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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 5:34:46 AM | In this type of scenario a female has to be WONDER WOMAN to overcome abuse...
Even if you are an individual who can master abuse, you will always have that subconscious thought from the past, and with the right ignition it will show its face..... | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 7:58:46 AM | Ceno: you told me to remember your posts when the men in my life don't stick around. I am thinking that was VERY much directed at me... so much for that defense.
Funny how I take no offense though. I would have to see truth in your statement, which I do not, and I also understand that your comments come from a limited perspective and rampant ignorance on the topic. You are entitled to have your views... and so am I. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 8:03:21 AM | | Not entirely sure which scenario you are referring to here, however in those with PTSD an abusive memory will not be retriggerd if it has been treated properly by someone well versed in trauma work and there are plenty of therapists that work in that area who would tell you the same thing, the memory is re-encoded from the limbic system to the neocortex so it no longer triggers the fear response, it never goes away it just doesn't bother you anymore, however if you are talking about repressed memories that's a different case but that also can be treated by someone well versed in that kind of work, once the memory resurfaces it it detraumatised in the same way. The rest of it is down to reintegration of the self which can also be accomplished in therapy or with sufficient support and takes time but there are plenty of women and men who have been through horrendous experiences at the hands of others including hostige and torture situations and who are no longer bothered by the memories and no longer get triggered, they are now able to live in peace. As for being Super woman, hadn't you noticed that some of us are? There are many super women and super men who have been through things that no human being should ever have to go through and have the strength, courage and the will not to allow something from the past to destroy thier lives. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 8:16:01 AM | Interesting reading this... I have things to say, only not sure the point since the person they would be directed towards wouldn't listen anyway.
I just typed up a huge big response here, but have deleted it.
Victims of abuse have been hurt enough, they do not need people like Ceno to hurt them anymore. He obviously.. *sigh*... can't go there... can't go there... Let's just say this... the drivel you have spouted about family being first and important and it would NEVER happen to you or anyone in your family... BS with a capital B*LLSH*T. MY family is like that, and the abuse still happened. You can control 100% of the things that happen to YOU, the things YOU do. You can not control anything that happens to someone else when it's done by someone else.
A relationship IS an investment into your future. All it takes is ONE person to be there, supportive and understanding, patient and offering unconditional love to be able to help an abuse victim.
Grrrr...  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 8:23:33 AM | being an abused woman myself..I have to say it is REALLY hard to let yourself open up again to men! It really doesn't matter how long it's been since the relationship, it always seems to be there in your head...and comes out when you least expect it to. For instance..it's been 5 1/2 years since my abuser left the relationship...but he left when I was 4 months pregnant, and right now I am 4 months pregnant again with another man...and honestly I find it difficult to trust that he's not looking to leave for another woman, etc.
Men or women who are abused will always carry the effects of that abuse, even if they have been able to "forgive" their abuser somehow. Like they say you can forgive but it's really hard to forget.
Sometimes you just need to be patient and re-assuring. It's sometimes hard for an abused person to believe that anyone could really love or care for them. If like in my case you were told every day that I would never be loved, I didnt deserve to be loved, I was worthless etc..and once you've been told that for so long...a part of you believes it. And although that part of their life may be over with..that feeling of being inadequate and undeserving sticks with you!
So good luck in dealing with it...just remember, her problems aren't with you, they are now with herself really and she simply needs to have you reassure her and be patient with her and understanding.
all the best to you | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:25:22 AM | Isn't it a case of we learn by our mistakes?
I was in abusive relationship for 14 years but looks like you have alot more issues than me.
It's in my case it's happened cant change it move on. And possibably make sure i look for the man thats grown up into man.
Everyone has so called baggage, so good luck finding someone that hasn't. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:45:24 AM | | I have dated several woman, even married one, who were abused in the past. At times it was tough; it took all the love, understanding and consideration I could muster. I think my "knight in shining armour" syndrome stems from growing up in an abusive home - I was unable to help and defend my mother as a young lad so perhaps I tried to help others later in life. I know that they learned to trust me and to love me, grew from the experience and eventually outgrew me. Was it worth it? Definitely. I too grew as a person and was able to deal with a lot of issues I certainly had. It may not be something that some could handle, but if you can -go for it, you'll be a better person. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 12:45:42 PM | Knytesprite you’re doing great, I hope this new relationship and your new offspring bring you joy. Yes you’re right it can be very hard to open up to men again but it is possible. The effects of my own abuse that I carry with me now are positive ones, the growth I have had from the experience has been tremendous and led me to train in a new career helping others. I sometimes feel amazed I came through all that now, it almost feels as if it happened to someone else, in a way it did, it happened to the old me. As for those feelings of low self worth they too can go away completely eventually and your self esteem and confidence can be stronger than ever, tell yourself the opposite of what you were once told every single day of your life, I have clients stand in front of a mirror and say positive things about themselves with real conviction day after day until it makes a difference although they usually fall about laughing the first time they try it. Good luck to you and very best wishes
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 2:02:29 PM | Ceno,
Would you mind expanding on this comment:
"YOU WILL MAKE ANOTHER MAN'S LIFE MISERABLE."
