calaf
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Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 26 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:04:15 PM | | I think ceno's wording was a bit harsh, but I think a man must be very careful if he is in a relationship with a woman who has been abused. I know a guy who was with a woman like that and she had a lot of anger. One day she went after him with a kitchen knife so he grabbed her arm and twisted it to take the knife. He was charged with domestic assualt and had to plea bargin to avoid a trial that would have led to jail time if he had been convicted. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:12:45 PM | if you are all attempted to fall for this bullshit then try reading some of my previous posts
If not well best of luck to all of you I guess
I am already tiring of the same old same old that people reel out.. i come on here and feel I'm working because people have so many issues and its supposed to be a social thing???????????? anyone else feeling the same???. I've only been here 6 months or so but these forums are becoming unbelievably repetitive
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:20:13 PM |
If the Op was a woman posting this, all women here would reply RUN RUN RUN...
I have to totally disagree with you here .....because most women have a NURTURING instinct and wouldn't run right away. Some men actually have this instinct too.
Just because a woman has been abused in the past be it mental/physical/ or sexual abuse it doesn't mean she is "damaged goods" as you so eloquently put it. Yes some ppl who have been thru this are a bit more emotionally detached and have a harder time dealing with things in a relationship....BUT with the proper way to vent these feelings...ie..therapy..someone who can be there just to listen when she's down...or just someone to hold her when she needs it...can be VERY emotionally healing.
You come across as someone who can't be there emotionally for anyone...I could be wrong here, but that's how it sounded. Not all men and women are as emotionally UNavailable as you seem to be. I'm not attacking you in any way here..just voicing my opinion. But there are more women who would be apt to date and emotionally available guy than one who isn't. Yeah some of us women have been thru hell and back..and yes it leaves scars...but having an emotionally available partner can mean ALL the difference in the world. I might not speak for all women here but I can say most of us wouldn't reply RUN RUN RUN...but quite the opposite. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:26:38 PM | If the Op was a woman posting this, all women here would reply RUN RUN RUN...
ceno- You are right and I didn't even directly address that in my post.
My advice to the OP is... RUN RUN RUN! She is not ready for a relationship. Not with YOU, not with ANYONE. That is not saying that she will NEVER be ready or that she is "damaged". It's saying that she is not ready RIGHT NOW. She needs to heal emotionally and be mentally healthy. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:43:05 PM | Any emotional problems anyone has will ruin a realtionship. And when it comes to abuse, that is sometimes a long road to healing and getting past it.
I know some women friends who have been abused and alot of times when they thought things were looking up, something reminded them of their abusive ex.
And some women will never view or trust a man in the same way ever again. Sad but very true. But you also have to understand where she is coming from when that happens.
If a guy is not pushy, is quite nice and caring to her as a friend as well, that will also give her reassuarance I believe that hey this guy is worth taking the chance.
I think too many times alot of us guys just do not know or understand how to handle these situations. So it is human nature to run from it.
Same can be said about men with confidence issues. Women have a hard time dealing with a guy who has that problem and has not gotten past it. Takes time. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:58:14 PM | People who have been abused are not the same as they would have been without the abuse. Does this mean they do not have value? No. Does this mean they will never be able to love and be loved? Not necessarily. Does this mean they are likely to have special needs in their relationships? Yes. Are they likely to be a more work to build the same depth of trust with when compared to non-abused? Yes. Are they worth the effort? That is a question that each person has to answer themselves. We all have things we prefer, we need and that we wont do without in a partner. With many abused people when they are healed they develope a passion for life that may be missing from some "normal" people. They may be prettier, smarter more honest and loyal or whatever than the people one is able to attract who are "non abused". I guess what I am saying is that in the real world everyone has "negatives" that contribute to them being single. Having abuse in ones past is merely another "thing " ; could be better could be worse than other stuff. I would caution that if you are going to get involved with someone who has been abused you must be ACTIVE in pursuing a healthy relationship. Don't allow yourself or your partner to transfer roles from their past into your relationship. I also think relationship counseling is mandatory in cases of severe abuse.
