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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:07:31 PM | | The way that I look at it is abusers, and victims have something in common: unresolved issues. The only way to turn your life around is to see that you are worth it, to mourn, to heal, to grow and to stand up for yourself. Those woman who were abused in the past, have their own unresolved issues which isn't their fault... however unless they choose to go to therapy, learn more about themselves, etc... etc... they will remain miserable and attract an abuser that senses it a mile away. Yeah there are woman who are weary about getting involved with an abuser, and do know there are good men out there... however if you got say shot by a indian man on the street, it is tramatizing and when you see an indian man again you will be a little careful. That's all. Most woman who were abused was from their childhoods, and the abusers were too... its important to break the cycle. | |
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TEA25
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Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 378 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:10:48 PM | Abuse equates to low self esteem. Low self esteem equates lack of worthiness. Lack of worthiness equates to "sabotage" when someone "tries" to love them. For the most part, they can't open their heart to receive or give love...UNLESS they take steps to heal/dis-connect the "program." And it IS possible. If interested in knowing how drop me a note.
Tony Arnold | |
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TEA25
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Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 379 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:11:57 PM | Abuse equates to low self esteem. Low self esteem equates lack of worthiness. Lack of worthiness equates to "sabotage" when someone "tries" to love them. For the most part, they can't open their heart to receive or give love...UNLESS they take steps to heal/dis-connect the "program." And it IS possible. If interested in knowing how drop me a note.
Tony Arnold | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:15:29 PM | | that is just it...i did not read all her posts. This girls is crying out for help and someone to talk too..it is a love-hate relationship it sounds like...which is the simular case i was invloved in. This is probably the toughest challenge i have had to face. Yes you feel ashamed, lonely, and left wondering why? We should open ourselves up to her and with the past knowledge and experiences we have gone through will help guide her too a positive future filled with happiness instead of pure sadness. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:23:27 PM | | All I can say...is that brandiw is STUPID!!! Your friend is not damaged...She just may need more love, support and understanding than you've had to give to others. But if you love her, she must be worth it...Don't become one of " those guys" that run...Show her and yourself that you are a TRUE man... | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 4:21:31 PM |
All I can say...is that brandiw is STUPID!!! I don't think you read very far, because Brandiw was one of the loudest defenders of those who have been abused in the past throughout this entire thread.. right from page one..
The man who was saying 99% of women who have been abused in the past are damaged goods was Ceno, and his profile was deleted for his disgusting behavior in here. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:24:32 PM | I've been thinking about this a bit lately. I used to think that abused women never got a fair shot at relationships, because other men talked as though they had something wrong with them, and would automatically consider them only good enough for sex. So I'd give them more slack than a non-abused women. But over the years, I've noticed that the women who weren't abused were far more reasonable when it came to dating. The women who would happily date me and no-one else, and were keen, committed, and were intent on establishing a good friendship just as much as good romance and sex, were always the women who had suffered almost no abuse at all. Conversely, the women who had turned out to be abused were very flirtatious, but when it came to dating, I was fighting them just to get them on any sort of a date, and fighting them even to just have a platonic friendship. So I am beginning to wonder if the problem that might exist with abused women is not that other men discount them, but that they make it difficult to have a healthy relationship with them, at least with me.
I could easily be wrong. But that is where I am up to right now. Any insights on this would be greatly appreciated. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:40:34 PM | ^^ It all depends on if the woman has healed... if she hasn't, then developing a healthy relationship would be very difficult if not impossible.. unless and until she deals with her wounds. But if she has dealt with her past and has learned and grown from it.. ?
