take the time to continue to read all the input on this post. Just need to refresh my coffee and feed the cats first. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 9:00:50 AM | Imalucki1-----If you have gotten this far dear girl, you will go further, and you seem to understand it was not your fault...so you will find that man and you will be happy... good luck to you... you seem to have a good head on your shoulders, that is what it takes... | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 12:14:21 PM | | you spend all the time getting shit for things you never did and forget trying to be too nice it don't work you can give your all and your still a guy and they usally don't ever trust again this web site is full of emotional disturbed woman that have been abused or dumped and have really nasty attitudes and even if your not anything like their ex your still aman and thats enough for most situations good luck bring your advil | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 12:35:42 PM | Eddie... your post is a crock. Everyone is 'damaged' in some way. It's called life! We go through things, we live through them, we make bad choices, and lots of times, things are done to us that are not within our control.
In all the things I've gone through in my life, I can't say that it hasn't changed me. IT HAS!! That doesn't necessarily mean in a bad way. I have evolved into a person I'm happy with, every darn thing, even the most horrible things you can imagine, that have been 'done' to me, or that I have chosen out of my own free will, has made me who I am today. Shaped me into the kind of person that understands, that takes situations and makes the best of them. The kind of person that doesn't sit around and judge.
I am not damaged... but it sounds like YOU are. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/4/2007 6:46:02 PM | | Thanks blondemelody... he's out there just waiting for me... I can feel it, and he's..got to hurry and find me. I just found out in another forum there is a time limit on sexal peak... heck I did not know that.. so he got to hurry | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/5/2007 10:26:05 AM | I have read every post on, except CENO who was apparently deleted (I assume for attacking someone) if he was deleted just for his opinion I think it was wrong. Many here have valid points and I can understand the frustration, I have it also having been in relationships were abusive and previously abused. I agree we all carry baggage..Some have carryons, other have those old fashioned Steam liner Trunks that carried the whole house. Two things became very clear. The ones who took issue with the term "damaged goods" most were offended and few were not. The some of the ones who were offended evidently didn’t learn not to abuse as many have expressed here that verbal (spoken or written) was the worst kind of abuse.... and yet felt compelled to call CENO damaged goods in retaliation? Is this called hypocrisy...yes...but understandable.... remember to be understood one must also as said on here more than once...walk a mile in another’s shoes.
Now let me qualify...I was abused also as a child, from neglect...which I have thought sometimes is the worst kind without going in to detail...but I think many can attest to the feeling of being ignored...but multiply that by 1000 and then add in the innocence of a child.
There are two streets to follow left or right..One is healing the other is not and the road is not always paved but dirty muddy and rocky with ruts and such. Did I just describe the healing road or the other...hard to tell the difference sometimes?
The same is for the term damaged goods. There ARE two meanings for it and depending on the Rose Colored Glasses we see through we will take either the negative connotation or the "positive" one. Your choice. A lot of women are asking people to become "educated" on the abuse that occurs and the affect it has on people (albeit skewed more towards women than men- so it seems but we are learning this is not the case).
Anyhow here is what Webster’s defines as damaged goods
Main Entry: damaged goods
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: merchandise that has been damaged or impaired or has grown inferior
Main Entry: damaged goods
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: a person who is impaired, corrupted, or defiled
Many persons seem to have taken ownership of the first definition and understandably so. I challenge you to accept or at least understand the second definition of the term.
Many took offense that it was a reference to an object being "damaged" and I can wholeheartedly agree that it is hurtful if the person intended to deliver the message in a hurtful fashion.
So let me give my opinion on the second, which I was amazed and pleased to see that Webster’s had a definition of "damaged goods" for the human factor.
I choose to accept the second definition (if so be it that the term damaged goods is used) that it is Good that was "damaged". People in my view are neither Good or Bad.... just people who do Good or bad things. In the case of abuse..It is a bad "thing".
The "Good" in all of us was indeed "Damaged"...in whatever form it came from an ass beating to being told we are worthless to in my case not being told anything which is like not giving water to a flower...it will not flourish or in the worst case eventually die inside.
I think the term "Damaged Goods" will never be a 100 percent acceptable term, but then again people are not (I hope) 100 percent damaged (unless killed) that there is always hope and we all can believe that Hope Floats.
Now back to Damaged Goods.........yes Good that was damaged and as Webster states.. Impaired, corrupted, or defiled. Oh my yes innocence and love and heart were impaired...yes and many "good" things in us were corrupted to a degree that we could not trust or give the love that is in us because we have a blanket sometimes many blankets of hurt to punch through to get to a place that we can be in a "healthy" relationship...friendship or otherwise.
And the last description...defiled...oh my God yes we were defiled. Some of us to the point it seems hopeless that we will ever crawl back to a sense of normalcy in our own view...but again...I believe in Hope.
So if you have to deal with the term again of "damaged goods,” remember you have two options to choose from. I choose the human one. I am Good...I was "damaged"..... But inherently "damage" connotates that what was damaged...can be "repaired" Yes it will never be exactly the same as "it" was before it was damaged but also sometime when things are damaged sometimes they are "repaired" better than the original..Made stronger and more resilient and a new shiny paint job to boot! I believe this is so because some people on here have expressed that although they did have to go through the abuse..that it has made them a stronger person for it...but also for those just incase..Dont become so strong like the mighty oak...but like the willow to be able to bend in the winds of life that will always be there ready to try to blow us down again.