I think in most cases people who have got involved with abused people and had really bad experiences did not really know how to get help. Part of the problem is that there are people who see abused and hurting people as a "resource" to feed their EGO's and sexual greed The last thing someone who is hurting from being abused needs is to have someone lie to and use them. In cases where an abused person has not dealt with their stuff and has no motivation to do so; then I think one should find the door as quickly as they can. You cannot fix someone they have to fix themselves and this starts by them deciding that they no longer want to live like they have in the past. This process is one that they have to do alone with a counselor (or in rare cases self counsel) to get healthy. So someone who has gone through the first part of the healing process is ready to continue healing in the context of a relationship. This person is no better or worse than any other prospective mate only different---different pluses and different minuses.  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 7:16:18 PM | Ceno...I can empathize with you re your last post. There are some people (men and women alike) who cannot resolve the deep seated anger and become angry and lash out at the first signs of "being controlled" but this reaction is not only from someone who has been abused. No human in their right frame of mind wants to be controlled by another.
I for one do not like being nor will I be in a relationship (serious or otherwise) where my thoughts, movements, etc are controlled by another...but...in saying that I do not get angry, I leave. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 7:22:43 PM | Aphrodite, I definately have to agree with you. It's unreal how many narrow and
simple minded some of the members are! Does that surprise me? No.
I must say I take personal offence from all those that refer to an abused person as "damaged goods". I get a kick out of a lot of the advise given and comments made most likely from those who haven't got a clue about domestic violence. Somehow though they tend to have all the answers to something that most have never experienced.
I feel comfortable saying what I am as I have experienced life with an abusive husband. He has been my ex-husband for 12 years. Ya, it took a lot to deal with what I went through, but I did deal with it and am not left emotionally scarred. I am happy with the person I have become. I think people sometimes forget that it's not always just a spousal issue, but a family one. Seeing anyone abused is very frightening to a child, so they often need help due to what they have witnessed.
If a person is abused in any way and refuses to seek help, then that's their choice. Nobody can force another to deal with mental health issues. I feel that if a person deals with their past and is able to heal, then the abusive past is left where it belongs....in the past!
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 7:23:03 PM | | Damaged goods???? What is wrong with you ? I dated a girl for years who was in a relationship so bad she suffered from PTSD ( Yes I went to the " shrink " with her a couple of times ) I will admit it was a bit of a struggle at first,but she was worth it,any woman deserves a chance to be happy ,and safe. Calling her damaged goods only reinforces abusive behaviour. She is already the victim , help her out for Chr!$t's sake. Everybody has a story about love gone wrong but not everybody has physical,and more importantly mental scars. I think she actually started healing when she saw that he was only good at beating women. ( somebody who shall remain nameless had their hand around his throat ) If you're only going to date women who haven't been abused in one form or another you're going to be excluding at least 50% ( guestimate) If you care at all,give her a chance,be supportive, hang in there. Let's put it this way,if your mother was in an abusive relationship at some point in her life,would you hold her responsible ? Would you love her any less? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 7:28:20 PM | | Right on, Hammarlund! I commend you for sticking up for some of us. I also was left with PTSD. I was once a victim, but now I am an emotionally healthy survivor. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 8:06:37 PM | | I agree hammarlund. I would like to add that ceno is very young and has no idea what life is about and that his thinking is twisted and inmature. He has alot to learn. Like I said if he had a daughter and she was abused would Ceno say she is damaged goods and not worth dating. How truley foolish he sounds and he does not even get it. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 8:56:25 PM | | I didn't realize that there were still so many mice.....I mean men like you around. Everyone who has a past has some "damage". It's how you as a person have chosen to deal with it or not that can effect future relationships. No one can heal anyone but themselves. I am greatful that there are some men out there that can see past their noses and not always take the easy road. What about all the men out there whose mothers "damaged" them? We still give them the benefit of the doubt. I think it's great if any person takes a chance to be humane to anyone else no matter what their "damage". We all deserve to be loved and cared about......even mice. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 9:00:16 PM | I am glad that my daughter's father did not think that I was damaged goods.
He sat by me through the trial, through parole, through 10 years of healing. He helped me. He loved me and I learned that I was strong and that I could get over what some ***hole did to me. I would not be the same person that I am today without that experience. Not to say that of course, I wish it never happened but, it did. It's over and I am so much stronger for it!