I have said it before and will say it again, some wounds to the heart carve intricate grooves that make it possible to love even deeper next time.. Jm (experienced)O :) | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 7:12:45 PM | I find that women who have healed, seem to see their negative experiences as a part of their past they'd rather forget. I find there is a line in their psyche that I am unwilling to cross, because they give me the impression they don't want me to explore that. I cannot do that with my own past, because that builds a wall around me, that I have spent most of my life tearing down, to become more in touch with myself and to get in touch with others. In order to stay sane, I had to remain open to my past and to stay open to it, but still in control of it. For me to get in touch with others, I need to be able to share my psyche with them and theirs with mine, and that means that they need to be open to discussing their past, even if we never do. Without that openness, my mind automatically starts to shut itself off from others in various ways, that leaves me feeling disconnected from them, to the extent that even physical intimacy makes me feel disembodied, as though someone else is involved with them.
I just don't connect with women who have shut off a part of their past, that is part and parcel of their sexual experiences.
It could be that I just don't connect well with others. Or it could be that I just have such a deep and intimate connection with nature, and with my friends, that if I don't connect to a woman just as deeply, it feels like I'm being small-changed, and I might as well just hang out with my friends. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 7:47:24 PM |
I find that women who have healed, seem to see their negative experiences as a part of their past they'd rather forget. Interesting... perhaps they haven't healed? Or perhaps they just didn't want to share that stuff with you at that particular juncture?
For myself, those past experiences are a big part of what made me who I am today.. therefore not "off limits" at all.... for to me that would imply that I am not in touch with or accepting of my whole self...
That being said, I know that there are certain people I would not choose to be open about it with, the ones who tend to judge and lack a certain empathy, and also, if the subject comes up too early I may not go into great depth about it...
For me to get in touch with others, I need to be able to share my psyche with them and theirs with mine, and that means that they need to be open to discussing their past, even if we never do. Without that openness, my mind automatically starts to shut itself off from others in various ways, that leaves me feeling disconnected from them I know what you mean here... but have also come to realize that not everyone is built for that level of depth.. some prefer to skim the surface and are quite content doing so..
I really think that past abuse can lead to an increased depth, empathy, self acceptance/respect and many other positive qualities once the wounds have been dealt with... another clue as to whether someone has healed is in determining whether they have boundaries as opposed to walls.. huge difference there!
It's also amazing to me how people seem to attract those who for good or bad, help them to heal those old wounds.. just a matter of seeing things that way :) | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 8:04:16 PM | ^^^ Good points. Mind you, I never see you as abused. You have the same mindset as my friends who haven't been abused, at least, that is how it appears to me from your posts.
Maybe you are right in that these women are not healed. However, then it does appear to me that the vast majority of women who have been abused have not healed, even after 20 years.
I don't think it is that they didn't want to share it with me then. When they did share such experiences with me, it was at the most inappropriate time in our acquaintances, and even then, they really just said it and closed down again. I was shell-shocked and needed to talk to them about it. They just shut me down. Completely closed my feelings down.
If someone has boundaries rather than walls, I wouldn't see them as abused, because everyone has boundaries: "It's not right to talk about that right now, because it might weird out some of the people present", rather than "We AREN'T going to discuss it".
Past abuse might lead to greater empathy and depth. All I know is that most of my friends have been through near-death experiences, whether it was multiple life-threatening operations as a child, or crossing the mountains over Iran at night, or something similar. How that relates to abuse I have no idea.
It does seem that we attract lots of things into our lives. I seem to attract trouble. So I'm in therapy until I can sort out how I can stop needing to attract it in the first place. Maybe once I figure that out, I won't have to worry about these issues at all, because I won't attract the type of women who are trouble, and whether they are abused or not will have no bearing on the relationship, except to deepen it. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/7/2008 9:03:20 PM |
Mind you, I never see you as abused. You have the same mindset as my friends who haven't been abused, at least, that is how it appears to me from your posts. Many people who get to know me are quite shocked to learn of the things that I have gone through in the past and say that they would never have guessed. I take that as an outward confirmation that I have come far.. don't get me wrong, I know I have and don't need to be told, but it's still nice to have the external validation too, so thanks :)
I don't think it is that they didn't want to share it with me then. When they did share such experiences with me, it was at the most inappropriate time in our acquaintances, and even then, they really just said it and closed down again. I was shell-shocked and needed to talk to them about it. They just shut me down. Completely closed my feelings down. They obviously didn't know how to deal with your feelings along with their own.. maybe the "inappropriateness" of the timing was a part of it as well.. ?