Damaged goods..Yeah...but in my case.. "But Therefore the Grace of God" I am "repaired goods too.
I hope I am making a positive point on the term "damaged goods" since it is out there. We all have choices..."Come or Go?" "Leave or Stay?" So I ask you...are you "Damaged Goods" or are you "Damaged Goods"? Your Choice..... And that alone is yours
Oh a final note..Forgive is you can....Forgiveness does not mean acceptance or that we will forget...but it means we let go of the "power" that one held over us and let go of what is holding us back from giving those precious things in us and also to recieve those precious things to those who want to oh so badly. And not to give what we have or not to recieve them from to me is a form of self abuse, denying ourselves of the "good"...but in time as with all things if we seek we will find.
Love
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/5/2007 4:25:16 PM | So Loyd, you say that women who have been abused usually never trust again... based on what?? I know that I trust other people and I don't look at all men as possible abusers because I have done the work to heal...
Here's a thought, as opposed to making blanket statements about women who have been abused in the past, perhaps you could... oh I don't know, look within as to why you have attracted these types of women who haven't healed and put up with the advil requiring situations... ?
Starting to smell rather Ceno-ish in here, lol. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/5/2007 7:32:32 PM | | Being a woman from a extremely abusive relationship in the past, I can tell you it effects every move and thought for a while.. I still to this day flinch if a guy gets mad. God forbid if he has a temper.. I cannot cope at all.. I refuse to have a arguement. Least a heated one. Emotional abuse lingers too. I have learned to trust and love again. I have learned to get past alot of the abuse but I have had 8 years to heal and self reflect. If ANY man gets with a woman who has been abused, he needs to understand that we are broken eggs. No matter how patched back together we are. The cracks and scars will remain. Be patient. listen and care.. It doesn't take much. But slowly show her how it SHOULD be, not how it was.. It takes time to heal.. Just be patient. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/6/2007 10:44:13 PM | Good evening Muskakate. I'm having a bit of insomnia tonight and decided to check in on some of my old forums and found this one had picked up again.
No. 1... Congratulations on your personal growth. That is hard work. Alot of us have been there and are forever vigilant.
No. 2...concerning the nolonger active file of our mystery fellow. It was not his personal opinion, it was his verbal abuse that got him erased from POF. He was very sad...he was scarey...understand? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/13/2007 11:11:15 PM | Do I sound dorky offering to put a beating on any guy that bullies any girl? I have two younger sisters and I know women can be infuriating but jeez, hit a wall or a door or something, not a doll. And rape? I will never understand why we put rapists in prison unless it's so they are easier targets the day they get out.
Sigh. I'm a gentle guy. Time to hug a pillow. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:30:08 PM | | I'm sorry for you that you feel that way.In the first place, this web site is not FULL of emotionally disturbed women that have been abused.I was abused in the past.I'm wise enough now to know the only way to heal from abuse is to forgive those that have hurt you.Once you forgive all the hurt , pain, and bitterness goes away. It's elementary. What YOU should do , is go to church more often, get in the word, THEN you will get the wisdom not to fall back into the same situations with relationships. You're the one making the decision to have to deal with the same type of women over and over. So watch what you say when you don't have all the facts. GOD bless you---from bayoubelle | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:46:12 PM | I don't guess there are many people here, male or female either one, who don't have some scars from past experience. Significant others have left, behaved in ways that forced us to leave,died,or we're in a relationship that's dying( or we're trying to kill it)
So how about the difficulties of dating a man who's exwife ran him into bankruptcy? The woman who's hubby ran off with the neighbor woman? The man or woman who has a deceased Significant Other? Any person you date,other than the very young,or unless they JUST fell down from Heaven, is going to have some kind of less than positive experience with the opposite gender. In fact even the very young might have a history of an abusive parent, or molestation, or poverty caused by divorce or a parent's addiction or criminal behavior.
So if y'all are coming here looking for "undamaged" goods,( I use that phrase with GREAT sarcasm) I'm sorry to tell you you're on a fools' errand!
Cindy O | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:58:36 PM | I WAS ABUSIVE IN THE PAST. HE FRACTURED MY CHEEK BONE BROKE MY EAR DRUM.AND I AM NOT DAMAGED GOODS..PEOPLE HEAL IN DIFFERENT WAYS. AND YOU CAN NOT JUDGE PEOPLE THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT EVEN MEN..AND I HAVE SEEN MEN ABUSIVE TO IN RELATIONSHIPS NOT JUST WOMEN.SO THAT GOES BOTH WAYS..   | |
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| Dating..... my mother was abused too...
Posted: 2/19/2007 4:07:32 PM | After my parents divorced, my mother was involved with an abusive man as well. Some of the strongest women go through it, like my mother.
It has forever affected her and i truly believe she will never be the same. But on that same note, they can still develop a healthy relationship after the fact.
It takes a tremendous amount of understanding and patience from both partners. Without it, it will never work. If a woman does not see this then men, end it. Same goes the other way. You cannot have a healthy relationship if she/he has not come to terms with what has happened in the past and sees that she/he will have to put in extra effort than usual.
Don't let this scare you. People make mistakes and people change.
Have an open mind but protect yourself and do right by the other person. | |
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