Thank God he didn't feel the same way as some others about damaged goods. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 9:05:18 PM |
Ladies, your poise, your level of class, the manner with which you carry yourself, the aura you present... that is how you keep from being physically abused. There are people, male and female, that are chronic victims because they project an image that they are a doormat. Eddie ~
This is true: such a way of self-carriage most likely does prevent abuse. However, let's not put blame on the targets of abusive behaviour, as it is the responsibility of the abuser to control his/her actions, NOT of the one being abused!
No wonder some who've been abused are suspicious in new relationships: they feel accused of deserving the abuse since they didn't know how to have poise, class, confident carriage ..etc. Well, this sort of thing doesn't always come naturally. Many, such as myself, had to learn it all the hard way, first hand, since nobody was around to provide an adequate role model.
People DO recover and heal, though. I am doing just that ~ I'm on POF only for friends so I can allow myself to get used to good treatment and respect from kinder individuals.
I know I'm not ready for a couple relationship yet, but I am getting there, because thanks to a very dear, sweet companion in my life, I know the difference now between abusive men and genuinely good, healthy men who don't need to control me.
So, fellas, please don't be so general in saying all women who've experienced hurts & abuse are not worth your time.. 'damaged goods' is a very derogatory label, plus it implies fault on the part of the one who has been treated so terribly ... and may not have known how to stop it. Something had to give. It's not for you to judge, is it? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 9:37:07 PM | "...especially when there are tons of sane women out there, why would you want to deal with an insecure, defensive, bitter, angry woman...."
I can only speak for myself when I say that *because* of the abuse I've made it a goal in my life to treat others in the most kind, loving and compassionate way that I can.
Insecure? Well yes, a little I suppose. I'm almost 47 years old and dating again. My body has gone through the changes that most middle-aged women go through. I'm sure not Barbie or Paris! However, I truly like the person I've become even though I don't like what I went through to get to this point.
Defensive? No, I don't believe so. I will, however, defend my rights as a human being, which is something all people should do.
Bitter? Not in the least. I'm one of those believers that everything happens for a reason so I take things in stride.
Angry? Heavens no! In fact, I despise it, especially in myself. I've seen from two husbands how ugly anger can be and never want that to be part of my life again.
PTSD is something I've been dealing with for almost 10 years. Yes, I have difficulty sleeping most of the time. Yes, I still have a reaction when I see or hear certain things, especially if it pertains to guns. I've learned how to deal with my problems on my own now (after years of counseling) but I have to say that a pair of warm, safe arms around me helps the bad moments go by much faster.
Me, damaged goods? No, I'll never think of myself that way.  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 9:38:39 PM | but I'd like to point something else here.. Isnt it funny that all you people pop up out of no where and start to get all defensive and angry when you hear the TRUTH....Eventhough none of my posts directed any of you.... Oh NO!!! Maybe I really AM damaged, I'm getting defensive!
You have a point, Ceno... speaking for myself anyway, maybe you're inadvertently pressing that hot button and I'm lashing out at you, so I guess you rest your case!  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 9:54:58 PM | i recently realized the reason that i had to fight with my new boyfriend every month was due to the fact that i was an abused wife for 21 years so used to the fight then the honeymoon cycle then the next cycle andthe next and so on back to the fight its to late now because i've lost him and even for the last 6 mths since we broke up fighting to get him back didn't help but it took this to make me see that i was myself repeating the pattern i really hate to fight but was so used to it i thought it was part of life hopefully now i can move on but not in another relationship for now because i need to work on me. our break up didn't help because he was stilll calling several times a day and not wanting to get back together has done a little more damage. so after 2 yrs i lost the guy i love because i told him to quit calling unless he wanted to work on us. its been 6 days and no phone call so time to mend is really nessesary but how to mend is harder because you stilll have to figure out how to fix yourself after you realize your broke | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 10:43:14 PM | Subotai - I stopped reading once i reached your response. Well said.
Everyone has issues, some moreso than others, but we all have them. For the guy that said run man run...that's a terrible attitude and could be one reason why people that have been in abusive relationships , in any sense, are scared. They expect the person they are with to run.