I know for myself, there have been times when it has come up and the other person gets soooo uncomfortable that it leads to this weird kind of disconnection.. like they are in shock over my experiences, but I have already lived it and dealt with it so I don't really know what to say, except to offer the things that I have learned from it all.
There are times when talking about a memory long forgotten.. I actually re-live the experience.. at those times I often shake as I talk.. like it is literally moving its way through me. This is difficult for others to understand at times too as I can't just switch topics after that.. the experience is too deep and too emotional.
What I meant by the boundaries vs walls thing is that the presence of walls are a dead give away that someone has not healed from a painful past, boundaries are healthy.. and believe me, not everyone has them ;)
Maybe once I figure that out, I won't have to worry about these issues at all, because I won't attract the type of women who are trouble, and whether they are abused or not will have no bearing on the relationship, except to deepen it. I have no doubt you'll figure it out :) | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/8/2008 11:31:51 AM | Surprise! Everyone is different!!! I've personally "been there, done that", and still I move on. My problem was that I picked another abuser, than another, etc. All different types of men, with all different backgrounds, except for one thing in common....they were abused by either a VERY strict parent or constantly beaten down verbally or physically. I have been to counseling and am STILL going to counseling because of such a person(s). In the dating world I have found that some men bring it up, like "why did you get divorced?" or "have you been married more than once?" Do they really want the truth? I could say it's personal, or it's not the right time to talk about this, but that would build a wall immediately. So, I tell them what they want to hear.....obviously, not ALL of it. That would devistate them, as it did to me. and I did say "did". If you want to get over it and on with life, you will. After all, there are still some good men out there. I've met them and hope to meet that one "special" man someday that will treat me the same way I will treat him.....with nothing but love and RESPECT.
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/8/2008 2:06:43 PM | Damaged Goods, you people are ruff on each other. Someone hurts you so now everyone gets to hurt you too and run every time. That sucks!
Instead show her what a good relationship is. Offer places to get a little bit of help and talk to her. If there is one thing that can set her off, learn what it is and stear clear until she has more of a handle on this. She needs to work though it and it may take a long time and she may never get past everything (don't know the real deal). But damaged good forever. You are a hard hard core person that feels she is damaged forever.
We all have our strenghs and our weakness. You have some of your own. Bet you do. We all have to make adjustments in any relationship. Hers is just very pronounced, open and upfront. At least you know the "why" of her emotions or actions.
NO she is not damaged good forever. Not in my book. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/8/2008 2:45:06 PM | I have had one relationship with someone who was abused as a child and later as a wife.
She had great trouble dealing with me because I treat her with respect and as an equal.
She was always trying to start arguments to see if I was going to hit her.
We eventually got onto an even keel and got on well.
We decided to live together because we had got on so well.
No sooner had she moved in than she became the abuser and a control freak !
I got the impression she thought she could control and keep me by abusing me.
Needless to say I am not that stupid and threw her out. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/14/2008 6:11:22 AM |
All I can say...is that brandiw is STUPID!!!
Meh... I might be "STUPID!!!" but I'm capable of recognizing quoted content and reading past the first paragraph. I also do quite well with reading comprehension. It's a shame that not everyone can say the same *cough*.
Show her and yourself that you are a TRUE man...
A TRUE man would not take on a situation he's not comfortable with simply because judgmental people are trying to shame him into it by calling his masculinity into question. This man isn't her SO (who took off on her after a trauma) ...he's a man who isn't sure if he's willing/able to take on the issues associated with dating and possibly marrying a woman who has been abused. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/14/2008 7:21:49 AM | Physical abuse is pretty common. If anyone has dated and had a lot of LTR`s, at some point they have run across a hitter. There`s a ton of them. I`ve dated aggressive hitters, and I`ve dated good men. You never quite know. But you can hone yourself
until you see the warning signs of an aggressive, macho bullying nature.
