| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/19/2007 4:11:13 PM | It's not my job to fix anyone, it's my duty to be kind and caring to those around me. If I let someone else treat me with distrust because they were abused in the past, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, because when I get sick of it and leave they will just count me as another abuser in their damaged world.
You are not being kind and caring if you jump through hoops, you are enabling someone, preventing growth by smothering them. Eventually nothing you do is enough.
Two whole people are needed to make a couple. Granted one may need help, but it should come from qualified professionals.
Best wishes
Hal | |
|
| |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/20/2007 5:11:56 AM | I married a woman who had an abusive relationship and she NEVER fully recovered and NEVER fully trusted me and infact on two occasions she told her family I had hit her then retracted when confronted... She became distant and turned to drinking which ended our marriage.
I now will not date a woman who still lives in her abusive past. Of course she has to be careful whom she dates. As in any relationship there has to be trust built on mutural respect and acts of kindess... If there are any signs of possible abuse, and I am sure there are, the woman should run for the hills but on the flip side she should also realize that not all men are abusive and give us a chance.
I hope things worked out for you GOOD LUCK 
Have a nice day... | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/20/2007 8:07:15 AM | | I dated a girl WHO was in a abusive relationship . So it takes a while for them to learn to trust again . BUT it is well worth it . SHE was abused sexually . Then one day she tells me " I going with someone else " well , so much for waiting on her . THAT guy demanded her to put out the same night . I must be the joke for waiting 2 years . | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/20/2007 8:26:16 AM | | Chip...I've been through the same thing also, I actually met her here too! Well, we met for the second time on here! I knew her in High School also. So, I know exactly what you went through. Anyone that does not deal with emotional problems from past experiences, I stay clear away from! I tried to be the one with the level head and just put up with the jealousy, put up with the questions of insecurity, questioning my feelings every second day! She was the typical "person with baggage"...I'm glad that nothing serious happened between us to hold us in each others lives any longer than we did! She actually put up another profile on here...I wish her the best and hope she gets the help she needs, but feel the need to warn people here. Some people are just lost souls..... | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/21/2007 10:17:16 AM | hi this is cathy take it from me i am not a damaged good i have too been abused by my ex boyfriend and i have seen my father do it to my mother and it is what it is . i am not happy that it happen to me but i have to learn to live with it grow from it and move on yes i have to be careful whom i meet next time but i am not the abuser i was abused and i dont have to run around scared and ashamed he does he is the one that did the crime and yes it is against the law . but i can help poeople from my expierence and lety them know that there is help out there you just dont turn the cheek when it especially happened to you . that is why too many women end up dead or missing or are still getting abused because nooone speaks up and puts a voice out there to be heard . us women need instead of voicing your opinions get involved and when you know someone your friend your sister ect is in that type of mess you need to do what you can to help out and stop the domestic violence against women i ma not a vicim anymore i ma classified as a fighter nad a true blue survivor. to all that have been there i am so sorry you had to go thru that in your life and may the lord help you in this time of suffering to conquer that pain and move on if you need me im here god bless and take care cathy | |
|
| |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:54:46 PM | | Lady you are so wrong. Everyone is damaged goods. So that means that you are saying no one should deserve to find love after surviving something traumatic that happened to them that may have been out of their control at the time. It's like condemning someone to an emotional hell for all time if there is no chance for them to find happiness in the future. To the guy with the gf that went thru abuse - just keep reminding her how wonderful she is. After going thru a bad guy she's going to have trouble believing she deserves you but all she needs is constant reassurance that she is a wonderful woman. | |
|
| |
| |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 12:12:21 AM | Always keep in mind..both men and women... although we don't choose the ways we are hurt.. we can choose the ways we will heal.
And everyone can heal when they are ready and able to accept the help that is out there. | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 5:56:08 AM | It truly saddens & angers me when I read ignorant remarks such as a woman who has been abuse is ''damaged goods''.
1st of all, yes, it is true that having been abused can, & often does, create many emotional issues, however, with time, introspection & proper help it is possible to heal the emotional wounds & to rekindle high-self esteem. It is, indeed, possible to live a healthy life & have healthy relationships regardless of having been a victim of any type of abuse.
2nd, calling survivors ''damaged goods'' only perpetuates the idea that women are sexual objects, which re-victimises all survivors, victimises non-survivors, & causes more emotional harm for all women.
3rd, any man who calls a survivor ''damaged goods'' has no respect for women be they survivors or not. It also says loads about how these men view women in general. Thus these men should be avoided at all cost.
4th, 1 in 4, or 1 in 6 men (depending on which stats one is looking at) have been victims of sexual abuse when under the age of 18. Are we women to begin treating them & thinking of them as ''damaged goods'' as well? I would suggest that these men try imagining themselves as a survivor of abuse to see how they would feel & cope & heal.
5th, try showing some compassion & empathy, it goes a long way in helping survivors heal. Read up on the subject to educate yourselves instead of shunning these women. Furthermore, you might actually be able to eduacte other men on the high levels of all types of abuse existant in our society & this would help change such ignorant views about healing from any type of abuse.
6th, many men could also be viewed as damaged goods because of bad past relationships, should we women run because of this? Should we view them as ‘’damaged goods’’ as well? Nurturing goes a long way … Try it, it might make a big difference in everyone’s life, women's & men's included.
7th, it is said that we all come from dysfunctional families, as a result, should we view everyone as ‘’damaged goods’’?
