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| | Dating a woman who has been abused in the pastPage 4 of 18 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18) | Try to get to know a person before starting a relationship - the happiest people are often those that know how to mask their symptoms.
We all hurt sometimes. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:32:50 AM | TO CENO AND EDDIE:
You two are EXACTLY the type of men I would never even consider dating and I've never been abused! Your attitude toward women is deplorable. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 8:17:57 AM | In my experience with physically abused women ( knowing many ) I was also married to one. It's really all about treading lightly. I believe that unless you can find the core of her pain you can never truly be completely with her. She will always be guarded in some way. I found that core in her and then It got very bad.
For myself I quickly realized that not being qualified to help made them worse. We try to help doing what we think is the right thing but it's dangerous to tinker when you don't really understand the complexity of it.
It is very sad everytime I hear of yet "another" case of it but they keep coming. So many from this site alone. All I could do was to be there for her when it all came crashing in. Sadly as usual It's too little too late. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:21:50 PM | you are the kind of guy to run from...one that is opinionated and generalizing....not all abused women are thinking all guys are the same
as for "damaged goods".....they are not.... | |
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ddaba
| | Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 80 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:41:27 PM |
Ladies, your poise, your level of class, the manner with which you carry yourself, the aura you present... that is how you keep from being physically abused. There are people, male and female, that are chronic victims because they project an image that they are a doormat.
What apologist planet are you from? Are you really saying that a woman who is raped invites it? No one - man or woman - should have to fear abuse, but it's a fact (even if it's not your experience) that most women who are abused are abused by men. It's not that women invite abuse; it's that men tend to be physically abusive! | |
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| run ??
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:41:32 PM | | had the same experience and it was all negative from start to finish. plus all the emotional cruelty. they have to blame someone. its easier that way not to mention the psychosis that exists. run like hell and keep goin for your own mental health. me fein. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:42:01 PM | Handyman at least you have some compassion for others maybe due to your own experiences and sometimes it seems too late and sometimes it isn’t but I truly admire the courage you showed to give it a chance while recognising your own limits Abuse is a very difficult issue and despite your attempt to help I’m sorry you couldn’t find your way through it, at times despite the care and love we give to others they also need extra help, bless you for even trying, you have a kind heart and a soul that seeks growth xx
Ceno no disrespect intended but I say what I have always said to you, and so I’ll put it in your own words, I truly hope that the door that slams in your face is left ajar for your own soul to re-enter, if not, you are truly lost my friend. I hope that time gives you a greater perspective and some considerable patience and tolerance about this world you live in and the people within it. And by the way this was never a fight in the manner you speak of, there is no you win some or lose some when it come to humanity, if you really thought that………………..its your problem
Best wishes
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:47:33 PM | | It sounds like some "men" (or should I say boys) have much more baggage than they are willing to admit to and have to lash out defensively. If you don't deal with the past, you can become irrational and angry at just about anything you want to. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:04:33 PM | Something most people here doesn't realize is that nobody has the duty to become the pshrink-for-free for anybody else.
If a person has been abused, and hasn't healed 100%, such person is probably in need of help. But such help should come from somebody who, either knows what he is doing (and is probably being paid for it), or loves the abused person so much that is willing to stick his own wellbeing in the quest for her healing.
If you have a mindset saying: "I've been abused, so if you don't want to date me you're a mice and an ***hole, dammit!", you are simply using your bad experiences as a crutch to avoid taking responsibility of your own wellbeing, or trying to guilt somebody into a relationship.
And by reading some of the posts here.... threading light... earning her trust... being careful... give her reassurance... Excuse me? What kind of relationship is one where he has to live every day watching his words and walking on eggshells to avoid triggering some hidden trauma?
