| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/2/2007 8:40:31 PM |
Although we are no longer together, we are great friends and she has all of that behind her. She now shines like the star I saw when we met. I had let nothing interfere with my love for her, and she is a better woman for it, and I, a better man.
Eagles Cry: That, and your entire post was unequivocally one of the most beautiful things I have ever read!!
It is nice to know that there are men like that out there.. inspiring really | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/6/2007 5:42:59 PM | 1) I say, don't ask, don't tell.
2) Keep it simple and treat your girl right.
3) If you have boys, teach them to respect women as equals. Don't just lecture, show by example.
And by all means, remember women are built in a complicated manner, just hang on that week will pass by quickly. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/14/2007 2:53:19 PM | She has to see for sure that one guy isn't an abuser in order to think that just maybe all guys aren't. Until she sees different results than the ones she has had in the past, she is never going to be able to heal. She will never think good of herself until there is someone who can make her see and really believe she is worth something. Emotional abuse is much harder to recover from than physical abuse because the wounds are not seen from the outside. It takes a lot more work to heal and sometimes she isn't able to heal those wounds without lots of help. If you hear people say only bad stuff about you, it is almost impossible to believe the good stuff.
I've carried a lot of scars form abuse for many years - sexual rejection, mental & emotional abuse, physical abuse. I've always been very good at hiding my inner scars from men. Maybe it was self-preservation, maybe fear of more rejection and abuse.
And then I met a man that for some reason I just couldn't hide it from...some inner instinct about him allowed me to let him see inside me...
From him I've learned that not every man will reject my sexual desires...and that's a good start to healing.
But he's given me something even greater. I have scars on my arms from an act of physical violence that happened almost a decade ago. As anyone that's been there can tell you, for every outside scar there's a deeper inner scar. The outer scars are just daily reminders... Every day I've looked at those scars and remembered...
Recently this man sat rubbing his fingers over my scars. I don't even know if he realized he was doing it. I didn't ask him what he was thinking as he looked at my scars, rubbing them. Somehow I just knew whatever his thoughts were, they were the thoughts that a healthy, normal man would be when faced with a woman abused.
Just a couple days ago I was showering. It wasn't until I was drying off that I realized something - every single day since that man had rubbed his finger over my scars with that pensive look in his eyes I had touched those same scars...and not once had I noticed them, not once had I remembered....
Since realizing that, I've been weepy with the most joyous release I think I have ever felt.
So, on a private note - Sweetheart, if you go away tomorrow, you will still always be one of the most important men in my life. You've given me a gift I don't think any other man could have given me - you've given me back myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/14/2007 8:13:44 PM | Its like post traumatic stress syndrome.......things can trigger flash backs, be it something someone says, an behavior, a body action, a look, a movie, or an event. It takes a loving partner to just give one an emotional boost.....and lots of trust and eventually it moves deeper into the past.......
People who have been abused, physically, emotionally, mentally.......need the security of honesty, compassionate and unconditional love from their new partner.
Really just all the things that should be in a good healthy loving relationship.... | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/14/2007 11:37:35 PM | Its called emotional baggage, and it is for both sexes, both people will (pay for what happened in the other persons past,)by this i mean, there will be little things one does that will remind them of what the other person did to them, cant be helped. lookin for that foot to fall so to speak,, the only thing that helps with this is trust, time and patience, and trust is the hardest to attain, and takes the longest, as you stated,
the effects of his games , thats it in a nutshell, depending on the physical and or mental abuse she suffered, it may even require professional counseling. question is, are you strong enough to stand beside her and help her through the healing process, | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/15/2007 5:04:18 AM | | believe it or not but he is still controlling her and she's not ready to date not fair to the next guy or her she needs to deal with the demon's in here head and learn to trust again | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/15/2007 9:24:46 AM | If someone, from an abusive relationship, is still allowing that person from the past, to control, abuse and manipulate them.......their not ready to move ahead and start another relationship with someone new........
The abused person has to recognize the situation, make the decision to get out, seek professional help, to help them understand how it happened, put it in the past and be willing and able to move ahead, before they invite someone new into their life.