Some say that ‘’Ignorance is bliss’’. In this case ignorance is simply ignorance. This ignorance helps promote re-victimisation with such low based comments. Men who make such comments should be truly ashamed of themselves. | |
|
| |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 6:09:42 AM | | AMEN BROTHER, you`re preaching to the choir now, lol .in all seriousness, i `m in the same boat, so i know EXACTLY how you feel. she won`t " let go" ,no matter how great we are together, she`s always on her guard because of this other guy. i guess we should feel sad for them, really, to know someone had( has) that kind of power over them is unsettling.i think all we can do is be there for them, help ,if they want us to, give them space, if they need it,understand, as best we can. i know it sucks,i would commit to my girl, in a heart beat,but she won`t even consider it ,with all that`s happened. | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 8:45:32 AM | it just happened to me.
my ex and i broke up last week, coz he is too violent and the relationship for two years is completely my worst time in life.
but i am ready to date and see somebody new.
i won't miss a guy who attacked me before.
so.
maybe your new date just need sometime to recover.
let her talk with you about her feelings. you guys will be ok.
 | |
|
atlast
|
Joined: 2/25/2007
Msg: 316 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:08:34 AM |
It's not my job to fix anyone, it's my duty to be kind and caring to those around me.
Well said!
I am so sorry that people have been abused and used in the past. I don't want to pay my dues every time I meet a woman. Been there, done that. Our past seems to be handicapping our future. Just get over it! | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:19:01 AM |
I recently was dating someone who had been in a abusive relationship prior to the one we had,and have a harde time understanding why she was so confused. The effects from her past relationship,interferred with the one we were working on,and had been going well but fell apart. I guess she has issues with feelings for a guy in her past who treated her like shit and was still getting strung along by the effects of his games.
Man can I relate. I had a 4 month relationship with someone like that and it was not fun. She supposedly cared for me in words but not in her actions. Most times these women will not stick around in a relationship were she is treated good as they are not used to what I like to call a normal relationship. They just end up being used for sex by men and have a very low self-esteem.
Trust me until they learn to let go and face their issue they will never be in a loving relationship and will just jump from one to another.
| |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:37:39 AM | Statistically, one in three women will be abused by a man at some point in her life. There's a good chance that a woman you dated was abused and you never knew it, because women learn not to talk about it to other men so as not to hear the "damaged goods" theory. Consider that there are more than twice as many animal shelters in the US than there are women's shelters; and that it has only been since the late 1970's that a man could be arrested for domestic violence.
Yes, men are abused by women, in much smaller numbers, but it happens. They suffer as much as abused women do...maybe more so, because our society's definitions of manhood cause them to suffer in silence for the most part. And yes, there are women who abuse the system and "cry wolf"....that just makes it harder for those who are really abused to get help or to be believed, and ruins the lives of good men.
Do any research at all about the growing epidemic of abuse in our society and it will make you want to be a kinder soul to everyone you meet. Change starts with the individual. | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:45:26 AM | atlast wrote: ''Just get over it!''
Here are the comments of another man who is ignorant of the trauma & effects that any type of abuse may create. ''Just get over it'' is another way that re-victimises survivors. It is not all that easy. It is not a boo-boo that can be healed with a band-aid or by simply trying to forget it or push it back into the subconscious.
Many male survivors enculturated in the tough & non-emotional male model have serious emotional issues, which they never deal with & which has serious repercussions in their ability to trust & love, men & women alike. The same is true for female susrvivors.
Furthermore, your saying ''just get over it'' completely negates the quote you highlighted: ''It's not my job to fix anyone, it's my duty to be kind and caring to those around me. ''
I agree, it’s not ones boyfriends or life partners ''job'' to fix anyone’s as healing is dependent on the survivor working through the trauma & emotional effects. An attitude of ‘’just get over it’’ is certainly not caring or kind. In fact, it is the complete opposite. | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:47:16 AM | | Pamelot - Your post is true. I was reading through these posts and thought - the women are being told they have to lie and keep the secrets or she will be discarded as damaged goods. There are numbers if men that have suffered horrific abuse but have never spoken of it. Many men suffer w/o seeking help because they are taught not to speak... It's seeming women will only be able to be honest with each other. | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:14:17 AM | Damaged goods? That is extremely harsh and ignorant of you to say. Obviously you have never been in an abusive relationship or anything of that sort, or you wouldn't be saying that. Abuse is harmful to a person, but that does not make a person damaged goods. People can move on. Not all woman think there new guy is just like the old one, but that doesn't make it any easier to move on.
If he truly loves her, he will stand by her. No it is not his job to help her heal, but his support would be enough all on its own. I have to DISAGREE with u on this one completely. I am an emotionally, physically abused woman, and i am not damaged by any means, and this woman isn't either, moving on takes time. | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 11:46:42 AM | Thanks for sticking up for me on the last page Woodstar. :D
my ex and i broke up last week, coz he is too violent and the relationship for two years is completely my worst time in life.
but i am ready to date and see somebody new.
Last week? We REALLY need a head banging against a wall smilie......... | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 12:06:15 PM | | You have to bo joking?????It"s your poise,your level of class,the manner with wich you carry yourself.........Before you give advice on abusive relationships please do your home work because you don't have a clue on what you are saying...What a joke you are.................. | |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 12:11:45 PM |
it just happened to me. my ex and i broke up last week, coz he is too violent and the relationship for two years is completely my worst time in life. but i am ready to date and see somebody new. i won't miss a guy who attacked me before. so.
Now thats what I call fast healing. How can anyone after two years of being in an abusive relationship after just 1 week of being broken up be ready to meet someone new. No wonder we have so many messed up relationships.
People don't give themselves time to heal before moving into another relationship which will surely fail.
| |
|
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 4/18/2007 12:26:36 PM |
Sad how men do that to women and then she ends up meeting a great guy but cannot trust him and sends him off. All understandable and frustrating as well.
I can relate as I just went through that. I gaurantee she will end up in another abusive relationship when she had a great guy all along. I agree its very frustrating indeed. | |
|
Home
login 