Remember, you want a partner, not a pshrink. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:17:33 PM | Ceno I just read your last post, clearly you chose not to read and seriously consider the other posts on this thread including my own or you would not still be spouting the same crap you were spouting pages ago and would have taken a step back and a little time out like a sane person does and perhaps considered a different perspective, apparently you are not capable of it. So in summary you are an angry person who is unable to give an intelligent and considered response to other posters. End of story, I for one will not be posting to something that has clearly become your own agenda and has stolen the real issue from the original poster, thats narcissistic by the way, I believe its a mental health disorder. I believe everything that needs to be said with regard to your own issue has already been said and your anger and repetitiveness will never change a single thing other than to continue to instil a feeling of anger amongst others which you appear to enjoy fuelling for your own ends. You simply repeat everything over and over again and have drawn in so many other people into this arguement for your own gratification. This is a forum not an arguement with CENO.
Ceno I suggest you leave the building because you clearly have nothing of any real insight or intelligence to offer further to this thread
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:22:49 PM | | As a woman who was in an abusive relationship and got out, I resent being called damaged goods. I got out, I dealt with it. It takes time and good friends. And for your information, I bet if you ever took a survey you would find out that the majority of women in this world have been abused in some way by someone in their lifetime. Does that make us all damaged?? In most cases in makes us stronger, smarter and much better able to take care of ourselves. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:41:43 PM | I have a friend who dated a woman who has been physically abused. I warned him about it like Ceno I agree with him, sorry but i have seen some confused physically and mentally abused women, they cant forget what had happened to them, like a wound there's a scar left. If I were just starting to go out and find out earlier about it , i would certainly stop and explain to her in a nice way, I wont run but i will not pursue the relationship. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:42:28 PM | By choosing not to enter into or stay in a relationship with an abused person, some risk being labeled as uncaring or judgemental. I think that's unfair. Everyone has his/her own comfort zone, and if I (for example) refuse a date with a fellow who tells me he has been mistreated in just about every preceding relationship, it's NOT because I think he is 'damaged goods', it's because HE BELIEVES he is damaged goods, and even if he means well, chances are he will project that onto me and somehow make me solely responsible to not hurt him like the others did. There's a huge, dangerous chance of his idealizing any woman who takes on his 'stuff'! When I inevitably fall off the pedestal simply by being imperfect, he will hate me for betraying him... and punish the next woman on my account, and so on, and so on ..
I'm not saying he can never heal or grow, but until/unless he has, upon learning of the struggles he's had, I'll say this to him: "I know it's been really hard on you, and I'm sorry for the way you've been mistreated, but I don't want to have to watch everything I do & say so as not to hurt you, it's too much for me. Take care, ok?"
That may sound cold and flippant, but what sort of favour would I be doing him to date him if I'm not truly willing to invest in his emotional health? It's not my job to fix him or atone for his past disappointments.
Kwerki | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:56:19 PM | Of course a wound takes time to heal! But, as with a scar, it can strengthen the area wounded.
I can understand why someone would not want to be involved with someone who is fresh out of an abusive relationship. If I had chosen to be in a relationship directly after the abuse I had experienced, I would not have been capable of forming a healthy bond. I chose to spend time alone so that me and my children could heal.
The point I would like to get across is that once a woman has dealt with the abuse she experienced, she is quite capable of forming a healthy, intimate bond. So judge that for yourself, you can tell when a woman has moved through the pain, and when she hasn't. Ask her, she will tell you if she thinks she's ready. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 6:12:41 PM | I can't decide which is more beautiful....the ones who have managed to make it so far in life without a single scarring moment. They are unblemished.
Or are the ones who are more beautiful the ones who are scarred and maimed because they inadvertently put themselves in harms way.
Who has lived? Who has charged through life...thirsty and passionate?
Give me the ones who know passion, who have tasted fear, those who have fought the battle and won! | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 6:31:44 PM | NO you can not tell. Everytime, they posed themselves as mentally healthy and ready for a new relationship. Exactly. To be able to accurately self-assess (never mind disclose to another!), one must first recognize the problem. Even then, if someone is desperate to avoid being alone, (s)he will say 'the right things' to keep from scaring off a prospect.