I'm reading it as if you are saying that the reason we were abused is because we made some man miserable. I'd like to hear your reasoning for the above statement before I get angry and defensive.  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 2:27:11 PM | [but I'd like to point something else here.. Isnt it funny that all you people pop up out of no where and start to get all defensive and angry when you hear the TRUTH....Eventhough none of my posts directed any of you....] (I didn't quote that right...sorry Ceno)
..no matter what happens, it was an experience that I will never forgot. I don't feel damaged though. I feel wiser. I lived through a year of brusies, stitches, black eyes, that eventually ended up with me being set on fire, literally. My life will never be the same, still I have an issue with someone saying in general that abused women are damaged. | |
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calaf
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Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 64 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 3:12:53 PM | | Ceno - I don't know ANYONE who is 100% mentally healthy. Maybe you should get your head frozen like me. In 10,000 years I bet people might be 100% mentally healthy. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 4:58:47 PM |
Jesus! After reading some of the replies from some of the men on here...it really doesnt suprise me that they are single!
LOL This statement makes me laugh.
Regardless of this topic the overall conclusion is men will do wrong and women can do no wrong. Some of what ceno says has some truth, but men are always thrown into the "blame him" group anyhow. I have known a few women who because they got abused they felt it was valid to take their anger etc out on the guy they were dating. Like a revenge thing. Now understandable but definitely not right. The reason they did it? As they said "I have been treated like crap by men and abused before, I am not going to put up with that" So each time something may have reminded them of the past guy(s) they treated him like crap. In return yes he became pretty miserable.
Also one of my buddies his gf actually beat him up, he never wanted to hit her so the couch she was on he flipped over. Well when the cops came he got arrested because they believed he beat her and not her beat him. He did some time for this all too. In the end she had been abused before and so her anger etc she took out on him and in the end he got shafted. So not fair. Pretty bad but shows you how if something that serious, abuse, is not dealt with right it can have repercussions for the woman and the next guy she dates.
I would never hit a woman because I grew up as a kid watching first hand my mom get pummeled all the time until my father left. Took years before my mom could trust a man again. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:16:14 PM | This is the first forum in which I have to agree with EVERYONE on here. What you all are forgetting is that we have in one form or another been abused in past relationships. Some women and men have been physically abused, some like myself raped, some like Ceno abused mentally. Though we may view one as worse then another, they are all in fact abuse.
I have no hang ups except my emotional eating in regards to my rape but I had to learn that. All of us in our own time learn how to be strong for ourselves and for others. It takes two people to make a relationship and when the relationship is right, the abuse issues will in fact be taken care of. You cant blame Ceno for wanting to run, at the time he was not strong enough nor in the “it” relationship.
Men do wrong, women do wrong but we also both do right….just make sure you are ready for the commitment of a relationship and not just trying to save or protect yourself or others. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 9:24:37 PM | Chronically-abused people (men AND women) are inclined to seek the same in each next relationship, no matter how much healing has taken place, because there's a simultaneous refusal to accept further abuse & a predisposition to look for said further abuse ~ trying to re-write the script, as it were.
If one is not accustomed to mistreatment, it seems a no-brainer to not put up with that behaviour, but those with severely abusive relationship histories have problems believing anything else. I'm not referring to strong-minded people who know they deserve better, and will gather the appropriate resources. I speak of the beaten-down and discouraged; and the scars aren't only physical. Emotional abuse carries its own vicious impact that may last much longer than the bruises, cuts and broken bones. Emotional/psychological abuse begins before the physical abuse does, because it sets the tone for being permitted to continue. Victims often return to their abusers, desperately hoping 'this time it will be better.. (s)he really means it, the therapy worked, etc.' .. it's all part of the cycle.
There are those who think the abused person should leave, why don't they get out, etc etc .. why did they get involved in the first place, yada yada... it's like a cult, in some ways. Nobody INTENTIONALLY joins a cult, of which the nature is to shroud its true purpose until the victim is drawn in and has become emotionally and psychologically dependent.
Trying to help by telling an abused individual to get out is, at the height of their attachment, akin to saying "Jump off this cliff and hang onto one feather. I'll catch you."
Think I don't know what I'm talkin' about? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 11:10:42 PM | | It goes both ways for both sexes.. For a period.. Then it is time to suck it up, move on and get on with real life and quit making excuses. We all do it, but there comes a time when it is best to just let go. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 11:27:12 PM |
get on with real life and quit making excuses. That's kind of a harsh, unempathetic way to respond to this. By the way, what I've managed to achieve is closure and awareness of the bad habits I had that kept me in those ruts. Talking about this is not 'making excuses', it's reflecting on progress so that I understand what kind of strides I have made, and can assist others in their efforts to heal from their wounds as well.
