| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 9:16:46 AM | Dildo Party at church bazaar gets out of hand
I sat in the congregation
The minister announced
There's going to be a sale
to raise our bank accounts
A sale, yippee, I love those
maybe they'll have tea
there was more then that last year
says the man seated by me
I didn't think much of it
went merrily on my way
stopped in at the church bazaar
held on the very next day
well when I to the sale arrived
Much to my surprise
One table was really crowded
I couldn’t believe my eyes
Instead of tea or baked goods
On the table, what a sight
Dildos every shape and size
And then broke out the fight
See, old Mrs. Jamison
The one who has blue hair
Well she was wrestling grandma
For the final dildo there
Seems this table was overcome
With customers galore
The best ones were over 60
They wanted vibrators, cuffs and more!
So please don’t judge your grandma
Her motor’s still a hummin’
but the problem’s not pictuin’ her
the next time you’re a cummin’ | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 10:56:31 AM | 13) Getting drunk while a contestant on "The Price Is Right".
We stayed up all night sucking down boilermakers
and eating peanuts from the shell
Dressed as prostitutes we found no takers
the crotchless panties were the tell
Dodging drafters looking to correct their politico
we headed down to the studio
Knowing that we had better keep our buzz
or we'd be as dull as our chin of fuzz
Standing in line was quite the riot
"wanna do a beer bong" ...the crowd went quiet
I guess they hadn't ever seen nothin like that
'less they'd been to a hazing at a frat
....then the doors were unlocked
we entered the building, not 1/2...but, fully crocked
Stumbled down to our seats and pulled the one hitter from my purse
Careful not to set off the sprinkler system, mascara running is a tv curse
Took a puff and started to chant "Hey Monte
I'll pick curtain number three"
Barker came out and called my name
seemed he wanted me in his circus game
I screamed when I had the closest bid
then I ran up and kissed ole Bob, I did
He told me I had won a vacation package
pinched my ass and sent me backstage
 moo  | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 1:05:18 PM | i just joined the “naked for jesus” church
although I was never much for religion,
in fact, that’s been pretty much a given
i’ve recently had a change of heart
the “naked for jesus” church played a part
i admit, it’s not about jesus for me
it’s more the members that I see
it’s a rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ type of thing
like the baptists, we really swing
swaying in the pews, dancing on our feet
the mens’ metronomes keeping the beat
it’s a sight that makes me smile
i’ll go to this church for a while. | |
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MiTURN
|
Joined: 10/22/2006
Msg: 29 | |
| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 1:23:55 PM | you're mongering the humer
although
i'm laughing in the aisle
you're so busy looking if
the guys confessions leak
out of the popes nose or into something deep
oh my g*d madonna
pick me up when i fall
into this mess of nakedness
the "naked for jesus ball"
body art with hair and cheeks
and ears and lips will surrender
to the new hymn we sing
behold!
the banquet is bout to begin
last supper has just opened
another chapter on the hill
leave your cloth
to new betroth
of mankind without a till | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 1:29:59 PM | I fell in love with my librarian (I think this is #4)
I have a very sad tale to tell
one more tragic there'll never be
It began one dark and stormy day
when I visited the library
I met my muse in the forth aisle
putting all the books away
returned and then left in a pile
So t'was the librarian's task that day
As I watched in silence
I knew not what to do
should I profess undying love
or move down to aisle two
I decided to wait to make my move
When my book I was signing out
I looked at this vision, and to my dismay,
thank you was all that came out
So don't miss an opportunity
to profess undying love
or you'll have to suffer in silence
with a book called unrequited love | |
|
| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 1:31:46 PM | Ha Ha Ha.........great writes in here everyone toooooooo funny
My Saint Bernard rescued me
from rabid Jehovah's witnesses.
As he growled and curled his lip
basically, showed them he meant businesses
He's a celebrity, trotted outta Stephen King story
his name is, well; you know
Now aint tryin to offend no one, but I loved it, when
he told them all where to go
So next time, soliciting fingers feel the need
to ring my doorbell
You know who, willingly will
avenge a little four legged, Saint Bernard hell | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 2:49:50 PM | Hi, blitz! Glad you dropped by.
DILDO PARTY AT CHURCH BAZAAR GETS OUT OF HAND
When Pastor Stephanelli Shrivelledballs is away,
The clacking clustered married and widowed gals will play.
The first boxes were opened by Flossie Del Floozy.
The women gathered 'round; some were already boozy.
"Who wants to try this double-pronged monster on themselves?