For guys that consider women who have been hit as damaged goods, let me just say, give me a break. They haven`t done anything to deserve it , besides live and breathe.
Calling them damaged goods to me is insulting and degrading. You should be degrading the abuser not her. It makes you almost in the sam mind frame as the abuser.
And for the guys who say they would never deal with a woman who has been abused, well, then you will probably be limiting yourself to about 50% of the dating pool because a huge percentage of women have been hit by a man at one time or another.
Then on top of all of it, you want us to cover it up, and pretend it never happened or we are "damaged goods". Really nice!
The reason women are so wary and vigilant about it is because there are alot of dangerous men out there, ALOT. Not a few-alot. I prefer to not deal with any more
so I am very careful.
The chance of getting hit or beat up almost automatically goes along with the risks you take if you are in the company of a man. That is how it is. Sorry but some guys just don`t want to hear that but it is the truth. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:30:34 AM | Im glad I found this forum, I havent read everyone of your messages but I can relate to many. I was married to a man who was an abuser, physically but most of all mentally.
He is someone with an extremely high IQ, so he could minipulate me mentally after a few years, and if I did talk back he would hit me. I found I could say how I really felt after a few drinks, and of course getting hit at the time didnt hurt so bad. We were married over 20 some years, it was when he started using our children as bait, for instance if I didnt have sex on friday night, the kids would have a miserable weekend.
And it was not making love, it was abusive sex at times. We never knew when he came home from work-who was coming home, the good guy-or the bad guy. Either way we knew what kind of night it was going to be. The last year of our marriage I told him he could not use sex anymore to threaten me, then there was more and more physical abuse. I have ruined a couple of potentially good realtionships on here because of my past.
And usually its because I would drink, Im in therapy now trying to figure this all out.
But sometimes I think the best help a person can recieve is from someone who has been there-done that. Help  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 8/17/2008 6:39:26 AM | I would just like to say that desert flower, you hit the nail on the head.
I was in an abusive relationship for a year 1/2 - my first and only - and didn't start dating until just recently - 2 1/2 years after that relationship ended. True, it took some time to heal from it, but this doesn't make me damaged goods, it makes me a survivor and stronger because I didn't continue in that relationship. Instead of giving me issues, it gave me a strength of character I never had before, a resolve to never accept anything I don't feel comfortable with. I am more assertive, and yet more compassionate than I ever have been. And I have been able to help other women thru my experiences. If that's baggage than so be it. Any struggle we overcome is a blessing - if you're able to heal from it. I am a better person, a better mom, a better friend because of what I went through.
As far as abused women having no self esteem - I had self esteem when I met him, lost it while I was with him, and have never been happier, or have had more self confidence than I do now. Women do not ask to be abused - they are not deserving of it, just like a victim of rape isn't. This underlying assumption is really disturbing. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:08:07 PM | Are you totally insane???
Damaged goods??
Run??
My god,
let me tune ya in here darlin,
this little lady as in me,
has had the guns at the head,
been thrown out of 2 story windows,
you name it was done to me.
AND I AM NOT DAMAGED GOODS.
Ever hear of that good old healer, time & patience???????
It is narrow minded people like yourself that cause ABUSED women to hid in shame.
I am single & have been for awhile.
BECAUSE I have chosen to be that way.
BUT I did have one of the best relationships after the abuse,
with a wonderful man,
BECAUSE he had the compassion to help me to heal.
I can go on & on here,
but I'm not going to....
just for god sakes
get a grip,
you just might miss out on a wonderful woman because of your run & hide attitude. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:36:18 PM | I guess she has issues with feelings for a guy in her past who treated her like shit and was still getting strung along by the effects of his games.
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This is one of the reasons why I try to steer clear of abused woman. The fact that some of them still having their legs wrapped around that same guy that used, abused, and treated her like dog shit. Not to mention they are emotionally unstable, have trust issues, etc.
I have enough bs in my life and last thing I need is more drama from her past. | |
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