You make this sound as if it's wrong to have things happen in our lives that require taking steps to understand and grow. Just because you may view yourself as logical and together, please don't scoff at the plights of others who may not have felt so solid. Believe me: those of us who have survived the experiences related here are much tougher than those with no such frame of reference.
Cheerz,
Kwerki | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/24/2006 11:58:42 PM | I mean yeah to a point, but really in the big picture, what does dragging it out accomplish. We have all been wronged in some great way or another, and I am only logical, far from together. My own shitshow that I have got myself into, I am finding it easier to to be done with it, then let it drag me down. Yes, easier said the done a*** hole. And it is, but sooner or later we cannot fall back on that excuse as something sometime ago happend to us and it still affects us. I know all too well about the past expieriences of shit, and bad things people do to one another...
The best thing I can suggest is look within yourself and ask what it acomplishes to hold on to it. I am THE worst dood to hold on to hate and anger, and I had to find it within my own self to let it go. Have I? Not yet, but soon enough. I aplaud all those who have taken great steps to recovery, but you don' need someone to tell you are doing better. Tell your self that. It will feel better! | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/25/2006 12:42:32 AM |
The best thing I can suggest is look within yourself and ask what it acomplishes to hold on to it. I am THE worst dood to hold on to hate and anger, and I had to find it within my own self to let it go. Have I? Not yet, but soon enough. I aplaud all those who have taken great steps to recovery, but you don' need someone to tell you are doing better. Tell your self that. It will feel better!The best thing I can suggest is look within yourself and ask what it acomplishes to hold on to it. I am THE worst dood to hold on to hate and anger, and I had to find it within my own self to let it go. Have I? Not yet, but soon enough. I aplaud all those who have taken great steps to recovery, but you don' need someone to tell you are doing better. Tell your self that. It will feel better! Apparently you're missing my point.
Talking about it isn't for the purpose of dragging it out or being bitter/hateful, no, not at all!
I keep a journal for such things, and it's wonderful for being able to see how far along I've come. I'm able to release those toxic residuals and help others when they need someone to talk to. Misery may love company, but those who have reached out to me would never do so if they simply wanted to feel sorry for themselves and not learn how to get healthy; I don't cater to pity-parties, and the things I've recounted here are NOT about 'poor me', they are about being grateful to see blue sky after seemingly endless stormclouds.
Why is it wrong to take stock of where one's life is progressing? It's not taking anything away from you personally if I decide to make it known that I can be a sounding board to those who might benefit, is it?
With all due respect, colonel hapablat, I have nothing against you, but I don't understand the reason you seem so annoyed, as if you want me to quit having or expressing feelings about this subject. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/25/2006 1:15:22 AM | {I would never hit a woman because I grew up as a kid watching first hand my mom get pummeled all the time until my father left. Took years before my mom could trust a man again.}
So did your mom make any of her future partners lives a "misery" (as ceno likes to put it)too? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/25/2006 2:39:42 AM | Calaf thats an interesting point, I do not know anyone either who is 100% mentally healthy. it also somewhat depoends on the definition of mental health you subscribe to. I offer the following for people's consideration and reflection.
Since its beginning, mainstream Western psychology has limited the definition of mental health to the interpersonal context of an urban industrial society, marriage, family, work, school, community. All that lies beyond the citified psyche has seemed of no human relevance, or perhaps too frightening to think about. A mentally healthy Westerner is viewed to be someone who fits in well with their society and functions well within it. Therefore mental health in the West is based around the values we see in it at any present time which actually shift and change. Most of us largely conform to the social norms of our culture and to some extent we need to in order to fit into society and live in harmony with others, however this enculturation process is a main reason why we lose touch with our personal creativity and our authenticity. Modern Western society also has a tendency to create a victim mentality, putting limits on human behaviour and teaching us to rely heavily on the opinions of others. One of the myths very prevalent in Western society today is that if we accumulate more money and possessions then we will be happy. You only have to look at the majority of people’s lifestyles and the hours of work they put in to achieve this to see how prevalent this is. This lifestyle is often pursued to the detriment of personal relationships, health and well-being. Stress is increasing, personal debt is enormous as we are encouraged to spend more money pursuing this lifestyle, personal relationships are often short term, quality time is something people have to try to fit in at the end of a busy week, children demand the latest gizmo as if it is their right to have it. If you ask these people if they feel truly happy and fulfilled and are living a life of purpose and personal meaning they usually say they are not, in fact sadly a lot of people would not even understand the question. Far from having values which promote mental health Western society has values which promote mental breakdown. Having a breakdown is for many people one of the worst experiences they will ever go through. It can be a very frightening experience. A breakdown can take many forms, it may manifest as primarily physical or mental/emotional and you may share symptoms that are common with others but just as we are all unique individuals our breakdowns will be as unique as we are. You may take medication to make you feel better and this may help to some extent as it masks the external symptoms and allows you to cope in some measure, however it does not get at the real cause of the problem.