Better than my husband: he's the size of flaccid elves."
Soon moans were issueing from underneath the tables:
"This is more illuminating than testament fables!"
Hundreds of multiple orgasms later, the flock dispersed.
Now women demand a special weekly "sermon", unrehearsed. | |
|
| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 4:25:35 PM | She flossed My dentures while wearing her slinkiest Teddy
I fearfully inquired... will it be painful will it hurt?
No baby she said seductively adjusting her skirt
It's a fairly simple procedure try to lay still if you can
She Flaunted her teddied teats roll of floss in hand
Open wide she whispered my face filled with a grin
Can you open little wider so I can work them in?
We got them in together She gave a painful shout
she cried out in anguish and quickly pulled them out.
Moral of this story
never bite the teddied teat that flosses your teeth
Or what I did on my winter vacation.
 | |
|
om
|
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 34 | |
| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 4:30:21 PM | After I won six million in the lottery, I kept a diary, for the first week,
I then joined a, naked for Jesus, church. Didn't cost much, less than the Legion.
I met an aspiring writer there seeking a nasty Jim
(I said I was Jim)
She claimed to be the ghost of Elvis hoping to sing a duet with Cher.
The church was having a dildo party that day. It got out of hand though,
and the penguins ate all my beef casserole,
but I got drunk and shagged Elvis, and a contestant from the Price is Right, who was on steroids, and just returned from a strip joint.
(She was just rejected from the World Wrestling Federation,
but the church gave her a job testing donuts.)
Then I met a Jehovah's wetness named Saint Bernie, who rescued me from a postman who was trying to leave his special gift, kept sidling up to me all day long.
After I soaked my goiter in some more rum, Saint Bernie and I walked outside and
found a contest going on. Skipping stones in a municiple swimming pool.
I had to pay for that too, but we talked and laughed.
She told me she was a Libian. I fell in love with her. Then later found out she was a rabid
spy from Uranas. She kept singing this Barry Manilow tune, from her ass, in stereo,
that's what gave her away.
We were still drunk, so we went to the bank in our slinky teddy's and made asses
of ourselves. It was a long lineup, but she flossed my dentures while I read some Rod Mckuen out loud ..
I left her after that though.
I'm still dreaming of meeting my Esmeraldo one day.
But until then, I'll just keep pole-vaulting from church to church.
After all, I am a millionair.
:/ | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 4:32:53 PM | On steroids in the strip club.
Ladies night @ the strip club, bring it on
Men all tanned, sporting only a thong
Dancing and gyrating as the Ladies scream
Muscles bulging at every seam
What a show, the ladies try to calm down
The men that dance here are not from this town
All colors and sizes, oh such beauty
Even if some of them look a bit fruity
Lingering in the parking lot
The ladies lost in naked men thought
When here he comes, the best of the night
Why is it his muscles look so damn tight?
Must be those lights, that oil on his bod
The drinks they drank made him look like a fraud
He gestures a wave, and climbs on his chopper
One lady screams "I've got it, he's a steroid popper"! | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 5:11:03 PM | Making love while listening to Barry Manillo
At the Copa, with his banana
the hottest spot north of Havana
the yellow feathers he did not mind
as i lovingly shoved them, up his behind...
he is music and he sucks the bongs...
..ouch! | |
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TiMwM
|
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 38 | |
| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:33:09 PM | 14) I was a spy on Uranus.
I was a spy on uranus
dressed head to toe in black
now I didn't want to be cheeky
so I crawled hands and knees up you crack
once in your bowel
you let out a howl
and I feared that I had been found out
so I ran out the hole
and splashed in the bowl
and was showered in shit that came out
so I wiped off my camera lense
said "now that's private investigation"
so I took a few snaps thought "you know, perhaps
I should take that much needed vacation" | |
|
TiMwM
|
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 39 | |
| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:52:14 PM | 19) My Saint Bernard rescued me from rabid Jehovah's witnesses.
My Saint Bernard
rescued me from
rabid Jehovah's witnesses
brought me some rye
that blurred both me eye
and blinded me far in distances
I squinted and burped
and continued to slurp
on the flask it me dog ad brung
pulled down me trousers
they fled sayin "yowsers"
"God save us, this man be well hung" | |
|
TiMwM
|
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 40 | |
| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:17:46 PM | 7) Aspiring writer seeks lithe gymnast.