This means spending time alone, with just themselves, studying and understanding why they allowed it. Lots of good books out there and professional help to work through the first stages of GETTING TO KNOW ONE'S SELF. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/15/2007 11:02:52 AM | | all i can say is that i was abused by a family member and not everyone is the same in my relationships i am a bit scared but thats it and i am always upfront about it so they know wot they are getting into | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/15/2007 11:26:47 AM | happy, I totally understand what your saying.....I had a step father who made unacceptable advances towards me, a bio father that abandoned me, a mother who never bonded with me and resented my presences......it sat me up to accept any semblance of affection from a man in my life......and I stepped right into that situation...marrying a man who was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive.....
When I finally left my marriage, with a broken jaw, no self esteem or self worth....I again walked into an emotionally abusive relationship....
Feeling like damaged goods, unlovable and very alone, I had no choice but to look at the semantics of my past to gain understanding of why.......
I spent several years, learning who I was, why I had allowed my adult life to be what it was and healing....... To be a healthy Adult, capable of a healthy relationship and even being able to recognize what one was.
One has to look within to be healed.......not seek a quick fix from without....hoping someone else can fix us. That is all I was saying.
But any man who would choose to be a part of an abused woman's life....has to recognize how fragile trust and honesty issues are.....and have patients to allow us the time to build that trust, knowing its not them personally....we have an issue with.....
I dont consider it baggage....its the life hand one was dealt.....its what makes us who we are. Personally I would think it much easier to understand and deal with than someone who is a drunk, lier, addict or sex addict.....or lacks morals and integrity or has a narcissistic personality flaw. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:09:04 PM | This women wasn't ready to be in another relationship.
They usually say that you shouldn't date for two year after being in a abusive relationship. you have to heal and find out why you got into a abusive relationship in the first place.
you will never have a normal relationship unless you have healed completely. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/2/2007 2:58:02 AM | | I totally agree with brandi, dont enter into it, My last g/f has never had a good relationships she went from someone abusive to someone controlling to a bad drug user , I am honestly none of these and never have been in the past I treated her like a gueen but she could not ever trust me and there was always a doubt in her mind that all guys are the same because all guys are nice guys to start with, needless to say the relationship ended in heartache for me and took me some time to get over that relationship | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/2/2007 3:23:07 AM | It's important for you to know that she's really gonna have to rely on herself for this one. She's the only one that can keep her from going back. I know, it's a bad situation and there's no winner if she does, but it's the truth. All you can do is try talking with her about it and trying to show her- not brainwash- that you are better than that. Then again, alot of times that doesn't even help. It really rests on her...... I'm sorry. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/2/2007 9:16:42 AM | There are so many good books written on this subject. Knowledge and understanding are power and power to walk away is what most abused women need. Also councling is a wonderful tool for a support structure.
One thing you can do....is encourage her to find a good therapist. But don't become her crutch. You can not heal her. This can only come from within her self and she has to want change. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/2/2007 10:19:51 AM | | The problem with dating a woman who has been abused in the past is that you realise she doesn't have a high enough value of herself. Any woman who can let a woman treat her this way in todays society is not confident, and will always be likely to attract the kind of man who preys on that kind of woman. It's a self fulfilling prophecy, and the chances are she will never trust a man, because she has such a low sense of self esteem in the first place. You can't have a full and loving relationship without trust, and you can't make people who are non trusting trust you. These are her issues, and she really needs to deal with them before she can move on and appreciate a happy and loving relationship. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 3/6/2008 1:55:22 AM | Message for 2matchingsocks
Hello I would like to email you a specific question, its about a girl I know that has been through a bad marriage and how she reacts to people. Your post seems to have similar aspects can I get your contact info? I can't email you on pof. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:51:55 AM | I was reading this thread from the beginning and I after only the first few posts I new that I had to stop and begin to reply myself.
To the person who started this thread:
The woman you were with is hurt and obviously needs to heal. What she needs most is not a lover but a friend. You can be both if you have the strength to endure the process but let me warn you that this process is very long and hard.
For me I am with a woman who has been through much more then you mentioned in your post, abused emotionally, physically, and raped. I will tell you that I have my work cut out for me but what makes this situation even harder is that she had a child which is the product of the rape and since she did not report it if she brings it up now she will loose her son forever. The father is winning and there is no way to win this battle. I stand by her the hole way at her side while killing myself to do it but my love for her is so strong for her and her son that I will not stand back and fail them now. This child is a miracle and all life damaged or not is a blessing. IT is how you look at it that matters. Remember to take every bad situation and find the positive in every situation. If you can find all the good in any situation then you can help her to help herself.