It takes a great deal of courage and honesty to admit not being ready for a new love. In order to handle the necessary solitude before a healthy relationship is possible, a person must confront whatever it is that triggers counterproductive behaviour.
In my experience, most people find it easier to just put on an act as long as possible... sooner or later the facade will give way, and then it's just a matter of time until things go haywire. The masker will either tighten the noose on their partner in a frantic effort to sustain the relationship OR (s)he will sabotage it, trying to escape before being 'found out'. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 7:10:53 PM | Wow, interesting thread. Just let me state that Ceno, you are 100% correct. Run away FAST! I have been there and done that several times. No matter how these women try to cover it up it comes out eventually, and you are the horrible man who is responsible for all of her problems. I think the problem is much more than just women who are actually abused in some way, i think it is a whole society of women now who have grown up in a victim mentality, and it is just handy to blame men.
Ceno you are right, it never ever heals, no matter what they say.
And Aphrodite...you are exactly the kind of womon to stay the heck away from, on so many levels..."all men are abusers, all men are rapists, all men are controllers"...I am so tired of hearing it! Go whine on the NOW site.
I met someone, off of this website who seemed ok at the time. I didn't call her for a few days after two dates and she left 37 voice mails on my phone, 15 emails on one account, and 10 on the other account. 37 VOICEMAILS! Telling me how she was abused as a child and all that. WTF! Where did that come from? Left field? I knew she was a wacko after that, and told her to stay away from me. This was all after approximately 10 DAYS of knowing her!!! 
I think it would be fun to see what would happen if a woman asked the same thing...I wonder what all of the answers would be??? | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 8:45:54 PM | [Give me the ones who know passion, who have tasted fear, those who have fought the battle and won!]
I'm with you honey. Some of the women I respect the most are those who found the courage to stand up and say "hoop this" and left these a***holes sitting in their own misery. They are the most emotionally strong, decisive, determined and independent women I know. Their stories inspire me and show me courage is not just a 7 letter word. They are not the ones who need the help dealing with their issues....
The true test of a person's character is not accomplished through peaches and roses. Someone try telling Oprah she is, by default, a whack job just because she was abused as a child....good luck with that!
And in terms of whack jobs, I've met a few who weren't physically or mentally abused, men and women alike. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 9:12:09 PM | WOW Razor...very interesting post...even more interesting...your profile. You said something about everyone having problems and insecurities and how good a listener you are and how empathetic you are and how we should ...blah, blah, blah.  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 9:33:34 PM | The point, my dear Ceno, is that not all abused are whack jobs. Yes, they are out there...abundtly so "out there".
I am so happy for people who have managed to be in nothing but healthy relationships throughout their lives. That relationship does not have to be one of two supposedly inlove...sickly so.
Any relationship has the potential of being one that helps to grow or to demoralize. I'm talking a teacher/student, employee/employer. Any relationship where one is in a supposed position of power.
I can also say I have been with some whack jobs...thats part of life. I don't recommend bonding with someone who has not dealt with their issues...I have also tasted from that bitter cup.
But I see alot of judgement calls...which is also part of life, I know. I just see alot of uneducated judgement calls being made.
My dear grandmother always used to say: "If you can't stand the heat...stay out of the kitchen".
So, once again...all you beautiful people who have never had an abusive moment slung at you on this road of life...HIP HIP HOORAY and may you continue on your merry way.