Aspiring writer seeks lithe gymnast
to bend all my words into shape
only olympic class girls need apply
and wear leotards and a cape
come on walk over
don't stand on my hands
put spring in your step
draw up some plans
the one that did come
had great words and nice tits
so I pinched her cute bum
well that's all she wrote, for she did the splits. | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 7:56:03 PM | Hahahahahaha, This is too good to pass up!!! Ya'll are the best!!!!!!
The pole-vaulting contest.
Now I may be a redneck
And I live in a northern burb
Our temps here are always falling
But we got the finest herb
They tacked up a flyer
About a pole vaulting contest
So I asked my man to join me
He couldn’t deny my request
Now we are asking ya’ll
For help with just a little bail
See this wasn’t the thing they meant
I guess our nudity equals jail
So here we sit together
With bars between us too
Now instead of the prize money
My mans got balls of blue…..
Sam
Hmmmm, me thinks the twins are out tonight!!!! | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 9:37:33 PM | Seven things to do in a long bank line-up to relieve boredom and irritate those around you.
I was standing there
In the bank
evil in the vague sense
Not evil as in reincarnation of Bezabulb
but more lingering
a hazy reminder of a truely foul stench
And with this sentiment I descended upon the masses
Innocent in their queues, mindless in their manner
First I cracked
nuckles aganist palms
joints with a pull
Second I hummed
the song that doesn't end
the melody that haunts
Thrid I moaned
preparing for the Barry Manilow seduction
just slightly under my breath
Foruth I stared
creepily upon an individual, raised eyebrows in question
winked at will, licked lips suggestively
Fifth I exclaimed
about the nunances of life
joyous and proud
Sixth sensing the end
I recited poetry
emphasizing and dramaticlly delivering
Seventh, the end
It needed to be good
It needed to shock, to awe
The line was drawing closer
the panic was set
I turned to the post and
fell into the crowd
leaned into the line
jumped in a twisted launch
THe poeple in line
so orderly, well behaved
fell in a mock domino
toppling to the very end
The line fragmented
children searched for fallen parents
a low keening sound was heard
I stood from it all and witnessed
my damage, my skill
and suddenly
The bank line wasn't as hellish anymore | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 9:53:05 PM | My Saint Bernard rescued me from rabid Jehovah's witnesses (#5)
The knock came at the door again
I had to shake my head
when they do come a callin'
It fills my heart with dread
I peaked out of the peephole
my heart it gave a lurch
foamin' at the mouth they were
To ask us all to church
I couldn't use the same excuse
"I have to walk my dog"
I just broke my ankle
leaving out " I have to jog"
Then suddenly from nowhere
my answer, great relief
around the corner came old Blue
a squirrel clutched in his teeth
I threw the door wide open
my St Benard he seemed to wink
I said "this is just perfect
for our sacrifice I think"
They took it as a sign from God
and frankly so did I
and giving greatful thanks
I bid them witnesses goodbye
| |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 11:26:47 PM | contest: 20) After I soaked my goiter in rum, I walked outside and ....
Drowning Sorrow, Lost Love
After I soaked my goiter in rum,
I walked outside and took a deep breath…
Taking a seat in my Wal-mart captains lawn chair
Olive green, hippy lounger, rated at 220 lbs.
Camel Turkish Jade Lights, imported designer cancer
A Red Bic, The Circle K seeing my stoned disposition
Cheap Starter running shoes, kicking back
Thinking about the days when it was golden…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we chased rainbows, do you remember that?