I whole heartedly beleive that when I personally meet my Mr.Right that I will be worth it enough for him to get through my stubborn defensive ways and to work through them with me until it's done and dealt with and we can move foward to something positive and potentially wonderful. I beleive I'm worth that and if that's what I have to do with my Mr. Right as well then I'm there.
Btw...I'm worth it, but I can never get the damn i before e rule right.. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 10:56:17 PM | People are so quick to judge - abuse is a serious problem. Often the abused person never forgives themselves for "causing" or "allowing" the abuse to happen.
We all would like to be happy and even those that have suffered in the past have the right to be loved. When the right person comes along you will feel secure enough to trust and love again. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 11:17:03 PM | Ceno, next time you are sharing your opinions with other men friends you might want to tell them that many men STILL treat women badly & if they went into councelling themselves for their own issues we might not have the epidemic of violence & hatred towards women that we have. You & I know those guys too. You know the ones at the bar or the gym or right next door to you. They are just so good at manipulating us all. Please don't tell me you don't know any guys who do this. Maybe it's because they don't show there abusive side to you. Well guess what sweetheart ( a little be-littling I thought ....also abusive...but anyway) in lots of cases these abusive behaviours only surface later on in the relationship. ie. Drinking becomes escalated & the abuse starts. Sometimes it comes to these women slowly over time, it's hard to get a handle on it. Lets face it who hasn't had guys say not nice things to them when it was SUPPOSED to be a joke & there's a group of guys all egging him on, but thats OK because they are drunk .....right? NO thats also abuse. You don't know guys who do this stuff & get a kick out of it? Those are the ones I'm talking about. Almost everyone drinks & some say a little too much & it's OK because they are drunk or just boys being boys. But the truth is rarely do guys stand up & say to other guys that that was not funny IT WAS ABUSIVE. Rarely do they defend us. We have to protect & defend ourselves for the most part because men can be very blind to what is actually happening right in front of them. ALL THE NON-ABUSIVE MALES NEED TO MAKE THEMSELVES KNOWN & SPEAK UP & TELL THESE GUYS THAT THEY WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS WOMEN....OR ANYONE. Hey maybe then it might stop......who knows it's worth a try I think.
So maybe even if you couldn't be with someone who has gone through this, thats OK we all have our choices in life & you have the right to do that. But you might think about how very lucky you have been my friend, and Thank your family for bringing ONLY GOOD things to you, and I am sincerley glad there are people like you in the world who have not had to go through this kind of treatment. Please try not to name-call these women ie DAMAGED (I think was mentioned)....because that too is abusive. Please try to start treating these women with respect & kindness....instead of dumping them on the trash heap. Thats very unfair. That just serves to abuse them more. They deserve patience, & the strength of men to fight this & bring love from men into their lives. Some of the strongest women I know have had to deal with this and have taken themselves & their children out of the situation only to have the men track them down & threaten them.
TO ALL MY WONDERFUL STRONG WOMEN FRIENDS & OTHERS.......Peace & Love Always
I too am honest Ceno & hope that as you grow a little older & a little wiser you will at least try to improve womens lives for the sake of all of us & our kids. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 11:35:57 PM | "There is a strange phenomenon that biologists refer to as "the boiled frog syndrome". Put a frog in a pot of water and increase the temperature of the water gradually from 20*C to 30*C to 40*C…to 90*C and the frog just sits there. But suddenly, at 100*C, something happens: the water boils and the frog dies."
The above is often used to describe abusive relationships. I know it's not exactly on topic but I wanted to post it, hoping it would help others to understand. People don't choose this type of relationship. We're not usually weak or damaged when it starts out. The trick is to get out before the water hits 100*C. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 12:28:13 AM | I've dated women who have been abused in the past. What I've learned is that one has to be very careful that they are not putting any of that back out onto you. You don't want to get that dynamic started, that push and pull.
It's hard for them to separate from their abuse in a healthy way, and you have to work with them, talk to them, try to get them grounded.
Drugs and Alcohol are some of the biggest components that can enter the relationship from their side and those elements really have to be reduced significantly before any real headway can be made with them.