I am more of a realist than most can comprehend. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 9:48:54 PM | | geez, that has to be the most selfish, narrow-minded response ive heard on here.what are you saying? just because a woman has been abused, she's no longer worth loving? I am a childhood & adult abuse (physically & sexually) survivor, and there arent too many of us out there that arent in one form or another. I happen to be an awesome woman, has worked & fought very hard my whole life to deal with the bullshit that a few ignorant ***holes felt they had the right to do to me. It doesnt mean I am baggage, on the contrary, I am capable of loving deeper than a woman who hasnt been there.All my emotions run very deep bacause of my experiences, but thats better than being a cold-hearted fake ****. I have always been an excellent, loving & caring partner when Im with a man, Ive just learned from experience to not take any shit from them.and...I NEVER compare a new relationship to old, abusive ones. sure, it takes a little bit extra to earn my trust, but what do you expect? It comes with the 'baggage' as you so ignorantly put it. you sound very shallow.... | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/26/2006 11:09:41 PM | ...Previously abused women tend to abuse their new partner. Its cycle. "My ex did this-that to me, now I am going to do the same"
In my experience, which is considerable, I've found that the exact opposite is true. For myself, I know how it feels to be treated badly and I'd *never* do that to someone else.
The only "triggers" I have come from being around someone who is acting abusively or something extreme that reminds me of my past (guns, knives, violence on tv/movies, etc.)
I believe it's my gentle nature that has allowed me to be abused in the past. While I'll never change that part of me, I've learned how to recognize unhealthy relationships and walk away without regret.
So if someone were dating me and they weren't abusive, we'd have a d*mn good shot at making some wonderful memories. 
Edited to add:
When I trigger, I *do not* get hostile or violent, I get nervous and afraid. I simply remove myself from the situation (walk away, turn off tv...) and allow myself to calm down. That's when a warm, safe pair of arms around me helps, but I can recover quite nicely on my own, too. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 5:02:24 AM | Excuse me if I am blunt, but Ok, some of you were abused.
SO WHAT?
I ask again:
SO WHAT?
They're your lives. You fix them. You may ASK for support. You may ASK for understanding. But you can't DEMAND support. You can't DEMAND understanding. You can't DEMAND love. You can't say "I was abused, you have to cope with my bullshit or I will think you're selfish and narrow-minded".
Nobody has the duty to stay in a relationship where his/her needs are not being fulfilled. And having being abused in the past does not relieve anybody of his/her relationship work.
You think I'm narrow-minded. I think you're crazy. Who is right?
If you are not willing to deal with your own issues, why do you demand others to deal with them?
It is this "I was abused, you OWE me" mindset what makes a woman damaged goods. Not the abuse itself. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/27/2006 6:34:44 AM |
Excuse me if I am blunt, but Ok, some of you were abused.
SO WHAT?
I ask again:
SO WHAT?
We have a better understanding of the topic than most. That's what.....
They're your lives. You fix them. You may ASK for support. You may ASK for understanding. But you can't DEMAND support. You can't DEMAND understanding. You can't DEMAND love. You can't say "I was abused, you have to cope with my bullshit or I will think you're selfish and narrow-minded".
Who's saying that? We take offense to being called "damaged goods" like we're something you can pick up off the shelf and put back because we're somehow not good enough.Take Ceno, he admits that he was abused by exes who had been abused...does that mean we should take his advice and run anytime he comes near? I've never asked any man I've dated to cope or else. But his reaction to things that have happened is a good indicator of the type of man he is. If they run, I don't think they're selfish or narrow-minded. If anything, I'm more openminded than people like Ceno. I don't see every man as an abuser.....yet he sees every abused woman as "not worth it". Who do you think is more emotionally healthy?
Nobody has the duty to stay in a relationship where his/her needs are not being fulfilled. And having being abused in the past does not relieve anybody of his/her relationship work.
I agree.
You think I'm narrow-minded. I think you're crazy. Who is right?
I think no such thing. You may think I'm crazy if you like, but having some guy use me as a punching bag for almost 2 years is not what defines me as a person. As a matter of fact, I rarely think about it. If a man chooses to give me labels and stay away from me because of it, then oh well, we're not suited anyway.
If you are not willing to deal with your own issues, why do you demand others to deal with them?
I have, and I haven't...it's something I had to come through. Sure, it would have been nice to have someone in my life to be my sounding board...but I knew it wouldn't have been fair.
It is this "I was abused, you OWE me" mindset what makes a woman damaged goods. Not the abuse itself.
I don't know ONE abused woman with this attitude. Not one. | |
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