Do you remember the dance of the Yiddish man…Tevye
How about the silver wings asleep in your dorm
The cuddling until sunrise, the soft scent of your magnetism
Until you my passion was concealed, I opened to your kiss
a young boy with a foolish cloudland, wanting to be a man
I visited his pond you know
You remember grandpa’s pond
Where Troy and I were delinquent
Where we were made man and wife
The archway, he built from his stone hands so strong
The cobbles I placed at twelve with a determined back
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And do YOU, the other you in my life
Do you remember sitting in that parking lot
Me laying across your legs, in your Taxi
Your fingers running through my hair, strawberry blonde
Tenderly touching my forehead, comforting me
You touched me and gave me something to wish for
I drive by Ruhl Park you know
You remember off Hillcrest that little park where we sat
Where we took vows to be together forever
With our six children and one on the way
I see pictures of that day and am confused
The cougars I fought in a fit of rage, howling at the moon
…it was golden and I can’t forget that. Lives change as we go around in a circle of life, someone who was once my wife, is now a sister, someone who was once my sister is now my daughter, and someone who was once lover is now my friend… | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/29/2006 12:01:19 AM | The ghost of elvis visits cher
Cher was half asleep when elvis payed a call
She opened her eyes felt very small
Standiing in front of her in his blue suade shoes
This giant of a man in his uniform of blues
Elvis tipped his hat to cher gave his love from sonny
Cher so very shocked thought it so very funny
Elvis took cher by the hand told her of his promised land
Cher sang i got you babe with a band
On the clouds they travelled far
Now in heaven all three are | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/29/2006 12:16:25 AM | I fell in love with my librarian
The librarian with pen was about to make a stroke
I said would you come round here love i need a poke
He said certainly not madam where do you think you are
I said in this ailsle dear you're the best i've seen by far
I had been reading soft core and needed stimulation
So i offer you me without trial or tribulation
Silence were the words of warning above his head in bold
But the love i felt for this man made me hot not cold
He called the attendant told him to show me out
So the moral of my story is don't check your library out | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/29/2006 1:38:07 PM | Penguins ate my beef casserole (#6)
Up there in the snow and Ice
while visiting Santa Claus
While eating up our dinner
We took some time to pause
Now Santa 'fore we finished
he pleaded us to come
into his workshop for to see
the work it being done
So we did leave our dinner
to go on Santa's tour
and visit where the toys are made
the dolls, the trucks, and more
Our eyes where filled with awe
but our stomachs were still growling
and unbeknownst to us
some visitors were prowling
We got back to the table
and we didn't think it droll
as penguins they'd invaded
eating our beef casserole
The moral of this story
never choose to leave your dinner
for when penguins come to call
you will never be the winner! | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/29/2006 3:53:28 PM | Dildo party at church bazaar gets out of hand
white elephant sale!!
this weekend!
volunteers needed...
sign up now!
so, i volunteer for set up detail
and the first 2 hour shift
and i’m paired with two ladies,
mildred and maude, in their 60s
we begin unpacking boxes
most contain the usual donations
clothing
household goods
toys
books
tchatchkes
we open this one large box
mildred and maude gasp
“what ARE those?”
it’s a box full of dildos
i explain their function
as we remove them
jelly-rubber
silicone
steel
glass
double-ended
strap-on
wall mount
mildred and maude are giggling
like little schoolgirls
“i never...”
“neither did i...”
each picking up a specimen
they examine them closely
“bigger than jerry”
“and sam, too”
“mine’s soft and smoothe”
“mine’s hard and cool”
“i wonder...”
“me, too”
at the bottom of the box is a note
“all sterilized, safe as can be”
well, none of us remember
seeing sex toys sold before
but it’s a new day and age
and it’s for a good cause
so we set up a table
in an alcove
behind a curtain
for decorum
the sale begins after a while
mildred, maude and i
are in the alcove
a matron peeks in
her eyes go wide
she enters
she inspects
she decides
she buys
she leaves
within five minutes of her departure
there is a trickle of ladies
then a flood
grabbing
grasping
fighting
chaos
a melee
sold out!! | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:29:17 PM | Skipping stones at the municipal swimming pool
The mood seems arrogant there is no discharge.
The usual and irresistible transfigure daily from small to large.
The guests of the pool are participants in this ostentatious parade.
The pool which much of their world revolves around I'm afraid.
The sharks are coming from underwater to pull some down.
They lie in gloom at the bottom of the dating pool round.
The sleek lines and soulless eyes speculating and snacking on reeses pieces.
The pool transforms into a place of the pseudo fabulous and sacred species.
The naive persuasions and misconceptions often hinders their quest.
The sharks are propelled by an infinite amount of sharpened instinct and zest.
The shark are masterful and remorseless no pity for the poor fool.
The unsuspecting stands skipping stones at the municipal swimming pool. | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:43:15 PM | I just joined the "Naked for Jesus" church....
so here i sit, atop my perch...
(nothing better than naked ass on birch)
drinkin' tequila and thinkin' not...
(grey matter equals a big black spot)
embracing Jesus and nudity...
(hopin' the nieghbors don't think it's rude-ity)
forgive me lord for i am a sinner...
(i just smoked a really big pinner)
i think i'm really liking this church of the nude...
(don't tell the big guy, but i just dropped a lude)
wine and song and flesh ta boot...
(thinkin' about runnin' away with the loot)
being naked keeps me from feeling bored...
(and talking about it makes my hoohaa ...good lord)
Halleluja....i've found my place...
(now, c'mere honey, and let me sit on your face).................
 | |
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