The Buddhist view of mental health contrasts sharply in many ways. Buddhism states that
frustration arises when people do not get what they strive for and when they are confronted with what they do not welcome. The task of avoiding this frustration can be approached in one of two ways, devoting time and energy to getting what you want and avoiding all things that are unpleasant to you, in other words trying to get the universe to conform to your will and expectations. Given that the universe is a large place and has a tendency for being notoriously difficult to bend to one’s will this strategy is likely to make you even more frustrated. The Buddhist view is that mental health is obtained by reducing one’s wishes and expectations and rather than seeking to rid the world of everything that one finds obnoxious one should rid themselves of the tendency towards finding things obnoxious in the first place, if successful you will be able to adapt your mentality to changing realities. This kind of mentality is open enough to have the capacity to heal oneself and benefit others, it is fit, healthy and flexible.
As we grow as people we can find courage for self inquiry and as we come to understand ourselves we come to understand others and the human condition, the essence of human compassion. We begin to understand our ego defences for what they are, past patterns that we once put in place in order to preserve our own sense of integrity and survival and to preserve our sense of self and which remain long after they have served their original purpose. To be fully human you need to embrace every aspect of your being just as it is at this particular moment in time whilst recognising that the person that you are today is simply a stage along the path of your growth and development. In every single moment you are perfect exactly as you are, however this does not negate the value of growth and personal change. The boundaries we place on our own potential, the limits we place on our abilities, the barriers we place between ourselves and others, all of these are man made. When we come to realise who we are in our essence all of these structures eventually begin to fall away. We all feel fear at some time during our lives and in various degrees. For some this is more difficult to overcome than it is for others.
Both Western psychology and the Eastern traditions see the ego as a construction which has been fabricated. Western psychology sees the ego as a structure formed in early childhood to form a solid identity and which is a necessary part of the developmental process. Buddhism views ego as a construction of the mind which reinforces our self concept over and over again. In the Buddhist view ego is an activity rather than a structure which we use to grasp onto things that maintain our sense of self whilst rejecting things that we find threatening. Buddhism believes that it is this separate sense of self that causes suffering. Tibetan Buddhism has a concept to describe the functioning of the ego known as the Three Lords of Materialism.
The Lord of Form is the neurotic preoccupation and pursuit of pleasure and comfort to enforce our sense of security by manipulating the material world. In other words it is our propensity to shield ourselves from the unpredictability of life by placing the focus on materialism.
The Lord of Speech is the neurotic tendency to categorise and label everything in order to provide ourselves with an identity. We create ideologies, theories, political parties, religions, rules that tell us how to behave and explanations of why things happen. We have need to interpret everything in order to make it feel less threatening to us but in doing so we create concepts that we use as filters which then block our true perception and we become unable to see beyond these concepts.
The Lord of Mind includes the neurotic use of psychological concepts and spiritual disciplines as a means of maintaining our sense of self. Some people use these theories and concepts to define themselves and give them a sense of personhood and identity. If the theory is then challenged in any way it shakes their foundation and they can feel threatened and no longer know who they are. In other words they loose their sense of identity within a theoretical concept, such as the Western definition of mental health. Ego can and will grasp at anything which promotes the sense of self and whilst there is nothing inherently wrong with examining approaches and applying tools to either yourself or others in the course of your life or work, to hang onto any of these too tightly is a form of ego neurosis which can actually prevent true development. | |
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lira
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Joined: 11/13/2006
Msg: 74 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/25/2006 3:38:58 AM | | I was abused by my husband. I now have trouble trusting men. If they do something nice for me, I will fear the are using me for something. Give her alot of reassurance, but be honest about your feelings. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/25/2006 4:00:17 AM | | Sometimes it takes years to completely get over the past especially when it involves abuse.I would know this because my husband of 17 years abused me when he drank.With alot of therapy she will begin to reshape her life.It may not have anything to do with any relationships that she has but rather reliving the nightmare of being hurt physically by the one that you dearly love.Most women do love these abusers as did I.They want to help that person,or they may even be afraid to leave because he may have told her that he would kill her or other people she loves.These have devastating effects to a persons heart and mind.She will feel sorry for him,and that may be what causes her to be strung along.Take the time to do some research on the computer to see how tough it is to get past the effects of this,some people can never get over it but,are able to move on with a completely normal life.I'm that example,I left him 6 years ago,and I have learned that no one should be accountable for another persons mistakes,and that alone has helped me move on.Good luck to every one involved. | |
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