The first instance that they use verbal or physical abuse is when you have to seriously sit them down and get them to talk all about their past. Then decide if you want to stay in for the long haul, if you think they are willing to do the work needed, or if they are lazy and just want to continue to live abusive lives. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 4:13:43 AM | Well done folks, some of these responses are heartening to read. I mentioned PTSD because I had it so severely I could barely leave my home for around two years after my ex husband almost succeeded in killing me. I learned an incredible amount about myself during my healing process and I wouldn’t change what happened because it has strengthened my character and helped me to become an excellent therapist so that I can now help others. I personally didn’t heal with the help of a therapist but simply because I was determined I wasn’t going to let him destroy my life so I found my own way through with the support from some friends. My final healing came when I realised that I could have a relationship with a man again without being triggered, but if someone had not been willing to give me that chance I would never have discovered that would I? I have also had a relationship since then with a special forces combat vet with PTSD, some people told me not to go there because it might be dangerous, I trusted my gut instinct and did it anyway and I’ve never had cause to regret it. Now if having a relationship with someone who might have flipped out and become violent from his own PTSD doesn’t prove I was over my own PTSD then I don’t know what does, because had I not have been over it I would never have dared go there in the first place.
People who have overcome such things don’t consider themselves damaged goods, they consider themselves wise and strong which of course they are and as a therapist and someone who has overcome this myself I can say that in all honesty when you do come out the other side you are generally more psychologically healthy than before it happened. On the other hand some of those who have never been there spout off all kinds of things and run away out of fear, you do realise don’t you that when you do that its you that has the issues and the baggage and not us? How then can we be the damaged goods? Thank goodness for the compassion and courage of those who dare take the chance and are not so easily phased by something that is a psychiatric injury which can usually be fully overcome given time and the right therapy/support.
As for Ceno’s remarks, it appears he does not even realise that some people get attacked, mugged and raped in the street by total strangers and can also end up with PTSD, as can children who are bullied at school, how very short sighted off him, by his criteria there must be very few people he feels able to date. As for the info on how to carry yourself etc to prevent attack yes its true up to a point but its also true that there is such a thing as being in the wrong place at the wrong time and no amount of anything will ever change that, in fact some of those who do carry themselves well can be bullied because of it, it isn’t always the perceived weak that it happens to. Those who abuse are the ones who have the issues in the first place, they are the real problem not the ones they have chosen to abuse.
And yes there are a hell of a lot of men out there whose mothers damaged them and they can be hard work to build a relationship with bless their hearts but it wouldn’t stop me. As for all the damaged combat vets should we all run away from them as well? I think not. Did you know that PTSD is on the increase worldwide, and there have been articles that say watching violent films can trigger PTSD type behaviour in children which then affects their social skills and ability to create friendships, not a pleasant thought if it turns out to be the case is it?
My defensive behaviour if you want to call it that is because I won't sit back and let people spout crap about things they know nothing about in the first place, my defense is for all those out there trying to find someone to have a relatioship with who do not deserve to be called damaged goods, to label someone who has been abused as damaged goods is an abusive remark by the way in case you were not aware of it and I for one will not tolerate any verbal abuse.
Best wishes
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 4:37:45 AM | All I can say is RUN and I mean RUN, Dont even look back!
To me, women who had been in abusive realtionships, are damaged goods. Especially, if she's coming from a abusive father, abusive boyfriends etc.
At some point she will think you're just like the others (eventhough you're not). She will think you're trying to control her etc. She will get defensive, bitter etc.
DO yourself a favor, RUN...
That is such BullSh$$t... I cannot beleive anyone could say and be so judgemental on such a matter!
I been their w/ a husband and don't consider I'am damaged goods!!
I went on 2 meet a wonderful man who showed me the true meaning
of loving someone and were to get married... but unfournatley, he died!
I have my self esteem back now and I'am much stronger for it...!
The same thing could happen 2 u as well...their are abusive woman and u may not realize
this at 1st....? u could have children,
and think staying for the child is the best thing..u feel trapped, u convince urself things will get better, but it esculates...!
Ur self esteem becomes so low, I could go on... but let's just say until u walk a mile in
ones shoes...don't even judge...!
Also a final note...everyone has issues of one thing or another,
should woman run from u...? | |
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