To those that say to RUN:
Running is the worst advise I have ever heard. These are people who need help and people like myself who have a very large heart are here to do just that. I don't run from a fight and although I am afraid of what might happen to me in the end of all this I can honoestly say that regardless of what it is what ever that pain is in the end to me it was well worth it because I helped to save a Mother and Child.
Phil
(AKA The Angel) | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:01:49 AM |
believe it or not but he is still controlling her
I believe it. My ex had men control her present life from her past up to 15 years after being away from them. I tried to help her through it for 2 years but it never got any better. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/12/2008 2:12:11 AM | Question about this topic
I haven't read the entire thread from begining to end, so please forgive me if my observations are wrong.
It "seems" like.. and i use the word "seems" lightly, that the guys who give their heart and soul to a woman who has been the victim of abuse, will most likely not be able to see the "happily-every-after" ending with that woman. I don't mean the women that have "healed" per se, but the ones that haven't, or are "in the proccess" of healing.
has any guy been able to help a woman work through her terrible past and was still able to have the "happily-ever-after" ending with her? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:05:22 PM | | i was in an abusing relationship for 26yrs ....im not damaged goods im aloving caring person who has 3 beautiful daughters and 3 beautiful grandaughters ......im not a victim either .....so could you people who critericize people who have been abused give us a break eh ....you havent walked in our shoes .....we are not the monsters u no ....we are loving human beingings .....peace ...joolsyx | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/1/2008 12:05:01 AM | | Sorry to hear that things didn't work out for the two of you. I think that people who have experience some sort of abuse need to make a choice. Either they can learn and grow from the experience or they can be a victim. There is a choice and sometimes it takes alot of councelling to get there but it can definitely make you a stronger person and wiser too. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:07:32 AM | Yeah, the whole DAMAGED GOODS thing has got my hackles up. Abusers try to make the victim feel that way. Anyone who uses that term, well you better RUN AWAY!!!
I once ate a can of peaches that had a dent, but when I opened it, they were delightfully delicious. As far as I'm concerned, the birthing process is abusive enough, that everyone comes out with issues right off the bat. And anyone who thinks they have no baggage is in denial, or making someone else carry it. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 7/1/2008 8:42:38 AM | | I have only read a few of the replies to this post, but the ones I read were from women who have been there and done that, yet amazingly enough have moved on. The reason I think this is amazing is because absolutely every woman I have been involved with who was in an abusive relationship seemed determined that I would pay for her past. I could never understand how I became responsible for her poor judgment. I am pleased to learn that all women are not like that. I may never meet one, but at least I know they are out there. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 1:18:34 PM | hey,
i think you verry wrong, sorry, i whas abused when i whas 6 years old untill 13 years, my ex, yep ex whas also abused, sorry but whe are also people whit feelings and needs!!!!
i broke up with here, because i am now in counseling and i dind wane see me down and discover my darkest secrets. whe still have contact with each other, every weekend whe spend togheter, maybe when she is ready she will follouw me.
so, if you love somebody and she or him is abused you need to suport him or her, if you do counseling, you can be beter, no you will feel beter and live a normal live but your partner need to be stong and understanding and dont poush here or him, the need to to it out here self, just talk and let them think and have patience. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 1:53:21 PM | not all woman who have been physically and mentally abused are damaged goods. From coming from a woman that is pretty sad. There are wonderful woman who are very strong and do not continue t be the victim, yet heal, grow and learn from past relationships. Everyday we are faced with a lesson whether it is from an abusive partner, friend, store clerk, or even as silly as stubbing your toe. It is just whether you can recognize these lessons and live a life free of attachment and be at peace with whatever challenges are tossed your way.
I was physically, mentally, and taken for a fool. I had never been in a situation like this before...but let me tell you they are good, men that is and i can see why women stay until sometimes it is too late. There are always warning signs and it is my own stupidity for staying that long. What women have to realize it does take time to heal. But there are wonderful men out there that love to treat woman with the ut most repect. You just need to release the past and not carry it with you. It is one thing to be wise, just dont look for it in a new relationship..what you focus on expands. Only you can create a lifetime of happiness, no man, no materialistic object....just you!!!
Woman are beautiful flowing goddesses!!! We just need to SHINE!!! | |
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